Now I aint saying she's a golddigger...

[FeelingGoodAsHelll]

Hello all

My title is exactly how I am being made to feel right now.

Me and my husband are currently separating - we aren't legally separated just yet - we need to agree on minute of agreement which will be issued hopefully soon - his solicitor is drawing them up.

We bought out house 2 years before getting married. My STBXH paid the deposit (around 25k). I had just finished uni at that point and was in a trainee role.. so my salary was peanuts for a while. His parents gifted £5k to US (no paperwork, nothing) a few years back and paid towards some of our wedding too. Again, it was to US, no paperwork.

My STBXH, as he earns x4 my salary, decided to overpay the mortgage every month, as he could afford to, and wanted to reduce our mortgage quickly etc. I didnt overpay as I had a lower salary and couldnt afford to. The mortgage / bill split was probably 70/30 (me paying 30, I didnt decide this split, he put everyhthing into a spreadsheet which worked out what we should both pay, his idea).

We verbally made an agreement that I could keep something (I wont say what as it will be very outing) if I dont touch his pension & savings account. He also wanted me to give back his deposit, which I intially agreed but house prices are high so I said no that I wanted the house split 50/50 as per title deeds. He agreed. He then came over a few days ago and told me that he wanted me to agree to not touch anything in his personal bank account (I said I wouldnt, why would I?!). He then said that he wanted x, y, z item from the house added to this "list". I started to get annoyed as this list is getting bigger and bigger and all I wanted was one thing.

Anyway, he said he would buy me out, and pay me half the house, he told me the figure he could afford. Home report came back below this figure (by quite a bit). He now tells me he can't afford it, despite telling me the bank has agreed to lend him the money. He then asked if I would decrease my share. I asked by how much. He then said he wanted all overpayments, his deposit, and all monetary gifts his mum and dad deducted from my share. I told him that we should just sell the house if he can't afford to buy me out, he is reluctant to do this.

I Told him he was taking the piss and that he wont be happy until I walk away with nothing. He profoundly apologised, said he would move money around to get the funds (So he can afford it). I then picked a solicitor who told me that my verbal agreement was rubbish and that she wanted to see all bank accounts, savings, pensions to see what I am legally entitled to. I disagreed but she was quite adamant. I gave my STBXH the heads up about this to which he said, "if you or your solicitor ask any questions, or try and take my pension or savings, the fighting gloves will come on and mud will be thrown... youll walk away with a lot less than 50%, you'll regret it".

In the meantime, he keeps telling me to put offers on properties so I can move out asap but I can't as I don't know what my deposit will be. He keeps telling me to get a mortgage in principle, which I have but they are really low as I am putting down the worst case scenario, i.e. if I do end up with nothing. He told me that he won't give me my share of the money until I give my keys back to him (if he buys me out). I offered to move into my dads, so I can get this money and move on, but asked if I could keep bigger furniture in our house (my dads house is tiny) until I move in my own house, he said no, once I move out, I cant come back. I feel like he is pressuring me. My solicitor said he is bullying me and I should call bluff on the thing he has promised that I can have if I dont touch x, y, z.

I only want 50/50 split on house and the promised thing. However, I feel he is being unfair and pressuring me.

AIBU??

This split was mutal!!

Quite aside from any moral issues of money, I don’t think you can state with any certainty that she had the same opportunity to earn the same.

Different upbringings/ educations/ skills/ caring responsibilities/ disabilities/ location/ career paths, just to name a few will mean massive differences of the opportunity that are available to individuals.

You have no idea that she ‘chose’ a lower paid job or if even is a lower paid worker generally or comparatively to her ex.

I don’t think any of this has any baring on how their settlement is decided but it’s clearly not the case that all people have equal opportunities and that can seriously limit earning capacity or how easy it is to attain that.

Talk to your solicitor and ask their advice. Do not talk to your STBXH - refer him to your solicitor in an email or screen shot the text.

You’re only entitled to half his pension while you were married. It sounds to me like you’re taking him for what you can, which is fair enough but morally wrong. You didn’t put 50% into the house so you shouldn’t get it back out.

He's lying and hiding assets, that's the only reason for all the buggering about. Please take the advice of your lawyer and follow it through. Stop asking him for "favours", you're weakening your position every time you do this.

so hes hiding money then? i would say so.

get a very good solicitor and LISTEN to them - stop engaging with yout ex!! agree nothing and pay him nothing and do not move out - listen to your solicitior not randoms on the internet!!

THIS ⬆

You were married - money is family money. He earned more, he paid proportionately more.

