Driving myself mad, should I move back up north or not?

[Led92]

I’ve been in the south East for 15 years for work but I grew up up north. My siblings and parents are there.

We have a nice house in a nice area, with green spaces and good schools. There’s lots of clubs and activities for my 3 children and my eldest DD started a nice school this September.

My dh is now full time wfh and I have a meeting next week with my boss to discuss going formally to 2 days a month in the office when I return from maternity leave. Same pattern as him and what I was doing before maternity leave anyway. However it would limit my promotion opportunities as generally the more senior you are the more you need to be in the office.

It would mean we’d have an opportunity to move back up north. I’ve thought about it for years as I’m quite lonely here despite clubs and parties keeping us busy. I keep thinking about it. I’m a lot happier when I’m with family.

but… if they weren’t there I wouldn’t be moving back, the area is nice but it’s a bit dead. My siblings and I all moved away for work and are only able to make our way back through flexible working. I feel guilty taking my DD’s away from the south east, there’s so much going on here.

Also I don’t have savings spare for the stamp duty etc so we’d have to take £30K
out of the sale of the house to cover stamp duty, legal work and moving costs which seems like such a waste of money.

The disruption, money, impact on my job all seem significant but… you only get one life? DH is up for it if we could find the right house. And we’re up for February half term to see how it feels in an air bnb close to my sister.

What would you do?

yabu: forget the hassle, stay where you are and go up for holidays!

yanbu; move, you only live once.

Well it depends where…
You say about the area being a bit dead, I’d think a bit longer term. Will be fine for younger children but what about teenagers.
I live in a sleepy-ish corner of West Yorkshire and it’s beautiful and popular with walkers, however there is literally nothing for teenagers to do and does suffer slightly from a petty antisocial behaviour problem.

Where in the North? As a PP stated it makes a huge difference to the answers you will receive.

How close to you have to be to family? Is there a compromise where you move much nearer to them but in a more suitable/livelier area of the north (it's a big place!) for your family.

I think you're doing the right thing research-wise; hiring a short-term rental and seeing how it all feels. In the end, you're likely to get a better gut feel after this than anything anyone might say on mn!

However, reading between the lines of what you say, I'd be cautious about pulling your kids out from what sounds like full and connected lives, and into an area where they might not get as much/any of that. Describing your old area as 'a bit dead' is quite the giveaway.

I also think there's an element of 'wherever you go, there you are' about a lot of 'should we move?' questions. I don't mean that unkindly. But if you're lonely where you live now, you might end up lonely after you move too. Family isn't everything, and you have to infill your life with friends and mates too.

Maybe you don't need to move, maybe you need to plump out your social life a bit.

YANBU X

I often share this article www.cnbc.com/2020/05/22/people-who-choose-change-more-satisfied-with-decision-study.html . It's interesting but doesn't really account for the fact it's not just you making the decision.

I'm similar to you in that I live in the SE but come from up North. I thought about moving back a couple of years ago but didn't because my H is a hardened Southerner and the kids were just about to go to secondary school and I felt I would be completely responsible for making everyone happy and it was too difficult an upheaval. Now they have changed I wouldn't disrupt them but I must say there is barely a day that passes where I don't miss the North and wish I was living there instead quite honestly. If you're going, go now.

Incidentally, I think there's a fake discrepency between life in "the North" and "the South" when what people really mean is "where I grew up" compared to "where I am an incomer."

You could have been brought on the North Yorkshire Moors and move to central Manchester and hate it, or vice versa.

It’d be moving to west Wirral. It’s a lovely place for country walks and for nights out as a teenager I went to Liverpool or Chester but after graduating none of us could find graduate schemes or jobs there or in Liverpool and we all moved away.

DH is fairly relaxed about it all but would prefer to avoid the hassle.

local primary has two spaces currently in reception class. If we move it has to be before Jan 2025 when primarily application due for dd2 I am NOT risking two in year transfers. There are grammars where I live now and same on the Wirral!

I am holidaying with my sisters in Easter and May and that always makes me feel better for a while! I don’t make good friends too easily (do you after Uni?) and always have a laugh with my parents and sisters.
On maternity leave for dd3 and except for baby classes don’t really see anyone and it does get to me! Can’t say DH is really into chatty chats even though he’s a lovely fella!

Yes, possibly. But I would also say that there is a very small cultural difference between the North/South of England too, for example how forthright people are prepared to be, or how open during casual encounters.

