Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little hurt

92 replies

LadyLucksters · 17/01/2023 23:39

DH’s family have always been quite cold towards me. I won’t go in to lots of detail, but in essence, in the whole 25 years of knowing them, i’ve never really felt accepted as part of the family. This hurts me greatly.

This year, lots of people in DH’s family have ‘big’ birthdays. Normally, there is a big whip round to buy a special/joint gift on these ‘big’ occasions, and DH and I always contribute generously to these.

I was the first of the big birthdays this year, and a week on, I have received a card from one member of the family, a small, but thoughtful gift from another, and messages (from some family members) on the family chat group. I honestly didn’t think much of the absence of the cards/gifts, as I still had a lovely time. Today, however, I am being sent pictures of all the thoughtful gifts / flowers, etc that have been sent from each of my ILs to the next big birthday person (who also married into the family), with gushing thanks from them about how blessed they are and how loved they feel.

AIBU to feel hurt? It’s honestly not the lack of gifts, so much as the lack of thought. Perhaps I’m being hypersensitive, but I feel like it’s a reflection of how they feel about me… nothing! (or maybe worse?)

We have a big birthday pretty much every couple of months this year in DH’s family - the next one being the equivalent of mine. I’m expecting to be invited into a collective fund for this one, which of course I will contribute to, and of course, I won’t mention the absence of mine, but honestly, how can I move past how hurtful this is? I don’t want to be eaten up with it. Any lived advice gratefully received!

FWIW, I have a wonderful DH and three wonderful children. I do know that I am blessed in other (more important) ways.

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 17/01/2023 23:43

Why hasn't your DH said something to his family?
I would not be contributing again.

Original poster
LadyLucksters · 17/01/2023 23:46

Thank you for responding. I’m not sure what DH would say to them? “Please buy Lucksters a gift because she buys you?” I guess they might do, but it’s the thought, isn’t it? I genuinely don’t care for gifts. I just feel hurt by (what seems to be) rejection.

OP posts:
yousexybugger · 17/01/2023 23:48

Who organises the collections, is it the birthday person's spouse usually? Just wondered whether your DH wasn't organising it where others are doing so.

If not then I would stop contributing. If anyone asks why then just be quite matter of fact 'it's not that I give to receive, but in the absence of any present, card or similar from any of the family except for X and Y (who gave you something separately), I won't be chipping into group presents. No hard feelings. I would just prefer to send my good wishes personally'.

Thing is, they've already made you feel left out, you're not going to feel any better by giving generously to people who were part of this.

Blueberrywitch · 17/01/2023 23:49

That’s horrible and you are not being U to be hurt! I wouldn’t contribute to the next gift and I would ask my DH not to either! And I would get him to tell them why. Let them make it up to you and if they don’t then enjoy all the money you have saved.

Original poster
LadyLucksters · 17/01/2023 23:51

Thank you. It’s generally the siblings that organise it, but it’s a fair point that my DH didn’t instigate anything, which is helpful for me to remember.

I take your other points on board too, but it’s tricky when DH has always had lovely gifts for his birthdays, for him then not to contribute to others.

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 17/01/2023 23:52

LadyLucksters · 17/01/2023 23:46

Thank you for responding. I’m not sure what DH would say to them? “Please buy Lucksters a gift because she buys you?” I guess they might do, but it’s the thought, isn’t it? I genuinely don’t care for gifts. I just feel hurt by (what seems to be) rejection.

Is that the best you can come up with?

How about "Why are we always buying big collective presents for other family members, but not my wife?"

He needs to stick up for you here and ask that very simple question.

