WWYD - Found deceased mum's letters to my dad

[ThePastKnocks]

My parents split when I was a child, my dad was pretty flakey then one year he just didn't turn up for me anymore. He's been like it on and off during my life. I've got to the point that we chat and I enjoy him visiting/meeting up as a family a few times a year but I tend to keep my expectations very low due to my childhood. He seems to be trying his best though and was supportive through the bereavement.

I'd just been looking for a document and found 5 files. The first one is red unlike the others so I took a quick peek thinking I'll have to sort through them later. From a quick glance, it's letters to my dad and then potentially some responses and maybe court stuff.

Should I read the file(s) - I don't know how many are about this.

AIBU - No
YANBU - Yes

@CornishTiger The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. I've not got all the way through yet. It was an exercise to do - thinking about what went on for me at the age my DD is at and how my parents and childhood was then.

Would it be unreasonable to ask DH to skim it? I'm not sure he's ever really understood my childhood and reasons for the way I was/am with both parents so it might be good for him but also might be a big weight for him to carry.

I don't have many friends I see anymore, the one long term friend I've had since my teenage years doesn't know about my childhood before that but did know and love my mum.

I wouldn’t read them. They were never meant for your eyes. Personally I wouldn’t want to read them anyway. I would destroy them without reading.

If people keep letters - either IRL or online, then maybe they expect them to be read by others? I'm sure every situation is different but that's probably worth bearing in mind?

If they really were personal and the person had time to destroy stuff they considered confidential, then they would have done, surely?

Obviously if they died suddenly and unexpectedly then it would be something to consider.

Yes, but I'd still ask him. Then if he says he's fine for you to read them, that's cool.

OPs mother kept all these documents. Possibly fully intending for OP to have the option of reading them. It's not for her dad to erase her mum's truth. They are not his documents, even if they are about/to him.

I'd just put them out of sight and deal with them at a later date.

If I kept private documents knowing my daughter would come across them after my death, I'd be furious if my ex husband decided on my behalf that she couldn't read them.

I think your DM wanted you to see them -otherwise they'd have been destroyed x

I had a similar experience when clearing through my mum's stuff after her death - various solicitor's letters regarding their divorce, quite personal and very sad. I read a couple but then decided they belonged to the past and destroyed the rest. My dad has made some poor decisions in his life and we have a relationship similar to the one you describe, but I didn't see how it would benefit anyone to reopen old wounds from a quarter of a decade earlier. It's ten years on now and I don't regret my decision at all.

The letters are from 20 odd years ago. He's always been funny about my mother being mentioned and even 20+ years after their divorce, my dad was so awkward with her at my wedding. She was trying to be overly nice, maybe he questioned her motives.

My mum died just before Covid so it's been a while but I feel that's probably impacted the grieving process. I've chucked lots out already. Today was a chance finding due to desperately needing something from my own paperwork I'd done around the time she died. Part of me thinks, at some point I have to read them or bin them. I can't keep them forever, can I?

I can't ask my dad though. Whether he says yes or no, he will burn bridges.

Wow. I'm really shocked at all the people feeling entitled to read private correspondence. I shall be getting the shredder out. I think it's shocking - if you weren't told or shown in their lifetime that's it.

When we were clearing my d3ceased grandfather's stuff we came across a packet labelled 'to be burned on my death' .I have always thought that showed good foresight and maybe we should all think about labelling stuff?

I’m conflicted. One one hand I feel she kept them for a reason. On the other I feel it’s private even though it’s presumably largely about you.

I would shelve them for the moment and give yourself a good amount of time to think about it.

You may end up with more questions than answers.

I think this is an interesting point. At what point DO things start to have a historical significance? If the private letters that the previous poster burned were 100 years old and between a great great grandmother and great great grandfather, would she still have burned them? If they’d been worth £1 million, would she have burned them? (Well, she’s being very self-righteous so far, so she might say yes, she still would have, but the answer is no).

Better yet, would she be here saying, “They were private letters between Mr and Mrs Winston Churchill. Of course I burned them all”?

It just seems such a ridiculous thing to do. If someone keeps pictures and letters and other cherished mementos, knowing their children will be going through their estate (unless they die suddenly), why would you BURN those memories of the foundation of your family? You might as well burn it all - the pictures, anything they wrote. It’s ALL private. A life is private. But then you die, and it’s over.

And yes, of course as several have pointed out, the decision should have been made by the letter writer’s two children, not her son and DIL.

You can see from the answers here that people respond in different ways to new information from the past, potential timebombs really.

I have taken similar documents to a session with my counsellor after 2 different bereavements. The questions the counsellor asked helped me understand the emotions attached and the risks and potential benefits. Then I decided after I understood why I cared.

I agree with your DH's suggestion, and after all, he knows you better than we do, but if you haven't already got a therapist then that's a project in and of itself because it takes a while to build up the trust.

"I don't have many friends I see anymore"

That's a bit worrying. Have you a lot going on?

Anne Frank's diary. Such a breach of confidence, I'm shocked how many people thinkm it's ok to read it.

You seem to be treading on eggshells to ensure you don't upset the apple cart with your dad.

None of my business, but I'd question whether it's worth maintaining a relationship that is so precarious. It sounds exhausting.

I'm not of the opinion that children need to appease their parents.

Please don't. When people are going through divorce or separation they are often at their very worst. My ex partner and i spent a year sending each other the most horrible vitriolic messages. We are both nice people and eventually managed to become relatively amicable but we really both did lose the plot when separating. I would hate my children to see them.

This. It takes a lot to shock me but this did. How incredibly high handed.

I recently shredded all the many many paper copies relating to my expensive, painful and toxic divorce ( more than a decade ago). I was afraid that my now adult DD would one day read them. They reflected some very bad behaviour on
both sides particularly ExH. To this day it's the worst divorce I've known of outside those in the papers. Though DD is practically NC with ExH I wouldn't want her to read what we both experienced. So no, please leave the past in the past and respect their privacy.

You know what I would read them. When I was younger I somehow found the divorce papers between my mum and dad. And read them. I’m actually glad i did as it showed my dad in a completely different light and the person he is today. Changed my opinion on him and I’ve never forgiven him

Seriously? You may not have been adult but you were definitely part of the marriage snd are entitled to know what happened. As others have said, if you're not sure now just put them away for now. But never destroy family history!!

I think @Soontobe60 has suggested a really good thing. Explain the dilemma to a good friend, ask them to read them, and ask them to summarise and recommend what you should do.

Anne Frank's diary. Such a breach of confidence, I'm shocked how many people thinkm it's ok to read it.

1. This is a different situation obviously
2. You don't know how I feel about the publication of her diary

Ds = sister?

As a family historian I feel her pain. How was it your husband's place to make that decision on his own without giving her the option of keeping them? I'm actually appalled that you would do that.

In the op's case I would return the letters to the father, who wrote them. I think that's the usual etiquette here. I wouldn't read them if one of the parties is still alive.

read it! there may be somthing important in there for you to know, or mabye even somthing that would make you look at your father in a different light