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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do young people (your children) over 18 still come first

76 replies

Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 22:10

Have one child who is 19. I still put him first, even before my relationship. I like to make sure he’s safe happy and supported to do anything he wants to do. I detect jealousy from my partner. Whenever I talk about my son- getting him a car or helping him to drive, taking him for a meal; could be anything, I sense my partner gets jealous and he will make a comment like oh well when he gets his own house this and that; or more fool him if he doesn’t want to car share with you. His tone always sounds negative and attacking. Feel like ditching him because although 19 is still my baby. He’s an only child. Should I start to prioritise the relationship or continue to support my son.

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/01/2023 12:03

Karatema · 25/01/2023 11:03

My adult DC come first but only if I haven't made other plans. They both know if they want their DM to help to "book" me in plenty of time because I live my life to the full (work allowing).

Sounds a good approach

lots on here probably think you should drop everything if your offspring deign to contact you wanting to see you

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 25/01/2023 13:42

My children are always my priority but they don't always come first. As others have said - needs, yes; wants, not always.

However, I am married (to their dad to be clear!) and none of them are over 18 so not really relevant to your question.

steppemum · 25/01/2023 14:12

I'm in the "nobody comes first, all members of the family are equally important and needs are accessed in each individual case" camp. There should be no need to say one person always comes first, in a family where everybody is considerate and considered.

this is so healthy.
I can think of dozens of situations where my kids had to take a back seat, which doesn't mean that they are not my priority, or that they are not important, just that in life they do not always come first.

eg dc1 went to their first day at school with Granny not Mum and I don;t even have a photo. Why? dc3 was in hospital. So dc 2's needs had to take second place to dc3.

eg my mum was in hospital, and I had to drive my dad to visiting time, right at kids dinner/bedtime when they were about aged 5-10.
For that few weeks, Daddy not Mummy did most of the dinner and bedtimes, My mum took priority.

eg Last weekend my dh and I went away for a much needed break. My 15 year old was fine (looked after by older sibling) but predicatably had a melt down on Monday, as she always does if routine etc is disrupted. (suspected autism) Should we have stayed at home? No, we handled the melt down wiht love and hugs and acknowledged that she has had been amazing making it possible for us to go.

A new partner should never ever push kids out of their home or emotionally out of their family, but do kids ALWAYS come first? No.

UsingChangeofName · 25/01/2023 20:26

@steppemum has written what I meant, far better than I did.

That is EXACTLY what I mean.

NotLovingWFH · 25/01/2023 21:37

Two of my kids are adults now and making their own choices. They are still among the most important people in my life but above everyone else, no. They will have their own partners and families who they will prioritise and that’s as it should be. My youngest now gets more attention though as she’s getting older it’s changing. The challenge now is making sure my marriage survives my children leaving home and being happy as a couple again.
I would do anything for my children but DH and I are equally important moving forward.

dancinfeet · 25/01/2023 21:44

My children (now adults) will always be my number 1. Any hypothetical partner of mine can either realise and appreciate that, or get the feck out of the door.

maddy68 · 25/01/2023 21:46

Yes kids come first no matter how old

JaceLancs · 25/01/2023 21:50

DC first always and mine are 29 and 31
Any man who expected to come before them would be out of there - probably why I’ve never remarried
DP loves them like his own but knows they come first

antipodeancanary · 25/01/2023 21:54

Whoever is in more need comes first. Adult DS is more useless than DH so very often comes first. Most needy of all though are our 85+ parents. So generally they trump all.

HRTQueen · 25/01/2023 21:55

You are always going to look out for your son and he is 19 just making his own way

it’s not really about who comes first that is the issue it’s that your partner is jealous of him. This will only get worse he wants to be number one which is nonsense as the relationship is completely different

Anonymouseposter · 25/01/2023 22:00

It's your partner's attitude that would bother me. If you are picking up that he's negative and off hand whenever you mention your son and makes no effort to be pleasant to him I would ditch him.

felulageller · 25/01/2023 22:06

Your boyfriend's a d* dump him.

Danielle9891 · 25/01/2023 22:06

Children always come first but us parents sometimes need someone to remind us that our children need to work and fend for themselves sometimes.

Maybe your partner was trying to tell you to treat yourself instead of spending all your money on your child. You sound like a great mam by the way.

