Dh threw milk at me

[Namechangingoverspilledmilk]

Name change because this is embarrassing and scary.
My DH and I had a disagreement over who was sleeping on sofa bed- it should be my turn tonight but he wanted to stay up late and game. I said I would go upstairs but also wanted to keep my expected day of Sunday for the nice bed. We no longer share a bed atm because We both snore horribly and I am a terrible light sleeper. Throw a 1yo into mix who sometimes likes to wake in night or early hours and it works best for everyone to do what we need to get a good night's sleep. Anyway when I said well I guess but I want to keep Sunday night too as it isn't me who wants to stay up late and change the pattern of who is going where he got really cross. He was on his way up to feed the baby and our disagreement carried from living room into kitchen. He was pouring milk into the bottle and I broke off what I was saying to point out he had poured too much as we are trying to wean baby off of this night bottle by reducing milk amount slowly. He then really angrily tipped it down sink instead of back into milk carton which I thought was wasteful- we aren't exactly flush with cash atm. He then had tipped too much out so he stomped back to fridge got milk out, slopped more into bottle spilling everywhere. The disagreement was still continuing and I said I thought he was being unreasonable. He then sloshed milk out of the plastic carton towards me- it splashed all over the floor, nearly caught the washing I have hanging up drying and went a bit on my work laptop case. He also made a horrible comment about my mental health- saying it was already shit, in response to me reminding him why we weren't just sharing a bed because of snoring and my MH goes down pan quickly on little sleep.
I was so gobsmacked by what he'd done. I said nothing. He got the mop straight out and started clearing it up and said nothing to me. He went to feed baby and I just went to bedroom whilst he did that. I'm really upset- by the mental health comment but also by the milk throwing. It was meant for me. It was a total moment of loss of control of his anger. This is first time he's done something this intimidating but isn't first time he's just lost his temper in an argument- usually it's verbally and he has previously told me to fuck off and called me a bitch. Those incidents have probably happened 4 or 5 times- a few times in front of our eldest. We've been married nearly 6 years and together for 9 for context.
I'm lying here feeling sick. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I know that what just happened isn't right and that serious domestic violence doesn't always start with significant incidents initially it can start with small things like this. I now can't stop thinking about that and my anxiety is sky high worried he might still be angry and come in the room and strangle me or something and then what will happen to my kids. This is absolutely not rational but anxiety isn't and I'm trying to talk myself down. Aibu to be so upset by this incident?

You didn't do anything wrong. You're entitled to remind him about how much milk to give the baby.

He's emotionally abusing you and there's never any excuse for swearing and calling you names at all let alone in front of your child.

I would have been annoyed if DH had done what you had tbh, but by the sound of it the way he speaks to you is unacceptable. The sleeping arrangement evidently isn't working and it sounds like you're both tired and have a lack of respect for eachother. You need to communicate

This. Sounds a stressful situation you're living in.

What sort of milk is baby getting -you say it was pour back into carton - so sounds like cow's milk - not baby milk?

No it's not ok to throw milk at someone.
I remember a different thread months ago where OP had got angry and threw some water at her husband and people were frothing at the mouth, calling her an abuser and saying he should have called the police.
I hope you're ok OP. It reminds me of the nasty things my stepfather used to do, which did escalate into serious violence.

I agree with this.

It takes a lot of will power for me to walk away from an argument, if my DH followed me or tried to keep the argument going in anyway then on his head be it! Luckily my DH knows how hard I work at my deep breathing etc to be able to walk away and would never dream of coming after me.

Leave your husband alone when he shows the strength to walk away and stop micro-nagging him.

Not in the slightest.

No. Mine had milk from the fridge at that age .

Young, healthy people shouldn't have chronic snoring issues!That needs sorting out a priority so you can share the bed. Sleeping separately isn't good for a loving relationship in my view.

There's nothing wrong with baby drinking lots of milk before bed. It can help them sleep through.

His swearing t you is totally out of order.

Maybe you both need a mental health boost, it's not unreasonable to suggest that.

Meanwhile zero milk actually landed on OP, which is would have done if he had wanted to throw milk at her. Not saying what he did was acceptable, but there's quite a stark difference really.

No ones saying its right, just that it's understandable . And yes, being a nagging, controlling wife/husband is also abuse.

Formula in a carton. We still use that for our 2 year old!

This is exactly what I was trying to say last night but in a less eloquent way. At last someone with sense

If him throwing milk at you had you genuinely fearing for your life, then you have huge problems in your marriage. You need to talk calmly today or end things.

