I've destroyed everything

[23butterflies]

I've been with my partner for 2 years and for the past few months there's been a few problems. Whenever something happens and we argue he leaves and goes to stay at his daughters,then comes back .
At the weekend we were out and his friends were saying things to me, I didn't tell my partner, instead left and stupidly took some tablets, I felt so low but I didn't want to die. I went to hospital,had bloods checked and was ok .
My partner has said its over ,he's moving out and I've just completely destroyed everything. I feel more depressed now but he's adamant that this is it . And now I'm worried about social services as I've got children and they said at hospital they would be informed I've just messed up my life so bad haven't I?

Right???

OP what about your children??!!

OP, you sound like a lovely lady. I am so sorry things have been difficult for you.

I have had similar issues, was a SAHP and I started volunteering part-time and it really helped me to feel like 'me' again and got me a reference which I used to get into paid employment.

Good luck xx

You're not in the right head space for any relationship OP, and certainly not this one. You need to do massive work on your self esteem as that is where all the issues stem from, that is what is at the root of your insecurity.

To fix it you need to be alone, see that you can cope really well alone and be happy being alone. Then you need good boundaries, to be absolutely clear what is and isn't acceptable and to be fine with letting anyone go that isn't improving your life - because you know that you're just fine on your own.

When you get to that place you'll be ready for a relationship but until then you need to really just concentrate on yourself and your children - and stop looking to men to make you happy. Learn to love yourself.

Its got to be this hasn't it?

As others have said you don't bring the best out of each other. From what you've said it seems like he's realising this. I think you need to take some control, end it. Work on yourself to see your self-worth.

Is this drama a pattern in your relationships?
Hope social services can direct you to support to help you be happier in the future.

He did you a favour. You aren't mentally healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship and he recognizes that. Your mental health is your responsibility, not his.

Get yourself healthy and stable and focus on your kids. The last thing you need right now is romantic love. You need health and well-being and a stable, healthy home for your kids.

Agree with this.

You sound emotionally all over the place and like you need stability, kindness and breathing space to be able to focus on getting well and enjoying being a mum to your lovely children.

I hope you get the support you need from the GP and social services. Please delete this man’s number and remove him from your life. You don’t need the stress and you children certainly don’t need it. They just need a happy, stable mum and if you can focus on this then I think you’ll be fine.

Your partner sounds unsupportive. He's undermining your self-esteem. And as for his friends....bleugh!
You need him (and them) like a hole in the head. Let go of this relationship. Be kind to yourself. Focus on your kids. Good luck

So OP when Chikdren services contact you be upfront and honest

• explain that your relationship with partner is going through potentially a breakup or a very difficult time as he's not been terribly supportive

• That you didn't have DCs with you but on the back of an argument he walked out and his friends rang you bullying you
• That you acted in a way you regret as you didn't intend to take your life and took immediate action to go to A&E to get treatment which was mortifying but you were honest with a&e staff
• and realise you are experiencing depression so have made an appmts with GP to be treated
• That you never ever want to do that again world never act like that around your DCs to ever put them at risk as they come first
• That you will accept any -support they feel you need or advice
• And that you are considering whether to continue in this relationship or get counselling together but that your ill-thought out actions were a huge wake up call

Let them viditvuo see your house , that it is well stocked with food not neglected and in a health hygiene hazard (or serious neglect) and have clothes and toys and warm equipped bedrooms for DCs (they aren't looking at immaculate tidy they are looking for evidence you are laying in bed all day not feeding DCs and house is severely neglected with bare beds etc and dog poo etc around) they want reassure themselves that you are a functioning caring parent despite this incident
Talk about your contingencies over you feel like that again, who you could call to have DCs in an emergency or call to help you

Unfortunately you have been in a 'toxic relationship'. It happens to the best of us.

When we are in a toxic relationship, one side is more into the relationship, they are wanting to feel loved every minute of the day, constant reassuring, unreal jealously, thinking that there is no one better out there, fear of breaking up, thinking of dying so as not to have to live without them, even going as far as a cry for help.

There are people who bring the toxic side out in us. As much as we think we need and want to be in this relationship it is better for everyone to end things. It's usually the side that's not into the relationship as much who ends things.

Having the toxic side brought out in us, doesn't mean you are toxic inside, it just means that you need to be with someone who brings out the happy side in us.

This will pass how you're feeling, you will get stronger, you won't always feel like this. It is better to leave the relationship now, try to be strong, tell him he's right,you are not meant to be together, you don't need that side brought out in you. Get whatever help you feel you need, sometimes we can heal just being out of the relationship.

