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Original poster

Was what he did justified?

154 replies

1999its · 18/01/2023 22:09

DP and I have been seeing each other again after 5/6 months apart and I'm really enjoying my time with him.

We had an argument today about what has previously happened between us. We almost ended because of this argument. It got heated and I got emotional and raised my voice, which I shouldn't have.

Long story short:

I got pregnant after the relationship was essentially over. We weren't officially together anymore and hadn't been for just under two weeks but were still seeing each other every day, having sex, going on dates etc.

I told him the news over the phone. Less than 24hrs after finding out he came round and told me he was abandoning and the baby if I kept it, that was it, no conversation. He didn't ask me if I was okay.

I had said I needed to find out how far along I was before I made a decision. I never said I had any intention to keep the baby.

I told him to go to hell and told him to leave, I was probably shouting. I also said I was going to call him mum, so he called her first.

His family blocked me on everything. I didn't hear anything for a month. He resurfaces and asks if I've kept it or not. Says that he does want to be involved and did all along but he wanted me to feel like I had no choice but to terminate. I told him to fuck off.

I was mentally through the floor. There was a lot of swearing and "you're a piece of shit" types texts from me.

I miscarried and then got a severe infection following. All very scary and messy. We weren't in contact at this point, I felt so alone.

His perspective:

He doesn't feel that what he did was selfish. He said he did care about me in the situation, that he loved me.

He did it because he had an inkling I'd keep the baby, he says he still thinks that was my intention. He said that he had to weigh up between doing a horrible thing or having a baby ruin our lives and our families life. He said he had to take an extreme measure.

He says that guys do this all the time and say things like "I won't have anything to do with that baby" so he's not in a minority and it's not some crazy, left field thing that he's done.

I could well be overreacting to the situation. I would like the perspective of outsiders and I'm prepared to get flamed. Should I accept his reasons and let it lie?

I have forgiven him. It's important for me in all my relationships in life to forgive and not hold onto things. But it still hurts.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 19/01/2023 03:46

Why do you want to be with someone who is willing to abandon their child and its mother? Most women wouldn't even date someone who had done that to someone else.

pictoosh · 19/01/2023 05:37

Why why WHY would you seek to rationalise his outrageous shitty behaviour so you can keep him on?
Are you desperate?

No, of course you're not. He's messing with your sensibilities. Fuck him right off.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 19/01/2023 05:48

1999its · 18/01/2023 22:09

DP and I have been seeing each other again after 5/6 months apart and I'm really enjoying my time with him.

We had an argument today about what has previously happened between us. We almost ended because of this argument. It got heated and I got emotional and raised my voice, which I shouldn't have.

Long story short:

I got pregnant after the relationship was essentially over. We weren't officially together anymore and hadn't been for just under two weeks but were still seeing each other every day, having sex, going on dates etc.

I told him the news over the phone. Less than 24hrs after finding out he came round and told me he was abandoning and the baby if I kept it, that was it, no conversation. He didn't ask me if I was okay.

I had said I needed to find out how far along I was before I made a decision. I never said I had any intention to keep the baby.

I told him to go to hell and told him to leave, I was probably shouting. I also said I was going to call him mum, so he called her first.

His family blocked me on everything. I didn't hear anything for a month. He resurfaces and asks if I've kept it or not. Says that he does want to be involved and did all along but he wanted me to feel like I had no choice but to terminate. I told him to fuck off.

I was mentally through the floor. There was a lot of swearing and "you're a piece of shit" types texts from me.

I miscarried and then got a severe infection following. All very scary and messy. We weren't in contact at this point, I felt so alone.

His perspective:

He doesn't feel that what he did was selfish. He said he did care about me in the situation, that he loved me.

He did it because he had an inkling I'd keep the baby, he says he still thinks that was my intention. He said that he had to weigh up between doing a horrible thing or having a baby ruin our lives and our families life. He said he had to take an extreme measure.

He says that guys do this all the time and say things like "I won't have anything to do with that baby" so he's not in a minority and it's not some crazy, left field thing that he's done.

I could well be overreacting to the situation. I would like the perspective of outsiders and I'm prepared to get flamed. Should I accept his reasons and let it lie?

I have forgiven him. It's important for me in all my relationships in life to forgive and not hold onto things. But it still hurts.

You've forgiven him?

For gaslighting you in an attempt to force an abortion?

That is not love it's at best control and at worse narcissistic abuse.

He's a horrible person justifying with 'all men do it...' which by the way, they don't.

It's not just about forgiving him in my mind it is about saddling yourself with a such a useless, uncaring, self slcentred prick for any length of time.

It wouldn't be my choice.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 19/01/2023 05:51

1999its · 18/01/2023 22:14

He has apologised and acknowledged it must've been hard for me.

He's acknowledged it must have been hard for you?

When he attempted to force you to have an abortion through emotional manipulation and withdrawal of affection? When he continued to abandon you emotionally and physically while you suffered a complicated miscarriage?

Well that's very big of him.....

