Page 9 | AIBU to not discuss my life story at work?

HangryBerd · 2023-01-18T22:01:46+00:00

My work is conducting training which tells us that we need to share our life stories, disclose what makes us "us", be vulnerable, share our emotions. If we don't, we are told that we're being anti-inclusion. My colleagues and manager are therefore having a go at me for being too private. I'm finding this really upsetting as I'll chat to anyone about many things but there are aspects that are very difficult to talk about. They're nothing to do with work and quite frankly nobody else's business. AIBU to stand my ground?

MyCreation · 19/01/2023 07:20

I can’t see how any workplace thinks this is ok, apart from perhaps for someone training to be a counsellor. I’d quote what piffpaffpoff said or tell them that your life story has taught you the importance of firm and healthy boundaries and in which situations it is appropriate to be asked to tell it.

Or make up something absolutely bonkers:
I was born in 1986, a longed for daughter after 12 sons. My parents had been on the run for 5 years after holding up a bank in order to buy PlayStations to keep my brothers quiet, while they worked as contract killers for a London gang called The Evil Ones. At the age of 10 my parents escaped their clutches and after a week stowed away in the bowels of a cargo ship, we were taken in by a remote indigenous group in Papua New Guinea. We were safe there as The Evil Ones had no idea where Papua New Guinea was as they were thick as mince and only good for beating the shit out of anyone who owed them money or gave them ‘a funny look’

Our life in PNG was amazing . We lived as hunter gatherers and my aim with an arrow dipped in curare is legendary. To this day my DH stands slack jawed in disbelief while I fire volleys into anyone who upsets me and we have never had a problem with cats shitting on our lawn. I can even despatch an arrow right into the middle of a rapidly scuttling spider . At the age of 25 I decided I needed to broaden my horizons. I left my family and my beloved community in PNG to seek my fortune in Sheffield . After a short period working as a professional darts player, on a whim I applied for a job as an admin assistant at a local domestic flooring firm. For the first time in my life I felt the softness of a 100% wool carpet under my feet and never looked back. I married Jack, a sales assistant at the same company and in no time at all I found myself living a life of total mediocrity. We are however planning on sticking out our respective shitty jobs for as long as it takes to set up our own sheep farm where we plan to weave 100% wool carpets and run a sideline in pest control.

Goodread1 · 19/01/2023 07:23

Hi Op

Only reveal with what you feel comfortable with to your work place get to know setting.

Don't feel emotionally blackmailed or feel manipulatived into revealing too much about yourself you feel uncomfortabled /exposed in any way.

I was wondering what type of work role you are doing,
The only thing that I feel this type of idea 💡 thing this could be relevant would I f. you were in a training Counselling therapist to be session or refresher workshop , or mental health Advocacy/psychology kind of work setting,
And even then you should only reveal with you feel comfortable still with.

WandaWonder · 19/01/2023 07:25

MyCreation · 19/01/2023 07:20

I can’t see how any workplace thinks this is ok, apart from perhaps for someone training to be a counsellor. I’d quote what piffpaffpoff said or tell them that your life story has taught you the importance of firm and healthy boundaries and in which situations it is appropriate to be asked to tell it.

Or make up something absolutely bonkers:
I was born in 1986, a longed for daughter after 12 sons. My parents had been on the run for 5 years after holding up a bank in order to buy PlayStations to keep my brothers quiet, while they worked as contract killers for a London gang called The Evil Ones. At the age of 10 my parents escaped their clutches and after a week stowed away in the bowels of a cargo ship, we were taken in by a remote indigenous group in Papua New Guinea. We were safe there as The Evil Ones had no idea where Papua New Guinea was as they were thick as mince and only good for beating the shit out of anyone who owed them money or gave them ‘a funny look’

Our life in PNG was amazing . We lived as hunter gatherers and my aim with an arrow dipped in curare is legendary. To this day my DH stands slack jawed in disbelief while I fire volleys into anyone who upsets me and we have never had a problem with cats shitting on our lawn. I can even despatch an arrow right into the middle of a rapidly scuttling spider . At the age of 25 I decided I needed to broaden my horizons. I left my family and my beloved community in PNG to seek my fortune in Sheffield . After a short period working as a professional darts player, on a whim I applied for a job as an admin assistant at a local domestic flooring firm. For the first time in my life I felt the softness of a 100% wool carpet under my feet and never looked back. I married Jack, a sales assistant at the same company and in no time at all I found myself living a life of total mediocrity. We are however planning on sticking out our respective shitty jobs for as long as it takes to set up our own sheep farm where we plan to weave 100% wool carpets and run a sideline in pest control.

