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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do young people (your children) over 18 still come first

76 replies

Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 22:10

Have one child who is 19. I still put him first, even before my relationship. I like to make sure he’s safe happy and supported to do anything he wants to do. I detect jealousy from my partner. Whenever I talk about my son- getting him a car or helping him to drive, taking him for a meal; could be anything, I sense my partner gets jealous and he will make a comment like oh well when he gets his own house this and that; or more fool him if he doesn’t want to car share with you. His tone always sounds negative and attacking. Feel like ditching him because although 19 is still my baby. He’s an only child. Should I start to prioritise the relationship or continue to support my son.

OP posts:

MarshaMelrose · 25/01/2023 09:59

My husband and I come first now. We've brought our children up to be independent adults. Of course I'll always be there to help if I can. But now my husband and I prioritise each other. If I was a partner of an adult child, I'd like to think that I came first from time to time. If I didn't, I wouldnt feel valued as a person.

Divebar2021 · 25/01/2023 10:00

Adult dc should be able to see that sometimes your own needs come first

Agree with this - it’s not all or nothing is it. My DD10 does not like me to go out and would be happy for me to sit in the house every night of the year. Does that mean I should never go out? Are you the mother who does all the chores and doesn’t let her adult son lift a finger? Do you do all his washing and ironing. Do you not go out because your son might want a lift. There are degrees of putting your children first and doing it mostly does not mean doing it exclusively.

lunar1 · 25/01/2023 10:04

It's not about coming first, but you can't even talk about going for a meal with your son without him being jealous. I wouldn't have anyone in my life who showed distain for my children.

I will be there for my sons as long as I'm able.

EyesOnThePies · 25/01/2023 10:08

Is the ‘who comes first?’ Question the most useful here?

The issue seems to be about a non-live in partner resenting the financial and other support the OP gives her teen son.

We can all give examples in general but are they applicable to the OP’s context and circumstance?

familyissues12345 · 25/01/2023 10:09

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 24/01/2023 23:48

A stepfather here.

Children come first. Always. Without the need to think, ask questions or otherwise query. No need to be jealous of stepchildren, that's the natural order and as it should be. I'm fact, I put them first, too; I love my stepsons as my own sons, and I find it weird to refer to them as stepsons and myself as stepfather. Especially when I overheard one of them describing me as "dad" which actually made me cry. They also refer to their half-sister as just sister.

The children do and always will come first till my dying breath.

That's lovely

familyissues12345 · 25/01/2023 10:13

Absolutely children should come first.

I have two brothers. They were actually best mates at school and one was ousted by his step "dad" (his mum stood by and watched), so he came to live with us. My mum and dad refer to him as son, he's just had his first little one and they are his grandparents and he's my nephew.

All because a mum wouldn't put her child first - shameful.

Anyway, her loss is our gain - he's a lovely brother

MintJulia · 25/01/2023 10:15

Your partner is a grown man with his own life and his own income. What does he have to be jealous of? Is he expecting a handout from you? Or is he jealous of your time?

Either way he needs to rethink his views. Your ds is at an age he will soon be independent and these are the last few years that you will have him at home. Enjoy them and tell your dp to stop being so petty. If he can't cope with that, you have your answer.

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/01/2023 10:16

My kids will always come first whether they are 15 or 50.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/01/2023 10:19

”Me first, but willing to put myself out for others within reason. Children or partner prioritised according to precise need at the time.“

very well balanced and so refreshing to here on where so many people will martyr themselves to the whims of their adult children often at great emotional or financial cost to themselves

teenagetantrums · 25/01/2023 10:19

My children are in thier late 20's now. They come before my new partner in some respects. My partner knows if l had to choose they would come first. Thankfully that's not an issue and we all get on ok. If l want to spend my money helping them l will. As we don't share finance's apart from the bills l would be really annoyed if l was told how to use my disposable income

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/01/2023 10:20

all this saying children absolutely come FIRST no matter how old

how could you disagree with this statement??!

“Adult dc should be able to see that sometimes your own needs come first”

Comedycook · 25/01/2023 10:24

Whilst your ds is legally an adult, he's only on the cusp of true independence and your job is to get him there. What you're doing sounds totally normal. Your partner sounds a bit pathetic to be honest.

