WWYD - Found deceased mum's letters to my dad

[ThePastKnocks]

My parents split when I was a child, my dad was pretty flakey then one year he just didn't turn up for me anymore. He's been like it on and off during my life. I've got to the point that we chat and I enjoy him visiting/meeting up as a family a few times a year but I tend to keep my expectations very low due to my childhood. He seems to be trying his best though and was supportive through the bereavement.

I'd just been looking for a document and found 5 files. The first one is red unlike the others so I took a quick peek thinking I'll have to sort through them later. From a quick glance, it's letters to my dad and then potentially some responses and maybe court stuff.

Should I read the file(s) - I don't know how many are about this.

AIBU - No
YANBU - Yes

I agree. Absolutely disgusting.

I think you need hang onto the correspondence until you’re ready to read it or let it go without regret.

Burn them. Not good idea to read them

If your father were dead I don’t see a problem. As it is perhaps ask him for permission to read them/ give them to him/ extract anything you need for practical purposes ( wills, divorce papers, nationality birth death certs etc.

Reading my parents letters was like therapy for me . I finally understood their relationship, their grief and why things were the way they were… I know this is not directly relevant here, but I found it a fascinating and compelling process.

It's difficult. Trying to put myself in your shoes, I think I would want to read them. However, they can't be unseen after the event. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I can't see what good could come of it, only bad. So I would ignore them for now. Sorry about your mum op

This! These letters are part of OP's family history, a part of OP's inheritance. It is normal for all children to want to find more about their parents, to want to understand them better. A deceased mother isn't some stranger whose privacy is breached by a grieving child who misses her and wants to remember her and to know her better by reading and keeping anything written by her.
I have no idea why so many PPs are so obsessed with an hypothetical soap opera scenario, with OP risking to discover some sinister secrets or dirty laundry.
The most natural thing for children is to keep and cherish any memories left by their deceased parents. Not to reject and destroy them (or to ask friends to read them instead and summarise them!??) because some movies managed to scare young people into thinking that any letter or diary left by mum or granny has the potential to reveal that the deceased one was a monster.

As for that SIL deciding on her own to burn documents that pertain to someone else's family history... no words.

The sil didn't burn the letters. The op of that post and her husband did. Shocking behaviour and no wonder the sil is so upset.

My mum died this year and we went through the house together and made joint decisions about what to keep and what to chuck. No letters were found unfortunately.

I think she was referring to the poster when she said sil.

The sil didn't burn the letters. The op of that post and her husband did. Shocking behaviour and no wonder the sil is so upset.
Right, my bad. The idea is that any such documents are part of a family inheritance, just like an old chair or a drawer, and it's up to the children/grandchildren who find them to decide (together) what they want to do with them.
Condolences and sorry for your loss.

''@Motelschmotel · Yesterday 21:24
@Mum2jenny · Yesterday 21:21
We burned private letters we found between my dh’s dad and his wife and didn’t read them and we were crucified by dh’s ds.

And we’d do it again. She thought she should be able to read them and we thought it totally inappropriate.
And we do not ever speak to her again….'

That’s horrific! He was as much your DH’s sister’s father as your DH’s father, I’m assuming?

Appalling behaviour by you, it absolutely was not for you to decide.
Add message''

I agree @@Motelschmotel that it was not their decision to make if they were other siblings and they should have been consulted.

I know it is a slightly different scenario but after my father's death my toxic mother blurted out she had found, opened and destroyed a letter that my father had left me to open after he had died.

She seemed to believe it was perfectly fine for her to do that although obviously she had committed a criminal act (opening a letter not addressed to her and that was left alongside someone's will) and betrayed her husband's last wishes in the process.

I now no contact whatsoever with her.

I had a similar situation when my dad died, I found letters from my mother to him and also stuff he had written about how he felt about everything and the kind of parent he wanted to be. I read some of it and it really helped me achieve a deeper understanding of what went wrong with them both. I'd always grown up blaming myself for their divorce, as children do. And I had been angry at mum for leaving him, but after reading the letters I admire her strength. She did it for us, he was drinking too much and it made him unreliable. But I now also understand why he drank too much (his job was a threat to our safety as a family and he struggled with it) I was in my twenties when this happened and it was a real turning point - the first time I saw my parents for what they were, an immature couple in their twenties doing their best for their family.

I really feel for you OP and can I say your mum sounds wonderful, gracious and generous the way she has managed your father’s behaviour over the years.

