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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family comes first surely ?

426 replies

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 17:05

4 years ago my friend started a cleaning business. My mum was looking for a cleaner so I gave her my friends number . After 18 months or so she started to clean for my mums ndn too.

My mum has always had the opinion that if you want something you work for it so isn’t very forthcoming with helping out when I’ve struggled but my youngest is now in full time school so I wanted to work but I’ve not been able to for years due to some medical issues . I said to my mum would she consider letting me be her cleaner and as she has that kind of work ethic opinion mentioned above she was happy to do this as she would be helping me out but I wouldn’t be doing nothing in return.

she gave her cleaner (my friend) notice and I’ve now been cleaning for her a few weeks . Her ndn is one of her best friends as they’ve lived there for over 30 years and she had been talking to her and ndn has now given notice and asked me will i clean for her too (she’s aware of my medical issues and knows this will make throngs easier for me I’ve known her years and it was her suggestion)

My friend (well I’m not sure if she is anymore) has accused me of poaching her clients !!! But I’m not . They had given notice and yes I asked my mum but i didn’t approach her ndn. She’s says I shouldn’t have asked my mum but it’s my mum and surely family comes first especially given my circumstances 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:23

unfortunateevents · 20/01/2023 18:23

Your mum's NDN is not your family though? As far as your (former) friend is concerned, you started with your mum, then the NDN, she is probably thinking that you will pick off more her clients whenever you can?

I don’t know any of her other clients ?

OP posts:
ancientgran · 20/01/2023 18:23

You can work and claim PIP, well you could when I was working in HR. We often got asked by job centre to give people a few hours as it was thought of as therapeutic.

Emmamoo89 · 20/01/2023 18:24

It's one of the reasons*

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/01/2023 18:24

MargaretThursday · 20/01/2023 18:09

I think the doing it for Op's mum was fine, but it's the ndn that isn't. That's where it got into poaching.

I agree. DM had a cleaner and she decided she'd rather I did the the cleaning so she gave her notice. It didn't last long as I was shit at it and she soon wanted the 'proper' cleaner back (I think me breaking the hoover was the final straw).

OP cleaning for her mother is one thing and I don't see a problem in principle but the NDN is another matter.

HashtagShitShop · 20/01/2023 18:25

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:10

I’m not sure my partner works full time and it was enough previously so we didn’t even think to claim we just had wages, PIP and child benefit . When we were short each week I thought of this first maybe I should have thought of UC but I don’t know if we would qualify with a full time wage ? Maybe I should have done that instead. Part of me just wanted to get out of the house and work though

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Instead of guessing, run your figures through a benefits calculator www.entitledto.co.uk/organisations/benefits-calculator

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikechristma · 20/01/2023 18:25

There are some horrible commenters on this thread, makes me sick that you all think you are perfect, love to know some of the sneaky things you have all done!

Original poster
Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:25

TBOM · 20/01/2023 18:23

OMG you really seem to have a comprehension problem. I can 100% tell you that you have to tell them because it's a potential indicator of a change in condition. I have more than one family member claiming PIP and they absolutely had to do it, and were reassessed as a result. Neither lost their PIP. If what you say is true about not claiming for housework help, then why would you risk losing your PIP by not declaring it?

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I didn’t know that and it isn’t on the gov U.K. list. I will phone the citizens advice next week and ask them because it wasn’t on the official list so that’s why I didn’t think it wa necessary ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:26

HashtagShitShop · 20/01/2023 18:25

Instead of guessing, run your figures through a benefits calculator www.entitledto.co.uk/organisations/benefits-calculator

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Thank you I didn’t know you could do this

OP posts:
thing47 · 20/01/2023 18:27

Lenald · 20/01/2023 18:22

Because she’s earned all of her other clients and relies on them.

you’ve not earned anything and the fact she’s got other clients is irrelevant. What you’ve done is so wrong imo.

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Has she though? She only got OP's mum as a client because OP recommended her… And got the NDN because OP's mum recommended her. Not much earning going on there.

I'm not saying OP is blameless but the cleaner friend doesn't sound like a peach either. Imagine being so irate at a friend whom you know suffers several debilitating medical conditions that you begrudge her doing some work for her mum!

Freddiefox · 20/01/2023 18:28

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 17:14

That’s why I said in this instance surely family comes first ?

