WWYD - Found deceased mum's letters to my dad

[ThePastKnocks]

My parents split when I was a child, my dad was pretty flakey then one year he just didn't turn up for me anymore. He's been like it on and off during my life. I've got to the point that we chat and I enjoy him visiting/meeting up as a family a few times a year but I tend to keep my expectations very low due to my childhood. He seems to be trying his best though and was supportive through the bereavement.

I'd just been looking for a document and found 5 files. The first one is red unlike the others so I took a quick peek thinking I'll have to sort through them later. From a quick glance, it's letters to my dad and then potentially some responses and maybe court stuff.

Should I read the file(s) - I don't know how many are about this.

AIBU - No
YANBU - Yes

I'd read them. I wouldn't have to think too hard about it either. But just remember three things:

1. a relationship, broken or intact, is recounted by two points of view and not what actually happened. Don't get weighed down by any ins and outs that maybe in the letters. Whatever was going on, it doesn't matter now.

2. you may read things about yourself as a child that may hurt to recount now. That is normal but you have to be comfortable with the possiblity you might be uncomfortable for a while after reading.

3. people change and no one is perfect. If you get on with your dad now I'd try to hold onto that and not crucify him for what he did or didn't do in the past.

I’m sorry for your loss and I can understand your curiosity about the letters and documents now that you have found them.

Your thread has reminded me that I should find and destroy any emails and documents between me and my ex when we were separating and divorcing, as I really wouldn’t want my DS to read them, especially after my death when I am no longer here to discuss them with him.

Sorry, see my update @Thighdentitycrisis . It's about the divorce, navigating co-parenting (or not) and me. Nothing to do with their romantic relationship.

She was sending typed letters and keeping a copy of what she sent, perhaps for court?

It was a bit of a drip feed, I'm a bit frazzled and this has surprised me. It has come at a time when I thought I'd packed away my 'childhood dad' and any associated trauma but I've been reading a parenting book which suggested reflection on your own childhood and how it impacts us as parents. Now to find this, it could open up old feelings but it could help too.

DH has suggested reading them with a therapist but I'm wondering if I really need to know any more. Reflecting upon them both, they were toxic in their own ways.

I would scan through them all (or ask a friend to, if it brought up too many difficult memories) to make sure there was nothing except personal correspondance - no legal documents etc. I certainly wouldn't be disposing of them until I knew that for sure: even if the first few were personal, some people don't file very consistently and there may be more significant documents in there too.

If they turned out all to be personal letters, then I think it would depend on whether you think your dad would want them or not. If he would, then you could offer them the next time you meet, and if he says he's not interested then dispose of them or keep them as you wish. If he definitely wouldn't want them or your relationship isn't such that you could ask him, then don't offer.

As a teenager I found a letter my DF had written to DM, they were divorcing.

I wish I hadn’t read it.

Well then risk vs. reward OP. I'm very careful about what and how I dredge up things from childhood, depending on the day it could be fine or could be very triggering and send me into a spiral. I will say that through therapy, I've learned to revisit certain situations and parent myself - it's been very beneficial.

Maybe skim read first and if it starts to hurt then stop. Are you in a place with your dad now where you could say hey what was this about or why did this happen? Weigh up what you would gain by reading and what you would lose.

Also there's nothing stopping you from putting them in a box and maybe revisiting later. You don't need to do anything this minute.

I think she would probably like you to know as an adult what she went through and the lengths she went to try to facilitate a relationship with him. I suspect that's mostly what's in there.

You know he wasn't a good dad and you realise that he's changed somewhat from those days, although maybe not completely. I don't think you'll be shocked.

I read some documents when clearing up after my mum died. Found out my dad had been married b4 my mum. I had no one to ask about it, i dont know if they had any children. Dad was older than Mum.
He was a shit dad when he was with us, and we barely saw him after divorce, so it's entirely believable that he could have had kids he ignored or not.

You can open a can of worms i fear.

When cleaning out my grandparents house, we found some letters between my Nan and another man, heavily implying that there was an affair going on.

My mum had no idea.

Is the book you are reading parenting from the inside out? I need to revisit attempting to read that again.

