I've destroyed everything

[23butterflies]

I've been with my partner for 2 years and for the past few months there's been a few problems. Whenever something happens and we argue he leaves and goes to stay at his daughters,then comes back .
At the weekend we were out and his friends were saying things to me, I didn't tell my partner, instead left and stupidly took some tablets, I felt so low but I didn't want to die. I went to hospital,had bloods checked and was ok .
My partner has said its over ,he's moving out and I've just completely destroyed everything. I feel more depressed now but he's adamant that this is it . And now I'm worried about social services as I've got children and they said at hospital they would be informed I've just messed up my life so bad haven't I?

This with bells on. This relationship was no good for you - who wants to be with a man who flounces off every time you argue. And of course he blames you for everything. Good riddance to him. I hope you feel better soon.

@23butterflies honestly I think he was right to leave the relationship. You're clearly not in the state mentally to form a healthy relationship. You're bad for eachother and so he walked away because you couldn't.

I'm probably going to be murdered for this but with kids the ages yours are there is no need at all for you to be a SAHM (unless I missed something about disabilities/SEN). Less than 2 years in he's living with you and 100% financing you and your 3 kids for the majority of the time. If you came on mumsnet and said your new partner had moved in with no job and 3 kids in toe you'd be told he's a cocklodger and to kick him out! You admit you were jealous, argue a lot because of it, what did you bring to the table in your partnership? You're supposed to be equals.

You took an overdose in response to his friends saying stuff about you (did he even know/hear it). How is your behaviour in these arguements?

I'm not trying to kick you when you're down, I'm not saying he behaved well. But I am saying you need to be single, focus on your kids and yourself and become a person that is capable of being an equal partner before reentering the dating world.

Please accept as much help as social services, the hospital, etc. are willing to give you. It will be life-changing to be helped.

You haven't destroyed your life - you have hit rock bottom and you can come up from it. think you are giving so much credence to the end of your relationship as that's the "easiest" thing for you to try and unpick. Forget him and his worthless friends.

Do you have a support network, mum etc.?

Well good luck with that. It sounds like a good plan

Remember that childrens social workers are looking for you being a competent and caring parent and that you want to improve your mental and emotional wellbeing as DCs come first. And they can suggest support. Children w SW are not your friend their concern is your children. So please be clear and target what you say about being there for your DCs and what support and advice they can provide.

Whatever is going on with your partner, if he's not healthy for you then he needs to leave and you need to stand alone as a mum. I don't think his leaving when you are arguing is a bad thing as I always suggest if you are starting to shout or argue in a circle then take a break better to walk away and return to conversation when you are both calm and in an better place . But if ultimately this relationship is tearing down your ability to self care and manage your emotions to the point you took an overdose , then the perception will it isn't healthy and needs to be put to the side whilst you focus on yourself and your DCs needs for an emotionally supportive parent.

I mean be honest - ask for referrals if they are offering them- but don't treat childrens SW like a counsellor or a friend that you over share with the ins and outs of your angst about whether your DP is cheating and issues re you feeling at times jealous of his ex

Stick to the facts that you were low after a nasty argument and his friends contacting you which felt like bullying at a time you were without DCs and not yourself, and you made a terrible decision that you regret

But also have a bullet point list that is focused on getting better in your mental well-being and making sure your DCs are ok

@Dangermouse2

I don't think it is appropriate to coach the OP on how to 'manage' social services. They need to see/know the real situation, so that they can help the family. Instructing the OP in what to do/say could result in a false impression being given and inappropriate or inadequate support being provided.

I was in a similar place to you last year. I told my then partner I was having suicidal thoughts and, after telling me they didn't count as I didn't end up in an ambulance, they left me, because it was making them anxious.

To be left when you are at your lowest mental state is soul destroying and feels like the worst kind of abandonment. You give love and a large part of yourself to someone and they do that in return.

Fast forward a few months and, I'm not going to lie, it still hurts and I'm still soul searching, but literally everyone I've spoken to about it have been utterly shocked at my ex-partner's behaviour. It says a lot more about your ex-partner than it says about you. And it has taught me that my ex neither loved me nor deserved my love. I hope you come to realise the same for yourself.