If my husband threw some milk at me during a tired irritable argument, it would feel highly unpleasant and out of character. I would definitely be bringing it up later and saying how it made me feel. But I would not ever think that the next step would be strangulation.

Yes cows milk as baby just turned 1. So we get one of those big 6 pint ones of whole milk to last the week .

Snoring isn't the only issue- I am a very light sleeper and once woken struggle to get back to sleep if someone else is in bed with me. I've always been this way. I spent most of my early 20s when I had partners self medicating with alcohol to try and get a good night sleep whilst bed sharing. Or night nurse or drowsy anti histamine. I made the decision I couldn't do that forever and with kids good quality sleep is very precious and this is the only way I get it. I know other couples who also choose to sleep apart in order to get good sleep. Before second baby came along we had a spare double bed and didn't need to use sofa bed.

@FarFromObvious I think I did put in my OP that the incident had triggered my anxiety hugely and I knew that fear wasn't rational but it still was very much a persistent anxious thought I had after the event.

Not the point but you can get formula in 1 litre cartons. Wouldn’t advise pouring back once it’s been poured into another container tho (maybe for toddlers isn’t a problem)

I think this is a rather important issue for you to take advice of people on a forum. You don't know the demographics of people commenting here and you might be highly influenced and impacted mentally.

Anxiety is a very difficult thing to manage. It changes your whole perspective on things and doesn't let you think clearly. Please seek professional help - there are even free or low-cost services. And don't believe everything you see on the internet. There's a lot of misleading or inaccurate content around mental health, especially on social media. That's not education. Don't let it influence you.

Always remember that your feelings are valid. Don't let anyone disregard them and make you feel like you're 'crazy, overreacting' etc. But work through your feelings instead.

I mean he's sleeping alone and every other night on an uncomfortable bed so you can get a good night's sleep- that must be quite hard tbh. Not saying he shouldn't do it, but that's a pretty big compromise.

Oh my, what a tantrum. However, why are you micromanaging the milk?

I think he should cut down on the gaming, it makes him short tempered, unreasonable, and affects sleep patterns, I have noticed this with teenagers.

Out of interest queenMab99, how much time is OPs DH gaming for?

Desertbarncat · Yesterday 23:04
Emotional and verbal abuse are abuse. Absolutely. And can very often escalate into physical abuse. He cannot control his temper, even in front of your kids, and you were intimidated by his physical actions enough to worry about your safety while sleeping. That is not unreasonable“

I grew up in an
abusive situation where my mother and I were under constant threat of extreme violence.

Both parties are accountable in this situation. OP’s partner did not throw milk at her.

They are both over tired and angry and need to work together to sort themselves out.

This kind of thing reminds me of when my partner and I used to argue a lot. I would overreact and worry about abuse, he felt unheard and would shout more to counter me shutting down. Not ok imo but neither was my behaviour a lot of the time yet I acted like the ultimate victim.

We don’t argue like that anymore. Literally what fixed it was more communication, walking away from arguments until we calmed down, not holding a grudge and understanding that he had feelings too. I had an abusive background so I worried endlessly about abuse but that lack of trust actually made our relationship worse. I’m glad ultimately I didn’t listen to the people who only took my side and told me he was abusive when my behaviour was also not ok.

Our relationship is good now and I’m glad we stuck it out. Communication, love and trust is so key.

Hi @Namechangingoverspilledmilk

Breaking down the last bit of your OP:

I don't know if I'm overreacting but I know that what just happened isn't right and that serious domestic violence doesn't always start with significant incidents initially it can start with small things like this. I now can't stop thinking about that and my anxiety is sky high worried he might still be angry and come in the room and strangle me or something and then what will happen to my kids. This is absolutely not rational but anxiety isn't and I'm trying to talk myself down. Aibu to be so upset by this incident?

1. You are overeacting to think that this incident will lead to you being killed by your partner, your anxiety has kicked in (an if it were to escalate in the future would likely protect you actually, because your flight response is easily triggered. For many living at risk of DV this does not kick in, often due to previous relationships modelling a 'it could be worse' so they stay .
2. YANBU to be upset, but you need to see it in context, both of you are knackered and you really should have just let him get on with feeding the DC, a little extra milk one night, would not wreck weaning.
3. Are you still on ML? I am, and if DS is having a bad night, DH goes into the spare room to sleep, because he needs to be on top form for work. (We both work in HE and lecturing when you are knackered is impossible. He is also sciences so needs to be vigilant in labs for safety) If you are on Mat leave YABU to expect 3 nights of unbroken sleep including Sunday, if DH is working next day.