To find it hard to accept there's a baby on the way

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Been with my partner 20 years both of us in late 30s until he left 4 months ago as communication broke down between us. We were trying to resolve our differences and things were going well until he told me he'd been seeing someone 14 yrs younger and she's now just over 3 months pregnant. We have 2 small children together. I'm really struggling to accept this. I've came from a broken family and didn't want this for my kids. I cannot believe that he's got this girl pregnant so quickly and has obviously decided to "do the right thing" by her, therefore putting the entire 20 years We had in the bin. I've been trying really hard not to let my emotions cause any difficulties in him seeing the kids but it's beginning to cause issues now because he's now deciding on telling our 4 and 5 yr old about the baby and his new gf. He bothers with our kids as and when suits him when he's not pre occupied with the other girl. So I decided to create boundaries plus for my own emotional health over everything too. As he keeps saying not to let go of him yet he's living this whole other life with her now in a short space of time. I'm trying to block out my emotions but everytime I've to hear from him in regards to our children it brings everything to the surface again and I go back to square 1. I don't know how to do this without causing myself serious heartbreak and set backs. He thinks I should be able to just accept it and still deal with him for the kids sake and to keep a connection. He can't see that I'm absolutely dying inside that he's created this. I'm doing my best to hold things together for the kids but I feel like I'm going to hit breaking point at some stage and have an absolute breakdown. He also points out regularly all my flaws and how this would never have happened if I was a better partner which destroys me even more. I'm so hurt by all of this, am I being unreasonable and how do I get past this for my children's sake without their mum losing her mind. It's already affected my mental health bigtime. I don't want to have any contact with him. The less I know the better but unfortunately there's no running away and hiding from this once the kids become involved. I just want to run away! Any dealing I have with him is shattering me. I get a few days of not hearing from him and start to build myself up a bit and create walls but then I have to have contact with him and everything comes crashing down again. I really could do with a hand hold and some advice before I lose myself

Any time I set any boundaries I just get told I'm controlling the situation and thinking of myself and that the kids need him. But im not stopping him I'm just setting a routine and boundaries to protect myself and kids emotions. Everythime they are with him they are upset coming home, I pick up the pieces for that and then once they're in bed I pick up the pieces for myself. He just sees that I'm being unreasonable for trying to set a clear routine and wanting to cut him out of my life.

God knows how he's putting me across to the other girl! It's just unfair. I'm just trying to cope and keep things right for the kids

"ultimately he told me weeks before leaving he would have a choice to make if I refused to have more kids"

She was already pregnant when he said that. That is the only reason he said it.

You need to reframe how you think about things he said to you. He's a manipulative scumbag who was carefully making sure he wore you down and had you in a place of blame in time for his departure.

He knew what he was doing. He doesn't care about you (but he will have sex with you if you'll allow it). Work hard to move on from him as fast as possible. He's horrid.

He's not playing happy families is he? He'll barely see his kids now most likely. Pathetic.

Yes, he's probably telling her all sorts of nonsense. They do that.
Try to focus on your children and their needs.
This pain will ease entirely, but it will take a while.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

This is really hard. I agree with setting up email account for communication or even communicate through a third party if this coild be arranged. You need to distance yourself from him. Have a set arrangement for him to see the DCs

God knows how he's putting me across to the other girl!

Who cares.

She's got immediately pregnant by a barely separated (or was that not even separated?) man and father ....
She's not exactly a good judge of people or situations, is she?

He's the last person who can expect your friendship as well.

What he actually means is - I want to leave you, form my own new relationship, have a child with her.... But still have all the closeness and familiarity and cosyness and support from you.

Tell him to be "friends" with his new partner who's expecting his child.

You can civilly coparent without needing to be friends, in fact it's vastly preferable you don't try to be. Certainly not now anyway.

if I refused to have more kids

I am almost completely unfamiliar with men who push for third and more kids when they have two already ..... What is that about? Is it actually form of ongoing control strategy?

It's very weird.

He just sees that I'm being unreasonable for trying to set a clear routine and wanting to cut him out of my life.

And since when is he the judge of reasonable, given his own choices 🙄

Seems like according to the vote some people think I'm being unreasonable

Sometimes people accidentally click the wrong button, I know I've done it.

Also, even on the most obvious threads .. there are always a few opposing votes, not sure if it's an accident or not.

