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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Place is a mess after my lie in

83 replies

Faradalla · 21/01/2023 12:55

My husband is great, does his share of housework normally, works hard, great with our 3 small kids etc. He needs a lot more rest than I do, and I can cope on less sleep. He is pretty useless when he is tired so it's in everyone's interests that we play to our strengths, he rests when he needs to, I get on with things until I feel I need a rest and then I make sure I get it by that stage.

When I get up, I see to the kids and normally stick something on Netflix for them to watch while I do breakfast, tidy the kitchen, do some jobs etc. The place is nice and quiet so my husband gets a good sleep and he gets up to a reasonable tidy and calm atmosphere. TV goes off and we get ready for the day.

When my husband lets me have a lie in, I know that it really takes it out of him to get up but he does it anyway. He doesn't make a big song and dance about it but I know he is tired. He doesn't 'believe' in putting the TV on for kids on Saturday/sunday morning (isn't against screen time in general) as he would rather they craft, play with their toys, read etc. The kids then get on with absolutely trashing the living room loudly. When I get up the atmosphere is noisy, boisterous and there is stuff everywhere. The kitchen is normally covered in stuff from breakfast time, surfaces not cleaned and plates on the counters. My husband will be sitting there half dozing, doing work on his laptop or watching TV himself. He always goes straight back to bed when I get up so I am left with cleaning up the mess. it undoes the rest I get.

My husband is stretching himself to get up with the kids, I know this. He is normally exhausted after the week in work and I know its a lot for him to get up. I only ever have a lie in when I genuinely feel exhausted, like I did this morning.
I couldn't actually get back to sleep because I knew what a mess the place would be in so I got up after 30 minutes and it was as I expected.

AIBU in thinking he should be tidying or at least keeping things calm and quiet while I'm lying down or should I just sick it up and be glad of the rest?

OP posts:
DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 21/01/2023 16:36

If the DH is indeed just bad at mornings, he’s obviously using the nights and evenings to catch up on chores whilst everyone else is in bed, right?

Right?

Thought not. He’s a lazy twat. And I say that as someone who struggled with insomnia and young kids.

pelargoniums · 21/01/2023 16:44

My husband is stretching himself to get up with the kids, I know this.
Just once, though, when you get up from your lie-in to a trashed house and your DH ignoring it all in favour of his laptop, instead of clearing it up, why not try SCREAMING LIKE A FUCKING BANSHEE. He’s no more stretching himself than me at the back of a PE lesson.

Keha · 21/01/2023 16:47

Just my experience but my DH isn't great on a morning, rather than have a lie in I basically get up every day but my rest is an afternoon nap and he takes DC out then. I do think you might need to make the point that doing craft etc should include tidying up.

MavisCruet2023 · 21/01/2023 17:08

How pathetic of him. He's not lovely at all. He's a wanker.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 21/01/2023 17:16

Unless there is some kind of underlying medical condition he is suffering from this isn't fair at all I wouldn't be very happy with it

I think you need to have a word with him.

RealBecca · 21/01/2023 17:51

Perhaps he can take them out on the morning and avoid the chaos he creates.

melodypondisasuperhero · 21/01/2023 18:01

99victoria · 21/01/2023 14:28

It's funny how it's always the women who 'can manage on a lot less sleep' and the men who 'need more rest than I do'
Honestly, in all my years on MN I don't think I've ever read a post where a mum says the man gets up every morning with the kids because he can 'manage on a lot less sleep'
Is is biology do you think?😏

That would be me 😅

I despise mornings, DH does not and would be up at 7 whether he needed to or not. Even pre-kids I don’t think I’ve ever known him to have a lie in.

MuggleMe · 21/01/2023 18:18

It doesn't seem fair he's ok with Netflix of a morning when it suits him but not suits you. I appreciate he's letting you parent how you want, but the way he parents is not helpful to you.

coodawoodashooda · 21/01/2023 18:25

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/01/2023 13:33

He’s doing it on purpose.

Yeah. My xh did loads of stuff like this. It's a strategy to keep you down.

EllieM27 · 21/01/2023 18:30

So he’s only helpful later in the day if you do everything and let him lie in bed all morning? And if you don’t he’s a different person (I’m guessing not helpful/doesn’t contribute) because he needs more sleep and is sooooo tired? And you feel like people calling him lazy is “character assassination?”

He's done a number on you. Refusing to help (being “just too tired” to be an adult/parent) if you don’t let him have his way is manipulative. He’s trained you to give him his way and even to defend his laziness. Give him a wake-up call and make him do better. You and your children deserve that from him.

ColdHandsHotHead · 21/01/2023 18:31

FannyFifer · 21/01/2023 13:29

If he has insomnia and can't sleep at night why the fuck are you the one up with the baby?
Does he try to sleep at night or is he watching tv/gaming etc?
Sounds a lazy bastard that you are enabling, why does his tiredness trump yours?

Insomnia doesn't work like that, honestly. My insomnia follows the same pattern as the OP's husband's. It's utter misery.