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Family comes first, I agree, but friends are important too. You made a choice to poach one of your friends Clients, you can’t expect her to be happy about it, or feel you are a good friend. You’ve made it clear where she stands in your circle and she’s chosen to step away from you. You didn’t have to say yes to the neighbour you could have advertised yourself and got other custom. But you didn’t and now you have one less friend.

woodhill · 20/01/2023 18:28

Why didn't you do the cleaning in the first place for your dm and ndn so they weren't your friend's clients

Original poster
Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:29

woodhill · 20/01/2023 18:28

Why didn't you do the cleaning in the first place for your dm and ndn so they weren't your friend's clients

We had enough money before but bills have gone up

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/01/2023 18:29

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:18

On my application I didn’t have to put anything about housework as I don’t struggle really I just can’t do ironing or cooking unsupervised which I don’t do at my mums .
my mum and ndn are both retired so I can change the days too if I’ve been unwell so it’s not a set day due to my conditions

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Yes, I saw the update about your condition after I posted. I know a number of people who recieve PIP and work full time, including VI and Deaf people and wheelchair users, also someone with a similar condition to yours where continence is an issue. Provided the actions you take when working are not related to the things you struggle with, it should be fine. It's definitely safest to tell DWP though, explaining exactly what you do and dont do, as if your friend does, your PIP could be suspended while they review it.

LotteLomax · 20/01/2023 18:32

You have not “poached” - she’s your Mum for goodness sake. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

ignore all these self-righteous nimbies.

your mother has a daughter in need and that’s all that counts.

Tallulah28 · 20/01/2023 18:33

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 17:42

No because I’m seeing how things go I’m case it’s too difficult . I don’t think it will affect it anyway as you can get PIP and work and I’m doing 4 hours a week so 2 hours at my mums then rest 2 hours then go to her ndn back to mums to rest then home

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It’s up to the PIP assessor surely to decide whether it affects your award or not.

unfortunateevents · 20/01/2023 18:33

*I don't know any of her other clients?
*
Well does she know that? How do you know that the NDN doesn't know some of them, and recommends you instead because you are a friend? I can understand why she is upset! Please at least don't take any more of her clients even if they are offered to you.

Original poster
Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:34

unfortunateevents · 20/01/2023 18:33

*I don't know any of her other clients?
*
Well does she know that? How do you know that the NDN doesn't know some of them, and recommends you instead because you are a friend? I can understand why she is upset! Please at least don't take any more of her clients even if they are offered to you.

I wouldn’t as it’s a struggle with 2 i couldn’t do any more

OP posts:
RayaRyder · 20/01/2023 18:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yummymummy2020 · 20/01/2023 18:35

Honestly, I wouldn’t even be annoyed if I were your friend. It’s your mum and her neighbour it’s not like you are canvassing her other customers doors🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s up to people who they want to clean their houses and I do agree the neighbour likely would have kept her if she thought she was good. Decent cleaners are like gold dust.

motherofawhirlwind · 20/01/2023 18:36

OP - AIBU?
Everyone - Yes!
OP - No, but.......

Why ask if you're prepared to accept the answer?!?

magicthree · 20/01/2023 18:36

I don't agree that "family comes first" in all situations, and employment is one of those situations. If I went to work and my boss told me they didn't require me any more because their child needed a job and they were going to give them mine I would be very angry - just because this is a cleaning job it doesn't make it any less wrong.

Original poster
Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:38

But it’s not on the official list of circumstances to notify them about and I’ve looked at my paperwork and it says nothing about if you start or stop working ?

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 20/01/2023 18:39

I don't see how your friend can be upset if you discussed all this with her in advance, or did you just let your mum fire her without any advance notice?

Tallulah28 · 20/01/2023 18:39

Pinkchenille · 20/01/2023 18:38

But it’s not on the official list of circumstances to notify them about and I’ve looked at my paperwork and it says nothing about if you start or stop working ?

So of you’re not worried then why not tell them. If I was your former friend I’d report you for this.

ThereIbledit · 20/01/2023 18:41

"Family comes first" applies if you had approached your mum asking to be her cleaner at the same time as your friend. What acually happened is that you helped your friend out by referring your mum to be her client, then later you took two clients away from her. Anybody would be upset in your friend's position.

I hope you feel that the income from your two clients is worth the loss of the friendship.