I'll bet you do a much larger share of the housework etc. Listen to your solicitor - get as much as you can. You are entitled to it.

She's not going for his pension. They bought the house as joint tenants.

@Mumuser124 I don't see why. Currently they're married and have equal enjoyment of all assets. They split 50/50, level playing field, he still outearns her and has a more comfortable life from this point.

I really wish people would discuss finances and marriage more, if he didn't intend this to happen then he should have ringfenced his part of the property.

They should both be able to buy something with half the value of the property.

First of all I thought you were being very reasonable, however I hadn’t realised there were no children and 5 years is a very short marriage, so I can completely understand why his family are staking a claim on the monetary gifts they have given you. In a few years time when this is all over, you’ll probably never see them again. Why should they help you out? They were helping their son, that should go to them. However, I think he sounds very twitchy and out his pension and savings, hence there’s a lot more than you think. Also, he’s calling your bluff about the dog, he won’t want it. First rule of negotiation is to let the other side think they’ve got something that you want, in this instance the dog.

I would get this done via solicitors op what he is asking is for you to walk away with a lot less than 50% of the assets if you just go for the house and leaving all the rest will get flagged in court as potentially unfair on you

No children but long relationship still don't see why you can't give him his due. Seeing as you can take him for more then by all means go for it but don't try and pretend that it is anything other than unfair. Or say you don't understand or are hurt by his family trying to look out for his interests.

Again, nothing to do with the ops situation - just generally.
Say I've worked all my life (which I have) and built up a nice pension pot and then in my 50s meet someone who has not been a saver and has little to show in his bank account. He pays his way during the marriage, albeit less than me, but he still doesn't take advantage of living a better lifestyle on half his money to start saving and building his pension pot. We marry and split 7 years later. Why should he be able to take my pension? He's had the chance to sort his savings and pension out but hasn't taken it. Why does the court think it's OK to take my money and give it to him. Why should I be keft impoverished abd he gets a,windfall?
How does any of this encourage the wealthier partner to marry the poorer partner? I can only see more poorer partners not getting married because the wealthier partner is scared of being taken advantage of.

Are children involved, OP?

Your legal right as per being married is half of everything, not just the house.
All contents technically should be valued and split equally or the person with the most value pays the other for the difference.

He clearly has money hidden away which he amassed whilst being married to you. That’s joint, to be split, maybe he even has another property, who knows.

Stick with your solicitors advice, don’t move out of the house until you have your money ( it’s just the same as selling a house ) and as he’s started getting unreasonable I’d suggest everything goes through the solicitors from now on.

You are only going after 50% of the equity in the house though? If you have been paying the mortgage for 7 years (of 25 or 30?) then there may still be a big outstanding loan. Is half of the equity enough to give you a deposit on another property? You might find actually the need to house both parties means you need more than that.

No it isn't. 50-50 is the starting point for consideration. The legal right will be whatever the courts decide. Which could be everything or nothing.

But if you haven't paid for 50% of the house... why would you 'expect' it?

It only gets tricky if you have children or a pre marital agreement

The difference is that they had children together. In your 50s that would be unlikely. However spouses often put their own earnings on hold to support a higher earning partner, and should be compensated as a result. That is very different to someone marrying a 'poorer' person, and they can come up with a pre-nup if they are bothered.

OP, take your solicitor's advice, he is clearly hiding assets, hence his aggressive response.

Let them pull together your settlement requirement, and I would aim for 50/50 including pension, house contents or equivalent if you put yours on hold for his career. Plus child support.

My Dsis is going through something very similar although they have been married for over 30 years, no kids and she wants to keep the dog.

My STBXBIL offered half of the house if she left his pension alone which she verbally agreed to before seeking legal advice.

Turns out he has 5 pension pots and a huge amount of savings which make 50% of the house sale look like mere peanuts.

He is starting to get nasty now she has refused to accept his initial offer on legal advice.

I bet he is hiding a shitload OP.

This is exactly what happened to an elderly cousin. She had loads of money, he had nothing. She worked, he couldn’t be bothered. He, it appears used to beat her up!!
She got Alzheimer’s. We were her advocates so had to divorce them in order to protect her money. He got half!!! Of everything.!!!!

@Swissmountains

What on earth are you talking about?

I haven't given advice other than to proceed through the legal process and let the solicitors do the negotiating.

I think it should be obvious that the legal advice received would vary with circumstances like children etc.

I was actually talking about the op, but actually they don't have children.

No children. Together 15 years, married for 5. We have lived in our house for 7 years, though.

There were no children. Does the same advice hold with no children?