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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Homeowner seeing someone in a flat share

95 replies

Supernova23 · 23/01/2023 11:42

AIBU? If you were a homeowner (female) and working professional, would you see someone who was in flat share at the age of nearly 40? I've binned him now as I think I was very naive.
I could see him trying to move in with me.
Would it put you off if a bloke was nearly 40 and in a flat share, not saving for a property, or AIBU?

OP posts:
rhowton · 23/01/2023 13:07

From your update, no LTR or no children.... red flag. No thanks!

gannett · 23/01/2023 13:12

I could see him trying to move in with me.

You would have had agency here. If you didn't want him to move in or didn't feel your relationship was ready, you ultimately would have had the say in whether that happened.

Houseshares into your 30s and 40s are commonplace in London because the housing market is fucked and rent is astronomical. If you don't have wealthy parents to help you out, if you don't work in a well-paying sector and if you're not in a couple, there isn't really a great route to home ownership.

Some people also don't want to be tied down to a particular location. I know a few people who could easily buy where they're living now but they're not invested in staying in that city and work/family situations might mean they have to relocate anyway.

Being in a houseshare doesn't tell me anything about someone's character and there are so many varied reasons for it so no, it wouldn't affect whether I wanted to date them. If it turned out their character was someone who wanted to leech off me that's a bridge I'd cross when it became apparent.

As a PP pointed out though you obviously weren't into this guy anyway so regardless of his living situation you were right to end it.

Skyeheather · 23/01/2023 13:12

10 years ago DP dated a 35 year old women living in a flat share. We now live together in his house and have two children. The house is DP's, I have no claim on it and that's fair, he paid the mortgage and now owns it outright. When he dies the DC will inherit the house.

Not everyone has an ulterior motive. It was just circumstances of life that I never had a job that earned enough for me to buy my own place.

But you didn't like him enough to give him a chance so he wasn't right for you.

EsmeSusanOgg · 23/01/2023 13:16

This really is a toughie. Because there are a whole range of individual circumstances to consider! My now DH when we started dating (though we were early 30s) was in a flat share and I owned my own home. But he had saved a substantial deposit and at the time was working offshore, so only using the flat (which was subsidised by his employer) a couple of weeks each month. I know other friends who temp house share when they've moved somewhere new for a job, or are saving money to buy/ rent alone. But I do agree, it can be a bit of a red flag, especially combined with other issues.

Johnisafckface · 23/01/2023 13:18

Not necessarily. Sometimes it’s not about finances, Some people just don’t like to live alone. My dd is like this, she hates living alone and would probably have a roommate or live somewhere where there are common areas no matter her age. I’m the opposite, I like my space I even hated sharing a room in college.

starfishmummy · 23/01/2023 13:24

At a similar age I was doing "project work", I.e shortish term contracts in different areas of the country. Lot's of us were in flat shares or lodgings either with colleagues or whatever we could find as we weren't really anywhere long enough for a tenancy. As for saving for a property, that wasn't something I would necessarily be telling someone I was " seeing" unless it developed into a LTR

GroggyLegs · 23/01/2023 13:30

I don't think house sharing on its own is a problem & possibly preferable to living with parents at 40.

But being financially irresponsible if he's got no savings & spending it all on crap, and pushing to move in when you're nowhere near ready are not attractive traits.

Not the one for you OP.

Coffeellama · 23/01/2023 13:37

Would you have stayed with him if he rented his own place and just wasted far more money on rent? Because flat share seems a sensible way to save money, or enjoy disposable income if no intension to buy. Of course he could just be a looser but there’s not enough context here to judge.

roarfeckingroarr · 23/01/2023 13:39

Living in London with one flat mate, in a grown up tidy flat - ok. Not great though, I would rather date someone who also owns their home.

Cherry8809 · 23/01/2023 13:40

Well, you sound pretty judgemental

SleeplessInEngland · 23/01/2023 13:42

Dump him - he'll have dodged a bullet.

StarlightLady · 23/01/2023 13:43

It wouldn't put me off, but I would be looking for someone to have fun with, not someone to move into my property.

Astralitzia · 23/01/2023 13:54

My oldest housemate will be 40 next year. She's lovely, she just doesn't work in a highly-paying field and can't afford to rent on her own or buy.

