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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've destroyed everything

100 replies

23butterflies · 17/01/2023 11:02

I've been with my partner for 2 years and for the past few months there's been a few problems. Whenever something happens and we argue he leaves and goes to stay at his daughters,then comes back .
At the weekend we were out and his friends were saying things to me, I didn't tell my partner, instead left and stupidly took some tablets, I felt so low but I didn't want to die. I went to hospital,had bloods checked and was ok .
My partner has said its over ,he's moving out and I've just completely destroyed everything. I feel more depressed now but he's adamant that this is it . And now I'm worried about social services as I've got children and they said at hospital they would be informed I've just messed up my life so bad haven't I?

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 17/01/2023 11:04

I'd recognise this relationship isn't good for your mental health. Time to take care of you and focus on your needs.

Suzi888 · 17/01/2023 11:08

I think you need to recognise the at this relationship was not right for you, the partner, or your children and you need to focus solely on your children.

I would probably start by seeing your G.P and telling them all of this and see what help is available to you. I’m sure SS would consider that you are taking control of the situation and made a terrible mistake- realised and are seeking the help you need to get your life on track. 💐

Ihatethenewlook · 17/01/2023 11:10

Do you think this is the man for you op? Two years in and you feel like shit, trying to commit suicide and now have got involved with social services? Put your kids first if not yourself, and end it

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 17/01/2023 11:11

Forget the bloke. He doesn't matter. Focus on stabilising your mental health and being there for your children. Where is their dad in all this? Can they go and stay with him for a while while you seek help?

IHateFlies · 17/01/2023 11:11

You haven't messed up your life.
Even if social services get involved, they'll be a source of support.
Get in touch with your gp and see if you can get any further support like counselling.
Your relationship did not sound like it was good for either of you. You have children so focus on yourself and them and you'll be able to get yourself and your life back together and move forward.

Echobelly · 17/01/2023 11:12

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time now. It's hard to know what to advise from what you've posted, I think people would need to know more about what the problems you mention have been, what sort of things his friends were saying that were such an issue and so on.

Be gentle with yourself, don't worry about your children - remember social services are there to help, it's not a bad thing them knowing.

dontgobaconmyheart · 17/01/2023 11:20

Sorry to hear you're feeling low OP.

Regardless of the full situation with your partner, what's the benefit of being with someone who doesn't care as much as they should have and isn't interested in your wellbeing or mental health. To announce you're leaving in these circumstances as he's done is pretty low and only really shows that you're dodging a bullet.

You categorically don't need him, even if it feels like it. Get his stuff out as soon as possible and focus on yourself and your children. The first thing I'd do is make a GP appointment and tell them how you're feeling and ask what help's on offer, and think about whether anti depressants would be a route you'd consider taking. There are plenty of judgement free, anonymous and free to use helplines you can call if there's a wait for help, just to chat about how you feel or what's worrying you such as Samaritans.

You're having a bad time OP, that doesn't mean you've ruined a life or that things won't improve or can't be improved. Social services may well may contact but that doesn't have to be a bad thing and doesn't mean they have intentions to consider removing anyone's children. If you hear from them at all then I'd imagine they'll simply be looking to see if things have stabilised. Going to the GP and accessing proper support, as well as removing your ex partner from your life will serve you well.

Original poster

23butterflies · 17/01/2023 11:27

Thank u for the replies i just lost.I've tried to contact Gp today about medication.
A lot of arguments were around his ex , her involvement in his life (they have adult children) I was insecure with this and probably was jealous. There was money arguments too.
I wanted us to spend more time together and said this after I'd had a drink so he told his friends that I was nasty after I'd had a drink and they kept bringing it up and how I create problems. And I proved them all right by doing what I done .

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 17/01/2023 11:30

You did no such thing.

His friends were having a go at you and you became upset, left, and self harmed.

On learning about this, he moves out blaming your behaviour.

This isn't the behaviour of a good partner. You are better off without him and have spoiled nothing!

MangoBiscuit · 17/01/2023 11:32

I agree with @picklemewalnuts 100%

Sounds like this relationship is destroying you.

picklemewalnuts · 17/01/2023 11:33

Please make sure you don't let him back in. I'm pretty sure he'll try, when his daughter gets fed up of him.

