Hot and cold friend who’s wedding is costing me thousands to attend?

[33belle27]

So long story short, I’ve been really good friends, since college, with ‘Amy’. We’ve had our baby boys at the same time, gone through similar chapters of our lives at the same time and just in general had each other to lean on over the years. We are both now in our 30’s.

There has been a couple of occasions where she has seemed to go quiet on me, cancelled things we have planned or leaves me on read. I always put this down to just busy day to day life. On one occasion though she cancelled me at the last minute and then I saw on social media that she was out with friends later that day. I called her out on it and said it hurt that she couldn’t make time to see me but later was seeing friends, she apologised profusely and explained that it was a last minute decision to go out and that the morning had been hectic for her, which I understood and we moved on.
I make a lot of effort to see Amy and am always the one to organise what we are up to and when we are going to see each other, she will be really non-committal and I’ll often worry that she is going to cancel and she often will. She will always be really apologetic and will promise we will make other plans.

When we do see each other it is nice and I remember why we are friends and I convince myself it’s worth putting up with the hot and cold and that maybe I’m reading into it too much.

So she is getting married early next year, she has asked me to come, it is abroad and it costing me thousands to attend. When she asked me things were good and she gave me a heartwarming speech about how much it would mean to have me there and I was bowled over and felt I couldn’t let her down and that I’d love to see her get married. Of course we are having to make some sacrifices financially to afford going but for a long term friend who I’ve had so many lovely memories with, it felt right.

Recently she has gone quiet on me again, leaving me on read for days despite being quite active on social media and seeing friends etc. She will come back and apologise and explain how busy she’s been and get back to the conversation, but it does sometimes feel like she just doesn’t have time for me.

Friends and family have asked why I’m spending thousands to go to her wedding when she makes me question our friendship all the time. I just know that if I pull out of attending now that our friendship will be over. I don’t want to fall out with her but at the same time I keep going around in circles constantly wondering if she genuinely likes me or whether I’m just an anxious overthinker?

What do you mean by 'leaving you on read for days'? Sorry if that's super obvious

TBH I would put up with the hot and cold business if I was fond of her. But I wouldn't spend thousands to attend a wedding I could ill afford. If she REALLY wanted you (or anyone specific) to attend, she wouldn't have gone for such an expensive and difficult wedding destination.

A real friend would understand there was a possibility some people would have to pull out due to financial pressures, especially in the current climate. Then there is the fact you have a child with autism, so it might be quite tricky for you to go. I don't think you should walk on eggshells fearing she will bin you if you cancel.

In short, if I were you I would tolerate her lapses. By the same token, I would require her to tolerate me cancelling plans to attend her wedding. She should be as understanding of you as you are of her. It's only reasonable.

OP, you’ve mentioned that your son has autism. I wonder if it’s the reason why your relationship with this has changed over years. She is less keen to have your family as a special friends and prefer to invest more into others, whose DC are friends / potential friends with hers. Also I guess your life as a parent of dc with additional needs is very different if hers DC are NT.
I’m talking from bitter experience here.

Hugs

You don't want to go
It will cost a fortune
She's going to be busy and probably won't really care..are you a bridesmaid or just part of the crowd?

So if you can get your money back then do it.

Once you are free of that burden you can decide how you feel about your friendship.it sounds like she just doesn't see you as a priority and that you probably care more about her than she does you.
That's very hurtful...but know that you are eorthybof dominoes time and respect and support. If she doesn't give you those things then she's sadly just Somone you know.

Time to find other more worthy freinds and catch up with her If and when she makes a time slot for you.

Lastly I can't bear trying to go along with the vanity of these kinds of weddings
Will you be one of 7 bridesmaids and buy your own dress that I've picked out from Karen Millen nope. Will you come to Barbados for a reception nope.
See you when you get back. I just don't care. What I do care about is supporting Somone I love marry their beloved. But I don't want to be part of your Instagram show. And if your dress, ring, destination is more important than your love then I'm definitely not going to repeat the expensive uncomfortable boring performance for wedding number 3 or 4.

A real friend would understand. If she really wanted you there she'd have bought your ticket.
Your fear and hurt is clear from your post.
Hugs go find real loving freinds who don't make you feel like shit
You are worth it. Xx

I have wondered this, she is always so supportive and tries to understand what it’s like having a son with additional needs.

I have lots of other friends who’s children are also NT and we have happily maintained our friendship.

