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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bar three rows , he is perfect. Do I still get rid?

120 replies

published · 17/01/2023 15:06

Basically, as stated we've had three rows in three years.

  1. He left me at a hotel on my
Own in temper because we were locked out and had to sleep in car. Silent treatment for a few days afterwards. Nobody's fault but manager.
  1. He insisted we leave another hotel and weekend away after a row when I got cross that he let me sleep past dinner time . Therefore no food . I dozed off. He wasn't hungry so didn't bother . We had to
go home . He ignored me for a week.
  1. He refused to provide the care he had previously offered, surrounding a serious operation when I pulled him up on being a dick to my child.Again, ignored me for days in end. Likes the silent treatment .

Otherwise he is fantastic.

Still good reasons to dump yes? I can never trust him not To let me down I'm thinking?

OP posts:
dontleaveitthere · 17/01/2023 17:20

Why he sounds delightful

To be honest it was the childish sulking treatment that did it for me regardless of all the other shit

It's emotional abuse.

So fuck that.

He can be a fantastic most of the time. But that just hides the fact he's a twat

Really? You're happy with this?

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 17/01/2023 17:24

published · 17/01/2023 17:02

Posters I did get rid of him but a couple of friends find it incredible that I did so considering there were only three rows .

He was short with my son and that's when I pulled him up on it and that's when he withdrew his offer of care and when I dumped him.
I needed to make sure that I wasn't because bf too hasty.
It seems that the silent treatment is their normal in their relationship so I needed reassurance more than anything.

I dont Need to say that he is hoovering hard, or at least trying to.
He has no access to me directly .

Yay, well done OP 🎉🍾

custardbear · 17/01/2023 17:26

ArcticSkewer · 17/01/2023 15:15

  1. he is a dick to my child.

You forgot that one op

That should be number 1 on your list

HeartBrokenWife · 17/01/2023 17:34

So pleased to hear that you left the abusive ar$e. Again, as others have pointed out, it was not simply a case of three rows. He's a nasty abusive man. He was trying to control you (and probably your son from what you have said) and you are right to stay strong and ignore his persistent hoovering. It is just that, hoovering, not love and you are doing brilliantly to recognise it as such. Stay strong for yours and your son's sakes.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/01/2023 17:46

Otherwise he is fantastic.

Fantastic, apart from being a dick to your child, huh? Shock Angry

You've posted about this bloke before I think OP.
If so, he's far worse than the 3 rows you describe, & dozens of posters urged you to LTB.
If not - he stonewalls you for days when you've done no wrong; he doesn't consider your needs & let you go without supper; & - I can't emphasise this enough OP - HE WAS A DICK TO YOUR CHILD.

However ... you've dumped him, & now your 'friends' are being dicks about your decision. If they want to be simpering dickpanderers that's up to them but they don't get to undermine you like that.
I suggest asking them if they want you to send him their way, next time he Hoovers you.

JoyPeaceHealth · 17/01/2023 17:52

Blimey, anybody who gave the silent treatment would be history. That is ridiculous carry on.

I agree with poster(s) saying he falls apart when things don't go according to plan and takes it out on you.

So he's ok if things rumble along predictably but you can't count on him if you need him or if something unexpected happens.

louise5754 · 17/01/2023 17:56

Your kid is mentioned at point 3 and then only to explain why he didn't help you after an op.

Strange how it wasn't on the list?

Ellie56 · 17/01/2023 17:56

He is a dick to your child? He is not remotely "fantastic."

And the silent treatment is emotional abuse. Just bin him. You can do better. Both you and your child deserve better.

LizzieSiddal · 17/01/2023 17:58

I remember you writing about him before. He’s a massive bellend and you should be celebrating getting rid of him!

pointythings · 17/01/2023 17:59

The fact that he resorts to silent treatment - and lengthy silent treatment any time there is a conflict would be enough for me. You did right to get rid, life's too short.

louise5754 · 17/01/2023 18:00

Cross posted with a few people

toocold54 · 17/01/2023 18:06

after a row when I got cross that he let me sleep past dinner time .

So he withdrew his offer of childcare (even though you said he was a dick to your child so I don’t know why you’d still want him to look after him).

And he let you sleep in - because I assume you are an adult who is capable of setting an alarm and waking themselves up.

