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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Place is a mess after my lie in

83 replies

Faradalla · 21/01/2023 12:55

My husband is great, does his share of housework normally, works hard, great with our 3 small kids etc. He needs a lot more rest than I do, and I can cope on less sleep. He is pretty useless when he is tired so it's in everyone's interests that we play to our strengths, he rests when he needs to, I get on with things until I feel I need a rest and then I make sure I get it by that stage.

When I get up, I see to the kids and normally stick something on Netflix for them to watch while I do breakfast, tidy the kitchen, do some jobs etc. The place is nice and quiet so my husband gets a good sleep and he gets up to a reasonable tidy and calm atmosphere. TV goes off and we get ready for the day.

When my husband lets me have a lie in, I know that it really takes it out of him to get up but he does it anyway. He doesn't make a big song and dance about it but I know he is tired. He doesn't 'believe' in putting the TV on for kids on Saturday/sunday morning (isn't against screen time in general) as he would rather they craft, play with their toys, read etc. The kids then get on with absolutely trashing the living room loudly. When I get up the atmosphere is noisy, boisterous and there is stuff everywhere. The kitchen is normally covered in stuff from breakfast time, surfaces not cleaned and plates on the counters. My husband will be sitting there half dozing, doing work on his laptop or watching TV himself. He always goes straight back to bed when I get up so I am left with cleaning up the mess. it undoes the rest I get.

My husband is stretching himself to get up with the kids, I know this. He is normally exhausted after the week in work and I know its a lot for him to get up. I only ever have a lie in when I genuinely feel exhausted, like I did this morning.
I couldn't actually get back to sleep because I knew what a mess the place would be in so I got up after 30 minutes and it was as I expected.

AIBU in thinking he should be tidying or at least keeping things calm and quiet while I'm lying down or should I just sick it up and be glad of the rest?

OP posts:
coralgeo · 21/01/2023 12:59

Yanbu.

Does he have a medical condition that causes him to feel so tired?

Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 13:02

No but I've told him to get his bloods done. He suffers from insomnia though which leaves him v tired in the mornings. He can't fall asleep at night whereas I can, though I'm up with our baby a lot and he isn't.

OP posts:
Skulldrudgery · 21/01/2023 13:11

Go out with the kids and leave the shit tip for him to sort when he gets up

Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 13:12

Skulldrudgery · 21/01/2023 13:11

Go out with the kids and leave the shit tip for him to sort when he gets up

That's a good idea!!!

OP posts:
ReamsOfCheese · 21/01/2023 13:13

I think YABU, he's choosing to parent the kids in that time, you're choosing to stick them in front of the TV while you prioritise cleaning. You say he's good the rest of the time. You just have different parenting styles.

ReamsOfCheese · 21/01/2023 13:15

Sorry I missed this bit:
My husband will be sitting there half dozing, doing work on his laptop or watching TV himself. He always goes straight back to bed when I get up so I am left with cleaning up the mess. it undoes the rest I get.
YANBU. If he was playing with them it would be different but as you say he isn't, he should be keeping on top of the tidying.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 21/01/2023 13:21

If he doesn't want the kids to be on their screens whilst he's "watching" them, then he should be setting an example by not being on his screen either.

If he was pro-actively parenting during his time with them, I'd get it, but he's lazing around and letting them cause mayhem and destruction which you then have to clean up as well as watching the kids whilst he goes back to bed.

He has trained you to feel this is acceptable; it's really not.

How about you agree that on your (very rare) lay-ins, he takes the kids out of the house. They can burn off energy in the park, you get a quiet house to sleep in and a tidy one to wake up to.

He can then come back and go to bed whilst you pop the kids in front of the tv and have a cuppa in the clean kitchen; everyone is a winner!

simplefree · 21/01/2023 13:22

He does not believe in screen for the kids but he believes in screen for himself hahahahahaha

I think he does on purpose OP - so you will not ask for him to wake up and do it

Unless he has chronic health issues - I think that after a night sleep - he should be able to wake up and function properly with coffee or tea and then rest some more later - especially since it does not happen all the time

deeperthanallroses · 21/01/2023 13:26

hes watching tv himself? He’s not a special man who cares so deeply about you that he forces himself out of bed to do some token parenting of his children although only when you desperately need it, and he won’t do any housework or active parenting even then- he’s just a lazy fucker. Who’s up half the night apparently but still lets you do all the getting up with the baby?
ok, so you’re married to a lazy fucker. If you’re right and he’s a good guy mostly and just a lazy fucker in the mornings because he’s tired, then how about when you’re wiped out you plan it for an afternoon and tell him to cook dinner and do a load of washing while you go to bed for a nap? Or you could do the just take the kids out when you do get up from your lie in rather than clean, but that does need a conversation about what you expect done while you’re out. If you’re going to talk to him why not say I only ask you for a lie in every <whatever> when I desperately need it. The rest of the time despite doing all the baby wakes I do all the mornign wake ups too- many women (me!!) would never do this, but you take it for granted. Even when you do the morning you just watch tv or work while when I get up I work my butt off to give you a clean calm house to wake up to. You’re awake enough to work, you’re awake enough to clean the kitchen, I think you just don’t want to and think crappy jobs like that aren’t much fun so your crappy wife can do them. Your crappy wife is feeling pretty crappy about this attitude.

Greyarea12 · 21/01/2023 13:28

Sounds like he does this to piss you off to the point where you will say, ok, no point in me lying in because the house is an absolute mess when I get up so I would rather just get up with the kids every weekend from now on. And there you have it.. he gets a lie in every weekend and wakes up to a nice clean tidy house. He sounds selfish.

FannyFifer · 21/01/2023 13:29

If he has insomnia and can't sleep at night why the fuck are you the one up with the baby?
Does he try to sleep at night or is he watching tv/gaming etc?
Sounds a lazy bastard that you are enabling, why does his tiredness trump yours?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/01/2023 13:33

He’s doing it on purpose.

Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 13:34

I breastfeed the baby and am on maternity leave.
He works an intense job and just doesn't have the boobs. I don't mind this arrangement but would like my rare lie ins to not be followed by chaos. My day always ends up more unsettled and all over the place after I've had a lie in compared to when he has had his.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/01/2023 13:39

Your husband needs to be told that facilitating crafts and providing breakfast for the kids includes cleaning up afterwards on his part.

This is basic adulting tbh.

He needs to go and see what's wrong with him to make him so exhausted, but not considering cleaning up after the kids isn't something a doctor can fix.

Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 13:40

deeperthanallroses · 21/01/2023 13:26

hes watching tv himself? He’s not a special man who cares so deeply about you that he forces himself out of bed to do some token parenting of his children although only when you desperately need it, and he won’t do any housework or active parenting even then- he’s just a lazy fucker. Who’s up half the night apparently but still lets you do all the getting up with the baby?
ok, so you’re married to a lazy fucker. If you’re right and he’s a good guy mostly and just a lazy fucker in the mornings because he’s tired, then how about when you’re wiped out you plan it for an afternoon and tell him to cook dinner and do a load of washing while you go to bed for a nap? Or you could do the just take the kids out when you do get up from your lie in rather than clean, but that does need a conversation about what you expect done while you’re out. If you’re going to talk to him why not say I only ask you for a lie in every <whatever> when I desperately need it. The rest of the time despite doing all the baby wakes I do all the mornign wake ups too- many women (me!!) would never do this, but you take it for granted. Even when you do the morning you just watch tv or work while when I get up I work my butt off to give you a clean calm house to wake up to. You’re awake enough to work, you’re awake enough to clean the kitchen, I think you just don’t want to and think crappy jobs like that aren’t much fun so your crappy wife can do them. Your crappy wife is feeling pretty crappy about this attitude.

This does seem to be his weakness. In this area yes he is lazy. Once he gets up after a lie in he is a different person. He does housework, gets the groceries, does the laundry, takes the kids to their various things, do whatever jobs need doing etc etc. Once he is rested he is a different person. He had an operation last year and I had to do everything he does around the place and I really felt it and appreciated quite how much I actually rely on him for keeping on top of certain things.

Without a lie in, not the same.

OP posts:
simplefree · 21/01/2023 13:40

Faradalla · 21/01/2023 13:34

I breastfeed the baby and am on maternity leave.
He works an intense job and just doesn't have the boobs. I don't mind this arrangement but would like my rare lie ins to not be followed by chaos. My day always ends up more unsettled and all over the place after I've had a lie in compared to when he has had his.

and what did he say when you brought up this conversation with him? what is he doing to help his insomnia? why can’t he let go of his beliefs about TV on weekends morning and do what you do - as it seems to work - while he is half asleep on his laptop?

Ember90 · 21/01/2023 13:43

‘’My husband is stretching himself to get up with the kids, I know this’’

Do you realise how pathetic this sounds?

TheWayTheLightFalls · 21/01/2023 13:51

I think he's being ridiculous and massively playing you, but on the off chance that diddums really finds it so hard... let him facilitate your rest at another time of day. Ie you wake up with the kids but he, say, takes all of them out for a walk or play in the afternoon so you can nap.

Montague22 · 21/01/2023 13:53

I think at the very least you should swap so they get their TV fix whilst he is watching them so it’s quiet for you.

Then you can set up some wholesome (noisy) activities while he has a lie on.

He probably just wants the TV to himself.

Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 13:55

TheWayTheLightFalls · 21/01/2023 13:51

I think he's being ridiculous and massively playing you, but on the off chance that diddums really finds it so hard... let him facilitate your rest at another time of day. Ie you wake up with the kids but he, say, takes all of them out for a walk or play in the afternoon so you can nap.

That's how we normally do it. I just get my rest later in the afternoon. He happily takes the kids for a walk or to the park or cafe or even puts a movie on then (!) but the mornings seem to be the problem. He knows I get a good bit of rest during the day on maternity leave so maybe that has something to do with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 14:00

I really don't want this to turn into a session bashing my husband and making assassinations about his character. He generally isn't lazy at all, nor is he pathetic. He is generally a good, hard working, family man who just hates the mornings -I just wanted to know if I was being precious about the issue. Most of you think I'm not so I'll speak to him about it and see if we can find a way forward.

OP posts:
zingally · 21/01/2023 14:00

Awww... Poor sweet angel baby boy, bit sleepy-tired after a week at work! Then he oh-so-nobel forces himself out of bed to do some token childcare! What a saint!

OnaBegonia · 21/01/2023 14:00

Stretching himself??getting up with his own kids ffs

Emmamoo89 · 21/01/2023 14:06

YANBU X

Rowen32 · 21/01/2023 14:15

You need to say to him the mess is undoing your rest and it can't go on anymore, see what compromises you can come up with? Like you say, don't make it a bigger deal than some other posters are.. I hear you as we have differing rest/sleep needs aswell.. You need to make it clear the house has to be at a certain standard when you get up and if that's not possible work out a solution that you're both happy with.. Can he go to bed earlier? Can you decide on a certain activity the children can do rather than letting them run wild with everything? Can he engage them in a tidy up before Mum gets up? Or do it himself when you do get up and can keep an eye on the kids? Can he facilitate you to get more rest in the evenings of a week where you're feeling particularly exhausted and then you might not need the lie in? Just look at it all and see what might work..

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