Rtmhwales · 21/01/2023 18:43

99victoria · 21/01/2023 14:28

It's funny how it's always the women who 'can manage on a lot less sleep' and the men who 'need more rest than I do'
Honestly, in all my years on MN I don't think I've ever read a post where a mum says the man gets up every morning with the kids because he can 'manage on a lot less sleep'
Is is biology do you think?😏

Mine does. Pretty much every single morning while I have a lie in. I just don't cope in the morning on little sleep and he does. We play to our strengths and I pick up the slack elsewhere.

QueenLagertha · 21/01/2023 18:48

I need more sleep than DH so he'll often pick up the slack so that I get enough. I'm not standing up for OPs DH as surely he could at least tidy up a bit if he's fit to use his laptop. But it is awful when you can barely function when tired. Everything is a struggle.

NoSquirrels · 21/01/2023 18:52

It seems like the issue isn’t that he chooses to not give them screen time but that once you’re up, he doesn’t reset the house but leaves the chaos to you. He’s basically only doing half the job.

The expectation and outcome of a lie-in should be the same for both of you.

The person having a lie-in gets a decent rest, peace and quiet and a pleasant start to the day.

The person looking after the children keeps them occupied and keeps the house under control. (How they do that is up to them, but it should be their responsibility to keep the decks clear.)

autastic · 21/01/2023 20:07

I call bullshit on him being incapable the reason you are coming down to chaos is because other than breakfast I
He is doing fuck all and making sure the children are hyper and have trashed the place for when you get up.
He likes them to do crafts? So who is supervising this if he is on the laptop or watching tv? No one that's who... he either needs to be up supervise and clean up or go out with them or let them watch tv.

SheWoreYellow · 21/01/2023 20:12

ColdHandsHotHead · 21/01/2023 18:31

Insomnia doesn't work like that, honestly. My insomnia follows the same pattern as the OP's husband's. It's utter misery.

Show quote history

What, it means he can’t help with a baby? How does that work?

The baby is breastfed, but what did you mean by your comment?

SheWoreYellow · 21/01/2023 20:13

I’m wondering what time he’s having to get up with the children? Is it 4.30am or 7? And how does he manage getting up for work?

findmybalance · 21/01/2023 20:15

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/01/2023 13:33

He’s doing it on purpose.

And you know that how? Do you know him?

OP, if he genuinely is this shattered, you need to investigate this.

Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 20:46

Right.

So far my husband has been described as being lazy, pathetic, a twat, unattractive, and a wanker when I shared a snapshot of our situation.

Despite me providing context that we generally have a happy, balanced relationship where we play to our strengths many of you are refusing to accept my own opinion of my own marriage, instead insisting that my husband has actually trained me, like some kind of dog, when I know that this is not the case. This hyperbole is just so unnecessary.

It's annoying when I get up to mess, but it's not the end of the world. I'll talk to him. He is a receptive man and we always work through things but I didn't know if I was being precious about housework and needed to just enjoy the rest. I take on board that it is unfair and needs to change. I like the idea of getting him to just bring the kids out for breakfast or for me to bring them too.

Husband has tried a lot of lifestyle things for the insomnia short of going to the GP. I don't want to talk about him anymore though.

OP posts:
PollyPut · 21/01/2023 22:11

I wouldn't stress about the "mess". You have three young children. Just accept that it can be sorted out later - the lie in is (presumably) worth it.

I would see whether he can do a quieter activity with them, e.g. craft. Taking them out might work but in my experience it is never quiet to get three children out of the house.

Merlott · 22/01/2023 00:33

OP - describes DH who refuses to enforce basic tidiness on kids, thereby passive-aggressively forcing OP to clean up the bombsite every time (how old are kids, why are they not being taught to clean up after themselves?) - blames DH insomnia as some immovable force to justify this dynamic

MN - clearly that's unfair all around, and what medical help has been sought to address the insomnia?

OP - Stop criticising

???

Original poster
Faradalla · 22/01/2023 01:54

MN - clearly that's unfair all around, and what medical help has been sought to address the insomnia?

The above is indisputable. It's not fair and we need to look into my husband's sleep problems more. Absolutely.

I feel this is one aspect which isn't working well within the framework of a generally smooth, fair system and felt it was unfair on my husband to tar him as a deadbeat in general. Not disputing that the lie in mess is not on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faradalla · 22/01/2023 07:45

I couldn't remember why exactly my husband was so against screen time in the mornings but not generally.

I remembered this morning that his rationale was that the kids would be less likely to get up at 6 if they knew there would be no screen time for them when they got up. He also thinks they get enough during the week and he generally prefers them to do something (drawing, reading, independent play) before getting screen time and that it should be earned.

I think early wake ups are just how their body clocks are set and I might as well use Netflix to keep things under control before going out mid morning.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 22/01/2023 07:53

It’s the screen time bit that is the issue - that he thinks they can’t do creates mess for you whilst having screen time himself.

sonething the kids will notice and point out

so either he crafts and interacts and cleans or they all have gentle screen time

and get medical help for his tirednedd

Shoxfordian · 22/01/2023 07:57

Assuming he’s not an unintelligent man then you need to tell him letting them watch Netflix means
you have a nice snooze, there’s no mess and everyone’s happy. If he’s as great as you say then you can have a reasonable conversation about it

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