To find it hard to accept there's a baby on the way

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Been with my partner 20 years both of us in late 30s until he left 4 months ago as communication broke down between us. We were trying to resolve our differences and things were going well until he told me he'd been seeing someone 14 yrs younger and she's now just over 3 months pregnant. We have 2 small children together. I'm really struggling to accept this. I've came from a broken family and didn't want this for my kids. I cannot believe that he's got this girl pregnant so quickly and has obviously decided to "do the right thing" by her, therefore putting the entire 20 years We had in the bin. I've been trying really hard not to let my emotions cause any difficulties in him seeing the kids but it's beginning to cause issues now because he's now deciding on telling our 4 and 5 yr old about the baby and his new gf. He bothers with our kids as and when suits him when he's not pre occupied with the other girl. So I decided to create boundaries plus for my own emotional health over everything too. As he keeps saying not to let go of him yet he's living this whole other life with her now in a short space of time. I'm trying to block out my emotions but everytime I've to hear from him in regards to our children it brings everything to the surface again and I go back to square 1. I don't know how to do this without causing myself serious heartbreak and set backs. He thinks I should be able to just accept it and still deal with him for the kids sake and to keep a connection. He can't see that I'm absolutely dying inside that he's created this. I'm doing my best to hold things together for the kids but I feel like I'm going to hit breaking point at some stage and have an absolute breakdown. He also points out regularly all my flaws and how this would never have happened if I was a better partner which destroys me even more. I'm so hurt by all of this, am I being unreasonable and how do I get past this for my children's sake without their mum losing her mind. It's already affected my mental health bigtime. I don't want to have any contact with him. The less I know the better but unfortunately there's no running away and hiding from this once the kids become involved. I just want to run away! Any dealing I have with him is shattering me. I get a few days of not hearing from him and start to build myself up a bit and create walls but then I have to have contact with him and everything comes crashing down again. I really could do with a hand hold and some advice before I lose myself

But that’s YOUR life on HIS terms

be firm, establish set contact and tell him you’re only going to permit contact via email regarding the kids - if YOU need anything urgently, you’ll let him know, but for now you need space and distance from him. The kids contact will continue but if he wants to go-parent effectively he has to put them and others first and not just think about making himself feel better for walking out on you all - in specifically talking about him telling the kids about new gf btw, that can wait another few months or so. There is no rush.

No, he was just laying the foundations ready to blame the OP because he'd hit his OW pregnant. Wouldn't be very surprised if this baby comes "early"

Aannnd there it is - it's a possibility he's had the OW on the go a while, and either they were sloppy with their contraception or she deliberately got pregnant in order to make him shit or get off the pot.

Honestly OP, you must be reeling.
But here's the thing - he's NOT your friend.

He WAS your partner who you trusted not to hurt you and he abused that trust.

A friendship between exs can only happen when the hurt dissipates and you both no longer care about each other in that way. That takes time to evolve and it can't be rushed.

The only reason he's pushing you on this friendship is twofold - one, he thinks he'll appear as less of a shit to people if he can say that you are friends and therefore imply your split was mutual & amicable and two, if his new situation all goes tits up, then by loitering around you all along means you've no headspace to move on from him, you may still occasionally be intimate, and therefore it's only a small step back into his old life again. He won't care how he's fucked you and the kids over at his expense during this time. He didn't care about your well-being up until now so why would he?

Protect yourself and limit his access to you.

Well he wasn't thinking of his kids needs when he was out playing hide the fucking unprotected sausage with whomever he was riding. Yeah right he met her and shagged her after you split, more like he had her lined up before he left, cos thats what men do. And how convenient that its all your fault, if you were a better husband pal we could have sat down and discussed all this like adults, and separated with dignity, but nah it suits him to play the martyr, and toss the blame over to you, Toss it right back my dear, get an std test and for gods sake find your inner bitch and get angry at him for wrecking your life.

You need to get angry OP, yes of course you're devastated and hurting but you need to start seeing how appallingly he has treated you and turn that hurt into ice cold fury, it will protect you while you heal. He has created this situation and he doesn't now get to call the shots about how you need to deal with it. You need time and space without him invading your home, phone or mind and you have the right to enforce boundaries to that effect.