"I am almost completely unfamiliar with men who push for third and more kids when they have two already ..... What is that about? Is it actually form of ongoing control strategy?

It's very weird."

No, he was just laying the foundations ready to blame the OP because he'd hit his OW pregnant. Wouldn't be very surprised if this baby comes "early"

But you werent friends were you?
You were a lot more than that and expecting you to tell him it’s all ok and he’s done nothing wrong shows what a shit head he is.
Be icily civil and no more

What a audacious, gaslighting little cunt.

Ask him to have the children on a very rigid schedule, ideally he picks them up from school and drops them off and you can do that once a week and maybe he can do Fri pick up and Mon drop off eow?
I'm not sure how your logistics work but get something set in fucking stone, ASAP. Honestly I'd get a free hour with a solicitor over this.
You can't be forced to happily Co parent someone who's treated you like shit.
There's no end game for your relationship long term, he's fucked it.
He'll try coming back when his younger gf bores him or likewise.

It is hard to not engage with with a man you still love, but millions of us have had prolonged heartbreak from doing so, take it from us, your relationship with this bastard has died. If he comes crawling back its so you'll babysit his new baby when his soon to be ex wants her weekends out back. Its a tale as old as time.

Focus on you, break ups are shit but if you can Focus on finding yourself a bit through this, your goals, your free time, you use it to heal, use it to make plans, you're young, beautiful, you're going to have the hair and nails of dreams, nice hydrated skin and you're going to find yourself doing things that interest you.
Podcasts, books, make yourself some dating profiles and become tinderella when you're ready! Actually go on dates, you're not needing a husband, just have some good interesting stories behind you.

Never ever go back though, he's gone whilst you're young enough to be successful with a life without him, be grateful he's not fucked off when you're 70.

Remember, you're good things and deserve good things.

And please, this one is hard, but just to be careful, go get tested for any sexually transmitted infections, just so your piece of mind is sound 🌺

You know what OP? FUCK HIM!!!!

He is clearly a dickhead if he can move on and get someone pregnant so quickly and confuse his poor young children with a new sibling so soon.

I know you must be feeling awful as it sounds like you’ve been with him since your late teens which is a lifetime and you need to learn to live again in your new life.

You can do this!! This is your chance to start again and it will get easier without him. For now I would only engage in conversation with him if it’s useful about the kids, otherwise ignore him, you will feel empowered by doing this as he doesn’t deserve your upset or energy.

Good luck OP, you deserved so much better than him x

This guy is an ass.

He didn't leave you because you didn't have another child, he left you because he is an ass and slept with someone else. I knew a man who did this to his wife, he was a nightmare (going out, not pulling is weight at home etc) and she said she didn't want to have another child with him while things weren't great between them and she was doing everything. He left her citing that as the reason, told her if she had agreed to another child he would have stayed. Not once did he mention the fact he had been shagging someone else for the best part of the year.

Your ex is telling you not to let him go due to (1) his ego and (2) insurance, so he has a back up and can come home if he wants. It's not becuase he loves or cares about you. Grey Rock him, only talk to him about the kids, and focus on yourself and moving on. Get some therapy if you can.

He didn’t leave because “communication broke down between you.” He left because he was cheating on you. Why do you think that is all you’re worth?

You need to stop giving a shit about what he says. Who cares if he blames you, do you really welcome the moral judgements of a cheating, lying, selfish little prick anyway? I’d honestly laugh in his face. Also, stop letting him call the shots just because he calls you controlling. You need boundaries, he can see the kids on set times and days without coming into your house. Who cares if he moans, this was HIS choice, too bad if he doesn’t like it. Do what’s right for YOU. Don’t talk to him unless it’s about the children and necessary, he has no right to demand your time and attention anymore.

You sound lovely and he sounds like the douche he is. You have dodged a bullet- 20 yrs in I know but it could have been another 20 if the trash hadn’t took itself out.
Do what you need to do for you and the kids. You owe him nothing!! He done this, he caused this, he’s the bad guy however much he tries to turn it on you to convince you otherwise. You owe him nothing!!
Now the kids are a different matter, they do need put 1st regardless of your feelings, but bear in mind your mental health and happiness affects theirs so it’s ok if you sometimes need to prioritise it. He also shouldn’t be telling kids about a relationship partner and child 4months after their family changed and only 3months into pregnancy. He needs to put those kids 1st.
Have you anyone who could hand over the kids so you don’t have to? Have email communication only unless it’s an emergency. Get set contact and stick to it. He doesn’t need regular updates, he gave those up when he left. Get maintenance sorted. Number 1, accept the relationship is over, don’t let him keep you hanging on. Would you really want him back after this- maybe don’t answer that now but you will see more clearly a little down the line. You will get through this and be better for it. He will still be a douche.

