Dh threw milk at me

[Namechangingoverspilledmilk]

Name change because this is embarrassing and scary.
My DH and I had a disagreement over who was sleeping on sofa bed- it should be my turn tonight but he wanted to stay up late and game. I said I would go upstairs but also wanted to keep my expected day of Sunday for the nice bed. We no longer share a bed atm because We both snore horribly and I am a terrible light sleeper. Throw a 1yo into mix who sometimes likes to wake in night or early hours and it works best for everyone to do what we need to get a good night's sleep. Anyway when I said well I guess but I want to keep Sunday night too as it isn't me who wants to stay up late and change the pattern of who is going where he got really cross. He was on his way up to feed the baby and our disagreement carried from living room into kitchen. He was pouring milk into the bottle and I broke off what I was saying to point out he had poured too much as we are trying to wean baby off of this night bottle by reducing milk amount slowly. He then really angrily tipped it down sink instead of back into milk carton which I thought was wasteful- we aren't exactly flush with cash atm. He then had tipped too much out so he stomped back to fridge got milk out, slopped more into bottle spilling everywhere. The disagreement was still continuing and I said I thought he was being unreasonable. He then sloshed milk out of the plastic carton towards me- it splashed all over the floor, nearly caught the washing I have hanging up drying and went a bit on my work laptop case. He also made a horrible comment about my mental health- saying it was already shit, in response to me reminding him why we weren't just sharing a bed because of snoring and my MH goes down pan quickly on little sleep.
I was so gobsmacked by what he'd done. I said nothing. He got the mop straight out and started clearing it up and said nothing to me. He went to feed baby and I just went to bedroom whilst he did that. I'm really upset- by the mental health comment but also by the milk throwing. It was meant for me. It was a total moment of loss of control of his anger. This is first time he's done something this intimidating but isn't first time he's just lost his temper in an argument- usually it's verbally and he has previously told me to fuck off and called me a bitch. Those incidents have probably happened 4 or 5 times- a few times in front of our eldest. We've been married nearly 6 years and together for 9 for context.
I'm lying here feeling sick. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I know that what just happened isn't right and that serious domestic violence doesn't always start with significant incidents initially it can start with small things like this. I now can't stop thinking about that and my anxiety is sky high worried he might still be angry and come in the room and strangle me or something and then what will happen to my kids. This is absolutely not rational but anxiety isn't and I'm trying to talk myself down. Aibu to be so upset by this incident?

And 9.30 is not staying up late to game . It’s Saturday night and he’s not a child .

I'd really be wary of encouraging this level of over reaction. Strangling her and leaving her children motherless???

@thaegumathteth I said I agree with her that 'it's not ok.'

Even OP knows it's probably OTT to be frightened of being killed off.

Fair enough I've just seen enough times that people cling on to being 'right' and ignore the fact that the rest of their reaction isn't reasonable

You need a bigger house, or a better bed in the living room, or a TV/gaming console in the bedroom. Sympathies to you both re the snoring, it’s so awful trying to get to sleep against a backdrop of snoring, although personally find that once I’m asleep no amount of snoring could wake me, it’s just the trying to nod off that’s difficult. After 9 years together, I think he’d have shown any tendency to “abuse” a lot sooner than this, don’t you?

After arguing about the bed while he was relaxing playing a game (you’re right),

you telling him you wanted it the next night (you’re right),

telling him he was being unreasonable (you’re right),

following him into the kitchen where he went to get baby bottle ready to tell him he poured too much milk (you’re right),

then told him he wasted it (you’re right)

then told him he didn’t pour enough (you’re right),

then he sloshed you with the milk which finally rendered you speechless, then he immediately cleaned up the floor, then he went to feed baby.

Do you see now what happened 😀😂

Your dh did not commit domestic or violent abuse. If you keep on and insist treating him like the enemy, he will surely become one. Meaning, you will end up hating each other. Is that what you want? You’re both tired with taking care of the little one. It’s built up frustration. Sit down with him in a quiet time and work this whole thing out about how you speak to each other when tensions are high. Remember, you’re supposed to support each other and have each other’s back and be a team. You are right but you’ve got to get him on the same page and nobody likes being harangued. Go about it in a different way. But yes, I get your frustration, I’ve been there! All of us who are married and have children have totally been where you are.

I doubt OP will come back to this thread, but ffs she's ridiculous.

OP get anxiety medication and stop complaining that your husband threw milk at you, abused you and you're scared he'll strangle you.

You sound insufferable, carrying on and micromanaging him. Don't blame him for losing his temper.

