Hot and cold friend who’s wedding is costing me thousands to attend?

[33belle27]

So long story short, I’ve been really good friends, since college, with ‘Amy’. We’ve had our baby boys at the same time, gone through similar chapters of our lives at the same time and just in general had each other to lean on over the years. We are both now in our 30’s.

There has been a couple of occasions where she has seemed to go quiet on me, cancelled things we have planned or leaves me on read. I always put this down to just busy day to day life. On one occasion though she cancelled me at the last minute and then I saw on social media that she was out with friends later that day. I called her out on it and said it hurt that she couldn’t make time to see me but later was seeing friends, she apologised profusely and explained that it was a last minute decision to go out and that the morning had been hectic for her, which I understood and we moved on.
I make a lot of effort to see Amy and am always the one to organise what we are up to and when we are going to see each other, she will be really non-committal and I’ll often worry that she is going to cancel and she often will. She will always be really apologetic and will promise we will make other plans.

When we do see each other it is nice and I remember why we are friends and I convince myself it’s worth putting up with the hot and cold and that maybe I’m reading into it too much.

So she is getting married early next year, she has asked me to come, it is abroad and it costing me thousands to attend. When she asked me things were good and she gave me a heartwarming speech about how much it would mean to have me there and I was bowled over and felt I couldn’t let her down and that I’d love to see her get married. Of course we are having to make some sacrifices financially to afford going but for a long term friend who I’ve had so many lovely memories with, it felt right.

Recently she has gone quiet on me again, leaving me on read for days despite being quite active on social media and seeing friends etc. She will come back and apologise and explain how busy she’s been and get back to the conversation, but it does sometimes feel like she just doesn’t have time for me.

Friends and family have asked why I’m spending thousands to go to her wedding when she makes me question our friendship all the time. I just know that if I pull out of attending now that our friendship will be over. I don’t want to fall out with her but at the same time I keep going around in circles constantly wondering if she genuinely likes me or whether I’m just an anxious overthinker?

You are still trying to find excuses not to cancel. This "friend" isn't bothered about hurting your feelings, so please don't feel guilty about cancelling.

Don't make up loads of excuses. Just message her on whatever platform you use and say "Unfortunately we will no longer be able to make the wedding. I hope the day goes well for you".

That's it - no need to justify or explain.

If you tell her you can't go because money is tight (which, let's face it, it is for a lot of people) she will understand if she is a good friend.

It might even teach her she isn't the centre of your universe and maybe she needs to make a bit more effort. People who choose to get married abroad need to understand that not everyone wants to pay £100s or £1000s to attend their wedding.

Dont let her manipulate you. She may well miss you if you're not there but she will be so busy that it's not going to ruin your day so don't spend so much money based on that.

Yes I would cancel the holiday. Its crazy to spend thousands on someone else's wedding. When my sil got married abroad, she expected guests to decline the invitation. Hardly anyone went, so she put on a party when she got back. It's crazy, especially when she's not invested in your friendship. I'd cancel then message her saying, I'm really sorry but I've had to cancel because my financial situations changed, I cannot afford to come now. But I hope you have a beautiful wedding and honeymoon.

OP, putting this bluntly but if you dropped dead tomorrow your 'friend' would no doubt just get on with her life.

Honestly why do you think she'll actually be heartbroken if you don't attend her wedding ?

Words are cheap and easy to say.....people's actions show their true feelings.

Might be an idea to work on your own feelings and why you allow yourself to be treated in this way.

You are too intense and it sounds like you imagine that you are her best and only friend. She obviously has other friends and acquaintances and tries to see them too, and when she does this you get hurt and offended. I think you should cool it down a bit because you sound suffocating and clingy. You don’t see it this way but she probably does. Do you have other friends?

I wouldn't spend thousands to go to a good friend's wedding. People who choose to get married abroad need to accept that most people are not going to come. Don't go. Say you simply can't afford it. If she can't understand that then she truly is a crap friend.

I did say further up the thread I have other close friends and I never feel like this about them. I don’t think people would describe me as suffocating.

She has never found me ‘clingy’ in the past and has always reciprocated the friendship. The only change in the dynamic is her going quiet on me, which is very recent and sudden is has become a pattern. It’s not a one off.

thankyou.

yes you are right. I have never and would never expect someone to spend thousands to come to my wedding and certainly wouldn’t base my friendship on whether they did.

i think it’s time I start taking my own advice!

thanks for your reply x

This. Above. Also

My husband tells me I’m crazy and that I should back out. He says that she’s the only friend who makes me feel like this.

Why aren't you listening to him? He's more important in your life than Amy, a friend he's heard you complain about before and from his point of view why are you dragging your family abroad to please her?

My thoughts were that you are already resenting the amount of pressure this is putting on you. If Amy turns out true to past form and you go but feel a bit of an outsider, then the friendship could be over anyway.

