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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Homeowner seeing someone in a flat share

95 replies

Supernova23 · 23/01/2023 11:42

AIBU? If you were a homeowner (female) and working professional, would you see someone who was in flat share at the age of nearly 40? I've binned him now as I think I was very naive.
I could see him trying to move in with me.
Would it put you off if a bloke was nearly 40 and in a flat share, not saving for a property, or AIBU?

OP posts:

Pointeless · 23/01/2023 11:43

Yes, rightly or wrongly it won't put me off.

Pointeless · 23/01/2023 11:43

would! Would put me off!

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 23/01/2023 11:44

I think there is a bit of context needed. I know people well into their 30s in flat shares in London who can’t save for a property because their flatshare is 700/800 pcm.

Reugny · 23/01/2023 11:47

Depends.

As a PP said flatshares in London and plenty of other places are expensive. If he was previously married/in a long partnership which is why he is now single at 40 then that would explain why he can't afford a property.

Original poster

Supernova23 · 23/01/2023 11:48

Reugny · 23/01/2023 11:47

Depends.

Not previously married, no previous LTR, no kids.

OP posts:

neverbeenskiing · 23/01/2023 11:49

I don't think it matters what anyone else would do, the fact that you saw this as reason to "bin" him means your feelings for him obviously weren't that deep so you did the right thing. No point wasting your time if you weren't that into him.

Geranium1984 · 23/01/2023 11:53

Depends on the situation, plenty of single people flarshare in London as it's very expensive. Would be OK if it's just sharing with one other professional in a tidy flat. But a huge multi bedroom flatshare might mean they're a bit immature.

Glorianna · 23/01/2023 11:55

No, you are mismatched. You were right to bun him off.

Lcb123 · 23/01/2023 11:56

very dependent on the exact situation. London is so expensive that I don’t think flat share in 40s is that unusual - hard to save if you don’t earn much and no other means to get a deposit (like parents or inheritance). That reason alone seems a bit unreasonable if you did like him

Original poster

Supernova23 · 23/01/2023 11:56

It's not in London btw.

OP posts:

rwalker · 23/01/2023 11:58

Difficult to say
but that said I wouldn’t want to with someone that shallow that because there in a better position than me accommodation wise they judge me solely on that

Swiftswatch · 23/01/2023 12:00

What’s wrong with someone not wanting to live alone?

Reugny · 23/01/2023 12:04

I could see him trying to move in with me.

If you don't trust his attitude then you aren't suited as a PP said.

BTW I have friends with property who dated guys with no property. The reasons were varied. The guys didn't move in with them until they were about to get married.

beAsensible1 · 23/01/2023 12:04

not everyone wants to be a homeowner or live alone. It can be quite isolating for some people.

I do think especially as men get older and they are un partened their personal community tends to be quite small if they don't have children so often will be in flat shares.

Maybe would rather use his money for other things, but if it's a problem for you then doesn't matter if its right or wrong really.

SleeplessInEngland · 23/01/2023 12:07

For British people, homeownership is practically a religion. If that religion is important to you then yeah, it's a deal-breaker.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 23/01/2023 12:11

I'd be more put off by knowing he had never had a long term relationship.

GasPanic · 23/01/2023 12:14

Suppose it depends what you want in life.

Most people in a relationship want to live together sooner or later. Just because you have different arrangements now doesn't mean you can't come up with some equitable arrangement in the future for living together.

Equally if you don't want to live with someone you are in a relationship with then that should be the end of it, and the relationship either goes forward in that way or not.

Making good choices is not just about binning losers. It's also making sure you don't bin people with good prospects for silly reasons.

If this guy ticked all the boxes in all other respects then it is probably a silly reason to bin someone. If his behaviour is more indicative of a general lifestyle (for example not wanting to make a home, settle down and have kids) that is different to what you would be interested in then its probably a good reason to end a relationship.

Nagado · 23/01/2023 12:48

I could see him trying to move in with me Was he actually making attempts to move in? Or was this just something you could see happening in the future?

oioimatey · 23/01/2023 12:55

Someone who is 40-odd and has never been in a LTR (or lived with their GF) is a red flag in itself.

I don't think a bloke in a flat share would in itself be a problem, but if he didn't have goals that aligned with mine or showed ambition then I'd show him the door.

WaddleAway · 23/01/2023 12:56

Some people don’t like living alone, and if they’re single with no children then a flat share is the logical thing to do.

pinkyredrose · 23/01/2023 12:58

Did he try to move in by stealth?

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 23/01/2023 13:02

Well, I wouldn't want to date you, shallow as a puddle.

At 40, I'd already had a decent time in my career (accountant) as I got my degree alongside working full time. After a relationship breakup I decided to take some time out to travel. In between adventures, I'd house sit/house share/sofa surf.

no regrets. Plenty of relationships & avoided narrow minded twats.

win/win

rhowton · 23/01/2023 13:05

I wouldn't be with any man who lived in a flat share at 30, let alone 40. But I also wouldn't date a man who couldn't drive..... Gross!

Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 13:07

Depends on the situation and background. It's pretty tough out there atm, and many reasons someone couldnt afford to live alone. Plus, some people might prefer it - the company, someone to share the financial burden with etc.

That said, if no good reason for it, I think it would put me off slightly as well.

theycallmejane · 23/01/2023 13:07

I would have reservations.

I've worked very hard to get my own property (no hand outs), and I'd be wary of being seen as a meal ticket.

A man in his 40s in a flat share in London wouldn't be a huge red flag if he also had savings and a good job. I'm not sure how I'd feel about another city - is flat-sharing normal anywhere else at that age? I haven't experienced it, but it might be a thing.

If he had no money to his name and was still doing a fun job for pin money rather than trying to make a career for himself, I would run.

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