Beercrispsandnuts · 25/01/2023 22:10

Why is this even a question to you? What you’re doing is not prioritising him it’s parenting and supporting him. What you’re asking is should you cut your son off for the cunt you’re dating.

the answer should be obvious to you which one needs to go.

user1471453601 · 25/01/2023 22:10

The one and only time I didn't put my child first, is the worst and most regretted decision of my life, in the 52 years of her life.

always put your child first, would be my advise. Don't ever end up like me, with over half a century of regret.

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 22:14

I don't think the idea of come first as in a competition

These are hypothetical but if a 19 year old does not work or study and sits around the house all day gaming while a parent works 2 jobs to pay for their designer clothes, that is odd

If my child was a lazy layabout I would not put them 'first'

And sometimes a parent has rose tinted spectacles when it Idea to a child

There is also step parents who are totally unreasonable

So no I joke my child is perfect and I am not a step parent but I try and do what is right and don't have a blanket 'my child comes first' as i am raising a future adult and that comes with a wider responsibility

gogohmm · 25/01/2023 22:27

I think it's a balance once they are adults. We would move heaven and earth to help the kids if they needed it (2 a piece) but equally we deserve happiness too. Seems your dp isn't really on board though with the parenting.

We have ours tagging along all the time, 2 live with us.

TimeToFlyNow · 25/01/2023 22:35

snowlolo · 25/01/2023 10:43

I agree with @aSofaNearYou that any family dynamic where there's a need to state some kind of hierarchy, does not seem particularly healthy.

Yep this, I don't even think about it although I also don't have a partner at the moment.

My older dc are 27 and 19 , of course I've helped them out financially when they've needed it or just because like with car insurance/lessons etc

We go out for meals, sometimes I pay sometimes they do, we enjoy spending time together and if they need me for anything I'm there .

They are independent adults though, young adult obviously where ds2 is concerned he has his own life and so do I.

justasking111 · 25/01/2023 22:36

@Mitchchantel it's irrelevant that he's an only child. We had three sons. They all got a helping hand when they needed it. We helped out with cars, insurance. You don't even live with this man. He's neither a partner nor a step father. I'd be making that crystal clear

Ihearticecream · 25/01/2023 22:47

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 24/01/2023 23:48

A stepfather here.

Children come first. Always. Without the need to think, ask questions or otherwise query. No need to be jealous of stepchildren, that's the natural order and as it should be. I'm fact, I put them first, too; I love my stepsons as my own sons, and I find it weird to refer to them as stepsons and myself as stepfather. Especially when I overheard one of them describing me as "dad" which actually made me cry. They also refer to their half-sister as just sister.

The children do and always will come first till my dying breath.

This is beautiful and bought a tear to my eye! This is life right here!
(I also love the username)

RDAnna · 25/01/2023 22:49

I think PPs have got it spot on to say needs yes, wants - not always.

I don't know whether this is true of you OP but there are definitely situations where 'my children come first' translate to 'I will treat them like children until they are 50' rather than recognise they're adults and, like us, benefit from working things out for ourselves and standing on our own two feet. Just because you can pay for his insurance doesn't mean you should do. Is it a birthday gift or something that you'll give him just cuz?

Reminds me of a poster before who was complaining that her new Partner wanted his daughter to move into her son's big room when he left home because she always wanted it to be available to him.

It could be that he is jealous. Or, he's just frustrated by your parenting style as it's not how he would be with his own.

bluebeardswife7 · 26/01/2023 02:06

EyesOnThePies · 25/01/2023 10:08

Is the ‘who comes first?’ Question the most useful here?

The issue seems to be about a non-live in partner resenting the financial and other support the OP gives her teen son.

We can all give examples in general but are they applicable to the OP’s context and circumstance?

This, if you do not live together, how is it his business?

bluebeardswife7 · 26/01/2023 02:16

Well, not all the time, but definitely before random men I have dated for a short time.

Liorae · 26/01/2023 02:23

Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 23:05

Are step parents naturally a little bit jealous of their partners children ? It’s not nice at all.

Yes, just as partner's children are very frequently jealous of the step parent. It's an inherently adversarial relationship.

NumberTheory · 26/01/2023 02:34

I find the idea that one person (or X people) in a family should come first, above everyone else, to be totally bizarre. We prioritise needs and try to make sure everyone gets needs met and then as much of their wants as we can all manage. I think it’s really unhealthy for children to think that others they live with don’t matter as much as them, or that they don’t matter as much as the people around them.

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