To find it hard to accept there's a baby on the way

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Been with my partner 20 years both of us in late 30s until he left 4 months ago as communication broke down between us. We were trying to resolve our differences and things were going well until he told me he'd been seeing someone 14 yrs younger and she's now just over 3 months pregnant. We have 2 small children together. I'm really struggling to accept this. I've came from a broken family and didn't want this for my kids. I cannot believe that he's got this girl pregnant so quickly and has obviously decided to "do the right thing" by her, therefore putting the entire 20 years We had in the bin. I've been trying really hard not to let my emotions cause any difficulties in him seeing the kids but it's beginning to cause issues now because he's now deciding on telling our 4 and 5 yr old about the baby and his new gf. He bothers with our kids as and when suits him when he's not pre occupied with the other girl. So I decided to create boundaries plus for my own emotional health over everything too. As he keeps saying not to let go of him yet he's living this whole other life with her now in a short space of time. I'm trying to block out my emotions but everytime I've to hear from him in regards to our children it brings everything to the surface again and I go back to square 1. I don't know how to do this without causing myself serious heartbreak and set backs. He thinks I should be able to just accept it and still deal with him for the kids sake and to keep a connection. He can't see that I'm absolutely dying inside that he's created this. I'm doing my best to hold things together for the kids but I feel like I'm going to hit breaking point at some stage and have an absolute breakdown. He also points out regularly all my flaws and how this would never have happened if I was a better partner which destroys me even more. I'm so hurt by all of this, am I being unreasonable and how do I get past this for my children's sake without their mum losing her mind. It's already affected my mental health bigtime. I don't want to have any contact with him. The less I know the better but unfortunately there's no running away and hiding from this once the kids become involved. I just want to run away! Any dealing I have with him is shattering me. I get a few days of not hearing from him and start to build myself up a bit and create walls but then I have to have contact with him and everything comes crashing down again. I really could do with a hand hold and some advice before I lose myself

What a shit, sorry.

I think for the right balance between your sanity and what's best for the children, you need to keep communication between you strictly about the children. Only engage with him to talk about access arrangements and necessary information. If he starts talking about your relationship or his new girlfriend, have a stock phrase like "Please keep communication between us limited to our children. Our relationship is over and we are not friends."

I would ask him to keep all contact via email and only about the kids.

You don't need to see him at all.

As he keeps saying not to let go of him

I mean, he's a dick. He'd lose his shit if you met someone else.

Yes he would absolutely lose his mind if there was someone else on the scene here. But im not ready for that, he's broken me and it wouldn't be fair on me to put that on anyone else. This whole thing has destroyed me and how I am as a mother right now. I'm just full of grief abd its not fair on the kids. I don't know how to switch my feelings off

I have done that... I told him no more video calls etc as he keeps telling me why he felt the need to walk away and the blame just seems to lie entirely on me but there was so much on his side too which I don't really want to go into right now. But everytime I see or hear from him it's creating arguments and just bringing me back into the pain. We both know our situation would be much different if it wasn't fir this pregnancy especially how quickly this has all came about and his new relationship. I don't understand how after 20 years I'm so replacable so soon. I cant imagine doing this with someone else so soon how can he??

As he keeps saying not to let go of him yet he's living this whole other life with her now in a short space of time.

F* that guy!!! Honestly if my husband did this I would send him something like this.

’Moving forward I’m only willing to correspond with you about your direct access to the children and childcare matters of significant importance. We can draw up a formal rota/agreement with a mediator, at your expense, if you’re unable to respect my boundaries and keep our contact entirely needs must from here on out. Please only correspond via email to X email address and only use my mobile number in emergency situations. I’ve moving on, you’ve done the same, let’s put this whole debacle to death like adults’

Agree with others, make sure he has your email, and say to him only to communicate about the kids via email from now on, you are not friends and there’s no need for anything else. And keep to it. If he says anything not related to the kids ignore.

"he left 4 months ago as communication broke down between us. We were trying to resolve our differences and things were going well"

He left 4 months ago because he'd been cheating on you. Now he's blaming you and expecting you to accept it and not make him look like the dirty cheat he is. He cares only for his image and shagging about. He'll be back trying to turn you into the OW next.