I'm in my early 30s and I do have a well-paying job and I still can't afford to buy anywhere that would allow me to feasibly keep my job, despite having a fair whack in savings. I could rent on my own, but then I wouldn't be able to save any money. If I ever want to be able to buy, I need to save money.

Living in a houseshare or HMO is not a character flaw.

Viviennemary · 23/01/2023 13:58

Binned him?????? Your attitude is very bad. I would say he is the one who had a lucky escape.

Hont1986 · 23/01/2023 13:58

It wouldn't put me off. There are plenty of reasons why someone would be renting, their housing status wouldn't bother me. If they were a low earner, that could be an issue - is that what you are really asking?

DuchessofSandwich · 23/01/2023 14:01

As long as it's temporary and due to circumstances I wouldn't mind. I can easily see someone live in a house share after a break up or life event. As long as they want the same future as you and have the same values regarding money and property (among other things) it's fine.

EMUKE · 23/01/2023 14:01

No, no and a no. I’m sorry but within the UK, a priority is our living accommodation. It’s not snobbish but it shows a multiple of things if someone can sustain a home. At the age of 40 I feel anyone, man or women should be settled. A flat share in my opinion at 40years of age is not settled. People would be way more judgmental of it was a female in a flat share trying to live with a male.

GoodChat · 23/01/2023 14:06

It depends why he was living in a house share and what he spends his money on.

drammatico · 23/01/2023 14:16

@Supernova23 , the naked truth may be that you're dating relatively late in life when the vast majority of "good catches" have already been caught. Unless you are lucky to find a MrRight who has been waiting all these years to find the perfect partner who just happens to be you (fingers crossed), you will either need to date the unsettled (like your flat share guy), the dropouts/rejected (divorced or separated), the untrustworthy (extra-marital affair), or the berieved.

JoyPeaceHealth · 23/01/2023 14:28

It depends.

Was he saving?
Did he have a plan?
My x was in a house share but it was a very stable one .2 brothers in their family home. Parents deceased. But he hadn't saved. That was a turn off tbh.

I think you would have had to be very alert to him thinking "hmm would it be a handy gig to move in with her"

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/01/2023 15:06

Honestly I don't know. I think it would give me pause.

What I do know is that it doesn't make someone a 'twat' to decline to date someone for whatever reason.

MrsHutch3029 · 23/01/2023 18:05

Depends why he is living in a flatshare and not saving for a house. Maybe he prefers not to live alone and doesn’t have disposable income to save? Maybe home ownership isn’t important to him?

This time last year, I was a 30 y/o single mother living in a rented house. DP of 5 years took a chance on 25 year old me, knowing that I wasn’t not saving because I was wasting money on frivolous living. He’d been saving since he was 20 for a house and living at home, and after knowing I wasn’t just with him for a house, he put a deposit down on a 3 bed place, which he owns solely for now. We moved in with him 4 months ago, which he asked for.
So glad he didn’t bin me because of my living arrangements, but obviously OP and this dude weren’t going to be compatible based on that.

Sennelier1 · 23/01/2023 18:13

I would try and talk with him. Ask him why he didn't save up for his own place? If he says "I was confident I would find someone who already had an own place" I would kill him. No. Sorry. Bin him! Or maybe....

Yb23487643 · 23/01/2023 18:13

Depends on the context but would definitely put me off in my circumstances. If I was a nearly 40yo female in the same boat as him I wouldn’t. If he was in between houses I wouldn’t. He might be saving and about to move out. He might’ve owned in the past but for his mental health he was better living with other people. I wouldn’t want a guy moving in with me for different reasons but if I got any “free/cheap rent” type vibes I’d be off like a shot. Have seen similar happen to people

2bazookas · 23/01/2023 18:14

????? depends on the reason. Maybe he owns property elsewhere that he's rented out while working locally for just one or two years. Maybe he's supporting a parent's residential care. Maybe he's had an exciting and responsible career all over the world and hasn't settled down yet.. he parks his assets in the Caymans. Or, he's been a charity worker for decades, earning peanuts.
Maybe he doesn't discuss his private business because he'd rather not be targeted by some shallow gold digger.