Absolutely the fuck not love! He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

Shoxfordian · 19/01/2023 06:16

No it wasn’t justified - why are you giving this man any of your time at all? Find some counselling, have some self respect and dump him op.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 19/01/2023 06:33

Takenoprisoner · 18/01/2023 22:17

You're underreacting. He's an awful disgusting human being who abandoned you at your most vulnerable. I struggle to understand how you can feel anything positive towards him, let alone let him back into your life and be intimate with him.

I'm so sorry for everything you went through with him and the miscarriage. You really need counselling to work out why you've gone back to him. I couldn't bear to look at someone who left me in that state, and I think that's a healthier response. For some reason, you are not protecting yourself against this man who has caused you such anguish and pain.

100%. You had a truly horrible experience but at least he showed you his true colours (together with those of his family) so you know never to go there again.

NEmama · 19/01/2023 06:35

What a catch, I mean cunt

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 06:36

I think you’re mad to go back to him

Glorianna · 19/01/2023 06:56

Is this what passes for love these days? This isn’t love, OP. This man will keep hurting you.

You have been warned.

yousmellnice · 19/01/2023 06:59

Why on earth have you got back with him?

yousmellnice · 19/01/2023 07:00

1999its · 18/01/2023 22:14

He has apologised and acknowledged it must've been hard for me.

Oh right that's ok then..

Come on. You're better than this.

Marigoldandivy · 19/01/2023 07:03

You deserve better than this man.

BMrs · 19/01/2023 07:04

You are not overreacting. Run for the hills!!

Maggie178 · 19/01/2023 07:34

He treated you appallingly. He thinks he's not in the wrong. He'll do it again. Maybe you love you him and it's hard to let him go but for you're wellbeing and happiness you need to.

Typo22 · 19/01/2023 07:40

He is scum. Don't waste your life with this loser.

billy1966 · 19/01/2023 08:01

He is utter and complete scum.

He has showed you that he is completely comfortable treating you so badly.

God help you that you are so confused that you think this loser is all you deserve.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you find some self esteem and respect for yourself.

You have an utterly sad wasted future ahead of you if scum like him and his family are all you think you deserve.

Dump and block.

Naunet · 19/01/2023 08:08

He’s a nasty PoS, and his family are trash. Don’t you think you deserve a man who treats you with respect and kindness?

NoMoreLifts · 19/01/2023 08:20

Everything everyone said, already, in detail.

I'm only posting cos it feels like need to hear it again.

He is a shit, he treats you like shit, and justifies it.

Life has hard bits. Don't saddle yourself with someone who has already shown you how he'll manage those (by threatening you, lying to you, using you for sex, leaving you to deal with it alone and only coming back - for sex - when the hard thing over).

He's given you the gift of prescience here - take note and act accordingly. Protect yourself.

Giggorata · 19/01/2023 08:33

This man is a piece of shit.
That is all.

Workinghardeveryday · 19/01/2023 08:46

@1999its its hard isn’t it when you still love him to get your head around this situation.

He hurt you dreadfully but for some reason you had him back. Ask yourself why? Do you think you can’t do better? Do you actually believe deep down he is sorry (probably not or you wouldn’t be posting about it). You want to move on and be happy with him yes?

Not going to happen… You will never forget what he has done. You can pretend to yourself you have, but you won’t. What he did was utterly disgusting. As they say on here, he has shown you who he is, believe him..

So if in the future you accidentally fall pregnant, then what? Ah that’s right, you already know how that will pan out.

Sorry you have been through all of this. No one should have to. Have more respect for yourself and move on. He will not bring you happiness x

WhenDovesFly · 19/01/2023 08:52

I haven't read every page of responses as I'm certain most, if not all, will echo what's been written on page 1.

OP, if you want to accept his apology and forgive him for the sake of your own mental health then do so, but I'm with everyone else who has said don't go back to this man. Why would you give him the chance to do this to you again?

No, his behaviour was not justified and what he did was despicable. I personally couldn't rekindle a relationship with someone who had treated me so badly. I hope you come to see that you're worth so much more than this.

stevalnamechanger · 19/01/2023 08:54

Sorry I'm going to be harsh here

How can you take someone back who behaved like that , you deserve better

Woman up and get rid sorry

Patineur · 19/01/2023 09:18

ComfortablyDazed · 19/01/2023 02:22

If he didn't want a child, he should have kept his trousers on.

Sorry, but this argument is shit. We don’t say that to women facing an unwanted pregnant.

I’m not defending him (assuming he’s even real 🙄), but this argument ^^ holds no water.

No, it isn't. As a man, if you don't want a child, either you don't have sex or you use reliable contraception. What you do not do is bully the mother into an abortion.

inloveandmarried · 19/01/2023 09:24

Horrific.

He'd never cross my threshold ever again.

Do not have so little self esteem that you take him back. Yes, let it go if that is how you need to think but do not enter into a relationship with this person again.

He's shown his true personality. Despicable. He won't change, they don't. What he's show you are his core values.

Find a decent partner.

DottyLittleRainbow · 19/01/2023 09:55

I think you’ve posted about this before.

His behaviour was abusive, he was trying to coerce you into a termination and left you to deal with your miscarriage alone. It’s even worse that you’re back together even though he doesn’t accept any responsibility for his actions being wrong, huge red flag.

Dump and run. You deserve better.