DD walked out of house after argument with DH and DH has blamed me

[Safarigiraffe]

DD19 was shouting at me cos I ruined some clothes of hers in wash & some clothes of her bf happened to be in the pile I picked up to wash but I didn’t know his clothes were in the pile, my husband went mad at her for being disrespectful & throwing the clothes back at her telling her to go upstairs, then my husband shouts at me cos it’s all my fault. DD has now walked out the house to go for a drive with her bf saying she’s gonna be late home and not to message her at all cos we are both terrible parents in her eyes
So who was being unreasonable tonight
DD, DH or me for not doing nothing to prevent DH from going mad at DD

I suppose that does come across as being snide but if I treated my mom like she treated you she would have said it serves me right too

Do you not have a washing basket? Why are you picking random piles of clothes up off the floor then just binging them in the machine without checking they're suitable for that wash?

MN posters obsession with everyone doing their own washing is weird. Everyone I know IRK does family washing which allows more sorting into various colours/types

if you just grabbed a pile of clothes off DD's floor & bunged them in with whatever, I can understand why she's mad you ruined her clothes. But she shouldn't have yelled at you. Has she asked you before not to do that??

DH wasn't wrong to tell her to stop yelling at you & to just go & take her clothes to her room & you'd talk laundry later.

DD wasn't unreasonable to remove herself from the situation (and to the nasty posters, no, she didn't 'deserve' the pot hole).

people are assuming the DD expects her washing to be done, perhaphs she's happy to do her own & doesn't actually want the OP just gathering her clothes up & bunging them in the machine with god knows what else, at what temp etc.

she shouldn't have yelled at OP, but maybe she's at the end of her rope with stuff like this.

All I said to her was this is the result of you driving in a rage and leaving the house so sort it out

You all sound as bad as each other tbh.

✨Jeremy Kyle theme tune intensifies✨

Tell your DD to do her own washing in future and her boyfriend to take his home to do his. Your DH needs to apologise for shouting at you.

@Safarigiraffe

im calling you out on this. No one describes laundry in a laundry basket as 'picking up a pile'. It was on the floor in her room wasn't it.

All I said to her was this is the result of you driving in a rage and leaving the house so sort it out

spiteful. It wasn't the result of her driving in a rage, it was a result of the roads being an utter disgrace. 'So sort it out'. She had, she was just letting you know. Given the shambles the record services are right now, I'd have taken DH, made sure the car was off the road & brought them home & rearranged the AA the next morning. Not left here/them sitting there for hours on end, with the car possibly in a vulnerable spot.

"MN posters obsession with everyone doing their own washing is weird. Everyone I know IRK does family washing which allows more sorting into various colours/types"

I think people are happy to do family washing, so long as they aren't moaned at about it. Once people start complaining or blaming for genuine accidents, it's time to do their own.

If my daughter's bf had the utter nerve to put his clothes on the family pile like he'll I'd be replacing his clothes.

Dolor - helpful comment, I suppose your family is perfect

DD was unreasonable for not doing her own laundry if she's going to have her BF's things mixed in. She was also unreasonable for driving in a huff. She was also unreasonable for being in a strop over laundry.

DH was unreasonable for blaming you for the actions of an adult. He was also unreasonable for "going mad" at DD when he could have had a calm discussion instead of flying off the handle.

You were unreasonable for having no sympathy when Dad's tyre got a flat - that could have happened regardless of any anger. You were also unreasonable for ruining the clothes and not looking at what you were washing.

All in all, nobody comes out looking great over an extremely minor incident. Are you all usually this dramatic?

*DD's

Your h was the most unreasonable here. His top wasn't ruined, so why was he shouting? Sounds like he just likes to shout.

I'd stop doing both their washing. And I'd want an apology from both.

Is your h often like this?

@ImAvingOops no, you read it ALL the time, they're x age they should be doing their own washing. It's like some mad obsession.

