Hot and cold friend who’s wedding is costing me thousands to attend?

[33belle27]

So long story short, I’ve been really good friends, since college, with ‘Amy’. We’ve had our baby boys at the same time, gone through similar chapters of our lives at the same time and just in general had each other to lean on over the years. We are both now in our 30’s.

There has been a couple of occasions where she has seemed to go quiet on me, cancelled things we have planned or leaves me on read. I always put this down to just busy day to day life. On one occasion though she cancelled me at the last minute and then I saw on social media that she was out with friends later that day. I called her out on it and said it hurt that she couldn’t make time to see me but later was seeing friends, she apologised profusely and explained that it was a last minute decision to go out and that the morning had been hectic for her, which I understood and we moved on.
I make a lot of effort to see Amy and am always the one to organise what we are up to and when we are going to see each other, she will be really non-committal and I’ll often worry that she is going to cancel and she often will. She will always be really apologetic and will promise we will make other plans.

When we do see each other it is nice and I remember why we are friends and I convince myself it’s worth putting up with the hot and cold and that maybe I’m reading into it too much.

So she is getting married early next year, she has asked me to come, it is abroad and it costing me thousands to attend. When she asked me things were good and she gave me a heartwarming speech about how much it would mean to have me there and I was bowled over and felt I couldn’t let her down and that I’d love to see her get married. Of course we are having to make some sacrifices financially to afford going but for a long term friend who I’ve had so many lovely memories with, it felt right.

Recently she has gone quiet on me again, leaving me on read for days despite being quite active on social media and seeing friends etc. She will come back and apologise and explain how busy she’s been and get back to the conversation, but it does sometimes feel like she just doesn’t have time for me.

Friends and family have asked why I’m spending thousands to go to her wedding when she makes me question our friendship all the time. I just know that if I pull out of attending now that our friendship will be over. I don’t want to fall out with her but at the same time I keep going around in circles constantly wondering if she genuinely likes me or whether I’m just an anxious overthinker?

Can you go half way house here ? Back out of wedding citing finances (not entirely untrue, as you've said you have to make sacrifices ) and pull back a little from friendship to see if it lasts the pace. It doesn't sound healthy

the speed at which someone e reads and responds to a text is irrelevant and does not relate to how someone feels about another person. Also a gap in contact can be fine if the relationship is strong and steady. However you feel up and down about things.

I do not think you should go. No way. She is not into this friendship like you are. Make up a reason not to go and then do not contact her first. See how long it takes her to contact you.

It sounds like you want different things from a friendship. She may find your way a bit intense, you find her way a bit hands off.

Shes invited you to the wedding and made it clear what the terms of her friendship are. If you want to go and accept those, then go. If the friendship no longer works for you, then cancel and let her know why.

FWIW, I don’t think she sounds that bad but if it’s not for you then you can’t really help that

This is bonkers. How rich you are to go to someone's wedding and pay thousands? ask her to pay you the thousands.

It does if they read and respond to some friends quicker than others, which is what the OP seems to be insinuating.

Hi OP, a couple of things stand out to me.

First, you seem anxious about whether the friendship is real, is reciprocated. On the basis alone that you have DOUBTS about the friendship, I wouldn't spend thousands on going to her wedding. True friendships, in my experience, don't contain anxiety and doubt.

Second, I got married in the UK a couple of hours drive/train from London, where most of my friends live/d. It was not a £££ to attend. Nevertheless, I have 2 close friends who I thought were coming who ended up pulling out of attending - one had a conflicting wedding at which she was asked to be a bridesmaid, the other had work which conflicted.

Them not being at my wedding IN NO WAY meant the end of our friendship! I completely understood their reasonable reasons for not being there and had no hard feelings at all. So if you're right, and your friend would end the friendship if you didn't go to her ridiculously expensive wedding, then in my opinion that's even more of a reason NOT to go.

OP, I'd pull out.

I honestly can't be arsed with hot and cold relationships.

You've answered your own question in your op:

"I just know that if I pull out of attending now that our friendship will be over"

Then it isn't a real friendship, is it? Because friends understand that we don't have thousands of pounds to throw away.

Presumably the thousands will also get you to another country for a holiday and you will have a lovely holiday and and fantastic experience?

I don’t mind how long someone takes to reply. But I would be pissed off if someone backed out of an arrangement only to go out with someone else. If the friendship isn’t working for you, sack her off.

It sounds like you are the back up friend. When she doesn't have a better offer then she hangs with you, but if something better comes along she dumps you to be with them. Not much of a friend, I would pass on the wedding for sure. If you decide to continue with the friendship, I'd pull back a whole lot and not be very invested.