Vallmo47 · 17/01/2023 11:35

I’m sorry you’re dealing with so many upsetting things OP, I hope you have support from family and friends. Whatever comes from this, you do need support and I hope you are receiving it.
I see so many sad cases of parents struggling with their kids, cases where they have severe mental health problems themselves and there is no shame in that. They are given support (not enough of it, but that’s another rant), they aren’t losing their parental rights.
I cannot imagine what led your partner to turn his back on you at your most vulnerable, you deserve so, so much better.
Please speak openly and freely to medical professionals so they can help you. I wish you well. Hang in there - the tunnel feels pitch black and like the walls are closing on you right now, but there will be a way out if you just hang on.

Original poster

23butterflies · 17/01/2023 11:42

I've spent the past 2 days in bed but know I can't do that.
He said I need stability and we're not stable so that's it. It hurts because I've given so much to this.
His friend said if you do one more thing that's it,he loves u but that's it. I should have just said something but no good beating self up now.

OP posts:

ThisGirlNever · 17/01/2023 11:44

@dontgobaconmyheart

You categorically don't need him, even if it feels like it. Get his stuff out as soon as possible and focus on yourself and your children.

Without knowing the full background, it's hard to know his motivation.

@23butterflies

Are the children, that live with you, his kids?

If DH 'did something silly' in our family home, I'd need to ensure the safety of the kids and would look to move out with them or have DH move out. I wouldn't be willing to risk the kids seeing something like that.

Bananalanacake · 17/01/2023 11:47

Would it be better if you lived separately. After a relationship of only 2 years with someone I prefer to be at the meeting up once or twice a week stage. Him living with you is too full on.

CallTheMobWife · 17/01/2023 11:47

You have children and tried to kill yourself, and your only real concern is your boyfriend?

Take some help from social services, and get your priorities sorted out.

LaLuz7 · 17/01/2023 11:51

CallTheMobWife · 17/01/2023 11:47

You have children and tried to kill yourself, and your only real concern is your boyfriend?

Take some help from social services, and get your priorities sorted out.

This... you kids seem to be just an afterthought to you, while the relationship is all-consuming.

A relatuonship that gets so bad it drives you to consider suicide is not a relationship you should be in. End of.

Let him go, get help with your mental health and stay single for a while. You sound way too fragile to date.

Swissmountains · 17/01/2023 11:52

OP this is so sad to read, because you are clearly very clearly in need of love and support, and this man is not important.

Your mental health is more important than anything else. There will be other relationships when you are feeling in a better place.

Do you have real life support op?
Please focus on yourself now, it does not matter about him - you need a lot of time and space and this relationship was not good for you.

HavingColleaguesSucksSomedays · 17/01/2023 11:53

23butterflies · Today 11:42

I've spent the past 2 days in bed but know I can't do that.
He said I need stability and we're not stable so that's it. It hurts because I've given so much to this.
His friend said if you do one more thing that's it,he loves u but that's it. I should have just said something but no good beating self up now
Who has been looking after your children whilst you have spent two days in bed mooning after a man?
He isn't wrong, you do need stability and if you have tried killing yourself I certainly hope social services will be involved.
This is no way to be living when you have children OP.

Laiste · 17/01/2023 11:54

How old are your children OP?

Original poster

23butterflies · 17/01/2023 11:54

No they're not his kids. He has adult children.
I'm struggling with him not even asking how I am. We've both been on eggshells for a bit, me worrying that he's gonna leave and go to his daughters if I say something . But we had been getting better until that night or so I thought.

OP posts:

misssunshine4040 · 17/01/2023 11:55

You need to turn the focus on your kids.
Is this man worth your life? Of course he's not.
Your kid's NEED you to there for them.
Sometimes toxic relationships drive us so crazy we can't see the wood for the trees.
You need a detox from this relationship to see exactly how bad it's turned your life.

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 17/01/2023 11:56

If this man was right for you none of this would have even happened. Forget about him now and focus on your children and your mental health. See your go and come up with a plan

Swissmountains · 17/01/2023 11:56

In the past when I have felt a desperation and loss of control, it was almost always on reflection a toxic and unhealthy relationship, that I could not recognise as such at the time.

This man does not bring out the best in you, he makes you feel sad, insecure, afraid and driven to self harm and self medicate - this is not a good and healthy relationship op, I hope in time you will recover sufficiently to see that.

AdamRyan · 17/01/2023 11:57

Ugh. His friends sound awful and why are they getting involved in your relationship? Not surprising you feel awful. He's meant to love you but instead he's telling you that you are a problem and getting his friends to back him up .It sounds like he's bullying you and so are they.

I think your mental health would improve if you weren't being bullied like this.

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