Was what he did justified?

[1999its]

DP and I have been seeing each other again after 5/6 months apart and I'm really enjoying my time with him.

We had an argument today about what has previously happened between us. We almost ended because of this argument. It got heated and I got emotional and raised my voice, which I shouldn't have.

Long story short:

I got pregnant after the relationship was essentially over. We weren't officially together anymore and hadn't been for just under two weeks but were still seeing each other every day, having sex, going on dates etc.

I told him the news over the phone. Less than 24hrs after finding out he came round and told me he was abandoning and the baby if I kept it, that was it, no conversation. He didn't ask me if I was okay.

I had said I needed to find out how far along I was before I made a decision. I never said I had any intention to keep the baby.

I told him to go to hell and told him to leave, I was probably shouting. I also said I was going to call him mum, so he called her first.

His family blocked me on everything. I didn't hear anything for a month. He resurfaces and asks if I've kept it or not. Says that he does want to be involved and did all along but he wanted me to feel like I had no choice but to terminate. I told him to fuck off.

I was mentally through the floor. There was a lot of swearing and "you're a piece of shit" types texts from me.

I miscarried and then got a severe infection following. All very scary and messy. We weren't in contact at this point, I felt so alone.

His perspective:

He doesn't feel that what he did was selfish. He said he did care about me in the situation, that he loved me.

He did it because he had an inkling I'd keep the baby, he says he still thinks that was my intention. He said that he had to weigh up between doing a horrible thing or having a baby ruin our lives and our families life. He said he had to take an extreme measure.

He says that guys do this all the time and say things like "I won't have anything to do with that baby" so he's not in a minority and it's not some crazy, left field thing that he's done.

I could well be overreacting to the situation. I would like the perspective of outsiders and I'm prepared to get flamed. Should I accept his reasons and let it lie?

I have forgiven him. It's important for me in all my relationships in life to forgive and not hold onto things. But it still hurts.

This is your warning sign. Don't ignore it or you'll set yourself up for a life of misery and disappointment.

At every vulnerable and stressful moment, he'll treat you like absolute shit.

You will be such much better off without him.

I don't even understand his argument.. seems to be just telling you that if you have the baby he'll dump you, then he dumps you, then what... is that some sort of test?
Anyway he sounds horrible.
And what is this?
"I got pregnant after the relationship was essentially over. We weren't officially together anymore and hadn't been for just under two weeks but were still seeing each other every day, having sex, going on dates etc."
In what way was the relationship over?
Is this him justifying him dumping you when he found out you were pregnant?
He's no prince, is he?
Run, run, run.

He said all those horrible things to you about his baby! It was his baby too...
this is not supportive or loving.
What type of man do you want in your life?
No one wants this
Be strong now and do what's right... sounds like you've got years of pain ahead of you if you stay with him

OK, you've forgiven him. Now move on and block him. He's basically saying he emotionally blackmailed you into not keeping a baby because it would have ruined his and hsi family's life. Why the fuck would it have ruined his FAMILY'S life??

Seriously, you have to deserve more.

So according to him, he manipulated you because he thought you weren't smart enough to participate in a decision about your future. He made an uninformed assumption about your intentions and acted on it to force your hand in a very complicated and potentially life-changing decision about your future. He's not capable of being a good partner to you as he doesn't see you as an equal, or even as a full person. And he seems to still believe that. Do you?

He says that guys do this all the time and say things like "I won't have anything to do with that baby" so he's not in a minority and it's not some crazy, left field thing that he's done. Unfortunately, some men do say that. They're called deadbeat dads. If they do it to manipulate their partner/baby mama into having an abotion, they're also probably misogynists. If he hasn't always been like this, it's possible he's been radicalised on some incel/MRA/AWA platorm online; the rhetoric sounds like it.

I'm curious, though: why are you seeing him again? You were already broken up even before his bizzarro pregnancy stuff; why get back together? Were the issues that caused the original breakup fully resolved?

He's a scumbag pal

It's so depressing to hear what some women will accept.

If you stay with him, you deserve him.

You can't be this desperate to have a man in your life. Get rid and never look back.

He sounds like a right catch....

What’s the plan if you get pregnant again?

Does he get to shit on you twice?

I think you might have posted about this relationship before, if so I’m really sorry to read that you’re still in it. Forgiveness is important for healing, but you can forgive someone to let go of the toxicity and havoc they wreaked without being with them or having contact with them - forgiveness in this context is for your benefit and not for theirs.