I don't class it as 'an accident' when someone is just totally careless or when it's doing something unsolicited. If, as I highly expect, she scooped the clothes up off the floor & bunged them in the machine without paying any attention to the colours/fabric, I'd be cross she'd ruined my clothes too. It's not like accidentally putting a sneaky red sock in a white wash.

Your DD is an adult and she frankly needs to grow the fuck up. She should do her own washing and definitely shouldn’t be flipping out at you over something so minor. She isn’t a child anymore, lots of 19 year old’s don’t live at home so have to do things like their own washing. I suggest she starts looking after herself and she owes you a massive apology.

it's difficult when your small children grow up to be semi-adults. You need to constantly reasses the relationship, and how the family dynamic works.

first of all: your DH shouldn't have shouted at you, but at least he initially stood up for you
Your daughter was being a pain in the neck, and definitely shouldn't have shouted at you and stropped off. I hope there is no financial contribution to me made for the AA call out that you will cover?

Now you have to decide how this relationship, with you all under the same roof, is going to work. If, as pp said, this bf is always there and constantly helping himself: that needs to change. Work out between you and DH what you can accept here. The least number of overnights/hours that is acceptable to one of you "wins"

Laundry? She is having a huge laugh. She gets a laundry basket and you and DH get a laundry basket (keep it in your room if you must, to stop her dumping her things in it. She takes care of hers. You and DH take care of yours. (depends how you want to do it. I see on MN that many people seem to only do their own. DH and i share laundry duties and do each other's. Decide what works for you)

Does she earn? pay rent? how much extra is she costing you in nerves, hours and actual readies? Work out what is acceptable, and how much she should contribute (either in doing things around the house or money).

Agree that if it gets to shouting, any shouting by anyone, the discussion needs to stop there and then and will only be talked about when you are all calm.

"I don't class it as 'an accident' when someone is just totally careless or when it's doing something unsolicited. If, as I highly expect, she scooped the clothes up off the floor & bunged them in the machine without paying any attention to the colours/fabric, I'd be cross she'd ruined my clothes too. It's not like accidentally putting a sneaky red sock in a white wash."

This^ is why posters think it's a good idea for people to do their own - it avoids one person being blamed.

im calling you out on this. No one describes laundry in a laundry basket as 'picking up a pile'. It was on the floor in her room wasn't it.

bollocks. We have a laundry basket in our bedroom. When it's got at least one load in, or often more if it's bedclothes/towels changing day, it is taken to the laundry room (we have a cellar) and dumped in a pile, often sorted approximately in to things like towels (hotter wash) pales (not many) etc. And the basket goes up to the bedroom, but the piles remain until they are all washed.

Lotta folk incapable of reading that the clothes were all in the laundry basket.

OP - DD is unreasonable for expecting you to not only do her washing, but to SORT her washing for her into appropriate loads!

If you know she would have been driving in a stroppy and careless manner then your response to the flat tyre is not unreasonable either.

Let them all sort themselves out and your H is an absolute dick, because it wasn't his washing and had nothing to do with him.

I would be doing no ones washing but my own from this point!

I'd be drawing up a household chores rota covering everything and everyone does their own washing.

Unless you put wool in a hot wash or coloured item in with whites, things are unlikely to be ruined. If everything was just in a jumble in the basket the fault is whoever put the things in. The only sorting I have ever done is whites/coloureds/hand wash and I don’t think I have ever ‘ruined’ anything.

This is a good response. OP, you have nothing to feel bad about. If DD is so concerned about her washing then she does it herself, she's not a child. You need to show them they can't treat you like this.

They both owe you an apology.
Hope you are ok - upsetting when things escalate like that.

Can she not change a tyre btw? With her bf in the car to help her too she should have been able to have a go at that without the AA.

We've got various laundry baskets for different temperature washes / what can be tumble dried. If they put their stuff in the wrong basket, that's their problem, we've told them often enough. If young teens can get it, a 19yr should.
I don't mind doing it all together as it's more economical but the minute they start carrying on like OP's then they are on their own with it!

I would. If there is a pile of washing in the basket, I would pick the pile up and chuck it in the machine. I’m not a sorter so I would describe it exactly as OP has.