You have said a milliontimes better than I was thinking but totally what you said

I am an open book till I am made to be then if you try and 'interrogate' me you will get a version of the above

Twiglets1 · 19/01/2023 07:26

So much for being "inclusive" - they are borderline bullying you for being a private person! It's so ironic that they can clearly do the training but have no idea of what being inclusive really means - celebrating the differences between people, not trying to make people feel bad for being "different"

WigglyGlowWorm · 19/01/2023 07:30

You could have fun with this and make it utterly ridiculous.

You- I get all my shopping in Harrods food hall and wouldn’t dream of going anywhere else

Annoying manager- But I saw you in Asda last week

You- You were clearly mistaken. I’m an identical quintuplet and it must have been one of my sisters

Annoying manager- But you said you were an only child

You could go on and on…

holierthanthou73 · 19/01/2023 07:37

I hate over sharing in the office, my manager does it and I find it so cringey

Constanthandcream · 19/01/2023 07:37

My work does this annoying “bring your self to work thing”. I think its because my manager is bored and is trying to find a way to make work more interesting. I hate it and I hate forced intimacy!

I don’t want to share mine and I don’t want to listen to other peoples. I hate the way work is now used as a substitute counsellor and we are supposed to solve everyone’s mental health problems. I will always be sympathetic to people at work and supportive but in a work appropriate way. I don’t mind doing a bit extra to help a colleague out but I don’t want to hear their problems. It used to be that you were just told so and so needs some time off and you didn’t pry. Nowadays people just gossip under the guise of being supportive, I hate it!

If friendship happens at work organically I am fine with confiding in people but I resent being forced to care about everyone!!!!!

PurpleParrotfish · 19/01/2023 07:42

ThirtyThreeTrees · 18/01/2023 23:47

We went through a phase of this nonsense about 5 years ago. "Bring your while self to work".

Our entire team refused to do it. In the end HR got a group letter signed by all of us stating that as a team we had huge respect for each others privacy, did not want to put anyone in a position of vulnerable, stress or scrutiny.

We also highlighted that such an exercise would have a negative impact on morale, possible reopen trauma for people and a strong concern that it may lead to an increase in sick leave and absenteeism.

We ended saying that the exercise was portrayed as an opportunity to increase team bonding and that it had achieved it's objective given we were absolutely united on this matter and would not be participating.

I don't even think we got a reply but it was dropped.

You are well within your rights to refuse to do it. If they do accept it, annual leave or sick leave are an option.

If I were you OP I would ask in writing what risk assessment they had done on the mental health impact on employees caused by pressurising them to disclose trauma publicly. You could say that a policy of harassing people unwilling to disclose is clearly discriminating against those who have past or current experience of mental Illness, domestic abuse, sexual violence, recent miscarriage, recent bereavement, loss of a family member by suicide, racism or serious bullying at work. Among other traumas.

ChungusBoi · 19/01/2023 07:45

This is a very good point @PurpleParrotfish

NeedToChangeName · 19/01/2023 07:48

ThereIbledit · 18/01/2023 23:25

Another useful phrase to use against the terminally woke is "this conversation is making me feel unsafe"

Or,

"There may be people in the room who haven't yet come out (as transgender, as gay or lesbian etc). Nobody should be forced to come out unless they are ready and they feel safe to. I'm going to model what safe consensual disclosure looks like. As such I thank you for respecting my NO."

"I have already said I don't feel comfortable sharing that with you. I think we ought to review what consent and boundaries means in order for this to remain an inclusive workplace, don't you?" [show them the tea and consent video].

@ThereIbledit Great advice

And for those not familiar with the tea / consent video, here is a link

Goodread1 · 19/01/2023 07:49

Hi

How do you know you or anybody else your deepest or darkest emotional baggage stuff could be used to your distant age by the wrong type of person, a Gossip /a Narastistic type , a maladaptive personality disorders type...

Like I said before in previous post,

How relevant is to your work role setting, for e.g are you working in mental health field ect then ?

Even then your workplace should be allways respectful/Aware of everybody's has different personal emotional baggage of how much /what kind of stuff they are willing/comfortable to reveal about themselves,

There is such thing allways and should be ethics of codes in workplaces ect

Goodread1 · 19/01/2023 07:50

Ethics of codes practices

PrincessScarlett · 19/01/2023 07:52

I can see how it MIGHT be a good thing in a small work situation where everyone is on very good terms and trust one another implicitly. However, in my experience of working in more than one corporate office, in such training situations you are flung together with random people from other departments, some of whom you have never met before. Not only would your private life become office gossip but HR would have your card marked with anything divulged which may become useful to them in the future.

