Hot and cold friend who’s wedding is costing me thousands to attend?

[33belle27]

So long story short, I’ve been really good friends, since college, with ‘Amy’. We’ve had our baby boys at the same time, gone through similar chapters of our lives at the same time and just in general had each other to lean on over the years. We are both now in our 30’s.

There has been a couple of occasions where she has seemed to go quiet on me, cancelled things we have planned or leaves me on read. I always put this down to just busy day to day life. On one occasion though she cancelled me at the last minute and then I saw on social media that she was out with friends later that day. I called her out on it and said it hurt that she couldn’t make time to see me but later was seeing friends, she apologised profusely and explained that it was a last minute decision to go out and that the morning had been hectic for her, which I understood and we moved on.
I make a lot of effort to see Amy and am always the one to organise what we are up to and when we are going to see each other, she will be really non-committal and I’ll often worry that she is going to cancel and she often will. She will always be really apologetic and will promise we will make other plans.

When we do see each other it is nice and I remember why we are friends and I convince myself it’s worth putting up with the hot and cold and that maybe I’m reading into it too much.

So she is getting married early next year, she has asked me to come, it is abroad and it costing me thousands to attend. When she asked me things were good and she gave me a heartwarming speech about how much it would mean to have me there and I was bowled over and felt I couldn’t let her down and that I’d love to see her get married. Of course we are having to make some sacrifices financially to afford going but for a long term friend who I’ve had so many lovely memories with, it felt right.

Recently she has gone quiet on me again, leaving me on read for days despite being quite active on social media and seeing friends etc. She will come back and apologise and explain how busy she’s been and get back to the conversation, but it does sometimes feel like she just doesn’t have time for me.

Friends and family have asked why I’m spending thousands to go to her wedding when she makes me question our friendship all the time. I just know that if I pull out of attending now that our friendship will be over. I don’t want to fall out with her but at the same time I keep going around in circles constantly wondering if she genuinely likes me or whether I’m just an anxious overthinker?

Someone that cancels on you at last minute and then goes out with other friends instead is absolutely not a friend

@33belle27 you don’t work and still plan on spending ££££ to attend a wedding? Let alone the wedding of a woman who doesn’t value your friendship. How much is this Hen Do? I don’t understand bride to be asking their friends to spend £££ on a night (or several nights!) as this is very selfish.

I would distance myself from this ‘friend,’ but if you don’t want to then tell her you can’t afford a destination wedding (and Hen Do?). A real friend would understand. However, I get the impression she will ghost you until she wants something from you.

The not replying straight away wouldn't bother me. Cancellations are annoying especially if they are last minute and going out later in day is rude she basically picked those friends over you. She's been a friend a long time, do you want to go to her wedding? Can you afford to? If no then cancel, blame finances/complicated home life. If she's a good friend she will understand. But do it soon otherwise your a bad friend for messing her about.

Sounds like you need to back off a bit and let her make the effort. Including explaining that you’re sorry but you can’t afford to go to the wedding.

Tell her you can’t afford it and will be cancelling. If she’s a natural friend, she will understand, but I suspect that the friendship may be over and I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Sod that I wouldn't go! I had a friend just like this and eventually the friendship came to and end. It wasn't until this happened that I realised how much happier I was without the worry & stress of that 'friendship' in the back of my mind all of the time!

I find it odd that you're expending all this emotional effort on making your decision without knowing how much you will lose if you cancel.

Surely that's the first thing to do, as I'm genuinely not sure cancellation insurance covers you if you've just changed your mind, but equally when we cancelled a jet 2 holiday because it was more than 90 or 60 days we just lost £120 in total.

Cancellation insurance doesn't cover you changing your mind. It's for illness etc. Plead call the holiday company asap to find out what their terms are. There's no point agonising over this situation if you can't cancel without paying full price.

I have friends like this, flakey but long time friends. I can be this person when life takes over .. it’s not an excuse for shit behaviour though, but I understand it.

BUT

where is she getting married that it’s costing you thousands?! I don’t know if I’d spend that on anyone apart from close family!

Thanks for your reply, I think you are right.

I think what I’m doing here and seem to have been for some time, if I’m honest with myself, is begging for her to keep up the friendship. Surely if she was my genuine friend the effort would be reciprocated and I wouldn’t be in so much turmoil all the time about whether things were ok with us.

I have a couple of other close friends (in different friendship circles) whom I don’t feel like this about. I know exactly where I stand with them. I never lose sleep over our friendships.

Surely me having to pull out because of the very real cost of living crisis is not a good reason for her to cut me off. If she does I guess it’s pretty much the case that she’s only my friend when it suits her.