You know he wasn’t justified. I think you also know he is deeply abusive. Abuse is about control and what he is doing is maintain that control over you.

I really recommend that you take some time to (discreetly) read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (you can download it on the kindle app) Consider what you want your life to be like and how you want to feel. Imagine if you had a daughter - how would you want her to be treated? What would you want her to feel and experience in her life because of your situation?

It isn’t easy, but what he is doing is not very subtle. He has shown you exactly who he is - try and take it on board. He will behave this way whoever he is with - you can’t save him and he won’t treat anyone else any differently either.

There is absolutely no planet on which I would be with a person who did that. I am actually floored by what I've just read. You can DEFINITELY do better.

Get rid of him

what in the actual fuck have i just read

he done to protect you and the families-so what did he tell his family it was just a joke dont worry about it

hes a nasty piece of shit and thats putting it midly-scum is a better word

Well that's big of him (!)

You were on the right track with "he's a piece of sh*t". No coming back from this.

Get rid. Please.

This pathetic excuse of a man abused you and abandoned you when you were at your most vulnerable. He turned his entire family aGainst you. He freely admits this and shows no remorse, no regret, no responsibility.

Get rid.

I fell pregnant after three months of shagging a guy when I was 20. He came over to my house, I told him I was pregnant, he held my hand, asked if I was okay then said he needed to think. He contacted me a few days later saying that he didn't want to keep the baby, it's not the life he had planned to have a child so young with someone he wasn't with but that he would be there for me and the baby if I decided to keep it. I decided to keep the baby.

That baby is now 9 and he was true to his word, he was there for me throughout my full pregnancy, as was his family. And he is the most amazing dad to our daughter, he has her three nights a week at his house, loves her to absolute pieces, puts her first before anything, is there for her at the drop of a hat, pays child maintenance when technically he doesn't have to, pays for all her after school activities, helps and encourages her to learn and never misses things like shows/parents nights and our daughter would NEVER have any idea he ever felt like he didn't want her.

My god we've had our moments, but that guy stepped up to his responsibilities whilst still maintaining his own boundaries at TWENTY YEARS OLD!!

Not sure how old you are but regardless, the example above is a man, the example you have put is a coward and a bully who doesn't understand that sex causes pregnancy.

Nope. He is an absolute tosser and has shown you this in the worst possible way.

I’m really sorry for what you have been through. I hope you are mending.

But if you get back with him, that one’s on you. Walk away.

You’re an idiot to stay with him. Sorry but there’s no way to dress it up.

“I got pregnant after the relationship was essentially over. We weren't officially together anymore and hadn't been for just under two weeks but were still seeing each other every day, having sex, going on dates etc.”

What are you, 15? Still having sex and going out on dates IS being together! And no proper contraception even though you were still having sex? His entire family and Prince Charming ditched you (horribly) when you were pregnant but you think this is all peachy now?

You both sound incredibly immature and irresponsible tbh. I wonder what future you see with this abusive prick who only came sniffing around after a tragic loss? What happens if you get pregnant again?

Ugh. Seem to be a lot of posts that read like a script from Shameless just lately.
Have some bloody self respect OP.

Dump. AGAIN.

I can't even imagine how shit your childhood was for you to even consider being with this man. You must be so desperate for a relationship that even this piece of shit will do. This man is trash.

His behaviour was absolutely abhorrent.

"He doesn't feel that what he did was selfish." Abandoning someone when they're going through something difficult because of what you want is pretty much the definition of selfish.

"He said he did care about me in the situation, that he loved me." Love is action not words. You don't treat someone you 'love' like that

"He did it because he had an inkling I'd keep the baby, he says he still thinks that was my intention. He said that he had to weigh up between doing a horrible thing or having a baby ruin our lives and our families life. He said he had to take an extreme measure". He had choices over his behaviour. He could have made it clear that he didnt want the baby, and wouldn't be part of its life, without cutting contact or getting his family to block you. He could have spoken to you about his feelings and fears and helped you make a decision. Instead he played games and tried to use emotional manipulation to get you to do what he thought was best for him alone

I dont think any of this is in any way forgivable

Just to be clear absolutely nothing could ever justify this behaviour

He's trash. I hope you realise that soon.