Original poster
LadyLucksters · 17/01/2023 23:59

Perhaps you’re right. I’m mindful of not starting a family argument though for lots of reasons though (the family hold long standing grudges, it would impact DH and my children, it could spoil someone else’s b’day, etc.). I’d like to just not care really - is that even possible for me though, if I still care after 25 years of this shit? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 18/01/2023 00:05

It may be up to your dh. As some members bought presents they obviously noticed the lack of a group present collection so got their own. It would be interesting to see who contacted ye about the other collection..was it their spouse or just a random member of the family. If it wasn't their spouse you have good grounds to be upset that no one bothered and your dh should definitely call them on that as it is rejection and horribly mean.
If it was their spouse you just have to accept your dh didn't do it for whatever reason..maybe not feeling comfortable to ask. When ye get a request do you always just deal with it as dh may not be aware of the usual procedure.
In my large family we just do a collection for siblings only on big birthdays. Always a hotel voucher to a hotel we feel would match their tastes or one they always go to. For spouses we just send messages. When my dm was alive she bought the inlaws a present.

Caramia23 · 18/01/2023 00:09

To be perfectly honest your dh may be wonderful but he has let you down massively regarding this matter.
If buying gifts for those who had married into my family was a big thing & if my dh was overlooked when no other oh's had been I would have tackled my family quite firmly & head on.
It's bad behaviour from all of them - including your dh. He should have your back with respect to his family & his silence is condoning their behaviour.

Glorianna · 18/01/2023 02:09

LadyLucksters · 17/01/2023 23:51

Thank you. It’s generally the siblings that organise it, but it’s a fair point that my DH didn’t instigate anything, which is helpful for me to remember.

I take your other points on board too, but it’s tricky when DH has always had lovely gifts for his birthdays, for him then not to contribute to others.

I’m expecting to be invited into a collective fund for this one, which of course I will contribute to, and of course, I won’t mention the absence of mine,

Why will you contribute?

I would just step away from the whole thing.

So tell DH if he wants to contribute to presents he does it from his own money and not family money.

Don’t choose any presents for anyone.

Don’t send cards.

Don’t acknowledge cards and presents from them.

MintyBinty · 18/01/2023 02:32

You sound scared to have a confrontation with them - is it because you won’t be able to continue on as you are currently, once their behaviour has been addressed?

Take a step back OP. Your husband needs to tackle this with his family and you need to stop putting effort and energy into this and start accepting that his family have treated you badly.

MysteryBelle · 18/01/2023 03:07

Stop contributing to them. Zero. So what if it impacts dh’s present in the future? Good. Then he will realize what he’s allowed his family to do to you for 25 years.

Simply do not contribute. No need to explain. Reciprocate exactly. The person who gave you a card, give that person a card. A small gift, a small gift in return.

Please stand up for yourself. Your dh is obviously not going to. Although if it were me, I’d tell him to tell them in bold terms what they already know and let the chips fall where they may. If he has the guts. I am so fed up with women on here putting up with absolute garbage.

Do not be afraid of his family! Associate only with decent lovely people who care for you. It’s really that simple.

MysteryBelle · 18/01/2023 03:10

And get off the group chat. I bet they love rubbing your face in it. Pictures of large gifts, effusive thanks back, so blessed. While you get nothing and you’re expected to lay down and like it and be grateful they let you be a tiny part of the family. Please tell me you have more respect for yourself than that.

MmedeGouge · 18/01/2023 03:37

Your situation really saddened me. You sound like a very balanced and decent person.

Like you, I wouldn’t want to confront the rest of the family directly. I can’t see you would gain anything from it.

I wouldn’t heap lots of blame onto your husband either. If you are happy within your own nuclear family, why let the wider family’s poor behaviour threaten that.
In a way they have done you a favour- you now have firm evidence of what you have always suspected. For some reason they don’t accept you as one of them. Judging by what you have told us I guess, maybe, your very decent and balanced personality makes them feel uncomfortable because they are so different from you.

Do not dwell on it. It will sap your energy. I would quietly distance myself from the unpleasant group.

NumberTheory · 18/01/2023 03:41

LadyLucksters · 17/01/2023 23:59

Perhaps you’re right. I’m mindful of not starting a family argument though for lots of reasons though (the family hold long standing grudges, it would impact DH and my children, it could spoil someone else’s b’day, etc.). I’d like to just not care really - is that even possible for me though, if I still care after 25 years of this shit? 🤷‍♀️

Can you not pull away and let your DH do the family communicating? When they ask for contributions are they really expecting one from you separate to your DH’s? If they make you feel left out anyway, will it actually cause drama if you fade into the background and leave it your DH?

