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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Place is a mess after my lie in

83 replies

Faradalla · 21/01/2023 12:55

My husband is great, does his share of housework normally, works hard, great with our 3 small kids etc. He needs a lot more rest than I do, and I can cope on less sleep. He is pretty useless when he is tired so it's in everyone's interests that we play to our strengths, he rests when he needs to, I get on with things until I feel I need a rest and then I make sure I get it by that stage.

When I get up, I see to the kids and normally stick something on Netflix for them to watch while I do breakfast, tidy the kitchen, do some jobs etc. The place is nice and quiet so my husband gets a good sleep and he gets up to a reasonable tidy and calm atmosphere. TV goes off and we get ready for the day.

When my husband lets me have a lie in, I know that it really takes it out of him to get up but he does it anyway. He doesn't make a big song and dance about it but I know he is tired. He doesn't 'believe' in putting the TV on for kids on Saturday/sunday morning (isn't against screen time in general) as he would rather they craft, play with their toys, read etc. The kids then get on with absolutely trashing the living room loudly. When I get up the atmosphere is noisy, boisterous and there is stuff everywhere. The kitchen is normally covered in stuff from breakfast time, surfaces not cleaned and plates on the counters. My husband will be sitting there half dozing, doing work on his laptop or watching TV himself. He always goes straight back to bed when I get up so I am left with cleaning up the mess. it undoes the rest I get.

My husband is stretching himself to get up with the kids, I know this. He is normally exhausted after the week in work and I know its a lot for him to get up. I only ever have a lie in when I genuinely feel exhausted, like I did this morning.
I couldn't actually get back to sleep because I knew what a mess the place would be in so I got up after 30 minutes and it was as I expected.

AIBU in thinking he should be tidying or at least keeping things calm and quiet while I'm lying down or should I just sick it up and be glad of the rest?

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 21/01/2023 14:17

I think the comments on some previous posts are cruel, some people don't function well in the morning, it's science, our bodies are programmed differently.. Why bash a man whose wife is really happy with him except for one issue? Why not help her solve that instead of taking down the man's character, so immature..

CalistoNoSolo · 21/01/2023 14:23

He sounds utterly wet and/or 'strategically' tired. Either way, deeply unattractive and not something I could tolerate.

Make him tidy up before he slopes back to his pit.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/01/2023 14:27

Tired or not, he should be cleaning and tidying. We all clean when we are tired.

brokenstone · 21/01/2023 14:27

I agree with others posters.

I think this might be strategic incompetence.

My husband does the same.

It's draining.

99victoria · 21/01/2023 14:28

It's funny how it's always the women who 'can manage on a lot less sleep' and the men who 'need more rest than I do'
Honestly, in all my years on MN I don't think I've ever read a post where a mum says the man gets up every morning with the kids because he can 'manage on a lot less sleep'
Is is biology do you think?😏

Nosleepforthismum · 21/01/2023 14:29

Sorry but I couldn’t help but roll my eyes so hard at all your posts. You can function better on less sleep. Probably because you have no other option because the other parent in this equation thinks he is more deserving of it than you. I honestly can’t believe you allow him to go back to bed after causing havoc in the morning and leaving you to clean it all up! I’m a morning person rather than an evening person but if I was needed to stay up occasionally until midnight to look after my DC’s I obviously would do and would not be anywhere near as useless as your DH sounds. I certainly wouldn’t then go to bed leaving my other half to clean up. Honestly. I bet he “needs” to lie in until 10/11am as well. What would he do if you died? He’d just have to cope with early mornings wouldn’t he. Fed up of hearing women constantly picking up the slack for their incredibly lazy partners.

Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 14:33

Rowen32 · 21/01/2023 14:15

You need to say to him the mess is undoing your rest and it can't go on anymore, see what compromises you can come up with? Like you say, don't make it a bigger deal than some other posters are.. I hear you as we have differing rest/sleep needs aswell.. You need to make it clear the house has to be at a certain standard when you get up and if that's not possible work out a solution that you're both happy with.. Can he go to bed earlier? Can you decide on a certain activity the children can do rather than letting them run wild with everything? Can he engage them in a tidy up before Mum gets up? Or do it himself when you do get up and can keep an eye on the kids? Can he facilitate you to get more rest in the evenings of a week where you're feeling particularly exhausted and then you might not need the lie in? Just look at it all and see what might work..

Thank you!
Yes I think it just requires a bit of a chat. I just needed to organise my thoughts the way you said it. Thanks for that.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 21/01/2023 14:36

How old are your kids and how early are they getting up? Depending on the answer to that I think there could be an argument that you need to set different expectations of their behaviour.

Still, I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask him either let go of the no TV rule (which is quite pointless as he's breaking it himself) or tidy up after them, as at the moment there is no actual relaxation for you when you get a lie in, and there should be.

I know how you feel because my DP is similar (on a smaller scale).

SantaOnFanta · 21/01/2023 14:39

Ride with the chaos, does it matter that a few dishes aren't done? At least kids are playing and happy.

Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 14:40

Nosleepforthismum · 21/01/2023 14:29

Sorry but I couldn’t help but roll my eyes so hard at all your posts. You can function better on less sleep. Probably because you have no other option because the other parent in this equation thinks he is more deserving of it than you. I honestly can’t believe you allow him to go back to bed after causing havoc in the morning and leaving you to clean it all up! I’m a morning person rather than an evening person but if I was needed to stay up occasionally until midnight to look after my DC’s I obviously would do and would not be anywhere near as useless as your DH sounds. I certainly wouldn’t then go to bed leaving my other half to clean up. Honestly. I bet he “needs” to lie in until 10/11am as well. What would he do if you died? He’d just have to cope with early mornings wouldn’t he. Fed up of hearing women constantly picking up the slack for their incredibly lazy partners.

Once I'm woken up, that's normally me for the day. No point lying in bed wide awake. I'm a morning person too and generally don't mind getting up, sticking the kettle on and making a coffee. It's really not an issue for me, normally. Why would you roll your eyes so hard at that? Do you want me to really struggle in the mornings too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Faradalla · 21/01/2023 14:41

SantaOnFanta · 21/01/2023 14:39

Ride with the chaos, does it matter that a few dishes aren't done? At least kids are playing and happy.

Yes sometimes I think this is true too.

OP posts:
BunchHarman · 21/01/2023 14:43

You’re way more understanding of that lazy man than I would be. Jesus.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 21/01/2023 14:46

He needs to go to bed earlier then.

I need more rest than DP. He prefers 7 hours whereas I need closer to 9-10 to feel rested. So I go to bed earlier when I need to get up.

Namechangedforthisonetoday · 21/01/2023 14:54

Your husband is what’s known in my neck of the woods as a ‘lazy twat’. The best cure for lazy twatness tends to be giving short sharp shrift by someone else (you in this case) and advising him to either get his lazy ass up and pulling his weight, or move his lazy ass along. I hope this helps.

Nosleepforthismum · 21/01/2023 14:54

Faradalla · 21/01/2023 14:40

Once I'm woken up, that's normally me for the day. No point lying in bed wide awake. I'm a morning person too and generally don't mind getting up, sticking the kettle on and making a coffee. It's really not an issue for me, normally. Why would you roll your eyes so hard at that? Do you want me to really struggle in the mornings too?

Show quote history

Of course not. I mean, I’m rolling my eyes hearing about your DH “needing” more sleep than you. I’m absolutely on your side here.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 21/01/2023 14:57

99victoria · 21/01/2023 14:28

It's funny how it's always the women who 'can manage on a lot less sleep' and the men who 'need more rest than I do'
Honestly, in all my years on MN I don't think I've ever read a post where a mum says the man gets up every morning with the kids because he can 'manage on a lot less sleep'
Is is biology do you think?😏

Studies actually show that women need more sleep than men

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 21/01/2023 15:16

I think your husband needs to a) sort out his sleeping pattern, using medication if necessary and b) be a bit more realistic about life with young children-being a bit tired goes with the territory.

Reindear · 21/01/2023 15:19

I would leave the mess. When he wakes up tel him that the kids were still having a great time so they’ve carried on doing their craft. Now he’s up you can both clean it up together. Don’t do it all yourself!

Rowgtfc72 · 21/01/2023 15:19

I'm a morning person. Get up, have a cuppa, clean the house.
Dh is very much not a morning person.
After a lie in this morning he's been shopping, washed the car and cleaned the decking.
I cleaned the house this morning and am now plonked on the sofa with a cuppa.

I learnt long ago not to hassle him in a morning. Things get done eventually.

I'd ask your dh to keep the noise down a bit and leave the chaos for him- in his own time.

StonwEd · 21/01/2023 15:59

You cope better because you know you have to. He doesn't because he knows you will. It is strategic incompetence.
My husband needs less sleep than me. We go to bed at the same time, but he gets up earlier at around 5.30am as opposed to my 6.30 but we're both in bed before 10pm most nights.
The toddler played us up last night and I'm exhausted, so he's doing the shopping while we snooze in front of the TV this afternoon, then I'll walk the dog while they chill for a bit.
On the morning chaos thing, I saw Bob mortimer recently and he said the nicest thing you can do is be quiet when someone else is sleeping in the house and it's sooooo true. He and the kids need to be quiet so you can rest properly.

Pandorapitstop · 21/01/2023 16:03

He’s pathetic

ThreeblackCats · 21/01/2023 16:12

I agree with pp that’s it’s strategic incompetence.

Let the kids be as noisy as they wish the next time he has his lie in.
Then get him to do his share and clean up the kitchen that you’ve left exactly as he does when he’s parenting.

He seems to have trained you well, but his attitude is very unattractive.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 21/01/2023 16:17

Is the solution not, you get your lie-in on Sunday? He gets Saturday to recover from his long week at work and you get Sunday.

Jedsnewstar · 21/01/2023 16:20

No way in hell would I tidy it up. Stop being a mug.

Cocobutt · 21/01/2023 16:22

As a single parent his behaviour really pisses me off.
I am someone who needs sleep due to a medical condition and I am definitely not a morning person but I still manage.

The worst part is that he won’t let the kids watch Tv but will happily do it himself.
He sounds incredibly selfish.

What hours does he do at work?

I’m struggling to see how he can do a difficult job every day fine but can barely cope with his own kids.

It’s fine if he lets them make a mess but it’s his responsibility to clean it up afterwards.