In a way, spending all this money you can't afford and travelling with your DS who may find it all very difficult - is like buying a continuance of a friendship in away. If you can't afford it- you shouldn't do it.

If you explain to Amy and she is a real friend - she will understand.

In Amy's defence, quick text replies are meaningless. The very fact that she's planning a wedding means she has an increased level of communication from everyone. She's also paying more attention to her DH to be. And something like a wedding may mean a sea change in relationships - which are not necessarily bad, or a sign of less affection, just that she's focusing on the things right in front of her as anyone would.
Are you actually expecting too much of her? It seems like she has disappointed you by not being overly impressed that you are making the effort and you are expecting quite a big return in attention for attending (which is fair enough) But once someone has thanked you, how long do they have to keep expressing their thanks? If she has a controlling DH to be as you say who tells her to cut people off - your future friendship may be doomed anyway.
So in the end. Listen to your DH and your bank balance and then do what is best for your family and your peace of mind. If Amy still seems important after those considerations - then go.

I think in the beginning when she first mentioned it she did sort of assume that we would be coming. We are not flush, we are just comfortable I guess, but like everyone else our bills have gone up substantially in the last 8 weeks alone and there’s not half as much spare. So when things went quiet from her and I started feeling a bit of a spare part I wondered why I was putting myself and my husband through the financial strain when the friendship is seeming to drift.

I don’t know why I haven’t seen this for myself. I need to stop prolonging this. I have called the holiday company this morning and they have explained where I stand. I won’t be losing much. It’s time for be to ‘put on my big girl pants’ so to speak.

I think the fact that I’m so worried to tell her I’m not going also says a lot. I could pick up the phone to any of my other friends and be honest with them without fear of rejection/being cut out

Wtf 😂😂😂 what are you talking about. God some people make up absolute shite on here

REally dislike the "read" function for this reason. Leaving you on read, why is that a personal insult? Why do we expect people to get back to immediately all the time? I often "leave people on read" because I read their message but am in the middle of cooking, or need to check my diary or soemthing and then forget with all the millions of other things my brain need to manage.

Anyways, I don't think what you describe is unusual. It's just life is busy and some people are better at responding/ being organised that others. That's their right. It's yours tio decide if that works for you or not, and whether you want to "invest" in the wedding. I spent £1000s attending my best friend from childhood's wedding despite rarely talking to her or seeing her. It was great, a great trip abroad that we made into a holiday, and great catching up with her.

Absolutely this. Many years ago I turned down a very good friend's wedding in Australia (this was their chosen destination - they didn't live there). Too costly, wrong time of year (winter) and what was I meant to do when they immediately flew off again on their honeymoon somewhere else? An expensive 'solo holiday in the Antipodes' did not factor in my plans or budget at the time. She was miffed, but we are still friends. So just say no.
We are often too nervous to say no for fear of being disliked, or causing offence or disappointment. But the cost of living crisis is very valid reason not to go. And anyone with half an ounce of understanding should be able to see that.

I agree. Thanks for your reply x

I did think it was a bit of a jump. Happy to take criticism and other points of view, else what’s the point in posting I guess.

I think I’ve definitely learnt a lot about myself and how much I worry. I think all I can do is what my gut tells me is right and considering the current cost of living, money needs to be prioritised and spent wisely.

thanks for your reply x

Would she spend thousands to come to YOUR wedding @33belle27?

If the answer is 'no' or 'probably not', then I don't think I'd be spending thousands to go to hers.

Other people's weddings are just that. And if the friendship has cooled and is causing you anxiety is this really how you want to spend so much money? It would be one thing if it was somewhere local that wasn't costing you much, but it's not. I'd cite finances as the reason for not going, which in the current economic climate is entirely understandable and she can hardly argue with.

sorry but i agree, and you already told her you would go so bad form on your part.

Another one who wouldn't pay thousands either.

If you've made your decision you just need to get it out there. You'll feel better after afew days.

I’m all for hearing an alternative point of view.
I am confident that I’m a good friend and don’t have any trouble having great relationships with other friends.
I guess everyone expects different things from a friendship!

as for already telling her I’d go there was no way to predict our finances changing.

Completely agree. I have made my decision now and I’ve got to admit I already feel better. The thought of not having it hanging over heads financially is a relief. x

Somewhere local I’d have been there in a heartbeat, as I have done for all of my other friends weddings. I always make the effort, even if it means a night away in a hotel/babysitters.
This is a huge effort though and financially it’s just not sensible. x

I would pull back OP. Don’t contact her, let her make some effort and then decide whether you’ll go.

How is it bad form?

OP agreed to attend when the friend said the wedding was to be in the UK.

The friend has now changed that plan, & cannot expect people to shell out thousands just to accommodate her wish for an Insta-Destination wedding abroad.

There was no way of predicting she would change the goalposts & expect you to spend thousands on her either.

Glad you've reached the sensible decision OP.

I definitely don't think OP should go, but I can't see any bait and switch from the friend on destination- looks like it was always planned abroad.