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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bar three rows , he is perfect. Do I still get rid?

120 replies

published · 17/01/2023 15:06

Basically, as stated we've had three rows in three years.

  1. He left me at a hotel on my
Own in temper because we were locked out and had to sleep in car. Silent treatment for a few days afterwards. Nobody's fault but manager.
  1. He insisted we leave another hotel and weekend away after a row when I got cross that he let me sleep past dinner time . Therefore no food . I dozed off. He wasn't hungry so didn't bother . We had to
go home . He ignored me for a week.
  1. He refused to provide the care he had previously offered, surrounding a serious operation when I pulled him up on being a dick to my child.Again, ignored me for days in end. Likes the silent treatment .

Otherwise he is fantastic.

Still good reasons to dump yes? I can never trust him not To let me down I'm thinking?

OP posts:
Clairedelaplume · 17/01/2023 18:41

I think it’s a dangerous game to stick with a sulker if you find that isolating. But I did and we are generally very happy 16 years on.

Some of the things he did would have MN in absolute uproar but we were young and fiery. And I always knew he was a good egg. The dust has settled now and we’ve mostly grown up!

I would say at the very least you need a frank conversation around how his behaviour is not acceptable. If you are prepared to walk away then you have nothing to lose.

Clairedelaplume · 17/01/2023 18:42

And nobody is perfect. Even us!

Clairedelaplume · 17/01/2023 18:44

Oh sorry just seen that you’ve already cut your losses! Well fair enough, you have a son to think about. Sounds like you’ve trusted your gut and that’s the best you can do.

Sussexlass84 · 17/01/2023 18:45

TangledWebOfDeception · 17/01/2023 15:13

Well if he's a dick to your child then he's not even remotely perfect, is he?

Seriously. You need to get your priorities straight!

Totally agree!

Sussexlass84 · 17/01/2023 18:47

published · 17/01/2023 17:02

Posters I did get rid of him but a couple of friends find it incredible that I did so considering there were only three rows .

He was short with my son and that's when I pulled him up on it and that's when he withdrew his offer of care and when I dumped him.
I needed to make sure that I wasn't because bf too hasty.
It seems that the silent treatment is their normal in their relationship so I needed reassurance more than anything.

I dont Need to say that he is hoovering hard, or at least trying to.
He has no access to me directly .

Good for you...keep strong!!

Zanatdy · 17/01/2023 18:48

My ex used to do that too, he once ignored me for 6wks. That’s why he’s my ex

autienotnaughty · 17/01/2023 19:00

Aim high queen. You don't need to settle, you made the right choice

BunchHarman · 17/01/2023 19:09

when I pulled him up on being a dick to my child.Again, ignored me for days in end. Likes the silent treatment .

Sorry, he was a dick to your child??

He’s a stroppy, nasty twat. Of course you bin him.

Suzi888 · 17/01/2023 19:12

He doesn’t sound great. I’d save yourself the heartache and get rid personally, or keep him separate and just date him, never get serious, never move in, never marry…..

IDontWantToBeAPie · 17/01/2023 19:20

Coercive control OP.

He will get worse - leave.

floofyhouse · 17/01/2023 19:50

You did the right thing OP. My ex used to use the silent treatment on me; over the years it gradually escalated into serious emotional abuse. Don’t look back!

Patineur · 17/01/2023 21:55

toocold54 · 17/01/2023 18:19

I do sometimes find it confusing that MNers say that the silent treatment is abusive.

I think it can definitely be childish but I know in past relationships I’ve not spoken to my DP for a few days as I needed space to work through my own feelings.

I feel like having to talk to someone who has done wrong would feel way worse.
And if my DP did something wrong and said I had to speak to him else it’s abuse, then I’d think that was very inappropriate behaviour.

How does that work for you? Does your DP like it and accept it? Why do you always assume you are right and the other person is wrong?

Wouldn't it be healthier actually to talk to the other person to sort it out or try to find some sort of middle ground? If you give them the silent treatment for several days, positions just become polarised because you never give them the chance to explain themselves, they resent you for your behaviour, and it's absolutely disastrous for the relationship.

GoT1904 · 17/01/2023 23:37

Patineur · 17/01/2023 21:55

How does that work for you? Does your DP like it and accept it? Why do you always assume you are right and the other person is wrong?

Wouldn't it be healthier actually to talk to the other person to sort it out or try to find some sort of middle ground? If you give them the silent treatment for several days, positions just become polarised because you never give them the chance to explain themselves, they resent you for your behaviour, and it's absolutely disastrous for the relationship.

Show quote history

Agree.

At the very least you need to verbalise that you're not able to talk at the moment. Stonewalling can have some awful effects on the other party.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/01/2023 00:05

He sounds awful.

Surely "being a dick to your dc" is a dumping offence?

louise5754 · 18/01/2023 06:38

Stompythedinosaur · 18/01/2023 00:05

He sounds awful.

Surely "being a dick to your dc" is a dumping offence?

Maybe not as it wasn't either worth it's own bullet point.

Cakecakecheese · 18/01/2023 08:11

published · 17/01/2023 17:02

Posters I did get rid of him but a couple of friends find it incredible that I did so considering there were only three rows .

He was short with my son and that's when I pulled him up on it and that's when he withdrew his offer of care and when I dumped him.
I needed to make sure that I wasn't because bf too hasty.
It seems that the silent treatment is their normal in their relationship so I needed reassurance more than anything.

I dont Need to say that he is hoovering hard, or at least trying to.
He has no access to me directly .

Then don't tell people you broke up after 3 rows! You're simplifying and minimising. Anyway you can break with someone after no arguments if they're not right for you.

You've clearly made the right call but it's natural to wobble a bit so remember how he made you feel when he gave you the silent treatment and remember how he acted towards your child.

IHaveNoSoul · 18/01/2023 08:15

You're the dick for letting him be a dick to your child

Give your head a wobble ffs

SuperFly123 · 18/01/2023 08:39

ArcticSkewer · 17/01/2023 15:15

  1. he is a dick to my child.

You forgot that one op

This should be NUMBER ONE on your list. Of course you end it. Step up as a mother ffs.

Franticbutterfly · 19/01/2023 09:43

I think you know the answer already.

mindutopia · 19/01/2023 10:25

I've been with dh 12 years and never once have we had a 'row' like anything you've described. He sounds awful.

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