But you're right that the main thing is a form of displacement. I feel so stupid saying that when people settle in countries on the other side of the world!! None the less, that is how it feels.

Oh West Wirral is lovely and loads going on in Liverpool etc for older children. I say do it if you can find the right house and stuff

If you're not bothered by the area beyond your family being there I probably wouldn't. But at least your DH seems open to it if you can't let it go.

you could move and then look for a new job with better promotion options.

I’ve looked at my same job up north but at my current level it’s about a 15% pay cut.
Our house would be a bit bigger on the Wirral so our council tax, heating bills would be more plus the commuting costs which I don’t have now. It’s doable but costs us another £400 a month which currently is savings/holidays.
West Wirral is lovely for walks and things but I find the Wirral a bit boring in winter and it gives me the ick my girls might go to same secondary as me, like arrested development!
But I don’t stop laughing with my sister, we’re best mates.

Its so hard to decide!!

I don’t see any positives for your move, tbh

I’d say stay where you are

After living in various other places, I raised my DC in the town I grew up in and they both attended schools I had been to. I can't see why this bothers you, unless your old school is now rubbish?! I quite like the fact my DC went to my old schools. There's a 30 year gap - they are not the same places - times have changed!

I think being on holiday with your sister is very different from day to day life.

But, it does sound like there are pros to moving. Yes you'll waste on stamp duty and moving costs, but the cost of living is lower in the north so it may pay for itself in time, depending on what choices you make.

Thinking longer term:

1. Are you sure that the flexible working arrangements will stay? Would be awful if you move and then your company decides it wants everyone in the office.
2. Will there be opportunities for career progression, either in the Wirral, or through remote working? You don't want to be stuck in the same job for 15 years.
3. Is the new area good for teenagers? Is there a good train to liverpool for example?

Sounds like your kids are settled where they are. If you get on well enough with your sisters to holiday together then that’s the best of both worlds … spend holidays with them but keep your own base. Your kids can holiday with cousins too when they are older. But when they are teens it’s about them really I think

I would go for it.
Family is important. And you may not always want to be going to clubs and parties.

As with most things in life, never go back. There's a reason you left.

Isn't there somewhere nearer your family that is less dead, great train service to look at instead.

You don't have to buy a bigger house just so because you can afford one, surely it would be better to do reduce your mortgage instead?

What’s the job market in your and DH’s fields like now?

If your current job was made redundant or you left, would you be able to find another one within commuting distance - or would you be able to push for wfh?

It seems family is important to you, so I vote move.

I am having a similar dilemma so I know it’s a hard decision to make!

You sound similar to me in how you have described yourself and your circumstances. We made the move back to my home town about 3 months ago. i worries about taking the kids from SE opportunities and the grammar schools but it was the best decision we have made. my DH was easy going but preference to stay SE and he says he is pleased seeing me so much happier. my advice is do it!!!

I think I would be able to find a job especially as many now advertised as hybrid but the pay is at least 15% less. Also West Wirral isn’t cheaper. House prices the same, childcare costs the same, and we’d have commuting to add in top. So whilst we have two in full time childcare I can’t really afford such a cut. I’d have to be made redundant and use the redundancy money to plug the take home gap (though if I was made redundant not sure the jobs would still exist as think it’d have to be hard times)!

If my boss agrees the new working pattern it’d be submitted as a formal flexible work request and become part of my contract.
When my children are at school (5 years). then my childcare costs would be much lower. I’d look for a job locally.

Where we’d propose to move to it’s 40
minutes by bus to Chester or Liverpool so that’s alright for teenagers I think. I looked at living in Chester but the schools aren’t as good and any further away it becomes silly to move for family and be over 40 minutes away from them!

We can’t really downsize part of the pros of the move would be a slightly bigger house and as a family of 5 I feel we could easily outgrow our current one.

I might see how Feb half term goes then just take things one step at a time. It’s not half term up so we’ll have to entertain ourselves in the day and see sister/cousins at weekend or evenings so that’s be more what it’s like living there.

Our house has lost £40k in a valuation from last year which is okay as long as they fall on the Wirral too which I’m not sure they are…

I don’t know why I feel funny about my DD’s going to same school as me, I just remember an awkward adolescence and not much going on and I want them to have more than that. But then I’ll probably get them in a few clubs and probably take them out a bit more myself, my parents didn’t really have money for any of that.

How will you feel when your parents are elderly? It's worth thinking about. It will be tough being so far away then.
Also your children will form wonderful relationships with their grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins.