Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

Also nope he doesn't have court ordered contact with DDog!

He doesn't realise that his pension pot IS included (as is yours) and share of the value and he can't retrospectively as for money to be excluded as you were a couple - judges don't pay much mind to monies before or who paid for what when you were together. Judge will share it fairly and equally including value of pension pots
Don't downplay if you were doing more of share of managing the home unpaid as that's work too to enable his career

*and share of the value (assets / funds in) the house

God no!!
I was feeling bad when he was always complaining to me.
I could never get back with him now

How long have you been separated OP?

OP can't you see he's blackmailing you. He doesn't want the dog, he just knows he can poke at it like a finger in a wound. If you had kids it would be he's going for custody. It's a pricks trick old as time. Get cross about it.

Stop speaking to him about this, leave everything to your solicitor and hold your ground.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy yes I know. I was responding to people saying she's not entitled to 50/50. If they are tenants in common and he hasn't ringfenced deposits etc that's his lookout....

This not about your situation.

Agree. He can say what he wants, his solicitor can say what they want, but NOTHING is binding until it is signed off by a judge.

Don't be bullied into anything. His ".....I will come over, ....it will be deducted, ....I will continue seeing, etc is pure bullying/intimidation tactics. Or possibly this 'bulldozing over you' behaviour is the reason why you're divorcing him in the first place!!!

Can you legally deny him entry/change the locks under Scottish law? Do you worry he'll take the dog and not bring him back?

You keep saying we agreed and that might be the case. But how is it morally right to take half of the house when you hardly contributed to it? For about 5 years you were basically a kept woman, now you want out and you want much much more than you put in. I can see why many PP don't think this is right.

This is harshly worded no doubt but I also feel like I'd not want to take more than I've put in, even if the opportunity arose legally. I'd just feel grabby and would no doubt feel hard done by if the shoe was on the other foot.

You are not a golddigger.

You are just acting in accordance with the legal contract of marriage you both voluntarily agreed to.

I wish people realised this about marriage. It's not really about a white dress, a party, or even being in love, it's a legal contract.

One where instantly all assets become jointly owned, whetehr you are poor or rich. If you don't want to do that don't get married.

He's just shitting himself now and realsiing the contract he signed was not a good one for him.
Well you could choose to be magnaimous and not take everything to which you are likley entitled, but why would you if he continues to be shitty?

I'd start palying hardball back. If he doesn't agree 50/50 on the house you'll go afeter all his assets he's not declaring.

And the stuff with the gitf is just vile. Yes his parents gave it to him and he shred it with you his wife. He can'tr chnage his mind about that now.

Wise up, use the law, play hard ball back. He is bullying you.

If you don't wnat to share everything you own don't sign a legal contract saying you will.

I think that it's only fair he get his deposit back and then you split the remaining equity in the house. You do sound quite grabby for someone that's only been married a few years.

Ignore the posters stating their ‘moral’ beliefs. You supported your partner in working a job that enabled him to make so much more money.

How so?

He supported her through her degree and trainee job by paying disproportionately into the mortgage. This will have boosted her career prospects but made him poorer rather than 'enabling him to make so much more money.'

She wasn't a SAHM.

The way housing is at the moment she must take her 50:50 share in order to live somewhere decent. It doesn't make her a gold digger as it's been a long relationship. If she ends up with too little she could end up with poor mental health and a burden on the state.

If he put in 70% it seems like you're not doing too badly. Have to wonder what the value of the thing you want is worth. Do what the solicitor is saying.

I think you do sound grabby. Basically you're benefiting massively from him buying a house and paying for the vast majority of it.

I personally wouldn't' do it but hey. Yes, you're probably 'entitled' to it.

Would be interesting to see replies on this thread though if it were a rich woman and her ex husband was posting saying he's paid for barely anything but wants to take her to the cleaners #justsaying (would we not be saying what a cocklodger!!!)

Stop communicating with him about money. Tell him it's all via your solicitater and that is it.

And you are married - that means you both agreed to pool assets and resources
Where does it say this in the marriage ceremony?

That isn't the way it works! When my ex and I separated we lived in a flat which I owned before I met him, and there was only a tiny mortgage on it when we met - he still got half, I knew that he would and didn't carry on like a spoilt child about it.

Follow the advice of your solicitor OP. Your STBX can huff and puff all he likes - just ignore him.

Listen to your solicitor.
Do not move out of that house.
He is bullying you, and you need to fight fire with fire. At he very least find out what he’s hiding in his accounts and threaten to take half of everything and then you can agree to 50% of the house only if he ceases the bullying tactics.

Wow OP, it sounds exhausting. I can see why you are getting a divorce from him. For what it is worth I really hope it turns out OK for you, I think you will end up better off than him because he is a person who would use a dog to get what they want. Despicable behaviour.
Best wishes to you.

Exactly what @MalagaNights said. I can't believe how ignorant so many seem to be about the division of assets when a marriage breaks down - what century are you living in? If you don't want to consider sharing your wealth/assets with the person you supposedly once loved, then live alone all your life.

Reply “blackmail is unpleasant and illegal. Please ensure all correspondence goes through solicitors as it’s clear you can’t keep this pleasant. I won’t be engaging in conversations directly with you from this point on. I believe this is best for both our well-being. Best wishes op”

and stick to this. You are entitled to what you are entitled to and other posters with no knowledge don’t have any right to guilt trip you out of that.

Know nothing of the law in Scotland. BUT in England my friend had a short marriage six years. After a drawn out divorce culminating in court. He being the big earner, big pension, big inheritance from deceased relatives she got the small deposit back on the house and 7k . This was a decade ago and she was sixty.

It's the short marriage that worries me.

The patriarchy lol.

God forbid she rent/get a mortgage with her own money.