To feel a little hurt

[LadyLucksters]

DH’s family have always been quite cold towards me. I won’t go in to lots of detail, but in essence, in the whole 25 years of knowing them, i’ve never really felt accepted as part of the family. This hurts me greatly.

This year, lots of people in DH’s family have ‘big’ birthdays. Normally, there is a big whip round to buy a special/joint gift on these ‘big’ occasions, and DH and I always contribute generously to these.

I was the first of the big birthdays this year, and a week on, I have received a card from one member of the family, a small, but thoughtful gift from another, and messages (from some family members) on the family chat group. I honestly didn’t think much of the absence of the cards/gifts, as I still had a lovely time. Today, however, I am being sent pictures of all the thoughtful gifts / flowers, etc that have been sent from each of my ILs to the next big birthday person (who also married into the family), with gushing thanks from them about how blessed they are and how loved they feel.

AIBU to feel hurt? It’s honestly not the lack of gifts, so much as the lack of thought. Perhaps I’m being hypersensitive, but I feel like it’s a reflection of how they feel about me… nothing! (or maybe worse?)

We have a big birthday pretty much every couple of months this year in DH’s family - the next one being the equivalent of mine. I’m expecting to be invited into a collective fund for this one, which of course I will contribute to, and of course, I won’t mention the absence of mine, but honestly, how can I move past how hurtful this is? I don’t want to be eaten up with it. Any lived advice gratefully received!

FWIW, I have a wonderful DH and three wonderful children. I do know that I am blessed in other (more important) ways.

Op you have been treated like this, an outside for a quarter of a century! I would not have put up with it beyond the first year. This has gone on for far too long.

Be open and honest about your feelings with dh, and tell him as a result you will be pulling back and really mean it, no more effort, cards or presents for other members (dh can send stuff if he wants)
I would go very very low contact from now on. They have made their feelings abundantly clear for decades so now you are making a decision to no longer tolerate such unkindness and spite.

The one or two that did make an effort would be invited to dinners, days out, BBQs etc and celebrate the people that did care you for you.

When your in laws do eventually notice it will be up to dh to explain to them that op feels hurt, pushed out and not treated with kindness.

You are not doing your children any favours as they watch you being badly treated like a doormat and you are their example, their guiding light as to what to expect from relationships - so stand up for yourself quietly if you that is your style and take no more of this nonsense. Enough is enough.

Because everyone else gets made a fuss of, and the OP makes a fuss of everyone else?

Not that difficult to ‘get’.

Because everyone else is getting a big collective gift! Surely you'd find that annoying?

This.

There is absolutely no way your lack or reciprocal gift hasn't been noticed by others. I would expect DH to have my back and establish why this was or going forward we'd be doing cards only.

YANBU

Agree this is also a very dignified approach as an alternative.

Tell your DH how hurt you are, leave the group chat, leave all gift buying for his family to DH.

Some of you obviously just get a bizarre enjoyment from being deeply obtuse.

Either that, or you’re just a bit thick.

What has dh said about the lack of a collection for your big birthday gift where siblings spouse got big gift

I’m with the majority of posters.
Sounds like it’s your dh’s responsibility to organise your collection.
The fact that other peoples spouses organise theirs is obvious.
You are angry and disappointed at the wrong people.
Stop putting into collections. Is your dh incapable of transferring money from his bank account? No, well let him do it, it’s his family.
Do you want your dd to grow up being a limp doormat? Stop enabling this behaviour.
It really is as simple as other posters have put it:
People treat you the way you allow them to.

No doubt nothing, since he knows it’s up to him to instigate.

That’s rubbish of them and your husband.
I would stop trying to win them over by being thoughtful and meekly playing by their rules.
After 25 years they’re not going to suddenly change their minds (and even if they do, it’ll feel forced).
Leave the WhatsApp group, leave your husband to sort out the family birthdays, and spend more time with friends who value you.

I would just step away from the whole thing.

This is really good advice. If people notice, they will wonder why - and then it is likely to occur to someone (most likely the people who sent you an individual gift as they’d twigged there wasn’t a group one) that you’ve been left out. Sounds like your DH hasn’t covered himself in glory either with this, which is another reason to leave it to him. He can’t be bothered to sort a present from his family to you, why should you be bothered to sort presents to his family on his behalf. Just calmly step away from it all….

Why on earth hasn't your DH instigated a collection for your gift if that's the done thing?

This is on your DH I'm afraid.

They've told you who they are, now listen. I'd leave the group chat to be honest and not engage further with them. And I'd tell them why, if asked. Politely, no raised voice from my side, and they can deal with that as they choose. I'd remain on good terms with those who'd remembered my birthday and let my husband deal with requests for collection money going forward. He may be too useless to support you in this with his wider family but that doesn't mean you have to accept their rudeness to you any longer.

