Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

the property has been valued. I only want that. I have no idea, "what I think its worth". How would I even guess that? Yeah, zopla has a different value but that isnt accurate and we got the valuation done to get the correct value so this decision could be based on that.

They all get nasty at this point, stop talking to him and follow your solicitors advice.

It's all marital assets regardless of where it came from, if he wanted to protect his deposit money he should have dealt with that at the time you bought your first property, it's to late now.

His pension is potentially worth as much as your house, it's a huge asset, even if you don't ask for a share (it can be traded in your settlement) you need to know it's value so you can make an informed decision. Remember, you don't get half his pension, unless you don't have one if your own, you get a share to make the pots equal.

Same for any money on his accounts, he'll have to declare what he has for the consent order, how annoyed will you be when you've reached an agreement and at the last minute find he's been squirrelling away more than you thought.

What is there to salvage here by being nice? You’re already paying a solicitor, the divorce has turned nasty and his family don’t think much of you.

I would get everything on the table, as advised by your solicitor, and see what you’re entitled to. You can then decide what you want to go for, it doesn’t have to be all of it, and in fact, if that’s less, you can loudly and clearly point that out to him.

I think knowing what you ‘could’ have will help your argument for getting what you want.

just for clarification as there is seems to be confusion. STBXH told me "what he could afford" - the home report came back alot lower than this. I am not holding him to what he could/can afford. I just want what the house has been valued at. I only want half of that. I agree, it doesnt seem fair to get 50% but I need to think of me and house myself after this. Its also what we both agreed to and legally, I am entitled to half as that is what was agreed and drawn up.

You both went into the marriage in good faith and gifts and decisions were made in light of building a joint life with your joint resources..
So wanting 50/50 of what you have created together is fair enough.
If he wants to retrospectively claw back costs that isn't reasonable.
If he wants to do things that way then you'll have to stick to the letter of the law or he'll leave you high and dry. Your solicitor is right
Pity he is threatening you as he now feels it's all unfair, what's wrong with drawing a line in the sand and moving on. Maybe there is no other way than to go up against him, sad but he's forcing you that way.

Not how marriage works. I wish more people understood this. When you say "I do" you are effectively saying "I do agree to risk half of my worldly assets on us staying together forever".

I'm married btw, and the breadwinner. I wouldn't ever get married if I knew then what I know now!

If you're keeping the dog, make sure it's insurance policy is in your name, or he transfers it to you, it's a nightmare trying to sort these things out later.

I don't know why you're posting OP. You have a solicitor and they are giving you good advice, so take it. You won't be awarded more than you're owed.

I genuinely only want 50% of the house value. I dont care about his pension, I dont even know the provider, or anything about it. I dont know how much are in his savings, I never asked and he never disclosed this to me. I was happy agreeing to not touch these two things as I think it was fair. But the list keeps getting longer, and I dont appreciate the threats.

The insurance has always been in my name. Not for any other reason other than I have always paid for this.

I am a bit saddened to read some of these comments.

My in laws have been very generous and my husband has also inherited money that we’ve used towards a house. I would hope that this wouldn’t come up again, even in a divorce, as ‘his’. We both decided what to use it for, as a partnership.

Someone in our famliky is also getting a divorce atm and he brought all of the money to the partnership. He was retired, she retired early when they married and they fought several properties. He is giving her half of all properties, half of the sizeable savings (basically all his) and protecting some shares. But, according to this, he should be leaving her high and dry- both their children were grown up when they married.

I also often read about all money belonging to everyone etc in other threads. I also think it’s a bit sad that if people have children then that’s the only way that it is a true partnership.

We were initially sceptical about the generosity in our family members divorce but I feel that is a much nicer way to be. He wants her to be comfortable (even though she left him in a horrible way.)

So, op, I think you should start with what you’re entitled to and then make some concessions that you feel are worthwhile to ensure that you get to keep your dog.

🤣🤣
th marriage act changed in December 2000. Since then pensions HAVE to be considered as joint assets in divorce. The government introduced this to ensure that (women usually) weren’t left improvised in retirement with the government picking up the tab.

I didn’t say you, in practice, will get some of his pension. But pensions, and ALL assets have to be declared legally on form E and D81 . There is even a specific section in the forms to declare pension values. the courts frequently sign pension sharing orders going to pension companies as part of divorce process these days.