I think the most troublesome but for me is that you say if you mention or show him the letters your dad will burn bridges. Do you mean he will walk away from you again? Why do you think that? You did nothing wrong at all the first time as a child yet have (like your mum) been impressively forgiving and mature and have a relationship with him now albeit slightly at arms length. But you suggest he would sever that if he knew you had those letters that you didn’t even write or know about? That but would make me question whether he genuinely is a better person at all these days.
regardless of your dad, you sound like your mum and she sounds incredible so you clearly got ALL the right genes and should be so proud of yourself.

get rid of the letters or put them away right at shy back of the loft and love your life for now how you feel brings you most joy. We can’t make other people behave any particular way but we do make our own choices.

From what you describe, I would destroy them. Either shred (perhaps your DH could do this so you are not tempted to read more) or burn.

It's her mum's private mail. Including any letters sent by her dad: those were the property of her mum, so belong to OP now.

I bet your sanctimonious response made OP feel SO much better about her bereavement & neglectful father though. Well done.

Wtf have I just read?

Your Husband has no right and doesnt get to dictate to his sister what she can or cant read, that's her choice.

You have even less right as it's not your family!!!!

I'm absolutely gobsmacked you thought it was appropriate to act this way.

OP read them if you want. You might find its stuff you don't want to know but it depends how you would handle this compared to never knowing and always wondering.

Exactly, Motel. It's that high-handed "We" that sticks in the craw.

No, PP have it the right way around.

From a quick glance, it's letters to my dad and then potentially some responses and maybe court stuff.

All these copies, responses & official letters were the property of OP's mum.
They therefore now belong to OP.

It's none of his business, & OP doesn't need his permission.

He divorced OP's mum years ago. The letters belonged to OP's mum, they now belong to OP. She doesn't need to ask the man whose abandonment of her is the main subject of the correspondence if he's 'cool' with her doing exactly as she chooses with her own property.
In fact, it's probably best he knows nothing about it, given OP's update about how he'd close down if she mentioned them.

😂OP's mother left this correspondence carefully filed, for OP to find after her death. If at any point in the 20 years she'd kept them she'd decided that she didn't want her daughter to have them after all, she would have disposed of them.

As someone who had to clear out old papers from parents' house after their deaths: do you really want or need to read these letters? Will any good result from it?

That decision should have been between your DH and his DS, it was absolutely nothing to do with you and it's abhorrent that you felt entitled to override the deceased's own daughter. Your DH should not have unilaterally made that decision either. Awful awful awful.

Hopefully the responses to your post have given you a reality check.

From this, OP, I would say that perhaps you’re not ready to read these letters. It sounds like you have struggles of your own, some confusion and unresolved feelings about your childhood which you think may be impacting your and others’ present. I may be wrong.

Don’t go looking for answers in these letters. You might be hoping for this or that, but could happen upon anything. Or nothing.

I would just leave them, in your shoes. Sort yourself out. Let it take years, if necessary. Don’t destroy the letters as that can’t be undone. But maybe just leave them for a while.

I suggest you burn them so that you aren't tempted. These were private letters. Imagine leters you'd written to someone being read by family later on. Dreadful. I know that my ex has the letters I sent him. We met when I was 18 and were together until I was 34. He's also kept our photo albums. I cringe when I think of his wife and daughter stumbling upon them.

My DH asked if he could read some (if I was ok with it) to determine whether I should read it.

After two letters, he cried. I hadn't told him much about my childhood in terms of my dad not being there. He jokingly congratulated me on still turning out ok but it must have been bad, especially as he's also asked me not to read them. Although, he's briefly told me what it was about when I've asked. They spent so long arguing about what was 'right' and 'wrong' with each others actions that I think that my happiness was not always put first.

I don't dislike my dad by knowing what I know now. I can see how he was trying at first then perhaps thought he was screwing everything up at every turn and maybe thought it was best to try to start stay away.

My mother wrote something which was so harsh and came across quite horrible but I do think she did so as she ended up exasperated years in and wanted him to just decide what he was doing - was he in or out essentially. It does cast light on why he holds his view of her, even now.

Maybe with some therapy I can unravel it all to put it back together a bit later in life. I think I will hang on to them. My own DD had questions about whether I'd been missing my dad recently and I didn't know how to really explain absence is something I've got used to. I will explain and maybe if she read it when she were older, she would understand bits of me too. I agree with PP who view this as family history.