To think it's really hard to make friends as a adult?

[CurlyTop1980]

Just this really. I've just gone p/t after working full time for all of my adult life. My kids are now in year 7.

Alot of my social life revolved around my old job. I'm new job I haven't really made any friends yet. All my old university/school mates have all moved away. And as I used to work f/t and not really go to the school I don't have many school mum friends.

I've gone p/t ad I couldn't sustain the stress levels in my old position. But now I find I myself with loads of free time and no one to spend it with.

The only closer friend I have is suffering with long covid and can't do much. I suppose its my own fault for mot really making such an effort with people as my old job took up so.much of my time and energy.

It is really hard especially when you are not a parent of young kids. Because that's an easy way to make friends.
I just don't fit in as not a parent and not a extroverted carefree single who is always doing something fun.
I am an outlier for a late thirty something.

Are you warm, open and vulnerable with people? I think lots of people can be nice and friendly and pleasant, but they dont put much actual substance to their interactions, so hard to get to know. Do you feel like youre being yourself?

I think you get less resilient to life's knock backs as an adult. Kids just move on and forget. Adults hang onto things.

Thanks. Not sure if Secondary Schools have PTA's?

Love that Morris Dancing!!! I do feel a lot better about this now. I've also made myself have a realistic check that FOMO on social media is ridiculous.

Finding friends is tricky. And keeping them, that they want the same level of friendship as you, is hard. But can be done. Get out there and meet people. Is there anything at school? Secondary changes things, but you might meet a nice mum with a dd the sage age as you.

My friends vary. School, Uni, post natal, primary, football, camping. I have met lots of nice people through ds1&2 playing football, but only 2 became good friends.

Secondary you rarely see any other parents. But I was asked to go to a meeting last month to discuss year 9 objectives, that was nice. There are opportunities.

I always went to evening classes before I had dd, and actually for some time after too. Makes it much easier to meet people whoa re inetersted in something you're interested in too.

This,imho, is so common for women
if you move around with jobs, don’t live in an area or even same part of country very long, move away from childhood place etc friendships go through cycles for a lot of people

1. school friends- most kids have no hang ups on asking “ shall we be friends”
2. young free childless working- friendships develop through work and your old school and uni friends
3. youngish parent and preschool - friendship in community through mums and toddlers, nursery, primary school etc . Older friendships drop away as you can’t get a full set sentence out without a kid interrupting and it’s very child focused.
4. Older kids/secondary school kids- work picks up even more intensely, our friends from when the kids were young disperse to different secondary schools, we perimenopausal, taxi drivers, coaches and care givers and knackered. We pass other lonely people like ships in the night
5. kids leave home- start to rekindle old friendships a bit and make a little effort with colleagues- but are held back from asking “ will you be my friend” from the perception that everyone else has great social lives
6. Retirement - have time to spend on hobbies. Serious amount of time. Time for volunteering, and this provides a new way to naturally make friends. Leer people more open to saying they need friends and verbally asking for “ friendships” and using the term friend to each other more readily

im a stage 6 in my last 2 years. I’ve gone from a “ Billy with no mates” to a lady who lunches, has a full social calendar each month. I’m an introvert so have had to push myself to join things , but it is an eye opener how much at my age ( retired early 60s) people are open and up for forming new friendships and Are appreciative of gaining a new friend . I almost exclusively seek out female friendships and most things I go to are all women anyway. I love listening to womens stories, all the impressive things they’ve done, all sorts of backgrounds, yet all have the same thing in common we’ve met through ..

please don’t despair if you’re at stage 4 and 5. Hobbies are a great way if you have time. Certainly try to nuture a few friendships but aim for quality not quantity. But reassure yourselves it will get better when work becomes less dominant ing and time consuming

newlifestartingatlast that's a lovely post. ⭐️

Good for you, OP!

I have made a lot of new friends in the past 2-3 years. I started going to an exercise class rather than just the gym/pool and struck up friendships through that.

I went to a local WI and a local women's group and got to know interesting people there. I did some volunteering and met a great group of people.

The trick is putting yourself in situations where you see the same faces regularly and there's a chance for conversation. After the exercise classes we all go for a coffee and a chat, it's great.

