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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's really hard to make friends as a adult?

87 replies

CurlyTop1980 · 22/01/2023 17:48

Just this really. I've just gone p/t after working full time for all of my adult life. My kids are now in year 7.

Alot of my social life revolved around my old job. I'm new job I haven't really made any friends yet. All my old university/school mates have all moved away. And as I used to work f/t and not really go to the school I don't have many school mum friends.

I've gone p/t ad I couldn't sustain the stress levels in my old position. But now I find I myself with loads of free time and no one to spend it with.

The only closer friend I have is suffering with long covid and can't do much. I suppose its my own fault for mot really making such an effort with people as my old job took up so.much of my time and energy.

OP posts:
marykateashley · 22/01/2023 17:52

Currently sat all alone in my house thinking exactly the same. Slightly different reasons. Been a single parent for 5 years so can't do mid week nights out (too many ND kids to use a babysitter) and at weekends everybody is doing family stuff so I don't feel I can disrupt that. It's really blinking hard and honestly just feel so lonely all the time. I have a couple of very very good friends but they both have lovely happy relationships and don't quite understand this.
Sorry I've no tips or tricks but I'll definitely take any on board when they arrive 😁

Original poster
CurlyTop1980 · 22/01/2023 17:55

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I do have a lovely DH and I arrange lots of things to do together as a family. But if I didn't do this. Literally no one would invite us anywhere. I feel worse about this as I've seen all over SM a group of mums i know have gone to an event that I was really wanting to go too and I didn't know who to ask!

OP posts:
LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 17:57

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MarmaladeCrumpets · 22/01/2023 17:58

suppose its my own fault for mot really making such an effort with people no need to blame yourself, it was situational. Also if you get lonely it will tell you all sorts of negative things about yourself and it's just not true you don't need to believe all of your thoughts.

I have recently made lots of friends through peanut. It's not just for mums with young kids. There's also bumble for making friends.

What hobbies can you do that you might people at?

Yoga? Running group? Book club? Hiking group? Crafts group? Gym? Art class?
Even if you don't make friends straight away there you'll be adding value/ enjoyment to your life so that the lack of social life won't be as difficult.

MissyB1 · 22/01/2023 17:58

I've always made friends through work, so yes it's hard if you move jobs. Hoever you can still meet up with old colleagues? I'm meeting a couple for coffee this week.

gawditswindy · 22/01/2023 17:59

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And do you have many friends, @LottoLaura? When you make 'helpful' comments like that?

sendbobs · 22/01/2023 18:02

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Nope, not me. You clearly have a very blinkered view of life.🙄🙄 There are dozens of reasons why people lose friends. And the fewer you have, the less confidence you have to make new ones.

SmileWithADimple · 22/01/2023 18:02

As you have free time now, can you think of something you'd like to get involved in that would also involve meeting new people? Eg volunteering (in a low stress role) or a hobby?

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 18:02

gawditswindy · 22/01/2023 17:59

And do you have many friends, @LottoLaura? When you make 'helpful' comments like that?

Show quote history

Several groups that have lasted, so yes.

You asked, I answered

And this isn’t something that’s only impacted you as an adult, so I’m just confused by your post title. You struggle making friends in general it seems.

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 18:03

Apologies @gawditswindy thought you were the OP

But the point still stands

Fairyliz · 22/01/2023 18:04

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Wow you sound like a charmer 🙄
I’m surprised you have any friends being so horrible

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/01/2023 18:04

You need to get out there and start meeting people. Any activity that sounds vaguely interesting, gives a chance to chat, and hopefully will have the same people coming repeatedly.

Or you could try friend dating on bumble! It feels a bit odd but a good way to find others locamly in the same situation.

modgepodge · 22/01/2023 18:10

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Strongly disagree with this. I had plenty of friends as a child but as an adult I’ve been feeling lonely recently. As a child you are (usually) sent off to school where there’s a whole pool of people your age so you’re bound to meet people you like even if you don’t have hobbies. As an adult you go to work which may have people you get on with, but unless you work for a huge company/team it’s unlikely to be as many. And some people have a thing about work colleagues not being friends (my husband is one of them and always perplexed that I socialise with colleagues beyond a quick drink after work on a Friday!)

OP the answer is to start some new hobbies to meet people. I have friends from my sport who I’ve known years and get on very well with. I recently started a new hobby locally, partly to try to make friends who live near by but it hasn’t worked very well, I think possibly as there’s quite a big age difference. It’s hard 🙁

LottoLaura · 22/01/2023 18:19

Fairyliz · 22/01/2023 18:04

Wow you sound like a charmer 🙄
I’m surprised you have any friends being so horrible

Show quote history

It’s factual, not horrible. So many grown women moan on here about having no friends, it’s actually quite sad

Original poster
CurlyTop1980 · 22/01/2023 18:21

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Ok. So in answer to this....I had loads of friends as a child and as a young adult and teenager. I'm sure you're living your best life with all your mates. I'm not really sure what your point it TBH.