How long ago did your mum die? I’d say give it a while before you make a firm decision on the letters. There is no rush.

Personally I’d ask a very trusted friend or partner to scan over them.

I have a stack of letters that provide memories to a time I’ve personally blocked out. They will be read when I’m ready for therapy and I know they’ll give me alot of insight into that time.

I would also question if your mum had left them there for your later discovery and knowledge.

I would give them to a friend I completely trust. Ask her to read them and only tell you things she thinks you need to know. Then burn them.

Have people got the AIBU the wrong way round?!

OP you have chanced upon private documents that don't belong to you.

the person to whom they belong, logically, is still alive.

just give them to him.

I'd have crucified you too. How dare you decide for your SIL what she can and cannot see belonging to her own deceased parents.

My DH is really level headed, can be objective under stress, and knows me well. I think if it was me I'd ask him to read the letters with me, or even before me and give me his opinion if it would be good or bad for me to read them. I know he'd be able to 'talk me down' if need be. Do you have someone like that who could either read them beforehand and give you their opinion on whether you'd be upset or who could be there when you read them?

Another thing is, if there are questions raised, how likely is it that you'd be able to get honest answers from your dad. Are you prepared for things to go unanswered?

Maybe set the file aside for a month or so then revisit this.

That.

"We"? The decision should've been made between your DH and his sister. You should not have been the "swing vote", or even involved at all.

I believe in respecting privacy if parties have made their wishes clear, but you don't know what the parents would've wanted. It's fair to say their daughter probably knew what her own parents would have wanted more than you would have.

Yes, on the very first page she asks him if he's planning on seeing me again and says it's nothing personal, she just wants to know and she wants what's best for me. She says she wants him to know the door is open but at the same time the lack of closure is hurting me as well.

Yet, she would not have a bad word said about him, even though I've just remembered some things I do know and personally would have let my child think what they want.

My dad is a funny, wise man and he's changed a bit over the years and did reflect but still has his quirks. He's just not very open with his emotions, can be closed off about himself and would shut down and probably burn every single bridge if I brought up the letters.

I just wonder what my father's responses to my mother were, whether he had any real reasons or excuses. I'm not sure if I can hold him to account when it's a version of him from decades ago but at the same time, no matter how hard parenting is, there's no way I'd just not show up for them for years until my child reached out themselves (and then do it again years later).

If you do read them OP, keep in mind that the letters capture a moment in time and may not reflect how your father is or feels now.

She was sending typed letters and keeping a copy of what she sent, perhaps for court?

The OP's later post indicates that this is a file of her late mother's containing carbons of letters she wrote to OP's father during the divorce and the course of their co-parenting. Not personal letters her father wrote.

@EmmaEmerald They are copies of letters my mum sent regarding me/parenting which was during/after divorce. She has kept them with the responses. Surely he should have the originals already and also know what he responded to them with?

I'd read them tbh. It's your family history. Imo it's important to learn the truth of things after death.

I'd want my kids to know as much about me as they could when I'm gone as I wish I'd had things from my ancestors.

Just curious, genuinely wondering - if it was the mum or dad's personal diary (with their own thoughts in it) rathee than letters - would you have stepped in, taken it away from their daughter while banning her from reading it, and burnt it as well?

Shame on you. ^

Sorry for your loss OP 💐

I’d feel compelled to read the letters, but I had a lovely childhood, My parents were very happy. My father has passed and DM still here and still misses him. If I found anything I’d be pretty reassured by this.

It could affect you, your relationship with your father.

It's very hard to comprehend as a mother how anyone can just pick and choose when they see their child. The father of my children is like it - I've always left the door open and never cut him off. Why he's like it? It's something to do with his childhood but I don't fully understand.
I don't see any harm coming of you having an insight into that time in your life. As an adult, you should be able to deal with it, hopefully. I wouldn't mention to him that you've seen the letters and just keep it to yourself. The letters are about you, there's no reason to feel bad for wanting to read them. Your mother sounds like an amazing woman who did her absolute best and I think probably she deserves you to know how hard she tried.
How she managed to not say a bad word about him takes some doing.
Whatever you decide, I wish you all the very best.