Slightly miffed at In-Laws buying us food.

[Christmasbeach]

MIL has always bought DP and his brother food since they both moved out. BIL stopped MIL years ago (apart from when she offers him steak/high end meat) but DP still accepts the occasional bag when she's insistent. DP does try to reject these bags but sometimes she'll sneak them into his back seat etc.

I joke with DP that she's playing ready steady cook with us as it's always bizarre items that she's found a good deal on. Usually it's a bag of biscuits/cakes/bread/microwavable rice/crisps with the occasional newly released burgers/seasoned meat. I've always found it slightly bizarre that two men in their thirties are treated like uni students but i've heard that other mums do the same. A lot of the bag of food is cupboard things that DP usually just takes to work for a free home if he's not interested in and if we're given meat he'll have it for lunch.

Now the bit i'm feeling a bit miffed at, if not slightly offended, is that since we've announced that we're pregnant she's been sending food for us both. By that we've received a lot more meat/things for meals but it's all asda essentials. Asda essential sausages, chicken thighs (the original packaging was damaged therefore she put them in a freezer bag for us), wafer ham, ready made mash potato etc.

She quite often makes digs that i'm too much of a health freak (because i've ordered pasta/vegetarian meals out) and 'she ate everything while pregnant'. She knows that I do care what goes into my body, I'm not a huge meat eater and I enjoy cooking. We really do not need hand outs as we're both on good salaries and buying us all this Asda Essentials has only came about after we've announced we're pregnant.

It's also very inconvenient too as we meal plan/do the weekly shop therefore we're either left eating a meal we don't particularly want to eat or unfortunately it goes to waste. I have tried being polite to MIL that either we don't have room in our fridge/freezer or we're not going straight home/there isn't any need as we do our own shops.

MIL has now made a comment to DP that i'm not appreciative. AIBU that as a pregnant professional I'm not exactly jumping for joy at the lowest end chicken thighs in a non labelled freezer bag that needed to be eaten that day?

But why is it because they're male? Are they less capable of planning meals or cooking than women? No. Whether sons or daughters, they are adults who can buy their own food. The only exception is if they are struggling Dina or have actually asked for help!

dont worry now
this story will be picked up and broadcast and your MIL will know!

@pigwood

”Her heart is clearly in the right place , I would see it as a fun challenge as to what you can make with it !”

your idea of fun is soooooo different to mine

I would feel exactly the same as you, I wouldn't want processed wafer ham or microwavable rice as I too like to cook from scratch.
MIL thinks she's being helpful and has got into a habit - you need a proper chat with her and your husband explaining where the food she buys ends up (his office/unused etc).
For those saying you're ungrateful that's rubbish- it's items that you don't want, won't use plus have to store. It's a nuisance. For those saying take it to a food bank, why should you have the extra hassle when you're working and now pregnant (congratulations).
Explain to her it's a lovely thought but gets wasted every week so why doesn't she donate directly to a food bank?
She's also quite rude about your food choices. It will only get worse if not stopped now, with her eventually giving your child processed, cheap food.

@ssd

why would you want to give them a bag of food every week? Are they not a capable of buying and cooking their own food?

Get your DP to tell her to stop it, in the nicest way he knows how. But do it now, otherwise this behaviour will get 10x worse after the baby is born. Wait for her to start showing up with more baby clothes than your child could ever wear ...

You don't need to be taking on the extra work of redirecting all MiL's purchases to someone that can use them.

Maybe it's me, and it probably is, but post likes this reiterates just how difficult it is to do a nice gesture for someone without them seeing it in the worst possible light. The woman probably thinks she's helping you out I'm sure if she read this post she's be mortified and hurt. Whilst I don't know her, I'm sure that's not her intention. If you don't need/ want it donate it to a food bank- they're crying out for donations.

Just take it and donate to a food bank. She's happy, you're happy, food banks happy.

Pointless comment. Maybe Op can get her MIL to redirect the food to a food bank or something. Not that they would take unlabelled chicken in a plastic bag.

