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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Homeowner seeing someone in a flat share

95 replies

Supernova23 · 23/01/2023 11:42

AIBU? If you were a homeowner (female) and working professional, would you see someone who was in flat share at the age of nearly 40? I've binned him now as I think I was very naive.
I could see him trying to move in with me.
Would it put you off if a bloke was nearly 40 and in a flat share, not saving for a property, or AIBU?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/01/2023 18:15

I go for personality not bank balance. I'd give him a chance.

Frazzledmummy123 · 23/01/2023 18:17

rhowton · 23/01/2023 13:05

I wouldn't be with any man who lived in a flat share at 30, let alone 40. But I also wouldn't date a man who couldn't drive..... Gross!

Are you being sarcastic, or is this post for real?

Coyoacan · 23/01/2023 18:20

Maybe he's just not as materialistic as you. I personally love living with other people

Scumbling · 23/01/2023 18:23

SleeplessInEngland · 23/01/2023 12:07

For British people, homeownership is practically a religion. If that religion is important to you then yeah, it's a deal-breaker.

This. Not caring about not getting onto the property ladder, far less climbing up it in the approved increments, is the equivalent of graffiti-ing an altar in the middle of Sung Eucharist.

motherofqilins · 23/01/2023 18:24

There could be many reasons he decided to share a flat. If I was not in a relationship where either me or my partner wanted to life together yet and I got along well with the person I shared the flat with I might enjoy the company and also see it as good way to safe some money for when I do find someone to settle down with.

My friend well in her 30s still lives at home as she sees it as a nice way to have some companionship and to have more disposable income. People chose to not live on their own for multiple reasons not all of them to do with being unable to afford to live on there own.

If this is the only reason it feels a bit harsh unless there are other red flags about his spending or hinting he wanted to move in.

Justalittlebitduckling · 23/01/2023 18:38

An advantage is at least he knows how to live with people and share the space. Some men who get to forty and have lived alone for a long time have horrible habits.

Battyfumworts · 23/01/2023 18:38

Sounds like he dodged a bullet, lucky guy

qpmz · 23/01/2023 18:41

I wouldn't want to stay over at his and queue for the bathroom in the morning!
Only you know whether to continue seeing him. Do you have good chemistry and laughs together? Has he got a career/pension/savings on a similar level to you? Maybe he has a rental property you don't know about?

Are you exclusive yet? If not you can still date others aswell and see how it goes.

Fruityfloral34 · 23/01/2023 18:49

I would probably ditch too just because you are coming from two different places and are used to different levels of responsibility, that is how I would feel, rightly or wrongly. The fact that you are not in London and he has also never had a LTR does hint at a Peter pan ism. He likes being on his own, op.

ChilliBandit · 23/01/2023 18:52

The no LTR would be a bigger red flag to me than the flat share.

Some people have perfectly good jobs but will never earn enough to live alone or own a house.

SpaceRaiders · 23/01/2023 19:06

I’ve dated a couple of guys who lived in flat shares. On both occasions it quickly became a given that I’d always host because we’d have more privacy and or we weren’t confined to one room. Another bug bear is cleanliness isn’t a defining feature of the average house share. It’s perfectly fine in your 20’s, not so much in your 30’s and 40’s!

Then I very briefly dated a guy who didn’t drive, unbeknownst to me until 4 dates in. On paper we were practically neighbours, in reality it took him nearly 2 hours on the bus and he’d have to time his departure based on the bus timings which was somewhat awkward.

I personally don’t think this has anything to do with being materialistic, this is much like any other signifiers for compatibility. Either you fit the criteria or you don’t. I know I certainly don’t fit some criteria for many reasons, it’s just a part of life.

Frazzledmummy123 · 23/01/2023 19:07

SleeplessInEngland · 23/01/2023 12:07

For British people, homeownership is practically a religion. If that religion is important to you then yeah, it's a deal-breaker.

It is absolutely a religion here. Some people who follow this religion think they are superior beings.

sacremerde · 23/01/2023 19:09

Wouldn't put me off. He's still independent and renting.

bootyCarl · 23/01/2023 19:17

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 23/01/2023 11:44

I think there is a bit of context needed. I know people well into their 30s in flat shares in London who can’t save for a property because their flatshare is 700/800 pcm.

Truly I don't get this. Students pay that amount. If you're 40 (working two decades) and live in a flat share - not through choice, but be because you haven't managed to save... tbh that is unusual. In my opinion. There's not even any bills for flat shares

bootyCarl · 23/01/2023 19:20

Also people are mentioning property ownership. I think it's more the shared flat than not owning a property that puts some people off.

Justasec321 · 23/01/2023 19:21

It would out me off.

It seems ...... convenient?

Coffeellama · 23/01/2023 19:23

bootyCarl · 23/01/2023 19:20

Also people are mentioning property ownership. I think it's more the shared flat than not owning a property that puts some people off.

But why?

Lockheart · 23/01/2023 19:24

bootyCarl · 23/01/2023 19:17

Truly I don't get this. Students pay that amount. If you're 40 (working two decades) and live in a flat share - not through choice, but be because you haven't managed to save... tbh that is unusual. In my opinion. There's not even any bills for flat shares

Show quote history

No bills for flatshares? I must have been imagining the gas, council tax, electric, and water I've paid for the last 6 years.

bootyCarl · 23/01/2023 19:24

Seems a bit young. You don't have your own space. @Coffeellama. Also, as per my first post, it's one thing to choose to live in a shared flat to save versus to have no choice/no savings.

I'm not at the age yet where it would be put me off, just throwing ideas out.

bootyCarl · 23/01/2023 19:25

No bills for flatshares? I must have been imagining the gas, council tax, electric, and water I've paid for the last 6 years.

That's unfortunate. Not all do, many are included. No point paying for shared Wi-Fi. It's included in the rent.

EmmaDilemma5 · 23/01/2023 19:26

I absolutely would date someone. It would depend why they were in that situation. I think YABU to assume everyone who's near 40 and in a flat share isn't worth dating.

Good luck finding the perfect person...

Lockheart · 23/01/2023 19:27

bootyCarl · 23/01/2023 19:20

Also people are mentioning property ownership. I think it's more the shared flat than not owning a property that puts some people off.

Do you read the news? We're in one of the biggest rental crises ever seen. Not only are rents sparing but there is a desperate lack of properties to rent. It's not so much about pounds and pence it's just as much whether or not you can find a property to rent in the first place.

Lockheart · 23/01/2023 19:28

*soaring!

CountZacular · 23/01/2023 19:30

It would definitely put me off, and not because of home ownership. I’d be concerned about having to host 100% of the time and would rather just avoid it.

Lockheart · 23/01/2023 19:30

bootyCarl · 23/01/2023 19:25

No bills for flatshares? I must have been imagining the gas, council tax, electric, and water I've paid for the last 6 years.

That's unfortunate. Not all do, many are included. No point paying for shared Wi-Fi. It's included in the rent.

Is it? Fuck me who knew I could have had free WiFi and utilities all along.

Or, without the sarcasm, you're an ignoramus who has sod all idea what you're talking about.