Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

@KettrickenSmiled this isn’t negotiation, it’s blackmail. She can leave that line out if she wants but the message should be speak to my solicitor and not me.

He benefits massively by buying you out as now upheaval for him. You absolutely deserve 50/50 but see what your solicitor advises.Perhaps he's calling your bluff on your dog as he hasn't shown interest so is just using as leverage. Bastard

"So, I'lIt would be a different if there were children involved and you were a stay at home parent."

You made a statement that SAHPs should be treated differently than working parents or someone with no children. I questioned as to why you felt they should be treated differently.

We are all equal under the law. OP is due her fair share, working or no, children or no.

Of course you don't sound like a good digger. You've been a partnership for 15 years. You contributed in different ways. 50/50.is fair.

Honestly just let your solicitor deal with him now. Any communication can be done via them. Go for 50/50.

As sad as it is I’d probably also consider letting the dog go if keeping it means being tied to a blackmailer. He’s playing dirty, you need to watch yourself.

@Michellexxx

I totally agree.

Op and her DH have been together an awfully long time and spent their youth together.
You can't buy that back.

One can understand When people have been married a short time that they want to protect their asset's or in appalling marriage or second marriage with DC asset's to protect.

Even then people do marry in good faith.

Imagine a world where people did want to make sure the person they married was taken care of.

Op it sounds like his parents are hounding him a d going on about it.

My in law's also helped with a deposit and I know they would also be like blood hound's after me if we ever split. I wouldn't be surprised if the shopping list was somewhere, mil has certainly itemised everything fil spent on DH as a child!

Also, why is he in such a rush for you to move out. Don't. Tell him you will move out, once you get the money you need to move on.

The only people who will really benefit from an acrimonious split will be the the solicitors. Your husband has now shown how he wants to do this so prepare yourself for a fight. Good luck OP.

This.

You don’t have to listen to the advice of strangers on the internet but this (aside from your solicitor) IS the best advice you’ll get. You really need to take a big step back and start behaving differently in this situation. He is hurting and this is him lashing out/becoming vindictive. You reacting isn’t helping anyone. Ignore and forward to the solicitor.

I've been following this and whilst Scottish law might be slightly different to English law , I can't see that once you are married that it really is such a huge difference and surely OPs solicitor is advising in that and thinks it all should be declared pensions assets in property and other stuff

I doubt anyone here really would agree that OP is a gold ldigger as that's just nasty names to call someone when they have been together for what was over 10-15 years and supported each other and married for many years too

It's just one of many nasty terms that are inappropriate and that get bandied around when someone is trying to get out of legal asset sharing

I hope OP listens to her solicitor and doesn't get bullied into the fact these were and are marital assets

And that each have supported each other, when someone works longer hours there is often a partner or spouse at home making all of that possible. As someone needs to make sure food is bought, dinner is cooked and house and life admin is taken care of. If she wasn't doing that the fair enough but if she was then she has supported her stbx husbands career whether they have DCs or not.

You have to seek all you are legally entitled to.
just because one earns more than the other does not mean fair is only asking for the percentage you put in. If you had no income would it be fair to get nothing? Remind yourself of all you contributed to the marriage and home.

No it's not.

You initiated the divorce. To call him a bully and try to distance yourself from any action that might paint you in an unfavourable light ("I don't want his pension and savings, my solicitor is telling me to take them!") is in really poor taste. Accept he's not going to roll over for you and nor should he. If you want to clean him out, just be honest about it, otherwise order your solicitor to ignore his savings and pension. Very simple.

If the deeds say you're entitled to 50% of the house value, more fool him for agreeing that. He MUST give that to you. It's for your lawyers to negotiate if deductions should include overpayments (unlikely), gifts from parents (definately not) and his deposit (not if he stays in the house).

How much did your family and friends put towards it?

Do NOT let him take the dog. He is going to keep it as a bargaining chip. He suddenly wants to see it after not bothering.

Time to listen to your solicitor.