My enduring friendships, I've met through clubs/ activities, but that becomes difficult when family commitments take over/ you're not avaliable in the traditional social time zones of the evening or weekends. Add in factors like a neurodiverse child and it makes it difficult to retain and establish friendships. Friends are also finding that now elderly parents have aged rapidly since 2020 and that also puts pressure on their avaliable time and social bandwidth. Most are getting into the prime of their careers as childcare needs stabilise.

Having school age children (so often being in later 30s/ 40s) can really limit social avaliability, or even for other women in this age group, just make social opportunities with peers scarce.

I do things, I have aquaintances, but at the end of the session, it's like a mass of Cinderellas dashing off before midnight and independent friendships don't develop. A lot of the time I do things solo because of having to tag team around DH and a lack of groups for my interests from 9:30- 14:30.

I'm hoping it picks up in a few years when childcare/ mum-taxi is less of an issue, not just for me, but peers on that life stage.

I have lots of acquaintances and had some lovely friends from school and uni but we just lost touch. I did get a message from a friend who was like a sister growing up but she was quite cold in the recent message, I didn't take offence and just moved on. Life happens. We juggle long hours and parenting, so even if I wanted to have meet ups, I would not ask acquaintances since we are all busy.
I did go to a coffee shop recently and some lovely mums asked if I was the person hosting the coffee morning and when they realised I wasn't, they invited me still. I smiled and thanked them but said I'd sit quietly (I didn't want to step on their toes and I was happy enough).
I honestly think it's harder, when you leave school/work/uni, to make new friends. I don't feel sad or embarrassed about it. As I get older I will find more time possibly and build from there. I do think you have to put a lot of effort in and I haven't really been doing that. Before children I always had the time and energy to be the one "making the effort."

Team sports are your friend here ladies, ideally with some kind of clubhouse/social venue for after sports drinkies. You’ll be overwhelmed with friends!

Good effort, OP. Honestly, making friends is like a muscle you get better at using by exercising it. (I’ve moved around internationally a lot, and landed in this country just before Covid, which wasn’t great.) I’m not really a joiner. I’ve made friends in all kinds of odd situations — my most unexpected recent friendship is with someone a mother of a child in DS’s class was just separating from when DS first started at the school. She left, and their son now goes to another school, and we lost touch, but I now go hillwalking with her ex, and he’s become a good friend. I also met someone in an art gallery and she invited me to a dinner party.

How do people find out about these groups? I'd love to join a book club but google hasn't shown anything locally and I have no idea where to start. I'd try most things but no idea how to find them.

Try asking in local bookshops or libraries.

Have you got any community spaces nearby? We have posters for some things in pubs, library etc. Or you could ask on your local Facebook group.

Annoyingly one of the easiest ways is word of mouth, which is trickier if you don't already have a network of local friends. But once you get out and start meeting people in one context, you hear about other things, and it snowballs.

Great posts

I've just found out their is a netball flexi league locally. They train on Wed night. But annoyingly this clashes with the kids activities. One of my daughters plays football an academy and some of the mums used to play too. They have invited me in the past to join their footie flexi league too. I also played when at university. So these are two options as well.

Bumping this thread.
The problem with joining hobbies that you aren't going to be any good at. As not everyone will get beyond absolute beginner. Which is fine.
But the issue is a lot of the people there are going to be more into the hobby than you and or retired and just not your type.
I can guarantee if I go to a class I won't actually make a good friend.

Not everyone can immediately think of a new interest that they will enjoy. Its more a chore or bit boring.

I like tennis but there isn't such a thing as adult beginners near me that isn't on a weekday morning. And chances are they will all be 60s and 70s. Not saying that's a major issue. But I'm quite a but younger.
Also I enjoy films but no film clubs.. I guess I'll just have to go alone. Boo.

Are you in London? I have been interested in both of those things and would love to begin.

The thing with clubs as well is that many friendships have already formed and so it's not just as simple as 'join a club and you are guaranteed to make friends '. I was made to feel quite unwelcome at a dance class once because they all knew each other and so were friends already.

Cool, Not London, Kent. Not too far though.