WWYD - Found deceased mum's letters to my dad

[ThePastKnocks]

My parents split when I was a child, my dad was pretty flakey then one year he just didn't turn up for me anymore. He's been like it on and off during my life. I've got to the point that we chat and I enjoy him visiting/meeting up as a family a few times a year but I tend to keep my expectations very low due to my childhood. He seems to be trying his best though and was supportive through the bereavement.

I'd just been looking for a document and found 5 files. The first one is red unlike the others so I took a quick peek thinking I'll have to sort through them later. From a quick glance, it's letters to my dad and then potentially some responses and maybe court stuff.

Should I read the file(s) - I don't know how many are about this.

AIBU - No
YANBU - Yes

If it's your dad's private mail and if your dad is alive and well, then of course you shouldn't read it.

I don’t think you should read private letters to be honest. Especially if you’re getting along with your father.

My mum and dad had a terrible toxic relationship, they behaved appallingly to one another and said some cruel things. But independently (and both remarried!) they are lovely people.

Leave the private past well and truly in the past.

I’d have a really quick scan through looking for anything important I needed to keep. I wouldn’t want to read anything personal, but then I had no relationship at all with my dad.

Do whatever you want, I doubt it matters to anyone but you. Why are you hesitating, is there something you’re worried about finding?

I am sorry for your loss.
I think you should read the documents. It doesn’t have to be now, when you’re ready. You seem to have a very good way of dealing with your dad’s lack of consistency and care so I’d say you’re armed for it.

I think in your shoes OP, I would want to open them, as otherwise you will always wonder what was in them. However, before you do, I think you need to be very sure you are mentally in the right place to deal with it, if these letters open a can of worms which may well make you see your Mum, or Dad, in a totally different light. Maybe you could consider asking your Dad whether he remembers getting letters from her, presumably there are some dates you could give him, and see what response he gives you. If he appears uncomfortable, or says perhaps you should leave the past in the past, then you'd have to draw your own conclusions, but in reality, I don't think anyone can really tell you whether it would be right or wrong for you to open them, as only you have to live with knowing the contents.

We burned private letters we found between my dh’s dad and his wife and didn’t read them and we were crucified by dh’s ds.
And we’d do it again. She thought she should be able to read them and we thought it totally inappropriate.
And we do not ever speak to her again….

Take your time deciding. We can’t unknow things.

Sorry for your loss

No because you can never go back

If your DM wanted you to read them she'd have let you do so. Really not a good idea. I would burn them.

That’s horrific! He was as much your DH’s sister’s father as your DH’s father, I’m assuming?

Appalling behaviour by you, it absolutely was not for you to decide.

When my dad died, I found some letters my mum had written him when they divorced 20 years previously. I really wish I hadn’t read them.

When mum died last year, I found other letters in her belongings. I didn’t read them and threw them away straight away so I wouldn’t be tempted.

perhaps you could ask a friend to read them on your behalf?

I would almost certainly read them. Whether you should or not I think depends a lot on you.

Are you very curious and likely to dwell on them if you don’t read them? How would you cope if you found evidence your dad or your mum were actually very different from the people you currently see them as?

Not quite the same but when clearing my uncles flat following his death I came across some love letters and some pretty dating court papers relating to his former marriage. My cousins (their children) are scattered so a lot fell to me. Once I realised what they were I put them in a sealed envelope and passed them on to my aunt (his ex) so she could chose what to do. I actually felt quite uncomfortable having accidentally them. Even though I didn't read them I saw certain phrases and got the general gist. Don't open Pandoras Box

perhaps you could ask a friend to read them on your behalf?

OP's father is still alive. It would be a shocking breach of his privacy to allow a stranger to read letters between him and his late wife.

OP, I think you should tell your father you have found these letters and ask what he would like you to do with them. If they were written to him, they belong to him.

I'd read them, but my parents suck so there is nothing I could read that would lower my opinion of them.

Fucking hell! The woman was grieving and upset that you burnt a connection to her mother and now you don't speak to her. I mean maybe it's the way you have phrased it but you come across as ice cold.

I'd had a quick look on the first page to see what was in it, quite ready to bin the folder at some point as she kept everything, even sticky notes from the early 90s. It pertains to me actually, it mentions my behaviour at that age and how I'd cried as I was missing him and didn't know if he'd forgotten me. I vaguely remember the tears and definitely remember him not turning up!

She never said a bad word about him so I think that was going to be her way of shedding some light on things in years to come if I wanted to know.

It's not love letters, more so from during and after their divorce.

I know my mum has some lovely letters between my grandparents, from when they were separated due to war (nan was German).

Wouldn't dream of throwing them away. Certainly can't imagine setting them on fire! How horrible.

They have historical and sentimental value to me.

Guess it depends what you're expecting to find, but I'd give them a quick glance.

What will you achieve by reading the letters?

what if there are things in those letters that Rob you of a dad as your feeling change. You’ve list your mum you may regret reading these letters

what about keeping the letters safe and sometime in the future reading them, possibly after other people have left this earth.

In which case I'd hang on to them and maybe go through them when you feel better placed to read what's within.

They weren't hers. They were private letters. If there are any letters from the early days of my relationship with my DH lurking somewhere and my kids doing then, I very much hope they will respect our privacy even though we're gone.

There'd be nothing steamy in them, but even so, they were never meant for anyone else's eyes.

If he cared enough to sort through the house himself he'd have found the correspondences himself.
He doesn't.
They're yours purely to check there's nothing amiss financially regarding her estate. Not snooping is it.

They weren't yours either. Her and her brother should have decided what to do with them, you shouldn't have been involved at all.

@tillytown what on earth have I just read. Your actions were unforgivable. You had less say than your DH and Sister in law. They should have discussed it between them. What a fucking awful thing to do.

Sorry for your loss OP
I might be missing the point but your mother has died and in her things are these letters written to your father?
then did he return them to her, or they were never posted? If the latter, then it’s like her diary isn’t it?