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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Place is a mess after my lie in

83 replies

Faradalla · 21/01/2023 12:55

My husband is great, does his share of housework normally, works hard, great with our 3 small kids etc. He needs a lot more rest than I do, and I can cope on less sleep. He is pretty useless when he is tired so it's in everyone's interests that we play to our strengths, he rests when he needs to, I get on with things until I feel I need a rest and then I make sure I get it by that stage.

When I get up, I see to the kids and normally stick something on Netflix for them to watch while I do breakfast, tidy the kitchen, do some jobs etc. The place is nice and quiet so my husband gets a good sleep and he gets up to a reasonable tidy and calm atmosphere. TV goes off and we get ready for the day.

When my husband lets me have a lie in, I know that it really takes it out of him to get up but he does it anyway. He doesn't make a big song and dance about it but I know he is tired. He doesn't 'believe' in putting the TV on for kids on Saturday/sunday morning (isn't against screen time in general) as he would rather they craft, play with their toys, read etc. The kids then get on with absolutely trashing the living room loudly. When I get up the atmosphere is noisy, boisterous and there is stuff everywhere. The kitchen is normally covered in stuff from breakfast time, surfaces not cleaned and plates on the counters. My husband will be sitting there half dozing, doing work on his laptop or watching TV himself. He always goes straight back to bed when I get up so I am left with cleaning up the mess. it undoes the rest I get.

My husband is stretching himself to get up with the kids, I know this. He is normally exhausted after the week in work and I know its a lot for him to get up. I only ever have a lie in when I genuinely feel exhausted, like I did this morning.
I couldn't actually get back to sleep because I knew what a mess the place would be in so I got up after 30 minutes and it was as I expected.

AIBU in thinking he should be tidying or at least keeping things calm and quiet while I'm lying down or should I just sick it up and be glad of the rest?

OP posts:
AutumnIsHere21 · 22/01/2023 08:00

Your husband sounds like mine and you sound like me. My children are slightly older now and get up around 7.30 now so no issues here for me to get up with them as I’m more of a morning person anyway (my working day starts at 6am so still a lie in!).

However, back in the baby/toddler days we had a similar situation and I read some advice on here about it. A poster suggested that the parent like us took the Saturday lie in and told the other parent that whatever ‘quality’ of lie in they were able to have would be replicated on the Sunday for the DH’s lie in (the issue for me was not keeping the toddler quiet downstairs; she’d come running up to see where I was etc while he was laying on the sofa on his phone!) Didn’t take long for him to realise that he needed to step up for both of our sakes. Particularly so when you aren’t asking for 50/50, just the odd break.

Good luck!

Original poster
Faradalla · 22/01/2023 08:04

Shoxfordian · 22/01/2023 07:57

Assuming he’s not an unintelligent man then you need to tell him letting them watch Netflix means
you have a nice snooze, there’s no mess and everyone’s happy. If he’s as great as you say then you can have a reasonable conversation about it

Yes, plan on doing this 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Faradalla · 22/01/2023 08:06

AutumnIsHere21 · 22/01/2023 08:00

Your husband sounds like mine and you sound like me. My children are slightly older now and get up around 7.30 now so no issues here for me to get up with them as I’m more of a morning person anyway (my working day starts at 6am so still a lie in!).

However, back in the baby/toddler days we had a similar situation and I read some advice on here about it. A poster suggested that the parent like us took the Saturday lie in and told the other parent that whatever ‘quality’ of lie in they were able to have would be replicated on the Sunday for the DH’s lie in (the issue for me was not keeping the toddler quiet downstairs; she’d come running up to see where I was etc while he was laying on the sofa on his phone!) Didn’t take long for him to realise that he needed to step up for both of our sakes. Particularly so when you aren’t asking for 50/50, just the odd break.

Good luck!

Oh wow this is hilarious!

OP posts:
Tuppy2 · 22/01/2023 08:09

Read 'The empowered wife'. It sounds like an American mumbo jumbo book but it really isn't. It gives you all the tools you need to either get the outcome that you want or to recognize when to let things go all without an argument.

ThePreacherLikesTheCold · 22/01/2023 08:14

What was his reaction when you raised your issues with him?

Parisj · 22/01/2023 08:18

Its no biggie just one for a conversation and some compromise.

Palmface · 22/01/2023 08:19

mathanxiety · 21/01/2023 13:39

Your husband needs to be told that facilitating crafts and providing breakfast for the kids includes cleaning up afterwards on his part.

This is basic adulting tbh.

He needs to go and see what's wrong with him to make him so exhausted, but not considering cleaning up after the kids isn't something a doctor can fix.

This 100%

RoseMarigoldViolet · 22/01/2023 08:27

Maybe he could go to bed earlier in the evening to get his extra sleep hours in. Part of being a parent is getting up early when the children wake up. He needs to be sharing this with you.

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