To think it's really hard to make friends as a adult?

[CurlyTop1980]

Just this really. I've just gone p/t after working full time for all of my adult life. My kids are now in year 7.

Alot of my social life revolved around my old job. I'm new job I haven't really made any friends yet. All my old university/school mates have all moved away. And as I used to work f/t and not really go to the school I don't have many school mum friends.

I've gone p/t ad I couldn't sustain the stress levels in my old position. But now I find I myself with loads of free time and no one to spend it with.

The only closer friend I have is suffering with long covid and can't do much. I suppose its my own fault for mot really making such an effort with people as my old job took up so.much of my time and energy.

I don’t think anyone is guaranteeing friendships from a club, but just suggesting that if you regularly do an activity you genuinely enjoy, then, regardless of whether any relationships emerge from it, you’ll be nourishing yourself — it’s not just wasted time. And that also, while you may not make friends at a club, you definitely won’t make any sitting at home alone.

It is a couple of things I think. Firstly as adults we have less free time to make friends and secondly our emotional energy has been sucked away by partners and children. That close emotional bond you from with school and uni friends just dries up. I have made new friends as a adult but they are more nice people to do things with (which is fine) rather than close emotional friends.

After relocating I have worked so hard to re-establish myself, but that hasn't always gone well, some friendships have turned into damp squibs. I have about 2 new friends after 9months, despite new job, schools etc. Often trying to be brave and reach out, it's tiring.

Equally though, I'm not getting much enthusiasm from friends in previous location about keeping the relationship going. When we visit, it's so often a "you can see us between 12-1, that's all we have time for" response. It's a lot of knock backs and it's hard.

As mean as the phrasing of the posts were I sort of know what @LottoLaura means.

I have lost count of the number of posts I read on here from people saying “I have no friends”.

A lot of it is situational and it definitely is much harder when you have a FT job and children etc. so I do understand in many cases.

But I also think women can be their own worst enemies sometimes in the way they shut their social life down when meeting a bloke.

For every post from someone who says they have no friends there’s a corresponding post saying: “I can’t be bothered to socialise anymore I just want to hang out with my little family” (it’s always a “little” family for some reason).

People seem to embrace the idea of shutting the world out at a certain point of their lives because they are nesting and then wake up one morning and realise they don’t get the fulfilment they need any more but they have neglected their networks and it’s too late.

This isn’t the whole story clearly but people don’t take on board sometimes that friendships and networks are things which need to be nurtured and invested in. It’s really important sometimes to keep things up, to do it even when you can’t be arsed or you are tired or whatever. It’s use it or lose it.

At that distance, and the season, maybe the film thing instead of outdoor sports. Feel free to PM me.

That’s not true for me, I must say. Absolutely it can be hard to keep putting yourself out there, but I’ve made some genuine friends of the heart in my 40s, though I think it’s more complicated in adulthood, and you can be more guarded and bruised from life experience. When I had a small but potentially frightening surgery in the autumn, the friend who picked me up from the hospital and checked in daily till I got biopsy results was someone I barely knew a year ago.

I agree with @Thepeopleversuswork’s post about women too often closing down on friendships once in a relationship/pulling up the drawbridge of the nuclear family after them. I’m a better mother, and my marriage is stronger, because I have other relationships. I also think people are missing a trick in often ruling out opposite-sex friendships. I’d be much poorer without my male friends.

I believe there is some truth in prioritising friendships. I do think this means having enough time avaliable. For me friendships slipping by the way side was due to having a extremely demanding job. Having twins at home and in thr middle of this my sister had a baby (my gorgeous niece) and going through a divorce and she was really struggling. So I took on caring for my niece at weekends which lasted for about 3 years. Until she was men better to take care of her. But I could have tried harder.

I have seen some mates since posting the initial post. I also joined Peanut and text a few people local to me but nothing came of it. Is bumble better?

@CurlyTop1980

There is absolutely no doubt it’s harder when you have kids and a job never mind caring responsibilities. Sometimes it’s literally impossible for me to get out for weeks on end and I’m a single mum so an evening drinks involves either paying for a sitter or calling in a favour. People have no idea how burdensome it can be to organise stuff.

But I do think if you have done the groundwork with friends from a more carefree time they should be happy to tolerate the periods of your life when it’s harder to get out. If you take the attitude of “I don’t need friends because I have a partner and children,” (as I have seen on here) you are shoring up problems for the future. Minor gestures, occasional drinks meets even once or twice a year are enough to remind someone you still value them and these go a long way towards the support you might need in the future.

That's a really nice way of viewing it! I may even take the plunge and suggest a local mums meet up. I usually just wait to be invited..... 😬

Why don't you join some classes there's so many to choose from: cooking, yoga, cake decorating, I've even seen "naked painting". That's a nice way to meet people who already have something in common with you.

The community centre also offers classes for free or cheap and some other charities and organisations.
Some communities programs organise trips and picnics. If you are feeling lonely there are places to reach out.

Its worse if you are single with no kids as your peers are too busy with their kids and partners and don't feel as though they are on the same level maturity wise as they have achieved more personally and are more 'grown up' than the likes of me. Not to mention the whole pitying thing they do.

I could have wrote the exact same post , I feel as if I’m in the exact same position as you . I think it’s so hard as an adult to make new friends . X