He sounds like an idiot but tbh you don’t sound much better.

You’ll both definitely be happier separated.

JoyPeaceHealth · 17/01/2023 18:06

published · 17/01/2023 17:02

Posters I did get rid of him but a couple of friends find it incredible that I did so considering there were only three rows .

He was short with my son and that's when I pulled him up on it and that's when he withdrew his offer of care and when I dumped him.
I needed to make sure that I wasn't because bf too hasty.
It seems that the silent treatment is their normal in their relationship so I needed reassurance more than anything.

I dont Need to say that he is hoovering hard, or at least trying to.
He has no access to me directly .

Oh well done @published
don't doubt yourself. The silent treatment is a tactic to control.
And that's before you think about how he was to your son! I couldn't look at somebody who'd been a dick to my kids.

FabFitFifties · 17/01/2023 18:07

Although we are only hearing one side, and your own behaviour might have been less than reasonable, I would still see these episodes as red flags. Silent treatment is not OK, neither is abandoning you somewhere. Consider how you might feel if he treats your child like this as they get older, and become fair game. Also, it may be once a year, but it still stacks up and ysually gets worse

KissTheGoGoat · 17/01/2023 18:09

I feel like I remember your previous post - did you go away for a work trip with him but you thought it was a romantic getaway. You didn’t want dinner at a normal time, then you fell asleep, woke up for dinner at 9:30pm and you were annoyed that the hotel didn’t serve food?

if that was your post then this is making him sound like he’s majorly in the wrong but to be honest that was pretty unreasonable of you IMO.

GoT1904 · 17/01/2023 18:11

Well done! It's the stonewalling and silent treatment for me... Absolutely no way to behave.

Also he was a dick to your child, you pulled him up on it, so he withdrew his offer of care for the aftermath of an operation?!.. wowwww. You did right.

PrincessConstance · 17/01/2023 18:12

Why are you having rows in hotels all the time? (Dp and I have had two rows while away. I don't think he was impressed).😂
I think rowing about not being woken up is churlish.
Sleeping in a car.🙄
Being mean to your child is not on.

It seems to me you're rowing, and he then ignores you. I do the silent treatment on DP sometimes, I need to recover and process the situation. If you have no long-term plans and are just dating I'd take a step back.

HaggisBurger · 17/01/2023 18:18

Great. So pleased. Stay strong.

MeinKraft · 17/01/2023 18:18

It all sounds like a load of petty crap but he was a dick to your child so bin is the right place for him.

toocold54 · 17/01/2023 18:19

I do sometimes find it confusing that MNers say that the silent treatment is abusive.

I think it can definitely be childish but I know in past relationships I’ve not spoken to my DP for a few days as I needed space to work through my own feelings.

I feel like having to talk to someone who has done wrong would feel way worse.
And if my DP did something wrong and said I had to speak to him else it’s abuse, then I’d think that was very inappropriate behaviour.

billy1966 · 17/01/2023 18:19

Hubblebubble · 17/01/2023 16:28

The woman who gave birth to me allowed her DP to be a dick to me. She is no longer in my life. Remember your son won't forget what you allow.

This.

That you could use the word perfect to any way to describe a man who would be a dick to your child is beyond sad.🙄

JoyPeaceHealth · 17/01/2023 18:28

@toocold54 it takes an hour or two to cool off. That fight or flight or freeze part of the amygdala does need a bit of time to regulate but you're wrong if you think that carrying on a silent treatment for THREE DAYS is ok, and that if your partner wanted to speak to you that he/she would be in the wrong.

Look up the four horsemen of the apocalypse (in a relationship). Jon Gottman I think. They are Contempt, Disdain, silent treatment, defensiveness

JoyPeaceHealth · 17/01/2023 18:30

@toocold54 although maybe you were in a situation where he had done something awful to you and you weren't brave enough to end things. Given that these aren't current relationships.

SadSunshine · 17/01/2023 18:31

How can you call him fantastic when he has been a dick to your child?

pictoosh · 17/01/2023 18:37

I think the very first post on this thread nails it. He falls apart at the first complication. He can't cope, loses his temper, lashes out...is petty and vindictive and then sulks for days.
He is not a man you can rely on in tough times. He will turn on you.