OP posts:
Original poster
CurlyTop1980 · 22/01/2023 18:24

I didn't know about Bumble. I'll have a look. I do go to the gym and have been going for years but I didn't think to reach out and make friends there. I think I'm pretty friendly. The nature of my vocation means I'm really used to speaking to stranger and all different people, so I'm definitely not shy. I think it's cos I've been so consumed with my old job that time and prioritising friendships went away with me.

OP posts:
buzzy06 · 22/01/2023 18:25

It’s factual, not horrible. So many grown women moan on here about having no friends, it’s actually quite sad

It's not factual and I'm baffled as to how you have friends and someone like OP doesnt. There's always some nasty person who comes on these friends. Don't you have anything better to do- is this what someone with so many Furness and such a fulfilling life does?

BeginningToLookALotLike · 22/01/2023 18:25

It’s factual, not horrible. So many grown women moan on here about having no friends, it’s actually quite sad

So what's your advice for the OP then? Or are you just going to continue to comment from on high?

OP I do sympathise and I hope you get some good advice on here. I moved to a new area in my 40s. I joined various things and have met a lot of nice acquaintances, but they all already had their own childhood friends and families, and so the acquaintanceship (?) rarely progressed to friendship. My own friends are scattered around the country.

parietal · 22/01/2023 18:29

I agree. it is hard to make friends that go beyond being an acquaintance. I have plenty of people I know at work and hobbies that I can have a nice chat with during that activity. but outside that activity, I don't see them. And if I left the group / job, I probably wouldn't see them again.

So there is the initial step of chatting to people at hobbies etc, but then there is the extra step of arranging to meet outside that context. And that doesn't always happen easily.

I wish there were a solution because loneliness is not good for anyone, but modern life does not make these things easy.

hopeishere · 22/01/2023 18:30

Definitely. I have a bookgroup but we only see each other once a month.

I have one friend but she is really busy so it's sporadic when I see her. We have a few mutual friends and will go out 4/5 times a year.

I see my sister prob 2/3 times a month and speak to her weekly.

I was considering messaging another friend I've not see for years suggesting a coffee.

Original poster
CurlyTop1980 · 22/01/2023 18:35

I've just taken the plunge and just text a whole load of mates who have lived away and asked about meeting up and maybe staying over and seeing them 🤞

TbH friends in the past have invited me but I haven't been able to commit the time so to an extent its my fault things have lapsed.

OP posts:
MarmaladeCrumpets · 22/01/2023 18:36

@CurlyTop1980 great that you've taken the plunge!!

Leadbridge · 22/01/2023 18:48

How many different place have you lived @LottoLaura ? I'm quite surprised by your remark.

I lived in A for the first 16 years of my life (my closest friend still lives there), then moved 6 hours away to B where I lived for two years (made friends there), then 2 hours away to C (for four years - made friends there), then to D for 7 years (again, made friends there - now 3 hours from C and 3.5 hours from A) and finally to E (where I have lived for the last 20 years - which is 2.5 hours from A and the next closest is C at 6 hours away).

I found it quite hard to make friend in E initially - worked part-time but never around to socialise due to young baby. When DC started primary school I made loads of friends and was in several overlapping groups - also had more time to make friendships elsewhere. That has changed massively in the last 8 years - two good friends have emigrated to Australia, lots of people in the friendship group have moved too. I've got a lot of acquaintances/work colleagues I get on really well with but good local friends? One really and that isn't as close as it was. I've got friends from all the places I've lived (who have also moved themselves) many have just become xmas cards friends, so not really friends anymore.

My two closest friends (who I speak to on the phone regularly) live no where near me. When I think of friends I guess I think of local friends...I'm definitely lacking in those but I'm also not prepared to make the effort to find some more yet...need another big shared experience I guess. Oh and I'm very tuned into red flags...at 50 any hint of being PA, flaky etc and I'm out.

Leadbridge · 22/01/2023 18:56

That's great @CurlyTop1980 ! Hope you have fun rekindling these friendships!

Sometimes it is just hard to find new local friends you click with. One of my ex colleagues (who I stayed friends with after she retired) has lived in many different places too and, being gregarious, has always found it easy to make new friends where ever she goes...until this last move - she's moved four hours away from me and has been there two years now. She is finding it hard to make friends for the first time at 70. She puts it down to not being able to do the exercises classes she once did and now she doesn't have work either (she used to volunteer after she retired).

bluebird3 · 22/01/2023 18:59

I joined a local women's group who meet once a month. It took awhile but as I kept going I eventually made friends there. For me the key to making friends is proximity, consistency and something in common. I can be shy at first but if I see people consistently I open up and am really chatty. Friends I've made as an adult were either through work, through pregnancy/baby groups, or through this social group.