Why would you want to waste the food you have bought that you want to eat to make stuff with ingredients you don’t want to eat

cook the meat and let your dh take it to eat at work

Your dh really needs to tell her to stop as it's wasteful. The odd packet of biscuits as a treat is a bit different to bombarding you with low quality tat which you neither need nor like. Is it just what's left in her fridge at the end of the week or is she actually selecting this stuff?

I'd be annoyed too. YANBU. They sound mental and controlling. Explain gently you like to puck your own food.

My MIL always brought her own food to ours when they came to stay. I invited them for a birthday lunch once, and had spent a lot of time and effort cooking. They were ridiculously late (and didn't notify us they were going to be) and stopped at a motorway service station for pre packed sandwiches which they then ate at the table while I served everyone else the food I prepared! Funnily enough I didn't feel grateful that they had saved me money by bringing their own food!!

Very harsh OP, I understand to an extent regarding the meat. I’m always fussy about meat but cupboard essentials are all good. It’s not about treating her sons as uni students, it’s called being kind. I’m 31, a professional on a good salary and my grandmother on a pension still insists on giving us a bag of our favourite cupboard stuff every time we travel to see her. I accept because I know she won’t eat it. Just smile and be grateful!

I don’t think a food bank could use that and why should OP become a delivery service for MIL’s cast offs?

I would thank her but say you never know what you’ll be craving/will turn your stomach so would happily accept vouchers instead if she really wants to contribute (though no need).

You dont sound spoilt and ignore the rude comments. You are posting on Mumsnet because you are not rude and have both politely tried to tell your MIL and now not sure what to do.

Now is the time you need to sit her down and tell her to STOP. My parents/in laws haven’t bought food for us since we moved in together 20 years ago! Yes the occasional leftovers from Sunday roasts/surplus Xmas food (that would go to waste otherwise), but grown adults (not struggling with money) do not need Mummy doing the food shop for them. Or Mummy telling them what yo eat. It sounds more like control than anything else and its great you are thinking of heakthy eating whilst pregnant.

Its your Husbands job to sit her down and tell her NO!

She does not, she doesn’t want or need it.

OP I would invent some intolerance to soften the blow, and get your DP to tell his mum that you both appreciate the gesture, but you have to be careful about what you eat due to some ‘intolerances’, so please don’t bring around any more food as it’s such a waste.

She might sulk for a bit but needs telling. He needs to pull himself together and tell her.

My Dad adored bringing round cut price bakery goods, so you aren’t the only one.

You can’t donate fresh meat to a food bank.

Red Tractor is not equivalent to free range - it doesn't even require straw bedding for pigs reared lifelong indoors (unless the standards have changed recently).

If someone chooses to eat high welfare/outdoor reared once a week instead of intensively farmed meat every day then its not "snobby" to refuse the more intensively farmed meat - its an ethical choice which is being overridden by someone who has made different choices.

Because she is trying to decide what they eat each week and not treating them as grown adults capable of doing the food shop themselves. Also if someone already told her not to do it and she continues, then its about control and not a nice gesture.

She needs to treat them as grown adults and perhaps use her spare money (which she obviously has!) to donate to the food bank.

Yes it is irritating. But not life threatening. Olio it. Lots of people will welcome it.

My MIL did something similar. In the end I just had to acknowledge her heart was in the right place and she was giving us what she could afford. We used some of it. Gave some away.

You could also ask her if she would prefer to put the money aside for the baby? Or use it to buy vouchers for baby essentials? Maybe offering an alternative would work as an interim solution?

As you are both pregnant she will be trying to ensure her son stays healthy surely?
If you were the only one carrying a child then both of you need food.

OP its common for parents to do this - my parents and in-laws would always be offering "something to take home", veg from gardens, pickles etc they had made. The difference is they offered or came with items which they knew we used but might not buy (DM was incapable of going anywhere empty handed).

I always sent my student children back with a bagful and it took me a while to remember they don't need it any more!

The problem is not the offer, its the waste and the dumping - your DH needs to sort this out and either suggest items she can bring that would actually be appreciated or simply tell her its going to waste. Then leave it to her.

If the DH wants to take it to work, maybe he can cook it?