Also because I created boundaries last night he's making out that depending on my mood is when he can see or contact his children... The actual case is that I've never once stopped him seeing the kids or calling them or having them. He decided to keep it to having them ever other weekend but now he wants more access mid week and if I don't answer calls or messages regarding how the kids are I'm controlling him in his opinion. Rather than seeing I'm trying to cut contact between us because I'm absolutely shattered and my son is having difficulty with the separation as well. I'm trying to protect us, not control him or cut him out. He just sees everything from his point of view. How so I go about creating something where I don't need to have actual contact with him or replying to his random messages wanting to know how the kids are because he only does it when he's not in her company

@BustaGrind he's already tried that move but once Jan hit he decided he needs to do the right thing but says its killing him. Yeah it's killing him alright, he spends every single moment with her so I think hrs telling me absolute bullshit about how broken he is over everything

He thinks I should be able to just accept it and still deal with him for the kids sake and to keep a connection.

O, he does, does he?! 🙄

Got to love a man who behaves in the most appallingly hurtful ways, blames the woman for his behaviour then pressures the woman to act reasonably.

He sounds like an absolute dick. Well done you for doing your absolute best to put your children first and try and behave reasonably. I know I wouldn’t have it in me to behave like that. He wouldn’t know what hit him.

He thinks we should remain friends and have a decent relationship for the kids, I would obviously like to do the same but there's too much pain and emotion at the moment for that to be the case. When I've healed I absolutely think I coukd that for my kids sake but right now it's dragging me down more and more. I just want nothing to do with him for the time being until I can do things without any feelings involved. I'm afraid of the hurt destroying me for the kids

Seems like according to the vote some people think I'm being unreasonable, any input is much appreciated honestly.

What a prick. He's so broken by his affair that he thinks the best way to deal with it is blame you then ask you for sex. Ugh, he's gross. Don't waste your time being further used by him.

The relaxed approach to parenting together isn't going to work because of HIS behaviour. He doesn't get free access to you whenever he likes.

Get a contact plan in place for the children and a separate email address he is allowed to contact in an emergency. Stick to the plan and tell him to fuck off and leave you alone otherwise.

This

Asking you to 'keep a connection' is ridiculous. He's very firmly an ex, and a deceitful one at that.

So your communication is about your children only. By email or text unless an immediate emergency. Polite and calm in front of the children. If you can get to the point of both attending a nativity play or sports day civilly then great, but that won't be for a while.

Gaslighting prick.

You need something clear re contact with the children, I think you're going to have to go down the legal route as he is incapable of behaving like a decent human being. He cannot chop and change re when he wants to see them. He needs to stick to an agreement.

The enormity of what he's done is probably hitting home, but it's easier to blame you isn't it? He's probably pissed off that he's bringing another child into the world with someone he barely knows.

4 years down the line and I am still getting the "your blocking my access" shot from my ex. No I'm not. It's just that we're over here living g our lives and can't be availablento you every time you're bored or lonely.

I hated him just dropping into my phone randomly, so set up scheduled call times between his access visits. Set a reminder on the Alexa. Set up Google chat on the kids' tablets a try to remove myself and my phone from the equation as much as possible.

You need to grey rock him. You cannot be friends. I desperately wanted that too. I missed the friendship but it just is not possible when someone hurts and betrays you and then tries to blame you. Civil is the best you can manage now.

Good luck.

Time for very firm boundaries. Money through cms. Contact is x. How ever that looks. One mid week after school and eow?

Communication is about kids only. Don't answer or engage with anything else.

How old are the children? Do they have tablet they can use to call/message him on?

Gather your own support around you. Seek out some counselling for a safe place to vent. And go to your GP if you feel you need too. Anti depressants enabled me to cope in the early days as did strong boundaries.

I'm a few years down the road and I'm completely meh about ex now. He continues to not pay child support but I've just stop engaging with him over it all. It's up to him. I'm just pleased to have a happy home with the children.

I really feel for you; your hurt comes clearly through your posts. But he is a knobhead. You need to read that, read it again, and start believing it. Tape it up next to your mirror and say it to yourself every time you see it.

I'd give him an email address to correspond re. the kids and then block him from everything else. For now, you could get someone you trust (mum, sister, bestie?) to read the emails and check that they're just about the kids before letting you read them?

Treat him like a colleague. You're work partners working towards the same goal (parenting the kids). Draw up a schedule, and then make an explicit list of the circumstances outside those times when you're allowed to contact each other. E.g. change of plans, injury, illness, serious behaviour issues etc. Other than that don't allow any "how are the kids" messages. (Obviously if the kids are old enough to ask to speak to him/you, that's potentially different.)

When you're at home with the kids, keep reminding yourself it's the same as all those days before he left when you used to look after them on your own, when he was at work or watching the football or having a lie in or playing golf or out with his mates. You're still there for your kids just like you ever were. You're a great mum.