How you do that is for you to decide but you've had good suggestions here for practical solutions, you just need to get rid of the idea that you owe him any of your time/consideration. It's not your job to reassure him that DC are ok when they're with you, he gave up the ability to be with them full time when he left for OW and he has to accept that as the consequence of his actions.

It's time to detach, and that frees you from any responsibility for his feelings and means you don't have to listen to any of his bullshit anymore. You are clearly trying to do what's best for your DC and part and parcel of that is looking after yourself and doing what you need to get through this horrible time in your life

He made his choices, the result is all his fault, not yours, you did nothing to warrant this deceit.
He doesn't get to demand you speak to him or let him see the kids when HE wants, HE made his choice now HE gets to live with the consequences.
I can tell from you words you will do your best by the children, but right now you need to focus on you.
Ask him to let you know what days he wants contact, and then ignore any further communication. You don't owe him anything and if it's too painful for you to deal with him right now, then it's tough shit for him because HE made this happen.

Please cut yourself loose from this man.
Your not to blame a man with 2 children cheated and walked away, all the friends might say one thing to his face,but I can tell you all will be calling him out behind his back to their family.
So telling him you want all contact via email so you both have a recorded record.
Do not pick up the phone to him, message back if need be, something brisk like Is there a problem?
Tell him you want a set time and date for pick up, then make sure you email to confirm if he cancels, you might need this later.
Don't count on him for money, use it as a bonus, so he can NEVER mess up your financial budget.
Also take time for friends, but always have a back up baby sitter in place, nothing is worse than him cancelling to stop you having some fun.

You are no longer this man's friend and he is not yours. That went when he betrayed you and your family.
He is reframing the split to be your fault as he can't deal with being the one causing all this pain. He is weak and, though you can't see it right now as things are too raw, you are far better off without him.
Stick to agreed visits and contact arrangements. No more going down the what went wrong route. If he starts on about any of it, just ignore in the email or text, or be silent in a phone call. I personally wouldn't have phone calls with him. You need everything documented as from what I have read on here, you will find out how little of a friend he really is when you go down the claiming maintenance and what happens with the house route. Be strong op💐

Thankyou everyone for the responses.

I see a lot of people referring to "grey rock" him, what is this, what does that mean? See I'm unsure if he was actually cheating before leaving, although I did have suspicion of something thanks to him downloading Snapchat! From a few days after he left he was asking to come home again, I said I needed time, eventually a week later he cane to me to admit that he met someone in a pub here in our local town and her age but wouldn't disclose anymore info but pleaded with me to allow him to come back. A week later on a drunken video call he told me how close these two formed a bond, told her about my unwillingness to have a third child and she really wanted kids young and how much in common they had even down to wanting kids together. I and everybody I spoke to about this initially thought this was being said to hurt me, and what 23yr old would want a baby especially with a 37 yr old man just out of a 20 yr relationship and with 2 small kids. Then the following month he announced she was indeed pregnant. May I add this is girl is related to me, we don't know each other fairly well but our family are related. She was also seeing someone for 6 yrs (who I hear was unbelievably good to her) but she cheated once or twice and then cheated with my ex partner. She was seeing them both until finding out about the pregnancy but the baby is my ex's unfortunately. I cannot understand how I'm having to deal with the worst scenario in my life ever, I've been with him from 17. How he gets to move on so care free and easily just has me stunned, like his life with me never existed. I just don't understand how someone can get over another person so quickly with all the years we've been together. I cant even imagine doing that yet. My heart and emotions are still invested in him, hence why I need to switch them off.

You cannot be buying that he met this person in a pub one week and the following week they agreed to have a child together.