Shes annoyed because EVERYONE else gets a big fuss made of them APART FROM her

And imo this lack of fuss is down to her DH because if no one else does fuss for her, then he should

@gamerchick YES YES YES.You are so right.

I would still give to their collections but far less generously than you say you normally do. Give something small like £5 or £10 (something noticeably smaller than whatever you normally give) nobody can say anything because you are still giving and if they ask why it’s less, you can say after your birthday you can see everyone is scaling back what they give.

I feel for you as it's the same for me.

I've been with DH 16 years and married for 8 this year (we were 14 when we met!) so I've known them since I was a child.

I've never done anything bad to DH, we have a great relationship, I make effort for everyone's birthdays and offer them to come round for dinner etc which they do however on my birthdays and Christmas I usually get something like a pair of socks or a reed diffuser and watch other people open nice PJS, perfume etc. it's not that the items they gift me aren't as expensive it's the lack of effort that is in it that hurts.

I've distanced myself a little and accepted maybe they just don't like me and that's okay. I know I'm a good person, so does DH. We are expecting our first baby the week of my 30th birthday so that will be interesting.

The only people in his family that treat me the same as everyone else is his Brother and his partner who I have a good relationship with.

If it was the other way around I would say something to my family but like you, his family have a history of grudges and childish antics so I keep quiet as I'd rather not be the cause of another one.

Hugs OP xx

I also think your main problem is your DH. If it’s the tradition in his family to do a collection for a big birthday then HE needs to get off his arse and be the one who organises it for you!

I would also leave the family WhatsApp groups.

Next time you're asked just say 'oh I didn't think we were doing large gifts, as I got fuck all (insert nicer word) for my 40th last month' then let dh sort any contribution from then onwards

I think this is awful, I really feel for you.
If it were me, I’d ask my husband to ask his family what’s going on?!
I think it’s bad enough it happens but the group messages/pictures are like rubbing it in your face.
Maybe it’s time to leave the group?

Sadly in my experience, with selfish people they don't notice.

In the case of my having enough, another family birthday happened and because I failed to remind DH or buy anything/post a message, he was phoned up.

His sibling had the right hump with him because their partner was forgotten by us. It wasn't a milestone birthday so frankly childish anyway but there you go. DH stuttered a bit and said he forgot, at which point relative says why didn't I remind him.
I took the phone off him and said it wasn't my job and considering not one of you bothered with my actual milestone birthday, I would not be reminding him in future. I was called childish for being petty and told you don't give to receive!

No understanding of how upset it had made me, it was all about their needs.

Life is too short to put up with being sidelined and treated second class by people. Move on and concentrate on those who do bother to show respect. As for your DH, he needs to speak up and stick up for you because as nice as he is, he fucked up by failing to stand up for you for 25 years.

I think at the very least id speak to your husband about it, and let him know that the apparent difference between how you are treated vs how other daughter and son in laws are treated, hurts a bit. It might turn out that spouses always instigate collections etc and he has dropped the ball or something. And then you can decide what to do together. I think it would need to be him saying something to his family though. It doesn't need to be 'where was Lady's present!?' it could be more 'actually it's a bit much to include Lady in a group chat for others birthday collections when most of the group didn't bother with hers' (so it's about effort rather than gifts).

How do you get on with his family in general? Are there any other differences in how you're treated?

I feel your pain Op. Sometimes other people's families are just shits. When I married my first husband we had professional photos taken. My MIL chose lots of those photos to put up in her house. She chose a photo of me. Hurrah, I thought , she's including me finally. She had been weird with me from the start. She had a photo wall on her stairs and put all the pictures there for everyone to see. She cropped the photo of me with scissors so it was just my big and beautiful (80s hedgerow style) bouquet and a bit of my cream dress that was in the frame. No face,no body ,just flowers. We lived 2 doors away from them and went frequently. It was totally bizarre.Like you ,I didn't make a fuss. I was 24. I wouldn't put up with that now . I have a very different life. I do to others as they do to me now. My brother and his wife forgot my birthday for 3 years in a row. His birthday is 3 weeks after mine so my card arrived 3 weeks late when they had realised they'd forgotten it. We don't do big things anyway but a card would have been nice. I didn't want to ignore their birthdays because it would actually have caused hassle to me that I couldn't be bothered with. My mother has nasty tendencies and my brother is very much her favourite. I went to poundland and bought a pack of 2 perfectly pleasant cards for £1.00. Wrote 'happy birthday from' in them and sent them. I hadn't ignored their birthdays so psychopathic lunacy couldn't be unleashed but it had cost me 50p per birthday ( I can deliver them by hand when they are at work). Best wishes