I personally wouldn't go.

It seems (and I may be wrong) that she prioritises certain friendships but not yours.

Whether or not that is the case, or if she's a bad friend or not-there's clearly facets of her personality/treatment of you that you don't like or appreciate, and that is enough of a reason to potentially call time/distance on the friendship.

It's entirely possible that when she cancels last minute or takes days to respond-that she genuinely is just busy-but it seems like she makes time for other friends. Just not you.

She's probably the type of friend that's best reserved for "quick coffee if free" meet ups, but not for "I'm going to spend thousands attending her wedding" friend. If you want to keep a semblance of friendship with her, cite financial reasons for not attending and then just meet her for coffee every now and then, keeping in mind how unreliable she is.

Can’t you just blame the cost of living crisis for not going? Surely you wouldn’t be the only one either as it’s a lot to expect people to go when it’s thousands of pounds

Do you think she'd do the same for you?

If the answer is no or you have to think about it, that's probably enough of an indication that you shouldn't spend all this money on going.

I try not to read into the late replies and cancelling etc because I know that some people aren’t as quick to reply. I have other friends who don’t reply for weeks and I know it’s not anything to worry about. It’s worth mentioning that she is very similar to me and would worry if I didn’t reply to her and has on one occasion asked me if I’m upset with her when I read and didn’t reply (a genuine oversight).

i realise reading this back it seems insane that I would carry on with this friendship, and had we not have known each other long or had so many special moments I would have turned my back at the first sign of hot/cold relationship.

I am a stay at home mom and over years have had a lot of anxiety, since leaving my career I’ve lost a lot of self confidence. I’m not sure how to speak up for myself or when I’m being too much of worrier and reading into things.

You’re not being unreasonable - an invitation isn’t legally binding.

but you sound like hard work as a friend.

Have you already booked flights?

For me, destination weddings are not just about the people getting married, they are an amazing trip for me, if I can afford it I love going

Hi OP I went through something similar last year and so wanted to jump on. I have come to the realisation that the vast majority of friendships (94% or so) are of their moment in time and by that I mean friendships formed while you work or study together and that is when they are their strongest. When the situation changes, the friendship will naturally ebb and flow accordingl. Very few friendships really last imho.

I think you have done well to keep this friendship trucking as long as you have so don't feel as though you have failed. There is a gut feeling, however, that is telling you that the friendship is more important to you than it is to your friend and I do think you should listen to that feeling.

Your friend currently feels as though it is totally okay to pick you up and drop you whenever she feels like it which means she is very secure you will be waiting for her.

I wouldn't bother going to a wedding when there is every chance your friend could blank you or not include you when you get there. I would pull back generally and see what your friend does but I think from the sounds of it that the friendship has probably run its course ans all that is left is a little bit of nostalgia from the early days.

I would put my energy into finding friends for the person you are now who can offer you similar to what you can offer them.

I would send a nice wedding card though x

Do you think she would sacrifice to make savings to afford thousands to attend your wedding abroad?
If she wouldn't do it for you then don't do it for her.
Some friendships are not that deep, some are just a catch up when you can kind of thing - not a forever friend.
If she can't be bothered to text you back (and everyone our age has their phone in there hand every 5 mins and can easily speed text a reply immediately) then she's not worth going wayyyy out of your way for. Obviously you'd attend if it was an hour or 2 away, but it isn't.

I haven’t RTFT but there’s no fucking chance I’d pay thousands to attend ANYBODY’S wedding. Especially not someone who dicked me around.

This is the response I’m getting from my family, starting to wonder if I’m a push over. I am genuinely losing sleep over this.

Worth mentioning that I am going to her hen do too, a group activity that is costing me over a hundred pounds. I also only know 1 other girl going.

we have booked the holiday but not yet paid it off.

all of this was booked when we were getting on great.

it’s not just the replies to messages/being left on read. It’s the cancelling me frequently and still having time for her other friends.

"I make a lot of effort to see Amy and am always the one to organise what we are up to and when we are going to see each other, she will be really non-committal and I’ll often worry that she is going to cancel and she often will. She will always be really apologetic and will promise we will make other plans."
It sounds like the saying 'Don't make someone a priority when they only view you as a option'. You know that's how she views you.

"Friends and family have asked why I’m spending thousands to go to her wedding when she makes me question our friendship all the time. I just know that if I pull out of attending now that our friendship will be over."
Well, there's not really much to be over, is there? It's really not what I call a friendship, in friendship there is reciprocity. Here, you are doing all the running and she occasionally drops some crumbs your way.

Save your money and your self-respect, and cancel.