Also if there was alcohol involved children services will want you to acknowledge that it'd be better not to drink anything whilst your depression is at this level , as alcohol in Itself is a depressant and doesn't make for wise decisions

You won't be the first person who did something out of character and overdosed like this and you won't lose your DCs due to it, if you take steps to address your emotional and mental wellbeing.

What CSD (children services sept) don't want to see and would be concerned about is a severely depressed parent with care of their DCs who isn't asking for or accepting help from GP or medical services and is severely neglecting their DCs and living environment as a result . Nor that your DCs are witnessing a parent who is withdrawn and unable to care for them or that they are witnessing someone in mental health crisis who has been scaring them.

So get up out of your bed. Go clean and tidy your house, stock up cupboards and fridges , help with their homework, make some fun activities, and do it for your children who need you.

Your relationship with your partner should be a bonus adding to your lives not above your DCs needs for a parent who cares for them and recognises they need stability and confidence in their parent & their parents capability.

Also stop talking about yourself as a drain on your partner

Do not talk like this to social worker or they will wonder how your DCs experience you

Be confident and regretful over this one incident and make it a one off

You haven't reunited everything you may just have a romantic notion and a relationship that might be ending as he's not as into you nor as supportive as you are or would like him to be

*ruined

Without wanting to be too harsh...

You say you took pills but didn't want to kill yourself... if you're the manipulative sort who threatens suicide in order to control your partner, then he's right to shut this down for good. It's an incredibly unhealthy dynamic to be in and completely unfair.

You need to prioritise your children and their wellbeing. That requires you to sort your mental health out, so speak to your gp and cooperate with social services. Take any support you can get.

Without knowing the history of your relationship, maybe your partner's friends are sick of seeing him hurt/upset/worried. I'd certainly vouch for one of my friends if their partner was a prick. Not saying that's the case, but without more info it's hard to form an opinion.

Also stop listening to this man's friends

And think about whether being in a relationship with this man is worth risking your life your mental well-being and your ability to care for your children for. There is no boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse or romantic relationship that is worth this level of emotional rollercoaster and mental distress

By mg saying be upfront and honest. I don't mean break down o the social worker and talk excessively about all your romantic problems. As that will tell them you aren't stable and your priorities are wrongly placed

I mean you get yourself clear headed about this . Bullet point yourself something like i suggested and make a plan that you action to tackle each issue whilst also focusing on your DCs

Your 17 year old at least will know something is wrong and probably the younger ones so talk to them ask them if they are worried about anything, and how they feel. Be a parent that cares what they see think and observe at home

Hi OP, so sorry you're feeling so low.

What everyone else said: focus on your kids and yourself, get your house in order, literally and figuratively, so you can cooperate with social services without fear of negative judgment.

It doesn't really matter who was wrong or right about what in your interactions with your DP, you're better off without someone in your life who provokes such actions (the pills) from you.

And please ignore his friends! Even if they had reason to gang up on you, it was unkind and just not what you need. Take care.

The relationship isn't right for you. Focus on your kids x

You say you took pills but didn't want to kill yourself... if you're the manipulative sort who threatens suicide

My friend got drunk and took an overdose after her parent died, it was not an attempt to manipulate anyone, it was a cry for help. I'd suggest that an extreme reaction like that is a symptom of already existing mh issues.

Quite possibly.

It's possible to have mental health issues and also be manipulative though.

I have a relative who has cried suicide more than once and then laughed about it afterwards to me, saying "haha, at least I managed to get insert whatever thing out of mum and dad". Some people thrive on drama and I have a really low tolerance for it.

I've also sadly known people who weren't bluffing.

My point is, just because we're hearing OPs side, doesn't mean that her partner isn't also having a shit time. It sounds like a toxic dynamic and a relationship best left behind.

OP concentrate on your own well being. I wouldn't look for a relationship until your head is in the right place.

Right, well perhaps not the best person for you

Thank you all for your replies.
Lately it hasn't been the healthiest, him silent treatment, me emotional.
For a part of our relationship he still lived with his ex, I'm insecure and this was hard. I thought things would improve but I have my issues to work on.
I didn't think I was being manipulative, maybe I was ? I hate that I've hurt people.
I'm seeing SS tomorrow and am going to write down few things and hopefully start getting on track.

OP, I don't think a manipulative person would be looking for support on MN.

If you have low self-esteem, it's likely to think that you are the problem, but don't you, then, of all people deserve someone supportive?

Say he didn't cause all your worries and stress, at the end of the day, he seems a bit unavailable. What's wrong with having someone who's there for you if that's what you need?

All of your needs are valid. It's just how much the other person is willing or unwilling to reciprocate xx