I have looked at the booking details. Any changes or cancellations this far in advance will incur administrative charges, I can still get my money back.

You’re overthinking this, she doesn’t sound like the massive flake the title implied. Equally, if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it.

This is not a balanced friendship. The evil side of me would cancel (or rebook an alternative) the holiday, but don't tell her.

Cancel on her last minute. She how she fucking feels.

Cancel. Face to face the best option, phone call alternative in my opinion. Do it today.

Contact the Maid/Matron of honour and say that you can no longer join them on the Hen. Your financial situation has changed of late and you just can't afford it.

When you get the actual wedding invite in the post, just send a decline card back. Wish them well and move on.

I’ve been thinking about this thread and I think I’d cancel the booking or move it to somewhere your family would like to go to. Then when she next contacts you tell her you won’t be able to attend due to CoL.
It would be interesting to see how long goes by before she instigates contact with you.

Friends and family have asked why I’m spending thousands to go to her wedding when she makes me question our friendship all the time. I just know that if I pull out of attending now that our friendship will be over. I don’t want to fall out with her but at the same time I keep going around in circles constantly wondering if she genuinely likes me or whether I’m just an anxious overthinker?

Listen to your real friends & family.
Any 'friend' who you have to pay out thousands of pounds to keep in with is NOT you real friend.

Just tell her you don't have the budget & regretfully will not now be able to attend. If she ditches you - so what? You can stop anxiously overthinking whether she is your friend or not, because you will have established that she most definitely is not.

I would back out for many reasons including the fact that your DH is suggesting it's the right thing to do. I'd definitely support my spouse going to a foreign destination wedding if it was absolutely what they wanted to do for a good friend, but that's not the case here and that money could be put to better use.

And no I doubt she will be your friend if you back out, but she doesn't seem like much of a friend at the minute to be honest.

You really don't need to be bothered by what the controlling husband of a woman who is not really your friend any more thinks.

I'm glad. In that case I'd cancel and with the cost of living crisis as my only explanation. Don't get tied up in a conversation over it.
And if she really presses you, say "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable sharing our financial situation, I can only tell you, that sadly this trip is no longer a possibility for us"

Bin it all off and block her. Nothing is worth this much anguish and you have enough to contend with already. It sounds too as if the husband to be could be a bit of a problem, but that's not for you to solve

I’m going to be blunt because you know what you want and need to do but seem to be totally overthinking it.

Cancel the booking, now.

Deal with telling her later, when you’re ready.

The money can be spent on better things. How are you going to feel if you have spent all that money on her wedding, and then she treats you like a convenient person for company when it suits her? Or even ghosts you?

It does sound like she’s marrying a controlling man, but that doesn’t mean you have to go to the wedding.

Telling her: I would compose what you want to say, keep it short and simple. “Circumstances around money and childcare have changed and it’s not possible for me to attend. I hope you have a wonderful day and that it all goes smoothly for you.”

Just have some back up phrases ready saying that you can’t come in case she starts begging you to come (but don’t justify or apologise). It’s just a fact, you can’t come, it’s not doable for you and your family, you hope the wedding is wonderful for them.

I wouldn't spend thousands attenting anyone's wedding unless they were close family or very best friends. I wouldn't pay that for someone who constantly flips between hot and cold.

Hello OP
This is a tough one and I can see why you feel conflicted

Old friends with whom we have a long, shared history are special and irreplaceable

But if you are as important to her as she is to you, I am wondering why you are not more involved with her wedding - either with the planning of it or on the day itself. It may be your friend knows you are too busy but it also seems as if you are not part of her inner circle because she must be talking and planning and involving some friends

So maybe you are not as significant for her as she is for you. That doesn’t stop the friendship having value though for both of you

I wonder whether her behaviour has altered much with you since she began her relationship with her fiancé and whether that has a part to play

Going to the hen party and wedding might be a lot of fun and make you feel closer but you are uneasy and that is significant.
Expense is a very real issue. And it’s fine to turn down the invitation on that basis alone. Would you feel the same anxiety spending the money if you felt more reassured about her feelings for you? If you would then, regardless of the friendship, it would be sensible to reconsider anyway.

Maybe it is fine to not attend without burning any bridges. You could explain you would love to but financially it’s too big a stretch. You could buy her a lovely wedding present and wish her well. And know that, even though you really enjoy time with her, she is just not very available to you. No reflection on you or of your worth but it is how it is.

If you go decide then be sure you and your DH can make it an opportunity for a great holiday regardless of whatever else happens. And if that doesn’t seem likely then, again, it seems wise to reconsider.