As has already been said, people mentally check out months or years before a relationship ends. I went straight from my ex boyfriend to my now husband, because I'd been trying to end things for a year. I did all my moving on months beforehand. If he was cheating, (he was) this is unfortunately all much newer to you than to him.

one of the biggest issues when you separate from someone that you have built a life with is that they know exactly how to hurt you, all of your weaknesses, all of your insecurities. And then they use them against you in the most brutal and hurtful way.
he has all of the cards right now, you are hurting and he using the children to get to you and to keep a way of contact.
you need to be allowed time to grieve for the husband and person that you have lost. He is not that person anymore and never will be again.
i know it’s so so hard but right now you need to protect you.
he chose to leave and part of that was to also leave the children. He doesn’t get to play happy families when he feels like it.
stay strong and be kind to yourself. Day by day things won’t always feel like this.
Try and see the hood in every day and do something every day that makes you feel more like you xx

@littlerayofsunshine0 this has some useful info for you on grey rock. It says in there to make sure all contact is via email

It doesn't really matter what he says about when they met etc, he has betrayed you, full stop. Anything he says about it from now on is just to hurt you

beanstalkmums.com.au/grey-rock-method-for-coparenting/

But what happens if I'm not giving in to his demands and he decides to bring this to a solicitor

Well, there will be others more competent to advise, but no solicitor will expect you to be able to give him access on demand at any time. That would be nuts. Every other weekend plus once in the week is pretty standard, but this would be a schedule and you'd then just discuss the kids only to the extent needed to facilitate.

Any court would look at the best interests of the kids - who has been primary parent?

I'd imagine that your DP's new gf will not be desperate to play stepmum at the same time as having new baby, so I can't see them going for 50:50

Are you getting CM?

He's a tosser and you're heartbroken. Only time will heal this, sit with the uncomfortable emotions, get therapy and find time for you. You can't stop what's coming but you can rebuild your life.

Can you afford a solicitor OP? I think you need to get things moving on that front to start to give yourself some closure.

I think getting another woman pregnant while married is a good enough reason for a divorce.

You need to to legally formulate visitation arrangements, including times of video calls and child maintenance via the CMS if you haven’t already. Even if he’s paying now (is he?) that will probably change when he has a new baby to care for.

Ignore everything that comes out of his mouth. He wants to be ‘friends’ to assuage his conscience. It makes him feel better about about the POS he really is if you roll over and accept his disgusting behaviour. The likelihood that he wasn’t cheating before he left to get someone else pregnant so quickly is practically zero.

He picks the DC up from the edge of your property boundary. Change your locks if you haven’t already. He left, you needed to change them for security, you didn’t lock him out.

The only way to move forward is to cut him out completely and cut the connection to him aside from arranged DC contact.

Your distress and that of your DC is totally valid and you just have to move through it. Cry and comfort each other. Let your DC know that it’s OK to be upset and you’ll get through it together. Lean on everyone you have for support.

You’ve seen what he really is now, despite what he may have been 20 years ago, there can be no going back.

Fuck him. Every update shows what an arse hole he has turned out to be.

You don't have to be friends with him. You don't owe him that. You can be civil and keep thinfs on an absolute need to know basis.

I suggest you formalise residence/contact time - get him to have the kids 50:50 or whatever makes sense. Establish the pattern now.

In the times that he has them, do something for you - start or revive a hobby you love, meet friends, work out.

It's totally understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused, but the truth is that he's showing you all the answers you need in his behaviour. You need to find your anger and channel into arranging what works best for you and the children.

My feeling is that he had his new lady friend in his life for a while. I also figure that he told her a pack of lies about you. In his case she is 14 years younger than you and she may have wanted him to finally leave you. She may have thought getting pregnant would do this or he was to careless to wear a condom.

He now knows what he has done. He needs to get you on side because he does not to come across as the bad guy. Meanwhile once this gets out people will all be saying what an idiot he is. The reality is that he now will have 3 children with 2 different woman and it will cost him more, give him more stress and he is probably finding out that his new girlfriend is not as wonderful as he expected.

My feeling is that he is contacting you and trying to keep you onside till he sees how things work out with her. He may think that you offer him sex and take him back at a later date.

The reality is that your heartbroken over what's happened and your trying to remain strong for the kids who are also upset. He should not have told them about the new baby for a while. Also at this stage your kids need a routine and not having him turn up or changing plans to suit him and her. You don't want a load of calls ect from him either because it's to painful for you. I would follow the advice here. A new email address for him re the kids arrangements and phone calls only if a child is sick or needs something urgent.
I would gather up any financial information and apply to CMS to get money from him for your children. He has the children set days and times and no turning up unannounced to see them or you. He did what he did so has to learn what it has cost him.