This is not your fault and you deserve so much more support from a partner. There is always the opportunity for them to help you through that initial crisis and then discuss leaving, but to do it straight after a suicide attempt is cowardly and self-absorbed. Coupled with the way he talked about you with his friends, he sounds utterly unpleasant and not worth anymore of your time.

In terms of the SS referral, I had one for suicidal thoughts too. And it was nothing but supportive. They wanted to make sure I knew the support phone numbers (Samaritans 116-123, also alternatives here: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/).

They also fast tracked me a GP appointment and stayed around until they could allocate a family support worker. And that worker checked in every week and just chatted with me about what had happened, she checked in with the kids and discussed how they were feeling and we talked about their future and everything I had to look forward too. Honestly, SS and family support were a godsend when I felt so alone and definitely helped me reframe my view of the rest of my life in a more positive way.

You have done nothing wrong and you will get through this. Take help that's offered and you may find support you needed from this SS team.

I do agree with other PPs
I don't doubt that this was a genuine moment of despair and that you were not thinking and you took action to resolve it by going to a&e

If you'd been texting your partner saying "I'm taking overdose if you don't come back " and telling him to ring ambulance I might view it differently

Only you know that but when people say taking an overdose is attention seeking i t isn't it's usually a moment of desperation and someone that needs help to navigate their emotional responses and mental well-being

Those things are very very different

I don't agree with other PPs I meant!!

I'm not coaching I'm reminding her of what to consider and get her thoughts in order about what is her priority

No. You're very much coaching.

I really think you need to stop.

Yeah I've got friends who I've now reaches out to.
I have been applying for jobs but haven't been successful, that's why I was hoping volunteer roles would help my cv.
He moved in in the autumn . I don't know what I brought to the relationship, thought I was loving and caring but I guess not.
This was my first relationship after domestic abuse , I didn't want to have another failed relationship it sounds sad I know.
I'm going to make plans with the kids at the weekend when he comes for his things and have reached out to friends.

Well done OP. Keep going.

It's so sad what you are going through as it sounds like you got rock bottom that night.

Best not to dwell as you want to get out of that place, and to make a plan about how you will tackle it

I hope talking to the social worker tomorrow will offer support options
Good luck OP

That's good OP

I have to say reading you OP and replies I wondered if there was a history of DA

Please don't stay in a relationship that also has negative impact on your self esteem

Exactly. The advice being given might be well-meant but it is certainly not in the interests of OP or her kids. It’s quite concerning. ‘How to pull the wool over the eyes of social services’.

Your advice is potentially dangerous. You need to stop.

Good to hear how positive you sound @23butterflies . Focus on what will help you and the children move forward. Looking for a job is a great start. Wishing you well x

Have you ever heard of the freedom programme? I'd strongly recommend before entering another relationship if you've been through DV. It can help you identify abusive patterns to prevent falling into another abusive relationship.

As for jobs, are there any which come with paid retraining that you're interested in?

I recommend the freedom programme if you've had past domestic abusive relationships as it's very easy to repeat and not realise you are back in same cycle but with different behaviours from your partner

freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

They have a really helpful wheel of what healthy relationships look like

And what domestic abusive relationships look like

If you can get in one that would be super helpful and maybe ask the social worker as I suspect it might help your self esteem which does seem to be quite low (not surprising if you escaped a DA relationship and now have an unsupportive one which you might not be seeing clearly)

Oh OP, I'm so sorry it's come to a head like this.

But your relationship sounds unhealthy and toxic and perhaps a little immature?

You both have children, time to make a break and concentrate on being the best parent you can be. You can't do that when your ex partner and friends are making you feel suicidal or desperate.

You deserve to be happy and your kids need you.

all the best op

I was thinking this but couldn't think of a kind way to word it

We can see how invested OP is with her DP but that for whatever reason it is subsuming her

I really hope that she is able to put a pause on that and ask herself is it right relationship for her if being with her partner makes her feel bad about herself?

Because right now she needs to think about her own mental well-being and that of her childrens
And kick this relationship
To the curb if it is not a healthy one

Sometimes you have to reach your nadir before life starts to improve. You've reached yours and things can only go up now you're out of this relationship. He's done you a favour, it wasn't good for you. Focus on you and your kids from now on

How are you holding up right now? You're not alone, we're thinking of you