Definitely this! Snoring isn't a normal everyday healthy occurance. If you and yours are snoring to the point of disturbing each other's sleep (that one is in the bed and the other on the pull out sofa) this is a serious health problem. Please go and have a sleep study asap. I understand money is tight but in the long run it may save you both mentally, physically and financially.

I'm sorry he threw your MH issues in your face too, what a CF! What a low hit!

Ah, so if the wife is a nag it’s OK to throw milk at her – got it! This place sometimes. FFS.

You wanted to go to bed at 9:30 and he wanted to stay up later than that to game, so it made sense for you to have the bed tonight.

However, you also wanted it tomorrow night, giving you three nights in a row. This feels a bit mean and inflexible.

You then followed him around criticising the way he was preparing the milk - that's too much, you've poured the excess down the sink rather than back into the bottle, that's wasteful, we're not made of money, you're being unreasonable now.

You then remind him that you need to sleep well for your mental health, as if his mental health isn't also being impacted by all of this (young children, night feeds, snoring, sleeping on sofa, wife with MH issues).

Even on recounting the story to strangers on mn you seek to make his behaviour sound far worse than it was - he sloshed milk and now you fear he might strangle you?

The past incidents of him telling you to fuck off and calling you a bitch need context. It's impossible to know whether he was intentionally unkind or whether there was a series of events leading up to those events that make them more understandable. I have certainly told DP to fuck off in an argument.

But really I think you need to decide whether you love each other, care about each other, want to spend the rest of your lives together.

I think telling her to fuck off and calling her a bitch is abusive. Doing it in front of their child is appalling.

Posters are focusing on the OP's behaviour as though it excuses DH's abuse. I thought we had moved past that? Some behaviours just aren't ok and nothing the other person has done makes it not-abuse.

I can't tell whether he threw milk at her or was gesticulating in frustration and it splashed on her. OP feels it was on purpose but I think if he wanted to cover OP in milk he wouldn't have done it. He was holding milk and you were right there.

OP, I don't think you are in any physical danger. Splashing milk isn't going to escalate into strangulation. That's not how it goes.

You have both been unreasonable and need to learn to argue better. I think you should go to couples a counseling and get advice. Things like:

Name calling
Following when someone has walked away from an argument
Criticising about small issues and losing sight of what the fight is about

Those aren't ok. You need to be able to argue better.

Being constantly criticised is another form of abuse, do you find yourself doing that with him?

The other thing about arguing with a spouse is that you can learn a lot about things they've kept hidden. Him bringing up your MH- is he impacted by your MH at the moment? Could you do more to manage it, maybe look at more treatments or medication?

You do seem to be catastrophising in your OP. It's not realistic to think he's going to kill you, that's a very extreme way to think.

There's a lot to unpack in your OP. definitely worth a few sessions with a relationship therapist.

I agree with you that he was not throwing milk and is highly unlikely to strangle the OP in her sleep.

But HOW is she being selfish about the bed? Based on their agreement she would have the bed Sunday night, which presumably would enable her to get a good night’s sleep and feel mentally strong for the week ahead. Her DH wanted to switch tonight — not so he could work, not so he could get more sleep, not for his mental health, but so he could play video games. OP was OK with that but she didn’t want to give up Sunday night in the bed. How on earth is that selfish? I would say it was selfish of the DH to expect her to compromise her sleep the night before the workweek solely so he could indulge in a fun but meaningless activity that he could probably do any other night. Am I missing something???

The thing about the bed is arguable either way IMO.

But a healthy couple can discuss these things and disagree without it escalating like this.

Why didn't you just go up to bed as you said you would and sort Sunday night out in the morning when you would both be less tired and presumably be able to discuss that nights sleeping arrangements without it escalating as it did?

Why follow him into the kitchen?

I think you were equally if not more at fault here. I don’t know why you think you are entitled to the bed two nights on a run, you could have swapped. And then you were following him about nit picking and criticising just about everything and he got annoyed. The milk went on the floor and near the washing, so it wasn’t thrown at you at all.

I used to warm bottles for the my nieces and I planned to do the same for my own kids. It was a faff but I thought that’s just what you do. It seemed cozier that way. Then when I was pregnant the first time I took a new parent course taught by a very wise baby nurse/grandmother. She said they some babies prefer warmed milk because it is more like breast milk but plenty don’t care either way, and there is no medical reason they need it warm. When I stopped BFing I took her advice and made formula with room temperature water. All of my children slurped it up happily with no ill effects. At 12 months we gave cow’s milk straight from the fridge and they were happy with that too. And I am forever grateful to the woman who saved me years of faffing around warming bottles!