Comefromaway · 25/01/2023 10:29

familyissues12345 · 25/01/2023 10:13

Absolutely children should come first.

All because a mum wouldn't put her child first - shameful.

Anyway, her loss is our gain - he's a lovely brother

You and your family are very special people. What a lovely, but heartbreaking story

PenanceAdair · 25/01/2023 10:33

Someone who's jealous and negative towards their partner's children, regardless of age, isn't someone worth paying attention to...definitely not at the expense of your child.

Your child is your child and will always be.

ssd · 25/01/2023 10:36

Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 23:05

Are step parents naturally a little bit jealous of their partners children ? It’s not nice at all.

Only the ones that are arseholes

familyissues12345 · 25/01/2023 10:37

Thank you @Comefromaway . They drive me nuts in some ways, but this was one thing they did that I have always been very proud of. There was no questions asked, they packed up his stuff and moved him in

aSofaNearYou · 25/01/2023 10:41

I'd love to hear the other side of the story here.

I'm a step parent - what makes you think he's jealous? Has he used that word? No I don't think jealousy is a standard way to feel but some normal feelings are; frustration due to having a front row view of parenting decisions you disagree with, annoyance at how those decisions impact your life and possibly finances as a couple, hurt and anger that your partner constantly feels the need to reaffirm that you come below their children in some perceived hierarchy (something that seldom gets said outside of step families), and lastly, annoyance that every time you express any less than positive emotion about the whole situation, it's patronisingly written off as "jealousy". Your partner might just be a knob who doesn't like you having a son, but on the other hand I can see signs of all of these things in what you've said.

I'm in the "nobody comes first, all members of the family are equally important and needs are accessed in each individual case" camp. There should be no need to say one person always comes first, in a family where everybody is considerate and considered.

snowlolo · 25/01/2023 10:41

It's unusual for a grown man to be jealous of his partner's relationship with her son (and yours sounds pretty normal/ not unhealthy).

It's not a competition.

I'd worry that he has some kind of insecurity.

familyissues12345 · 25/01/2023 10:42

Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 23:05

Are step parents naturally a little bit jealous of their partners children ? It’s not nice at all.

My husband is step dad to my eldest, who was 2 when we met. Initially he found is difficult, he was frustrated/jealous I guess, and we did break up for a time. He'd come into the relationship with no understanding of children, we had a long chat and I made it clear that DS was my priority, and whilst I would always make time for our relationship, DS's needs had to come first.

17 years on and he's the best step dad DS could have asked for.

I've met some step parents who seem to struggle with jealousy etc, but most seem nice and understanding.

snowlolo · 25/01/2023 10:43

I agree with @aSofaNearYou that any family dynamic where there's a need to state some kind of hierarchy, does not seem particularly healthy.

blobby10 · 25/01/2023 10:48

My adult children will always come first! They don't feel they do with their father now he has remarried but in the recently ended relationship I had post divorce, it was understood and my partner was always happy to accept that - he didn't have any children.

GoldDuster · 25/01/2023 10:49

I sense my partner gets jealous...His tone always sounds negative and attacking

Should I start to prioritise the relationship?

No. You should not prioritise this man over your son, and your urge to ditch him sounds correct. You, and your son, deserve better.

Any adult who gets into a relationship with a person with a child and then feels jealous, has issues. Make sure they don't become your issues. Your son will probably be massively relieved, you sound close and he probably doesn't want to to tell you the truth about him, you might find it comes out after he's gone.

Get rid.

UsernameOfMine · 25/01/2023 10:56

I think it's not a case of who comes first? Sometimes your D's may need you more than your partner. Sometimes the other way around based on need and what you want to do at that time.

What is not right is the jealousy.... Dp is showing jealousy towards your child. Is his long term plan to get rid of your son and you focus on him and do everything for him instead? What about when you have grandchildren....will he be jealous of them too.

You sound like you have a great relationship with your ds.... I wouldn't ruin that by putting a sulky man child before him.

user8545 · 25/01/2023 10:57

Children's needs, yes absolutely. Wants? No, not always.

Karatema · 25/01/2023 11:03

My adult DC come first but only if I haven't made other plans. They both know if they want their DM to help to "book" me in plenty of time because I live my life to the full (work allowing).

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