I really wish you all the best 💐

His behaviour is called The Script.

You were easily replaced because he checked out emotionally months/year ago.

Coming up with a list of reasons why you are responsible for cheating is a cheating cliche. of course you didn't force him to stick his cock in her. He chose to do that but blaming you makes his action seem less outrageous. It's a shitty move but so common - don't fall for this shitty move.

Mixed messages are also a cliche. He realises that you probably still love him and it's a great ego boost. He doesn't want you to move on because he knows that when he contacts you, he's keeping you on an emotional leash to him. He doesn't want you but doesn't want you to want anyone else. I'm not suggesting that you find a replacement immediately but start trying to cut the connection.

As hard as it is, ignore his messages that aren't about practical issues. You don't have to jump because he says so. Tell him to pick a mid week day that he can commit to as it's good for the kids to have a routine. If you reply to his messages immediately, start delaying your replies. It's not going to do any harm if confirmation that 10am pick up on Saturday is fine happens in 4 hours time rather than immediately.

Finally I don't think he was unreasonable to bring up the baby with the kids. The baby will be coming and it may be hard to keep it secret when they may be setting up a nursery or there may be a bump or throwing up happening.

I separated from my ex when ds was 3. From that moment on, I didn't provide him with any general information on 'how ds was' .

We agreed access days and times, and any changes were notified by email/text. There was nothing else to say.

Other than that, I've called him once when ds was admitted to paed ICU (but he said it was too icy to get the car out), and once when ds was injured at school. He is on the school email list so he has access to all their communications himself. We normally have one conversation about Xmas and one about holidays. If he wants to facetime ds, I facilitate that.

I can understand your shock and pain, but it will get better xx

@littlerayofsunshine0 pay no attention to the voting, slone people just like to go around voting to cause maximum hurt. Pay attention only to the comments & only those that help you.

Your EX is a contemptible shit. I'm so very sorry he's done this to you.

your relationship wasn't having 'communication problems', it was having him cheating on you problems

miss pregnant isn't as new as your relationship ending.

you're not to blame, IF. He genuinely had issues with you/your relationship he could have spoken up, not Fucked the first willing but of skirt.

he should not have led you to believe you were rebuilding your relationship, while he was busily fucking her.

it's all lies & BS to make you blame yourself instead if him. Don't let it work!!

As for 'don't let go'. You need to let go & push him off a (metaphorical) cliff!!

you NEED to be 'done' with this lying, cheating twat.

i KNOW how hard it is after 20 years, but hanging on won't do you any good.

I know you say it would be different if she wasn't on the scene, it's natural to think that & to want that. But the reality is the HE is the one treating you this way, HE has shat all over your marriage & family. She's just collateral damage.

You should set up a new email account, just for him, just to communicate about the kids. Set up a rota for him having the kids. Don't accommodate his dropping in & depending on whether she's around or not. No more video calls. No more chats about anything (fucking hard I know, but trust me, you'll be better off when you cut this communication right out).

I know where you're at, I know how you just want 'the old him' back, I really do understand and I didn't listen to anyone either, but please try to listen. He's NIT who you thought he was, that's hard to accept, but it's the truth. He's not Mr Wonderful whose just stressed/confused/had his head turned/whatever. He's just not.

take care of yourself 💐

I think I'm hurting too because I had the kids close together after it taking us 8 yrs due to fertility problems on my end. There was mounting pressure on me to have another but I was afraid due to postpartum after my second child and I wanted to wait until they were this age now to bring another baby into the mix. He couldn't understand that, ultimately he told me weeks before leaving he would have a choice to make if I refused to have more kids. Its not that I didn't want anymore I just needed time. and now he's having his third child elsewhere, outside the relationship. We always spoke about our kids learning about a baby through us having another one so I hope yous can understand why this makes things really hard for me to take in. Someone has literally stepped into my shoes and replacing the life he had here while he gets to play happy families with our kids involved and it's absolutely heart breaking. I just needed time that was all

Insist on him looking after his children 50% of the time.

Or even better tell him you want the children every other weekend.

That'll give you time and space to look after yourself, improve your earnings, and enjoy your life.

He probably deep down knows he's fucked his life up by knocking up this young woman so quickly cause he was too stupid & irresponsible to use a condom.

Now he's two families (if they even at together) on the go with all the logistical, financial etc complications and pressures. He also looks shit to anyone with a brain.

He can't be at fault for this, he can't take responsibility so he's creating a narrative that you're to blame.

And I agree with posters that he probably cheated with her and actually left for her.