Obviously. I was just clarifying that it is (or was) in the vows, specifically, that the couple is giving/sharing 'all their worldly goods'. But how many couples really think about the actual 'nonromantic' meaning behind the vows?

I do think that people should be better educated on exactly what marriage or cohabiting legally means as far as a breakdown of a marriage/relationship. Of course, most '1st time' couples would probably be seeing through rose coloured glasses and would just think "Oh, not us! That will never happen". I think (hope) many '2nd time +' couples see things a bit more clearly since they've been through it before.

Yanbu

you are entitled to half the house and probably more.
stop engaging with him. He’s probably listening to his parents banging in his ear all the time.
text back and tell him you will not be discussing anything more as it is just escalated and his solicitor can talk to yours.

Of course it's always easy to comment from the outside when it's somebody else's issue, but I feel like I'd get the full legal/financial overview from the solicitor and then try and make the decision using my own morals/perspectives.

Let's be honest, the solicitor isn't going to give you moral/emotional advice. In fact, I'd imagine they're supposed to remain impartial and just give you the facts. But if they do nudge you in any direction I'm guessing it will be to maximise your takings (although I could be wrong).

Ultimately, it's your choice but if you decide you want to try and 'take him to the cleaners' then at least own it and don't blame it on the solicitors advice.

FWIW, I agree with those that are saying that entitlement and morality are different things.

A lawyer could suggest to a man that he doesn't marry his SAHM partner so as to avoid being in this situation. He could wait until the kids move out and then evict her penniless and move in the younger model.

He's entitled to do that but it's defo not morally right.

Go 50/50 on everything. He is trying to screw you over.

he is not the only one who can go back on verbal agreements. Just tell him as you can’t both agree 50/50 on everything is fair. (Including his savings and some rights to his pension)

Your ex is not on your side. Follow legal advice and don't get drawn into anything on his terms. Seriously.

He married you in full knowledge of what this means financially.

Well I kind of feel sorry for him! He's paid way more than you, his parents have gifted money, and you were the one who wanted to split. Poor chap

OP,
I understand he wanted to buy a larger house than you hoped for but he more than compensated for the purchase of the larger property by paying the full deposit, 70% of the monthly mortgage and regular monthly overpayments. If you go for a 50/ 50 split then you are effectively counting all of these things as part of the pot to split but you must know that isn’t fair?
Also you said you were unhappy he bought a larger property than you would have chosen but you didn’t put anything towards the deposit at all. When you bought the house you weren’t financially able to actually buy any house at all because you had no deposit saved . So it was still pretty great that he stumped up the whole deposit so you could both get on the property ladder. Did he also pay stamp duty and solicitors costs for the house purchase?
It’s easy to forget this now but a decent person wouldn’t forget that.
You have talked about his savings and pension do you have any savings from the last 15 years? I think you are asking to be talked into validating your financial aspirations from this split which you instigated because you know you are trying to justify the fact that you are now going to behave badly.
You are almost doing the script in reverse trying to repaint him as a villain and a bully when he just sounds panicked and uncomfortable that you are going to try and take much more financially from him than you deserve. Also when you have both worked full time for 15 years to imply that you are going to try and touch his savings and pension. I think you have relied on his generosity and very large salary in more ways than you have even acknowledged here and you want to end the marriage but not end the big financial buffer he has always provided.

If they'd gone for a smaller house, with lower bills, she would have been paying out less, and therefore been able to put more money into her savings, which would have enabled her to buy a house herself now without needing 50% of the current house. But no, he wanted the big house, which means she can't afford to buy a house now. So he got a big house at her expense. How is that fair?

Yes but she only paid 30% of the mortgage so that levelled the playfield to surely allow her to save also. Also a 10% value increase in a larger property which she can now have a share of will also be significantly more than a 10% value increase of a smaller property. I don’t think the house size overrules the 70% mortgage payment the full deposit and his parents gifts enough to make 50/50 fair. If the OP tries to add his savings and pension into the pot under the guise of her solicitor suggesting it I think she is being unfair and she knows it.
Also I don’t believe from what she is saying that the OP would be trying for less than 50% if they had bought a smaller property.