I never expect people to truly understand life as mom to a child with autism and I just compartmentalise, as before I had my son I wouldn’t have had a clue myself.

she loves my son and makes lots of effort with him when she sees him. He is very easy to love and is an absolute joy so that’s hardly surprising :)

sending hugs, sorry to hear someone has let you down in that respect

i have worried about taking my son abroad but I feel like the main reasons why I’m getting cold feet is the way she makes me feel recently, as though I’m an afterthought. Especially when I’m due to pay another instalment for the wedding/holiday.
x

Hey, sorry! I meant read my message and not replied for days.

she is very active on social media and posts regularly, so I do often wonder why she can’t fire me over a 30 second reply x

How is it costing you multiple thousands of pounds to go abroad for a few days? There would surely be a cheaper option to go, if you wanted to still be there?

This is so kind and has bought a tear to my eye!

my heart breaks thinking I might hurt her feelings but in the same respect surely she shouldn’t want me to worry about money to attend her wedding.

thankyou for your lovely reply x

We've all been there.
If it feels difficult or makes you anxious it's because somethings just not right.
Good luck sorting things out .
you can do it
Big girl pants
Xx

My brother went abroad to get married. (His now wife clearly didn’t want the huge wedding he did with all his mates there )
We could not afford to go, so didn’t.

It’s expected if you chose to marry abroad not everyone will go.

It’s unlikely to be a surprise, unless she’s a complete idiot

Id also say the friendship sounds odd. She seems to be using you. You’ve bothered to come on here and get others opinions which shows you care so I’d suggest you have a chat with her about how her silences make you feel.
If she doesn’t get it then walk away as it sounds like she’s getting you very stressed.

ps. You’re not over thinking it, you’re a normal good friend.

OP, it seems obvious to me.

Back off.

Just back completely off from her.

Stop instigating contact. Go radio silence and see what happens.

Give it a month - or whenever it is that you need to pay the next instalment. If you haven’t heard from her at all in that period, you have your answer.

If she does reach out, you can consider how you want to proceed.

Take some control back.

its not for a few days, it’s for a week, going for less time actually didn’t change the cost and it was limited on flights going in and out. There’s not a cheaper way to do it unfortunately, unless I go without my husband which will still cost me a fortune and I will be on my own.

Effort goes both ways. If she can't put the effort in. Drop her as a friend

Thanks for your reply.

I really do care about her and always have. I have definitely made that clear to her over the years. And I guess she has too, over the last few months though it really does feel as though something has changed. Shes helped me out lots in the past and I have her.

I know her well enough to know that she is going quiet on me for one reason or another and honestly there’s just no obvious reason to me. Unless she just isn’t getting the same things from the friendship anymore and we have drifted apart. Obviously that happens and is a fact of life sometimes, I’d rather not find that out after spending a fortune to go to her wedding.

if we had gotten married abroad I would have understood that lots of people wouldn’t be able to afford it. X

Honestly? If I were you I would be happy to sacrifice the deposit and would cancel. It's not worth losing sleep over.

I think I am going to stop putting the effort in so much.

I have a lot to focus on over the next couple of weeks anyway so I can just keep myself busy and see what happens.

I guess if she’s not a true friend and not meant to be in my life then then that will become apparent when I stop making all of the effort

I’d try to get her on the phone first
try a few times
if she doesn’t answer then it would have to be a text. But at least she’ll see that you’ve tried

ideally a meet up is more polite but sounds like she can’t be trusted to turn up and a meet up would be stressful enough without
worrying about whether she can actually be bothered to be there.

Good luck.

I had this before. A close friend from school yet when we went to uni (all of us in our friend circle went to the same uni) she suddenly didn’t have as much time for us. Which was fine, for the first two years we all accepted it and were happy to see her when we did.

However, I’ll not go into details, but something happened to me that was quite hard, and it was a time I needed support from friends. I had been there for her many times in the past. I thought I could count on her being there for me when I was in my time of need (the first time I’d ever needed support from friends).

She vanished. She barely spoke to me online, never made any effort to meet up. My close friend called her out on it, and she made up a really lame excuse to why she hadn’t been there. She said she would be more present.

Me and my close friend had felt for a while like she wasn’t really interested in us anymore, so we both made the decision to stop making contact with her and let her come to us. We both genuinely thought she’d message us within a few weeks.

That was years ago. We never heard from her since. Of course, at the time a few months into this, we heard through the grapevine that she was upset with us for not including her anymore, but she clearly didn’t have the capacity to realise that friendship is a two way street. It requires effort on both sides to sustain it.

There was never any fall out. Any argument. Any disagreements. She just never had the awareness to realise she’d been a shit friend and she also needed to make effort to sustain a friendship. She was the sort of person who ultimately felt like everything should just revolve around her.

This “friend” of yours sounds very similar. I’d be willing to bet if you don’t contact her again (after her inevitable “sorry I’ve been busy” message), you likely won’t hear from her again (perhaps once more regarding her wedding closer to the time).