Just because something isn’t your experience doesn’t make it “weird”!!! It’s good to be open minded and not just accept that you have to do something because other people you know did it that way.

A lot of replied here are blaming OP for her dh's outburst. No different that blaming woman foe getting hit. Everyone is responsible for their emotions and actions. No one makes anyone do anything. OP's partner lost control of his emotions and at any time could have said, I cannot discuss this now. I am feeling angry. I need space.
OP, if you are truly afraid then take the kids and go. Otherwise, you both need counselling to resolve the issues before someone does something serious that can't be walked back.

Lots going on here…
He’s already angry because you’re insisting on the bed being yours 2 nights in a row (rightly or wrongly is irrelevant) then you criticise his efforts to make up a bottle for the baby….. then in anger he tips too much away which you probably moaned about, then spilt milk which you probably tutted or made comments about…. You wound him up and he threw a bit of milk in your direction and you’re now going from that to ‘he’s going to strangle you’ ….. all of this is one thing…. BUT if your husband is THAT angry, why the heck would you still allow him to feed the baby?? I’d have calmly said (at the start of his mood and before the milk incident) you carry on gaming and I’ll get this one… fed the baby and headed to bed…. It sounds a bit like you clashed over the sleeping agreements and instead of just going to bed you followed him to the kitchen and nagged about milk…. I always think of someone is going to hover over someone while they do something then you might as well do it yourself…. Rather than stand and ‘supervise and criticise’.

Id actually be more worried about the verbal abuse in front of the kids, and the comment about your mental health! If he isn’t apologetic in the morning about being so personal and hurtful I’d probably tell him he owes you one for that comment alone

You know

There's no point crying over spilt milk.

💥

Thanks for the wide variety of opinions. Head is feeling clearer after a sleep.
Just to clarify a few points:

1. I didn't intentionally follow him into kitchen. He left living room already in a huff. I sat in there for a bit pondering who was being unreasonable. Then I assumed he was upstairs by that point as no sound in kitchen. So I went into kitchen to fill my water bottle. Actually he had gone to loo and came back into kitchen as same time as I was filling bottle.
2. I didn't make any comment about the spilling of milk at any point. My only comment was - and I tried to make it non antagonistic: don't forget baby only has xyx oz now. I can see how when someone was in a bad mood that would be annoying no matter how it was delivered.
3. the throwing of milk- and it was throwing- occurred whilst he walked the few paces from kitchen sink to fridge. He had been screwing the lid onto milk carton then unscrewed it, stopped as he passed me and jerked the now open carton towards me causing lots of milk to spill all over floor. Similar to when people on crap reality TV progs swill their drink at someone.

And re cold milk- i agree, I thought v weird. But during heatwave we started giving baby bottles straight from fridge. When autumn came and weather got cooler we offered warm one again and she wouldn't drink it. Tried room temp-ish but again wasn't interested. Some babies genuinely do seem to prefer their milk ice cold.

"I think telling her to fuck off and calling her a bitch is abusive. Doing it in front of their child is appalling.

Posters are focusing on the OP's behaviour as though it excuses DH's abuse. I thought we had moved past that? Some behaviours just aren't ok and nothing the other person has done makes it not-abuse."

I've read lots of posts on here where women have snapped after being pushed and pushed, as their DP calmly watches them snap and calls it abuse. Responses have generally always said that it is possible for the person doing the pushing to be the abuser, or certainly equally at fault. Obviously, we don't know if that's the case for op. When I made my point, I felt I'd need to know the context of him telling her to fuck off before automatically calling it abusive.

"But HOW is she being selfish about the bed? Based on their agreement she would have the bed Sunday night, which presumably would enable her to get a good night’s sleep and feel mentally strong for the week ahead. Her DH wanted to switch tonight — not so he could work, not so he could get more sleep, not for his mental health, but so he could play video games."

Because op was tired and wanted to go to sleep at 9:30. I don't think it's surprising that her dp didn't want to go up to bed at 9:30 on a Saturday night, whether he's merely playing video games or doing something you'd consider more cerebral. Surely it makes sense in that situation for op to just go up to bed rather than sitting waiting for him to go to bed so that she could get on the sofa bed?

Either way, thanks for the update op. Hope you can discuss it more calmly this morning and decide on a course of action. Maybe you'd be better separating, so you can both have a proper bed every night, and spare yourselves the petty squabbles?

Because he asked? She could have just said no sorry I’d rather stick to the arrangements we have rather than try and take the piss and get the bed for 3 nights in a row (which it would be if they take turns).

Im sure you’d have quite a different response if it was the other way round.

Totally agree with this! It’s scary that he can’t control himself and also worrying what he could do next time.