Dh threw milk at me

[Namechangingoverspilledmilk]

Name change because this is embarrassing and scary.
My DH and I had a disagreement over who was sleeping on sofa bed- it should be my turn tonight but he wanted to stay up late and game. I said I would go upstairs but also wanted to keep my expected day of Sunday for the nice bed. We no longer share a bed atm because We both snore horribly and I am a terrible light sleeper. Throw a 1yo into mix who sometimes likes to wake in night or early hours and it works best for everyone to do what we need to get a good night's sleep. Anyway when I said well I guess but I want to keep Sunday night too as it isn't me who wants to stay up late and change the pattern of who is going where he got really cross. He was on his way up to feed the baby and our disagreement carried from living room into kitchen. He was pouring milk into the bottle and I broke off what I was saying to point out he had poured too much as we are trying to wean baby off of this night bottle by reducing milk amount slowly. He then really angrily tipped it down sink instead of back into milk carton which I thought was wasteful- we aren't exactly flush with cash atm. He then had tipped too much out so he stomped back to fridge got milk out, slopped more into bottle spilling everywhere. The disagreement was still continuing and I said I thought he was being unreasonable. He then sloshed milk out of the plastic carton towards me- it splashed all over the floor, nearly caught the washing I have hanging up drying and went a bit on my work laptop case. He also made a horrible comment about my mental health- saying it was already shit, in response to me reminding him why we weren't just sharing a bed because of snoring and my MH goes down pan quickly on little sleep.
I was so gobsmacked by what he'd done. I said nothing. He got the mop straight out and started clearing it up and said nothing to me. He went to feed baby and I just went to bedroom whilst he did that. I'm really upset- by the mental health comment but also by the milk throwing. It was meant for me. It was a total moment of loss of control of his anger. This is first time he's done something this intimidating but isn't first time he's just lost his temper in an argument- usually it's verbally and he has previously told me to fuck off and called me a bitch. Those incidents have probably happened 4 or 5 times- a few times in front of our eldest. We've been married nearly 6 years and together for 9 for context.
I'm lying here feeling sick. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I know that what just happened isn't right and that serious domestic violence doesn't always start with significant incidents initially it can start with small things like this. I now can't stop thinking about that and my anxiety is sky high worried he might still be angry and come in the room and strangle me or something and then what will happen to my kids. This is absolutely not rational but anxiety isn't and I'm trying to talk myself down. Aibu to be so upset by this incident?

This isn't domestic violence ffs

Get a grip of yourself

I think it's fair not to want to swap nights in the bed. It's not an like for like swap. Saturday night when you're home on Sunday is not the equal to Sunday night when you have to go into work in the morning.

If she says no to the swap, he would probably feel like she's stopping him from having his leisure activity on the only night he can really stay up, assuming work on Monday morning.

But if it's more important to her to have the Sunday night in bed, she loses out from the swap. He gets both the leisure time and the restful Sunday night. She gets the night that's less useful to her and the less restful night on the Sunday.

So yeah, he shouldn't ask for the swap.

If he scared you, OP, don't be convinced to dismiss it by the reactions here - we weren't there. Listen to your gut about where your relationship is.

Exactly.

This.

His behaviour is escalating and you are nervous.

You need to speak to him about what is acceptable.

But also your GP for support.

Ring Women's aid for a listening ear too.

Maybe, but OP doesn't say anything about that reasoning. She says she shouldn't have to change the schedule. Which really is a non issue and she just wants the extra night to his detriment. I can't imagine wanting to "win" and watch my partner "lose". You are supposed to support each other.

Yep

You posted this thread at 21.39 so sounds like you were saying landing in going to bed quite early.

Surely, if you’re sleeping on the sofa, you can’t expect another adult to not use the livingroom from a pretty early hour on a Saturday evening?

God you sound a bit dramatic OP. Really, I know what sleep deprivation can be like but you're blowing this hugely, massively, out of proportion.

Tbh it would've been nice if you'd agreed to swap nights even though you don't have to. Maybe he's fed up of it all too, that's ok. People are allowed to be pissed off with things especially when they're shattered. And yes he's staying up gaming but I know sometimes I've stayed up later than I should just go get some time alone.

The mental health comment wasn't nice and he shouldn't have said it but you mentioning it wasn't really relevant either was it? He wasn't taking a night off you in the nice bed?

I think you were both a bit in the wrong but unless there's some huge huge backstory (not swearing a couple of times) then alluding to serious domestic violence being the next step is ridiculous and a bit insulting tbh.

Has he agreed beauase he wants to though, or because he feels he has to becuase it's "for OP's MH"? Because it seems like it could easily be a case of he wants to share a bed with his wife as usual, and therefore be able to use his own lounge and games of a night and then go to bed. Doesn't seem unreasonable. But because he knows that's not a choice he's tried to compromise and offered to swap nights. But OP doesn't want to swap becuase "they agreed", so wants to have three nights in a row (she presumably had Friday night too if tonight was his night) because she thinks allowing him to use the lounge space as a lounge instead of a bedroom is somehow a big compromise from her. When actually it's her who's wanting this arrangement.
When DH has understandably become annoyed that she thinks she should be able to commandeer the lounge space as a bedroom for herself half the week, and make him sleep in there half the week himself, and won't even agree to swap nights so he can enjoy his weekend and still have his "turn" in his own bed OP has then started following him about the house as he tries to prepare a bottle for their child (so is doing something useful) she's started micromanaging him to the point he's snapped and started sloshing milk about in his tiredness and annoyance. So not exactly good behaviour but hardly worthy of such drama as "throwing milk at me" and "he might strangle me in bed.... he was so intimidating".
This arrangement obviously isn't working. The name calling is wrong obviously, but given the dramatics and controlling behaviour in this post there'd need to be more information on what had led to that (though the "bitch" comment would be hard to find a "reasonable" excuse for, granted). It sounds altogether that OP needs to fond a way to work on her own problems, with reasoned support from her DH, and they both need to look at how they can manage their snoring or attempt to find treatments.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it, from your own description OP you were following him around criticising everything he was doing.