It's great that one or two posters have commented to say sharing their private life at work is a good thing but in the majority of work situations this is just a no go. And you only have to read some of the threads on here about nightmare work colleagues to see that.

Conkersinautumn · 19/01/2023 07:55

I genuinely struggle to be 'vulnerable' in relationships and with long term friends. This would honestly trigger panic for me, wtaf is your company on?

NeedToChangeName · 19/01/2023 07:56

GoTeamRocket · 19/01/2023 06:45

I thibk this sort of inclusivity is shit. But it is an 'easy win' for an organisation rather than solving difficult problems such as the equal pay gap, and a lack of diversity at management and exec levels.

If you are brave enough, I would say "I am a very introverted person and I think training such as this is not inclusive to people like me. I have had steepless nights ahead of this training. This has made me feel very upset and vulnerable".

@GoTeamRocket good advice. This kind of training is designed for extroverts who have had an easy life

Northernsouloldies · 19/01/2023 07:59

Remember the days of doing your job and getting paid. No daft courses, ice breakers, remember one was to find out out if u were red, blue or yellow personality. Why!! N those course providers ain't cheap.

FindingMeno · 19/01/2023 07:59

Stand your ground or make it up.
I'd lose my job if I told the truth!!!!

Shelby2010 · 19/01/2023 08:00

Of course you don’t have to share any personal details that you don’t want to.

I would be happy to describe my family (ie husband, 2 children, DC ages etc). And then hobbies. I might stretch that to where I grew up & where I lived after that. Maybe talk about where I went on holiday if I haven’t used up my ‘slot’. The only difficult situations I would be happy describing is when they’ve happened at work eg dealing with difficult customers.

On the other hand it would be good to give vague hints about a story involving a famous celebrity or a member of the government. Get them hooked & then say you can’t tell the rest due to signing a non-disclosure agreement. Channel Nessa from Gavin & Stacey for this one!

LemonBounce · 19/01/2023 08:01

Anti inclusion is forcing people to disclose. It's a choice!

Iateallthechips · 19/01/2023 08:05

Fucking hell. A job is just a job.

I got hauled into a managers office at a job once for not being open and engaged enough with the team.

Did I do my actual job well? Was I good with clients? Yes.

So what was the problem?

I went to work, kept my head down, did the work I was supposed to do and went home. None of the other bullshit and I would certainly not share private details of my life with other members of staff.

Tricolette · 19/01/2023 08:07

Sounds horrendous OP.
I'm known as a chatterbox but what I talk about tends to be superficial.
There are some traumatic events in my life which sit safely in a box in my head.
And that's where they're going to stay.

Twiglets1 · 19/01/2023 08:07

PurpleParrotfish · 19/01/2023 07:42

If I were you OP I would ask in writing what risk assessment they had done on the mental health impact on employees caused by pressurising them to disclose trauma publicly. You could say that a policy of harassing people unwilling to disclose is clearly discriminating against those who have past or current experience of mental Illness, domestic abuse, sexual violence, recent miscarriage, recent bereavement, loss of a family member by suicide, racism or serious bullying at work. Among other traumas.

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Yes exactly - turn it back on them to make them see that what they are doing is discriminatory and wrong. Fine if people want to share, but it has to be a choice

Iateallthechips · 19/01/2023 08:08

I’m not introverted either - I just don’t feel the need to discuss my personal with people I just work for the same company for.

Shock horror, work is just a means to get money. I have no interest in anything else to do with it.

TeaFagsand · 19/01/2023 08:09

Piffpaffpoff · 18/01/2023 22:03

Stand your ground. Or say what makes you you is your sense of privacy and leave it there.

Sorted!

They're being nosy bastards at best. At worst they're looking for leverage to manipulate you as it's classic con artist behaviour: to pretend to share a confidence to elicit one from you to later use it to their advantage.

If they won't drop it lie through your back teeth. Keep your privacy that way.

Twiglets1 · 19/01/2023 08:09

Shelby2010 · 19/01/2023 08:00

Of course you don’t have to share any personal details that you don’t want to.

I would be happy to describe my family (ie husband, 2 children, DC ages etc). And then hobbies. I might stretch that to where I grew up & where I lived after that. Maybe talk about where I went on holiday if I haven’t used up my ‘slot’. The only difficult situations I would be happy describing is when they’ve happened at work eg dealing with difficult customers.

On the other hand it would be good to give vague hints about a story involving a famous celebrity or a member of the government. Get them hooked & then say you can’t tell the rest due to signing a non-disclosure agreement. Channel Nessa from Gavin & Stacey for this one!

Lol - love Nessa and her celebrity stories like her and "John" (Prescott)