Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

She doesn't want 50% of everything just 50% of the house which judging by how he is reacting is actually worth less than everything combined

Oh I agree that in law it's different. Personally, morally, it doesn't feel right that one person can (theoretically) benefit more than the other out of the house situation.

I appreciate that if this were taken to a legal settlement it would be a different matter, and the people that would benefit most are the solicitors acting for both sides.

My point was really to highlight the potential discrepancy that could be caused by sticking to 50:50. Personally, I couldn't do it.

When I split with my ex, I'd put more money in initially to our property and we'd then paid the mortgage equally. Although the property was owned 50:50 he paid me an amount to buy me out, which at least partially compensated me for that deposit. I did end up with less money than I felt was my "share", which may have affected my opinion here, but ultimately I just took an amount that was enough for me to be able to move on with my life.

You're so confused with your thinking on this, it's doing you no favours. Two pieces of advice:

Trust your solicitors. From what small amount you've written about her, she knows what she's talking about. You're the client, she can't "go for" anything of your DH's without your permission. She can advise you that you might get this or that, but if you only want half the house, you can tell her that's all you want and she's not to pursue anything else. And she won't.

Secondly: stop talking about your future housing needs. That's your problem, not your DH's. You're divorcing. He doesn't have to care if you can afford to house yourself after the divorce (go live with your dad, or rent, or - who knows - you might meet the love of your life next week who happens to be a millionaire!). This is the reality of divorce. It's brutal.

Your ex is bullshitting you so you give into his demands. Do exactly what your solicitor has told you to do and you'll get what your entitled to.

Wow, I have just received the following text:

I can move money around but I dont want to, take my offer or leave it. I would like to see dogs name tomorrow and will come over and pick him up while you are at work. Solicitor is still drafing minute of agreement and I have instructed her to add a line stating that my parents gifts, deposit, overpayments, pension, and savings will be deducted from your half. That money was for our life together. Since that isnt happening anymore, its not yours. I will continute seeing dogs name until you sign and agree to these terms"

But why should you pay you more than half the market value of the house? Even if he can afford it, why should he? You’re already getting a lot more than you put in if you get half.

Don't bother responding - just send the text to your solicitor.
She will be able to draft a counter-proposal & deal with his nonsense for you.

He's bluffing, & he has not yet realised that he doesn't hold the upper hand.

He's also tactitly admitted that he is prepared to leave the dog to you. Make sure you highlight that point to your solicitor.

When did I say I wanted more than half?!

Please @FeelingGoodAsHelll DO NOT agree to what he is saying and listen to your solicitor. He sounds like a dreadful bully, your OH

Ignore the text and tell him to go through his solicitor
You must instruct a solicitor too
He's playing games
Get Legal and stick to their advice
He's trying to emotionally blackmail you and in law it counts for nothing

Stop communicating with him. Go through your solicitor.

So he's saying he'll keep seeing the dog until you sign, then he'll not see the dog again? That's how it sounds.

I'd answer saying 'this is still an open discussion and I request that all communication goes through our solicitors from now on.'

Sounds sneaky coming to see the dog while you're out!

This! X1000

He's scared of something and I'm fairly sure it's your solicitor not you.

Great that the dog sees him. No issue there.

Oh and take a picture of every room in the house before he comes round and email them to yourself. Lock up anything important or take it with you.

I think you can forget about any verbal agreements and an amicable split. Forward to solicitor and ignore.

Stop arguiing here and stop talking to your ex. He is breaking the agreement and thinks you are a pushover that will do what he wants.

Listen to your solicitor and do what she says. You can tell her you don't want his pension and savings but maybe she can see what you can legally get so that you can tell him "i can get all this, but i'm not going to so stop being an ass and keep your agreement".

It's going to get ugly whether you like it or not. It's ridiculous that he is starting over gifts. Listen to your solicitor they know best.

You need to rely on your solicitor getting your STBX's full financial picture, no matter what you feel you are entitled to. Once they have that you can certainly say I only want 50% of the house + the dog. Knowing his full financials will put you in the position to negotiate for that. If you want to settle for less, fine. But do it from the position of knowledge, not in ignorance of his financials nor in fear of 'mud'.

As far as 'mud-slinging', the UK now has 'no fault' divorce. The courts aren't interested in 'mud'. They only want to know the complete financial picture for both parties and make/approve a settlement based on that alone, according to the law. They don't say "Oh, you did all the housework so you get 90%" or "Oh, you were a real shit, so we're only giving you £1.00".

And to my knowledge, a pet is 'property'. So there is no 'custody'. The dog will be awarded as 'property' just as if you were arguing over a table, or a car.

As far as what he put in or his family 'gifted', if they didn't think to specify, unfortunately, that's on them. It's up to you to decide where you fall on that issue. Personally, my main concern would be what figure would allow me to adequately house myself. If deducting all their 'gifts' would leave me enough to buy a property suitable to my needs, then fine. But if it meant I would go from a homeowner to a home renter, then no.

You are only going to get in to a mess asking for advice on here. You have a solicitor make sure they have everything they need. Let his solicitor make out his case.

People on here are not in a position to give you legal advice. You may be entitled to a share of his pension from your 5 years of marriage, you may or may not have to accept his extra contribution to the house gives him a greater than 50% share of that too, but this will all depend of specific details of your case. Don’t pay too much attention to advice form people you don’t know on the internet as they could mislead you. Get your solicitor to set out how strong your case is regarding what share you are entitled to from the 5 years of marriage and the situation regarding the house. The advice may be “between X and Y” then you have to take the decision as to what to do.

In the end don’t assume anything you pay a solicitor to get you there. If you get a certain idea fixed in your mind then it turns out to be wrong you will feel worse for it.

he should have ringfenced any money from his parents and his deposit. He’s an actual idiot. This is why I will be doing with mine to stop grubby hands getting it. You have no children take your portion and go. Why on earth do you think you are entitled to what he paid in. I hope if he gives you half then he takes back what he promised because if he paid for it then he’s entitled to it.

Did your parents gift you over £5000 during your marriage to the mortgage? If so then yes you should totally get that back!!

What do you mean "if he gives you half"?

It's not his decision, & it's not in his gift.

You've also missed the update where OP says that HER parents also made cash gifts to the couple. But she's not asking for that money back.

I can understand you only want 50% of the house and that’s all. But he is being a dick and tbh I would stop any communication about the settlement and just leave it to the solicitors he is being a bully and trying to leave you with nothing, if anything it sounds like he has the hump about you saying your unhappy first and he is being a pain out of spite. Just stick to the solicitors and move on and be happy when it’s done

I think just take a step back, try not to worry about it and be guided by your solicitor. Don’t leave anything off the table, just let her get you whatever you’re entitled to and from whatever source (even if that is pension etc).

Yep, solicitor. Are you working from home? I’m worried he’s going to take the dog. It’s emotional blackmail since he has said he doesn’t care if he sees the dog up until now.

Find out from your solicitor if you have a legal right to keep him out of the house until this concludes, since he’s staying elsewhere. If so, I’d be changing locks at this point.

@MrsTerryPratchett @CountZacular

What he has in his pension is irrelevant to my point? She didn't contributed to his pension either.

It is nothing short of opportunistic to seek to exit a marriage with more than you contributed. It's different if there are children that have to be provided for or sacrificed a career to raise them etc.

She is seeking to gain financially due to the marraige. 30% of the equity is her contribution. Seeking more is opportunistic & profiting from the divorce.

Maybe some people don't have an issue with it, I'm of the view it's gold digging.