How you might decide to split is up to the couple if going consent order route- but pensions are part of the equation. But, The court will not “seal” the consent order if it doesn’t meet “fair settlement” - that comes first, and if that means sending the parties back to drawing board to rethink their consent order and it meaning pensions have to be split , then that’s what they’ll do.

In my own divorce we agreed to ring fence our pensions but that was balanced by other assets. I was, on paper, the wealthier one, and even I understood I would be a lot worse off at divorce, and that I was lucky my ex agreed to ring fence pensions in exchange for other assets.

your ”come on now” that the courts treat pensions as last resort is way out of date. It is legally part of the overall picture to ensure fair settlement now and into retirement. There is no “even “ about it. It is the legal situation imposed by law, by government decision, that the courts have to consider in EVERY single divorce.

@NewShoes We all need to tell out sons and daughters that when you get married you sign a legal contract and agree that all your assets are now held jointly (unless you take legal steps to protect them, which isn't easy) getting out of that contract is harder than getting into it.

The wedding dress and flowers etc. is just fluff.

You'll find out what it's worth by selling it and starting afresh in your own place.

Stop talking to him, it's not amicable anymore. Say you'll be leaving it with your lawyers because you don't want to argue with him and hope to part as friends.

Let the lawyers hash it out.

Take half of everything. Pension included. Why do you want an impoverished old age?

I'd refuse to discuss it, let it go through solicitors. Preferable if you're not living together.

Listen to your solicitor, they know their onions. He's trying it on, albeit can't blame him. Be different imo if you'd had to take time out of the workplace for children or whatever as your career would have been affected whilst his was enabled, but as its not the case he's really done himself over here hasn't he.

Please stop engaging with him or giving him too much headspace. Let your solicitor sort it all out. You have tried to be reasonable and now is the time to disengage. He will soon get used to it and hopefully he will want it sorted quicker then.

Him going after the dog is just a threat. He won't see it through.

It is disappointing for him that he didn't ring fence the deposit and gifts from his parents. But that is none of your concern.

My thoughts exactly!

I'd already got 16 years worth of equity in my house when I married my ex, and when we split 15 years later, he got 47.5% of the equity. It was only reduced from 50% because he had savings equivalent to 5% of the equity, which he kept. Our pension pots were very similar.

He doesn't want you to get wind of how much he's worth. If/when this goes to court, he will have to disclose all his savings, pension assets etc, as will you. The settlement will be based on that, as well as the house.

He's trying to short-change you, OP, so don't let him get away with it. My ex was "spending" a lot in the run up to our divorce, and a lot of it was squirrelled away in a bank account in his sister's name. The stupid half-with was boasting about it after the final hearing.

Don't let him get away with it. Pensions are also treated as assets of the marriage.

Your solicitor is right to say you must get declaration.
do you know that even a £100k pot of money will not generate an income of about £6000 per year. If your husband has been contributing it’s oa pension he’ll have been able to do that tax free. So for every£80 he put in the government has made it £100, or more importantly if he’s the higher tax band, every £60 has been worth £100.

this means he may have a huge pot in terms of over £100k . Whislt your pot , with less tax uplift, might be less than £50k which will generate maybe £2000 per annum. You may think this doesn’t matter if you’re young…but it does.

the earlier you invest the more that money has chance to grow. So that £100k invested at age of mid 30s is going to be worth a hell of a lot more in retirement than £100k invested at age of 50.

at the very least look at the values before you decide anything. It is the legal process - as I’ve said earlier he has to do a legal declaration - it is not optional and that includes valuing the pensions.

you don’t have to be a gold digger or adversarial about it. Just a simple , oh op we do actually both need to do form E and D81 for the courts. Let’s do that and exchange then see the whole picture.

I personally wouldn’t touch the deposit for the house but I wouldn’t pay back the monetary gifts from family.

I would take 50% of the house after deposit but leave his savings and pension due to only paying for the value of 30% of the house.

Anyone who had more wealth than their partner though take this as a warning, don't get married!

I think you're unreasonable to try to take half. He paid the whole deposit, the overpayments and well over half the regular repayments. Plus the gifts from his parents. Morally, I think you're acting poorly.

If the laws are anything like the US, when you leave the home, the divorce becomes your “fault” for abandonment. Whatever he is saying, do the opposite!

You have no children to house. You've paid but a fraction of what he has. It's not right that you get half.

Zero sympathy for you if you leave the home and don’t follow solicitor’s advice. You’ll end up with very little as he’s shown he’s prepared to be a cunt if you exercise your rights.