DD walked out of house after argument with DH and DH has blamed me

[Safarigiraffe]

DD19 was shouting at me cos I ruined some clothes of hers in wash & some clothes of her bf happened to be in the pile I picked up to wash but I didn’t know his clothes were in the pile, my husband went mad at her for being disrespectful & throwing the clothes back at her telling her to go upstairs, then my husband shouts at me cos it’s all my fault. DD has now walked out the house to go for a drive with her bf saying she’s gonna be late home and not to message her at all cos we are both terrible parents in her eyes
So who was being unreasonable tonight
DD, DH or me for not doing nothing to prevent DH from going mad at DD

But it was her own fault. Did was lucky OP bothered responding since the first words out of her mouth should have been ‘I’m sorry…’

Tbh I do all the laundry except when Dd does hers because she needs something for the morning which she has been wearing that day and then she will look to see if anyone else has got laundry.
Most of the time I will scoop everything up or upend the laundry basket infront of the washing machine I will pick up items individually to put in the machine, checking pockets. Any thing new I will check the label.
I don’t think I have ever just picked up a pile of laundry and put it all in the washer. That is asking for trouble.

This ⬆

Or your DH can do it if he wants, and he can sort through other people's stuff and check all of the washing instructions etc.

I'd be tempted not to wash anything for either of them in future, seeing as I was making such a rubbish job of it.

YANBU OP and I hope DH and DD apologise properly

It’s interesting that this is the only comment you chose to reply to. Not the dozens of people telling you to stop being a doormat.

I don't believe in holding people to perfect standards or anything, but I can't see a single example of healthy communication in this whole thing.

DH threw her clothes at her and shouted at her to get back upstairs? Then shouted at you?? This is ridiculous and totally unnecessary on both counts. Even if DH believes you made a mistake with the washing, shouting at you is completely over the top and I don't understand why he feels he can do that to you.

DD reacted badly to her clothes being ruined, and you shouldn't have to tolerate being shouted at by her, either. Is it customary in a row for DH to start shouting and throwing things (I know it was only clothing so I'm not insinuating he smashes the place up or anything, but still)? If so this might well explain why she defaults to shouting when something goes wrong.

So she's stormed out and now you're in tears, wondering if you've done something wrong. Actually, all that happened was you made a mistake while doing a household task and got shouted at for it by two people, completely unfairly. Yes, ideally you wouldn't have ruined the clothing but it's not like you did it on purpose. I'd be asserting some firm boundaries right now about how I'm treated in the house.

I don't think it was necessary to be so harsh to DH regarding the flat tire. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing a 19yr old was sat waiting in a car, who knows where, at night, for it to be repaired.

Basically it sounds to me like there's no solid foundation for healthy communication here at all. Why are they so shouty? Why is DH throwing clothes at DH telling her to get upstairs? Seems like there are issues.

Bf doesn’t live here with us as I said before I didn’t know he had tops in wash and just scooped them up and put all in wash

Why is OP being blamed for making up a wash? Does everyone else just do their own stuff and have to wait until they have a full wash of their own clothes?

I would do exactly this- go round and grab all the dirty clothes then bung a wash on. So would the other members of this house.

honestly people on here get dafter.

I'm not blaming you for putting on a wash of clothes. If the BF didn't want their clothes washed, they shouldn't be leaving them in the communal laundry basket (or in a mound of clothes on the floordrobe indicating that they were to be washed).
Your DD claimed that you 'ruined' the BF's clothes. How did you do that?

OK, I'm sorry I didn't read that part. As for your DD, if she's whinging about you ruining her clothes then she needs to do her own washing.

You need to tell the BF that he shouldn't be putting his dirty clothes in the hamper as he doesn't live here. Problem solved.

She does her own washing from now on so it doesn't happen again. But like everyone is in the wrong for something so everyone apologises.

My DD and I had the ruined laundry 'discussion' when she was 11, she has done her own washing from that day forth