If your married to him and once you feel able I would look into getting a divorce. Gather up all your financial information now and take copies both on paper and memory stick as he may have left stuff in your house. He may not realise he left this information and might come back later for it. Take his pension into consideration also.
It not you been mean but you need to think long term because you want to give your child the best chances possible to do well.

I know it hard at the moment and it will get easier once you put boundaries in place that suit you and the kids. If he does not like this so what he caused the problem.

It looks likely he has been cheating in you, she fell pregnant and he has decided to salve his guilt by re-writing your whole relationship and blaming you.

He is an arsehole. Next time he points out your flaws, remind him that since he had an affair, you have also noticed flaws in him, namely that he is an entitled arsehole.

It is up to him to find a way to see his kids. Agree a timetable that suits you and tell him if his doesn't stick to it, he doesn't see them.

Don't facilitate his new life. You can't avoid feeling heartbroken but don't let him keep calling the shots.

This is what you should be doing not him!

Please stop worrying about the threats he is making - this is BS and just to intimidate you into letting him have things his way.

You need to stop giving him an audience. He loses "control" over you if you're not taking any notice of his crap. Use an email address for correspondence about the DC only. If you can, get a cheap, pay as you go phone and use that for emergency contact only. If he contacts you and it's not an emergency, tell him to put it in an email and hang up. Don't answer if he calls back - he will probably try to push the boundaries here and you have to push back. Block him on all other phones/media. Don't let him view your media profiles etc. Don't answer any personal questions about you (how you are, what you are doing, etc), you are no longer his business - just tell him that if he asks or just ignore the question.

You need time away from him to start to heal. He is deliberately being in your life/face as much as possible to try to prevent you from moving on and getting past this as he wants to keep you as backup. Make sure when he has the DC, you are out with friends or doing something special just for you.

CMS claim asap to make it formal and stop him using money as a weapon.

Tell him he can have DC EOW and one night (or whatever is sensible for the ages of the DC) and that he must stick to it (unless there is an emergency) as it is upsetting for the DC to be messed around. Every time he messes them around, send a formal email acknowledging what he has done. Don't any anything about how it makes you feel, just stick to the facts and how the DC have reacted.

Other PPs have suggested having someone (good friend/sibling) check the email messages before you view them to warn you if there is any nasty content so it doesn't come as a shock. It would also be good if they could answer the door as much as possible for drop offs and pick ups so he can't speak to you directly.

Remember he has cheated and lied to you. He has then tried to blame you. Only he is responsible for his actions; you aren't. Don't trust what he says as he is capable of lying.

He sounds like a complete dickhead.

Maybe suggest 50/50 custody. If he's so keen to 'do right' by people, he can look after his existing children properly rather than play Disney dad to them, and romance with his little girlfriend.

I'm sorry OP but you really need to grow a back bone. I'm not saying that to be cruel although I know its harsh.

Every one of your posts are about what he wants, what he thinks, how he feels. Fuck him! Find your anger, he lost the right to tell you anything when he cheated and left. And HE DID CHEAT. I know you don't want to believe that but it's true.

Stop letting him dictate to you. Tell him when he can see the kids and stop communicating with him. You've had alot of great advice on this thread. Start using it.

I really thought I had a happy marriage until his obviously pregnant girlfriend knocked on the door one night looking for him. He was told to leave that night.

They went on to have another child but their relationship didn't last long.

He is not your friend. He was your partner for.many years and it is a horrible adjustment, but he destroyed that by running off with someone else. He doesn't get to pick and choose the relationship now.

Him saying you are controlling for wanting a schedule is a way of keeping control. If you never know when he will have the kids you can't make any plans for your off days. Tell him you need to sort out a mutually agreed regular schedule or you will appoint a solicitor. He is taking advantage of your grief for the loss of the relationship and you are letting him by being scared. Take back the power. He doesn't get to call the shots any more. You can do this.

What a twisted fucker.

How long has is been op? Since you found out? I really for you. Has he told the children? That should have been up to you to decide IMHO.