He's been seeing her longer, and does he need to tell them now at 12 weeks? It's going to be a long time for them. Why did he do right by her and not hy his other kids?

He's done you a favour, don't let him tell you you're controlling, he chose to walk away, you are not his friend, he's cheated on you and he's still lying about it.

The hurt will be worse when the new baby comes, hearing about it all the time. Cut contact now down to pick up times, and tell him if there's anything he needs to know he ll be contacted.

You can guarantee he's not telling her the Truth. Please have respect and don't sleep with him. This will give him complete control over you and the situation in both sides of his life.
Don't let him tap in and out of all your lives and it's time to get hard with him. He's obviously been seeing the other poor cow for months so let him have her.
Good luck

You poor girl, you must feel like crumpling on the floor and staying there...

I am in a similar situation but for different reasons; my ex immediately wanted to be friends, and for us to spend time together as a family like we used to. But I still loved him and it hurt so badly, and the only way to make it hurt less has been to grey rock, I only discuss DC stuff with him, and mostly only by text or email, I avoid talking to him on the phone and I definitely only see him when there is no choice.

If there is someone who can hand the kids over to him, and take them back from him so you don't have to see him, do that. If they're at school or nursery, get him to pick them up from there and then drop them back the next day, so he doesn't come to your house. Decide on what days suit you and tell him, he lost all rights to flexibility and discussions when he treated you like shit, so tell him how it's going to be. Get in touch with the CMS and get the child maintenance sorted out (do this formally and they will do all the chasing for you, rather than you having to speak to him), and then, when you're ready (and it's taken me nearly a year to get to this point) start re-building your own life. Again when you're ready, find yourself a solicitor and divorce him, he doesn't get to keep you in reserve.

It'll take a while love, feeling ok some days and shit on others, just roll with it and eventually there will be more ok days than not. Take care of you and the kids, and for now lean on everyone who is willing to support you. You'll get through it it's not easy but you can do it. You deserve a much better, happier life and you will get to it, I promise.

I'm getting the impression you really need to talk about this, a lot, to a sympathetic ear. MN can be great for that but in AIBU it'll be more geared to advice (often stringent advice) and the odd nasty comment for no reason. Perhaps ask for your thread to be moved to a friendlier topic (not relationships - you'll get the same there)?

This sounds so difficult OP. I know you can't see it now but you are well rid. How can someone who set up home with a new person and introduces them to his children at the same time as telling them about a new half sibling, accuse someone else of 'only thinking about yourself'. His selfishness and self centredness.

I think you should google grey rock and stick to it rigidly. Your life is no longer any of his business. You will no longer be discussing your relationship or breakup as it's in the past and you are moving on.

Everything he says, just bring it back to the kids. It's best for the kids to have parents who are civil and kind to each other, being friends wont matter (and might confuse them). Its in their best interests to have parents who are focussed on them when the kids are with them, not focussed on updating the absent parent. You will trust him to contact you in an emergency but otherwise it's in everyones best interests to have some separation so you can all get used to your new normal as quickly as possible. If he keeps contacting you about non emergency issues you will consider it harassment and you will block him. It's in the kids best interests to have a regular routine so they are secure in knowing what's next so you will stick to a contact agreement and not vary other than in exceptional circumstances. If there is anything he would like to discuss about the kids thats not an emergency he can email you and you will commit to checking every other day.

You need to find your anger OP. He doesnt get to control the narrative or claim he knows what's best for his kids

This must be so difficult for you. I think you are right to set strong boundaries. Perhaps a routine would help you in talking with him just enough. E.g he wants updates etc. and you need space so at 8pm on a weekday you could send a stock message. “Kids are doing ok - x is settling into school well”. No emotion, all fact, do not respond to any emotion he shows or respond to what he says. If he asks for extra contact ask he email you time, dates etc. he wants to keep the emotional link to you but that’s tough - that ship has sailed and you’re right you need to separate from him completely emotionally and get your head around how best to protect your kids and yourself.

Sorry you are going through this.

It's far too early for him to be telling them about the baby.