I know it’s difficult when you’ve had a child and you feel cut off from the world (I always felt like my maternity leaves were the loneliest periods of my life), but this friend doesn’t bring value to your life. She takes energy and love from you, but doesn’t replenish it.

I would quietly slip out of the friendship and the wedding. It doesn’t need to be a confrontational episode, rather you simply don’t make effort anymore and when she does message you close to the wedding, you simply say that it no longer feels appropriate you attending as you haven’t spoken in x months and feel like the friendship has run its course but you wish her all the best.

Of course, if she does start engaging and making an effort then you have something to build on. But really the onus now needs to be on her.

Also, to add, I don’t necessarily agree with PP’s posts about trying to message/ring/meet up with her and explain how her absences make you feel.

Firstly, it is mentally exhausting to have your mind occupied by this sort of scenario. Even though you don’t want it do, it consumes you. It isn’t healthy. If she isn’t willing to respond to lighthearted conversation, I doubt she’ll feel compelled to respond to conversation which is ultimately a criticism of her behaviour. Very few humans enjoy having their failures pointed out to them, and them having to take responsibility and to apologise for that.

Additionally, a friendship shouldn’t be this much work. Me and my closest friend don’t talk every day, but when I message her, she replies within a few hours, same when she messages me. We both have busy lives but we make time for each other. If we were to arrange to meet up, unless one of us was in an emergency situation or ill, we’d show up. We certainly wouldn’t be cancelling on each other go to hang out with other people later on. We can rely on each other. We can trust one another.

And finally, it’s very clear to me that this “friend” does not behave like this with her other “friends” who she’s known for much less time. If she did, she wouldn’t have other friends. If she is treating OP poorly compared to other people, she doesn’t value OP in the same way that OP values her.

I’d also be concerned that if OP started messaging/ringing her for a response she’d end up being nasty about OP and trying to paint her as someone who was desperate and weird, rather than the truth which we all know is she clearly cares for this person and doesn’t want their friendship to end. I wouldn’t want to give her any sort of ammunition to annihilate her character.

That is why I feel OP just quietly slipping away is a much better option, for it gives her control and ownership over the situation and retains her dignity. She shouldn’t have to “beg” for her “friend” to respect her- if she does it will either end up with the friend being nasty or lying to her.

Honestly, do this.

And if (when) you don’t hear from her, you have the perfect response and reason for not attending her wedding.

‘Unfortunately DH and I just can’t justify (say ‘justify’, not ‘afford’ - because you can afford it, you can just no longer justify it as she isn’t a good enough friend) the cost of attending your wedding and hen do. I’m really sorry - I’d love to celebrate with you at home when you’re free, although as I haven’t heard from you in months, I assume you’re too busy, so will leave the ball in your court’.

I just know that if I pull out of attending now that our friendship will be over

The wedding's not for another year or so, and the drama will only get bigger and more unmanageable. Right now is the easiest time to deal with it.

Honestly, OP, as I get older, it seems some things become easier to see. Don't go, kiss goodbye to the deposit, give her a kind and honest explanation. If she doesn't want to remain friends after that, it will let you know exactly where you stand and you'll get over it.

I suspect you'll feel bloody relieved in a week's time.

Do it. Cancel and minimise the losses. As others have suggested send a nice gift. Either write a card or send a message that you can no longer attend. Move on, you're clearly not important to her, I bet everyone had the nice speech etc. Spend time with your other friends, find a new interest to take up the headspace she's occupied.

She is no friend of yours if she ends the friendship because you pull out. A proper friend would be fully understanding and accepting of that. Take the hit and lose youe deposit, tell your "friend " you can't go and leave it at that. It will be interesting to see if she contacts you again

First your husband listen to him. Second a friend you calling her a friend...After cancelling to then go out with other friends you really want to call someone like that a friend...You know late message replies or un answered phone calls, normal in a true friendship....but to cancel and cancel and dump you like that over and over.....Cant you see your worth more than that because clearly your husband can, clearly strangers here can. This is not a friend this is someone who knows fine well you are a push over and that she can cancel and you will still be there next time and the next time...Hard tho it is stand up and get away from her and stick with healthy relationships. I know how hard being at home is I'm the same of 4 and trust me you can do it walk away from the toxic friendship. If you want a friend hey im here :)

If she's a true friend she will understand if you can't afford to go. A good friend of mine didn't attend our wedding and while I was a little sad about it I totally understood why she couldn't and wouldn't even occur to hold it against her or think she's not a friend because she didn't come. Not a destination or thousands involved, but she no longer lived nearby and had young children.