I think you’re unlikely to stop feeling hurt by it if you keep up the same interactions. After 25 years, if you were just going to accept it, you’d probably have managed that by now. So I think you have stop putting yourself in a position to be hurt.

I agree with Caramia23 that your DH has let you down on this. That it really is something he should have asked about. That it may be that he hasn’t done as much as his siblings in promoting you and encouraging everyone to treat you the same as their DPs. (Which does make me wonder - is he the only brother? Is this a case of a man ducking out of emotional labor because he thinks the women will do it all?)

Ladyinpuce · 18/01/2023 03:45

@ladyLucksters
DH’s family have always been quite cold towards me. I won’t go in to lots of detail, but in essence, in the whole 25 years of knowing them, i’ve never really felt accepted as part of the family. This hurts me greatly.

Then stop engaging with this miserable unfriendly bunch of people and tell your DH why.

Aprilx · 18/01/2023 03:47

I don’t think I have ever had a gift from DHs family and I don’t take it as non acceptance. I have no idea if they buy presents for other people that have married in, but if they do, I would simply take it that they are closer to that person than they are to me. This is ok with me. I had two brothers in law (married to my siblings not on my husbands side) and I was closer to one than the other.

There is obviously a difference in your case because of the family WhatsApp and your contribution to other celebrations. But I really think this is down to your DH, he should either be organising things for you or he should be saying something to his siblings. I would also leave him to handle any future contrib as he sees fit.

ComfortablyDazed · 18/01/2023 04:04

Sorry, but this is very much a DH problem.

I’d be mortified if I were him - my wife forgotten about by my family, while everyone else is fussed over, thought of, remembered, celebrated. Absolutely mortified.

But he’s not, is he? He hasn’t even noticed, let alone cared, let alone pre-empted the situation to ensure it didn’t happen.

Sorry OP, but this is on your DH.

Poppyblush · 18/01/2023 04:07

Your dh is a shit too

Landlubber2019 · 18/01/2023 04:13

I am sorry that you are hurt, I would be too. Personally I would mute the family what's app and step back from it. I would not continue to contribute into further collections and I would sit DH down and explain how hurt you feel. He really has let you down as he should have got this covered for you x

MiddleParking · 18/01/2023 04:20

I’m expecting to be invited into a collective fund for this one, which of course I will contribute to

You personally? Or your DH on behalf of your family unit? If the former that’s incredibly weird and I’d take no part in it. If the latter it’s his circus and I’d take no part in it.

Do they all buy presents for your kids though? I think some people would think buying presents for someone’s three kids negated the need (or the ability) to buy one for the person themselves.

JudgeRudy · 18/01/2023 04:23

I'm on the fence here. I understand its a little hurtful however I wouldnt make such a fuss over my BIL as I would my sister and I wouldn't expect the same in return. Would expect your husband to prompt his family and suggest joint gifts, likewise I would expect gift contributions to his family to come from him.
As for not really like you, I could live with that if it's just that, ie they're fine with you and don't dislike you but don't particularly want to be good friends I wouldn't be so concerned but clearly you are. Do you generally have problems with friendships? If not just accept they are (as my nan might say) funny buggars. Don't judge your worth by your ILs input.

Goodread1 · 18/01/2023 04:24

I agree with what @MiddleParking comment do they allways buy presents 🎁 for your children then?

Cause that would make somewhat a difference,

Are the gifts 🎁 they buy meaningful in some way to your children Op?

Goodread1 · 18/01/2023 04:26

@JudgeRudy

So Spot on Switched on comment,
I agree also with this comment too.

Twiglets1 · 18/01/2023 04:26

You’re in an impossible situation. I think you need to tell your husband how you are feeling ( hurt not angry) and let him tell his family how you are feeling. It’s very understandable. They are being thoughtless & insensitive.