To feel a little hurt

[LadyLucksters]

DH’s family have always been quite cold towards me. I won’t go in to lots of detail, but in essence, in the whole 25 years of knowing them, i’ve never really felt accepted as part of the family. This hurts me greatly.

This year, lots of people in DH’s family have ‘big’ birthdays. Normally, there is a big whip round to buy a special/joint gift on these ‘big’ occasions, and DH and I always contribute generously to these.

I was the first of the big birthdays this year, and a week on, I have received a card from one member of the family, a small, but thoughtful gift from another, and messages (from some family members) on the family chat group. I honestly didn’t think much of the absence of the cards/gifts, as I still had a lovely time. Today, however, I am being sent pictures of all the thoughtful gifts / flowers, etc that have been sent from each of my ILs to the next big birthday person (who also married into the family), with gushing thanks from them about how blessed they are and how loved they feel.

AIBU to feel hurt? It’s honestly not the lack of gifts, so much as the lack of thought. Perhaps I’m being hypersensitive, but I feel like it’s a reflection of how they feel about me… nothing! (or maybe worse?)

We have a big birthday pretty much every couple of months this year in DH’s family - the next one being the equivalent of mine. I’m expecting to be invited into a collective fund for this one, which of course I will contribute to, and of course, I won’t mention the absence of mine, but honestly, how can I move past how hurtful this is? I don’t want to be eaten up with it. Any lived advice gratefully received!

FWIW, I have a wonderful DH and three wonderful children. I do know that I am blessed in other (more important) ways.

OP I wouldn't stop contributing to presents. As you say, it's not really the point. But I'd address the feelings of rejection head on, saying that you feel hurt and explaining why.

You refuse to address the core problem, of the fact your Dh has never stood up for you and put you first with his family? Why do you not address this core issue?

YANBU.

What did your husband say about it?

Is he the one who is meant to organise it and he dropped the ball?

I'd be hurt too and it would have nothing to do with the lack of present either, it's the lack of thought that would hurt for me.

This for sure ^

I was in the same position last year. Big birthday for me after years of celebrations for ILs.

Not one card, message, call or gift. Not one. Also been with DH 25 years.

I was extremely angry as like you I've always been the one to ensure DH remembers family birthdays and have also contributed to gifts, meals out etc. DH said they probably just forgot because it was post Covid disruption.

A week later, his BIL had a minor age birthday. Queue Facebook posts about him, how wonderful he is, how great he married in, best pal all that.

To be fair, DH did look rather shame faced when I showed him. He then questioned a couple of them (big family) who simply shrugged it off as they forgot.

Well, being that he doesn't remember and I always do, I've not reminded him or bought a single card since. They can quite literally go fuck themselves

We allow these people to sideline us and be little more than acting like teenagers by deliberate shows of who they like and who they mildly tolerate. Unfortunately, you seem to be in the mildly tolerate category.

I would demand your DH speaks up, in fact I think he's selfish for not doing so already unprompted.

Do not join in with the gifts again and I would be inclined to cease any relationship with them from here. If your DH wants to see them he can but I think you need to stop allowing them to treat you differently.

Yanbu to be hurt by this. However, you did mention receiving cards or presents from a couple of people. Did these people remember your birthday themselves or were they reminded by Facebook/ WhatsApp group etc?

The collections that are done by siblings- are these sisters who are then prompting the rest of the family to contribute via collection so most contributors don't even have to remember or think for themselves and there's little thought or effort to a financial contribution which is easier then remembering, choosing and purchasing a thoughtful gift alone each time?

I have no advice as to what you can do but I would remember the nice ones who have shown thought and care.

I'm another one who thinks it's spouses who get the ball rolling on group gifts.
I love both my brothers' wives but I can't imagine initiating a family gift for either of them. It 's their spouses who know if they want a fuss made or not so I'd follow their lead.

It's hard after 25 years but is it possible they're misreading your difficulty speaking directly (about your desire to be closer) as stand-offishness? And also following your husband's lead in not doing things for you because they don't want to intrude? I guess it's hard to say without the back story you allude to, but it sounds like they don't really know you, even after all this time, rather than actively disliking you.

It hurts because they're not that into you. Also it's very hard to get someone to whip up enthusiasm to buy something for someone no one has taken an interest in. However this is not strictly true as You did have some thoughtful responses so that was nice. Better to get something from the people who genuinely care than a big brash surprise gift that is not genuinely given. Now you are able to spot the ones that like you over the ones that don't. So give to those ones and not the others or it becomes your fault if you continue to resent them.

I'm on the fence here. I understand its a little hurtful however I wouldnt make such a fuss over my BIL as I would my sister and I wouldn't expect the same in return.

Agree - I’m absolutely the same.

But that’s not the case for the OP, which is the point.

Other partners who’ve ‘married in’ have been made a fuss of, remembered, thought of.

The OP hasn’t.

This is a DH problem - which I suspect the OP is going to struggle to reconcile with herself. She’s used to blaming the sub-standard family, instead of looking at the problem where it squarely lies.

Firstly, I don't blame you for feeling hurt because your in-laws sound awful.

Secondly though, this was and is really down to your husband. Why has he never addressed the animosity from his family and more importantly, why on earth didn't he instigate a family birthday fund? Failing that, at least question his family as to why it didn't happen!

He sounds like a wet lettuce. He needs to grow a backbone and stand up for his wife!

I wouldn't be contributing to the birthdays going forward.

I agree with the poster up thread who said to get off their group chat. Screw them all—focus on the people who treat you right. People can be so mean. I’ve never had my dog and cats treat me like crap so I prefer their company.

Or he should have been the one organising the collection. He seems the most logical person to do this. I suspect the other person who married into the family received a collective gift because their partner instigated it.

If you allow yourself to be treated like crap, you'll get treated like crap OP. Why didn't your bloke step in? Why hasnt he told them they've got a nerve asking you to contribute to their big birthdays?

So the fuck what if there's a row? You would be better off out of it anyway

But I think you'll just carry on being walked all over as you have been because you don't like conflict.

I would go nuts if my family treated my husband like that.

Thank you for your comments. I have read them all.

To answer a couple of q’s (as I am just getting DC ready for school), DH and I don’t have any separate bank accounts - everything is shared, so my money is his money and vice versa. (I know this may be unusual, but it works for us).

DH’s family do buy for our children, but we reciprocate this. All the siblings have 3 children.

I don’t think that really answers the core question, OP - which is where is your husband in all of this?

the only thing you can do is tell your DH that you feel hurt and left out, and make the comparison to the most recent birthday.

And that it is fine if nobody wants to organise a present for you - i suspect it should be him? - then that is fine but you are no longer going to contribute to other presents, and he can do what he likes but the amount is to be discussed beforehand?

I’d expect your DH to organise the collection for your birthday.

Is it possible that the family believes that you prefer not to do a big birthday fuss??

Id take heart that you received sone lovely gifts from a couple of them and tell Dh that you expect him to lead the charge for your next big birthday

I am astonished by your husband's passivity
Why on earth isn't he challenging this?

You sound a bit weak in your respones on here. Why is your DH not standing up for you?! 25 years!!!

Did they realise it was a big birthday? I don't think I know the ages exactly of my siblings partners. If your dh didn't let them know it was a big one then it may have passed them by.

I think you're being silly. My mil sometimes sends me a card and a small present but other than that I don't receive anything from DH's family, even if it was a big birthday. I don't really get why you're annoyed.

Do they buy for other spouses or is it just the immediate family?

God, people’s reading comprehension is unbelievably bad.

It’s all there in the OP.

Absolutely this. You are his wife and he should make sure that you are treated as part of the family.