Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

I only want half of the house - half of home report value - because that is what we agreed, legally, contractually. I dont understand why we would agree that then go back on it, I need to house myself now and live off of a much lower salary, which is fine but I will not leave with nothing. I dont even want his pension or savings!!

Imagine thinking that a woman's only worthy contribution towards a family/household is children.

Why were you at university for at least seven years in order to get a job that pays £16,000? Seems highly unlikely…

(You met 15 years ago at university but bought a house 7 years ago just after you left university).

Regardless, you chose to not earn much money because you “love it”, that doesn’t entitle you to someone else’s money. He might’ve been a poor student when you met but you admit he was in a high paying field.

The fact is, the marriage didn’t hold you back or impact your earnings at all so, morally speaking, you should get what you put in. You only had a short marriage and the house pre-dates the marriage. You’ll likely end up with the less than you’re at now with the extra fees and time involved. You won’t get 50%, it’s a starting point and you have absolutely nothing at all working in your favour here.

but in your example, nope not a lot of point to marriage. As another poster suggested, maybe marry quick once you are old to benefit form Iht law 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣.

That was actually me not a other poster!!! I'm a quick learner.

🤣🤣🤣

I only want 50% of house because he agreed to that, didnt wish to ring fence any of his deposit. I will happily give his deposit back if my half of the house means I can buy somewhere else. If my half isnt that great then no, I will keep what I can, to house myself.

If I wanted his money or to beenfit from any of this, I would be going for 50% of everything and chancing my luck. I have no interest in half of anything other than the house.

Just give your solicitor everything they’ve asked for. You don’t actually have to split every single thing 50:50 if you don’t want to but at least all cards are on the table and you both know where you stand.

it doesn’t matter if he chose to overpay the mortgage, he did so knowing you owned exactly half of it.
he’s clearly hiding something from you so find out what it is.

you say he drew up a spreadsheet of costs and showed you a fair split based on your incomes. For all you know it wasn’t actually fair and he has been banking huge savings because you’ve overpaid in relation to the income split in which case his savings pot has been created at your expense.

and what mud is he going to sling at you? Who cares what he says, he’s not your friend, he doesn’t have any of your interests at heart and he does want to screw you over.

A lot of people here don't seem to understand what getting married means. It means you become one unit. All in. Joint. Everything becomes "ours". Anything you want to keep separate from that union, you make sure it is protected legally. Documented. Ringfenced. If you don't want to share, and don't want to have to split everything 50/50 in a divorce, then don't get married. OP's ex wasn't forced to marry her. He chose to. He signed up to this. There is nothing unfair about holding him to the contract he signed. In fact, he's very lucky that she just wants only HALF of the house value.

Alright OP, you've made that crystal clear. I think the reason why your STBXH turned sour is because the pensions and savings were mentioned.

You said in your original post that he's gonna move money around and go back to his original offer?

So if you had left it as is would he not give you what you wanted anyway?

There is part of the settlement where you both have to be adequately housed so that will be taken into account
Again ignore your STBX and communicate through your solicitor
He is not your friend here

You are supposed to get three and average.

But I never mentioned his pensions or savings he did. Infact, its only him that mentions it. I keep getting threatened about having our dog taken from me if I touch those assets. I havent said once I want them, I bloody don't.

Yes, but I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable with everything... the dog, the issues around moving out, my furniture etc. Not putting offers to other properties as I dont know what I will get.

One the home report there is a bit that states market value, it isnt far off the actual value.

Totally this.

She’s not asking for 50% though i she? 50% of the house but it sounds like he has a fair whack in savings and a pension which she is willing to forgo. I don’t understand how people think she’s a gold digger? She’s entitled to 50% of everything but she wants 50% of the house. From the sounds of it he knows he’s doing her wrong and is trying to stop her finding out how much he actually has.

I have voted YABU as you won't listen to advice from your solicitor.

You need to listen to them. He's going for your suggestion as he will benefit massively

@WFHbore2023

What do you mean by that?

I think you are being beyond fair. During the time you were married, both of you are entitled to share in the earnings and increases in assets. You are not asking for that, only for what you need to move forward and have a stable home,.

It does sound like he's sitting on something and is afraid you will find out. He went from agreeable to threatening and selfish. I think his parents are in his ear.

It's also very odd that he won't let you store furniture there, but wants you out. It almost seems he is creating a difficult situation. I would not leave until you know where you are going, and would definitely not let his parents keep the dog.

Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

Works both ways. If the higher earner was the woman, and the man hadn't had his career opportunities hurt by the marriage (e.g. he hadn't taken a career break to raise the children), I'd be questioning the morality of a 50/50 split in that circumstance too.

The OP actually mentioned that she retrained a few years ago and took a drop in salary. She said she paid her fair share, but I bet she couldn't have afforded to do that if she was a single person.

I can't see how her career prospects were harmed by being in this marriage (if anything, they were improved), so I can't see the moral justification for her walking away with so much more of the property than she actually paid for.

As I've said before, legally is a different matter.

So approx. how much equity is there in the house? If you only bought your property 7 years ago I surprised your PIL didn’t have to complete the form to gift money for the deposit - related to money laundering protection and to prevent people having a financial interest in the house. We certainly had to a few years ago.

At no point did I say they paid, or gave us money to the deposit. One Christmas they gave us £5k, as they did with their other children and their gf, and told us that they would like us to put it to our mortgage.

You might not want to touch his pension and saving but you are negotiating not knowing what is in them. That's foolish. It's like a gameshow, "bet money on what's in this box". Your solicitor is right, find out then negotiate. If he has a massive pension and savings, he's not going to want to mess with the house/dog. If he's broke apart from the house, maybe you'll think differently about the parents' gifts.

Either way, information is power. I suspect he has massive amounts stashed away and is concerned you will go after them. If you are happy you won't, it's still in your favour to find out.

And to all the 'flip the sexes' posters, happy to. Happy to flip the sexes to make men have a pay gap, male-dominated roles paid poorly, male unskilled and unpaid labour devalued, men poorer in old age and poorer as single parents, men doing most of the household labour, men's wages falling in childbearing years even if they are childless. That's not what you meant? Weird.

When you say that you made an agreement "legally, contractually," what do you mean? Do you have a legal contract that states in the event of a divorce each of you will be entitled to 50% of the house? Or do you mean that you made a verbal agreement to that effect? If the latter, I can't imagine it would be legally enforceable.

As PPs have said, follow your solicitor's advice. But you should be prepared to receive less than 50% due to the reasons PPs have detailed (the fact that you were married for a short time, etc.).

No one is saying it is, but a partner (man or woman) harming their career prospects and earnings by taking time out of work for something that benefits the other person's career should be renumerated in a split. Someone staying home to look after children invariably is about more than saving on childcare fees; it means the other person doesn't have to take annual/emergency leave when a child is poorly, they can work longer hours if needed without worrying about pick ups- just to name a few, ergo children don't impeed on their earnings as they would otherwise. It just so happens that in the vast majority of families its the woman who because a SAHP or cuts their hours.