You need to think about your marriage as at the moment you sound more like enemies than partners.

please catch a grip OP 🤦‍♀️

Talk about blowing things out of proportion.

Really sorry but this arrangement is not sustainable. You both need to sit down and have a talk about where this going. Think you are over thinking things and need to grow up and talk like adults

Because the majority of us have a reasonable amount of brain cells

Yes very good point. What time do you expect to have sole use of the living room for sleeping from OP? Because quite honestly if my dh expected me to go to bed at 930 or I'd lose my night in a nice bed if find that controlling and really mean.

It sounds like he's utterly fed up with you and your shit to be honest. I'm sure he sometimes wonders what he's living for.

I've lost my temper and occasionally launched inanimate objects off into space when my partner was really pissing me off before. I'm obviously not proud of it, but if you're already stressed about the relationship, short on sleep and also being nagged at for something inconsequential it really doesn't take much.

The whole situation is far from ideal (particularly as it sounds like the separate beds is not his choice) but I do agree that if he wants to stay up and game, he's the one who's changing the schedule at the last minute for something that he wants to do so it's only fair that he compromise and do two nights in a row on the sofa bed.

It sounds like you both need to talk about your feelings with clear heads and do some work on sorting out the snoring issue, or plan a move to a bigger place with an extra bedroom. It isn't sustainable to have one person sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa bed every night for the foreseeable future, especially not as it's clearly causing stress on both sides.

You both sound as bad as each other. You need a better solution, buy a single bed on a Buy Now Pay in 12 months or whatever to spread the cost if necessary. Both get a good night sleep and when DC is old enough give it to him. With a hood night's sleep you'll both get on with each other better.

If there's no room for a single bed then try both being in the good bed with ear plugs etc on or go to the GP to solve the sleep issues.

You've massively overplayed that - it's not domestic violence in the slightest. You were keeping on and micro managing and nagging and he quite understandably got annoyed.

I mean I hate to say it but you could clearly see he was escalating. If he was upset enough that he couldn’t pour the milk properly because he can’t think straight enough to process what he’s trying to get done and then you start to correct every little detail not giving him enough time to manage his emotions what did you expect to happen? You saw he over poured and then spilled but you continued to nag at him not giving him time to calm himself down. While he’s done thing’s wrong in the past and is clearly not an angel it seems neither are you. And now you are making him into a monster in your head. You both need counseling or some sort of mental health assistance.

Giving cold milk straight out of the fridge to a baby/1 year old child...?
That's a bit weird..isn't it?

I wonder what this would look like of the sexes were reversed?

My husband and I sleep apart due to both of us snoring. Tonight, it was his turn to sleep on the sofa. He wanted to go to bed at 9.30pm but I was watching tv and didn’t want to leave to go upstairs to bed. I offered to take the sofa tonight but he said, if I did that, I’d have to have it as well tomorrow night.

I then went to prepare the baby’s bottle. My husband nagged me about pouring too much milk. I poured the excess down the sink and this obviously bothered him. I then realised that I had poured out too much so went to get more from the fridge, all the time feeling I was being watched and micromanaged…”

I think how you've written it makes it sound less serious than it would if someone had written it differently @Namechangingoverspilledmilk . Like 'sploshed' vs 'threw' etc.

As it's not a one of incident then I agree with you, it's more than not ok. x

Honestly based on the title I thought she was going to say he threw the entire gallon of milk at her.

I'd really be wary of encouraging this level of over reaction. Strangling her and leaving her children motherless???

You followed him around the house whinging at him. He got annoyed. You say he’s sworn at you. Have you sworn at him too?

First off, if you both 'snore terribly' have you (both) seen a GP for a referral for a sleep study for sleep apnoea? My DH sounded like a jumbo jet on takeoff, but after his diagnosis and Rx for a CPAP, the snoring has stopped. He also says it improved the quality of his sleep massively and he no longer wakes up tired. And I get a good night's sleep in our bed. It will change your (and his) life.

This thing of 'who gets the bed and when' is sort of petty, but honestly having lived with a snorer for 20 years before his CPAP, I can understand the need for separate sleeping areas. But if you have to negotiate 'changes to routine' or 'special requests' this needs to be done calmly during the daytime, not right before bed, and NOT during an argument. You both need to propose what you feel is 'fair' then negotiate from there. I think I'd be more 'the one making a special request forfeits their night' rather than having the routine be 'reset' every time someone wants TV time or an extra night in the bed due to illness or whatever.

As far as this particular argument goes, sounds as if you didn't know when to leave it. When he got up to fix your baby's milk you followed him and continued the argument. Then, when you were both still arguing, you started criticizing the way he was fixing your baby's bottle. This added petrol to his already smouldering flame. His splashing the milk was stupid, but you were in no danger. One of the main things any good counselor will tell you is when your partner walks away during an argument, let them. Never follow. It gives both of you space to decompress and then hopefully you can continue the discussion calmly.

His swearing, name calling, and the MH comment, especially if made in the presence of your children, are a separate issue that HE needs to address. And if he values his marriage he will address them. If he refuses or 'doesn't see the need' that's a whole other issue and a decision for you to make as far as whether or not you want to continue the marriage.