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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD walked out of house after argument with DH and DH has blamed me

137 replies

Safarigiraffe · 15/01/2023 22:10

DD19 was shouting at me cos I ruined some clothes of hers in wash & some clothes of her bf happened to be in the pile I picked up to wash but I didn’t know his clothes were in the pile, my husband went mad at her for being disrespectful & throwing the clothes back at her telling her to go upstairs, then my husband shouts at me cos it’s all my fault. DD has now walked out the house to go for a drive with her bf saying she’s gonna be late home and not to message her at all cos we are both terrible parents in her eyes
So who was being unreasonable tonight
DD, DH or me for not doing nothing to prevent DH from going mad at DD

OP posts:
Havehope21 · 16/01/2023 08:22

I know everyone says she should be doing her own washing but that doesn't really make sense as surely it is cheaper to put a load on with everyone's white / dark stuff at once... Much simpler just to have a rule that people separate their own laundry into 2 piles. If it is about taking responsibility, have a weekly rota or something.
Anyway... she and your DH are being unreasonable because they were both rude to you for an honest mistake.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/01/2023 08:25

RudsyFarmer · 16/01/2023 07:32

You’ve just reminded me of something I hated in my teens and that was my father wading into an argument I was having with my mother and elevating it one hundred fold. He would never have a clue what the argument was even about but my gif he’d make it worse!

So I think he needs to take a large chunk
if the blame here EVEN if he’s defended was that he was sticking up for you.

I disagree. No way I'd just stand idly by whilst one of my kids treated their dad like shit. It's not OK.

ssd · 16/01/2023 08:27

Much ado about nothing really and as per the op doesn't take criticism well

OlympicsRock2 · 16/01/2023 08:32

You said “ All I said to her was this is the result of you driving in a rage and leaving the house so sort it out“

You could have been sympathetic and kind at this point. Instead you told her it was her own fault .

BellePeppa · 16/01/2023 08:35

Years ago my mum completely ruined my favourite dress because she washed it when it was dry clean only but I couldn’t imagine yelling at her for it. She felt so bad I ended up reassuring her it was ok. At least she has made it easy for you to state you’re no longer doing any of her washing - and mean it!

booboo24 · 16/01/2023 08:36

I have a 19 year old, you have my sympathy!!! Seriously though, it was an accident as a result of you trying to help her. Your dd is at fault there, all the way. I still do my dd's washing as it all goes in the same laundry basket, but equally, she'll also put a load on if she sees it and thinks it needs doing. So I'd say she owes you a huge apology. Your dh was just trying to stick up for you (which would have got dd's back up no doubt) and possibly everyone was snappy by then. I think you did right by the car too, you knew she was safe, had her boyfriend with her etc she wants to be grown up and can shout to the odds at you when it suits so it works both ways I say. Although I would have kept I touch to make sure they were OK before the AA turned up.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/01/2023 08:38

OlympicsRock2 · 16/01/2023 08:32

You said “ All I said to her was this is the result of you driving in a rage and leaving the house so sort it out“

You could have been sympathetic and kind at this point. Instead you told her it was her own fault .

Why the fuck would the OP be sympathetic and kind after being spoken to like that? The daughter had a flat tyre and AA cover, not a broken leg. Nothing terrible had happened to her.

PinkSyCo · 16/01/2023 08:39

As a matter of interest how exactly did you ruin their clothes OP? I’m after tips incase my kid’s partners start leaving their clothes for me to wash. 😜

BellePeppa · 16/01/2023 08:41

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 16/01/2023 00:10

Think you all need to apologise to each other you for ruining clothes even if accident, dd for shouting at you and dh for shouting at her then blaming you for it all, however moving forward dd does own washing, and what you text her about her flat tire was petty and could have happened at any time oh and you should probably replace the clothes if the boyfriends were ruined

All this post deserves is a 🙄

Tekkentime · 16/01/2023 08:43

She's properly just upset and embarrassed that her bf's clothes are ruined and so feels angry about it. It's a pretty normal reaction in the moment.

Tekkentime · 16/01/2023 08:44

*probably

Foxywood · 16/01/2023 08:45

DH is upset at having his day disrupted and is taking it out on you because he can.

BellePeppa · 16/01/2023 08:45

OlympicsRock2 · 16/01/2023 08:32

You said “ All I said to her was this is the result of you driving in a rage and leaving the house so sort it out“

You could have been sympathetic and kind at this point. Instead you told her it was her own fault .

Oh yes that be kind toxic positivity crap. Maybe OP should take dd and bf for a shopping spree to buy a wardrobe of new clothes as well while she’s at it. 🙄

RudsyFarmer · 16/01/2023 08:51

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/01/2023 08:25

I disagree. No way I'd just stand idly by whilst one of my kids treated their dad like shit. It's not OK.

Show quote history

That’s certainly a conversation for when everyone’s calmed down but when the second parent wades in and blows everything up higher then no, completely unhelpful. Plus I definitely don’t need my partners help in these situations. I have it under control.

ImBlueDab · 16/01/2023 08:55

Your dd and dh are being unreasonable. Everyone ruins something in the wash. It happens, you didn't do it on purpose. Your dh is righ that she shouldn't have spoken to you like that, but is it any wonder she does when he also speaks to you in the same manner - monkey see, monkey do.

I'd be telling her that's she's now responsible for her own laundry

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/01/2023 08:59

Why is the BF being a CF and putting his washing in the basket?
but the tyre thing is not nice

ViscountBiscuit · 16/01/2023 09:00

My 14yr old DD does her own washing. She wanted to and so I taught her I let her, good practice for leaving home.

Let her do her own at 19.

666roses · 16/01/2023 09:05

My boys were shown how to use the washing machine at 16, and how to iron, they even had to change their own bedding from 13, as it's the steps to make them independent.
I would tell daughter to buy her own washing basket do her own washing and when she moves out she can take her washing basket with her as she bought it.
As for your husband he can also do his own washing as he is also a competent adult, why should you do it?

LuckeyBuoy · 16/01/2023 09:06

I don't get the obsession with anyone over 18 doing their own washing. I find it easier to do my student children's washing as it makes up better dark/light/wool/whatever loads than mine does on its own. That's assuming they leave it in the laundry, and not in their bedrooms.

However, I wouldn't tolerate anyone shouting at anyone for anything. I'm not sure I'd tolerate the boyfriend either.

Mindymomo · 16/01/2023 09:06

Get her and bf their own laundry basket and show them how the washing machine works, I would not speak to her or DH until you get an apology, but if she’s anything like my DS everything is my fault and he never apologises until I say shall we make up.

BunchHarman · 16/01/2023 09:07

You did nothing wrong. The clothes were in the laundry basket for fuck’s sake.

Your daughter needs to do her own washing, and your husband is a nasty prick.

And yet you’re the one crying. Do they both walk all over you?

Divebar2021 · 16/01/2023 09:08

It will be a cold day on hell before any child of mine shouts at me. Be pissed off at me for whatever grievance you have but shout at me? No way.

EssexCat · 16/01/2023 09:11

KingJulien · 16/01/2023 08:22

I would. If there is a pile of washing in the basket, I would pick the pile up and chuck it in the machine. I’m not a sorter so I would describe it exactly as OP has.

Show quote history

Yep and me. In fact I’m not quite sure what else I would call it. A load perhaps.

billy1966 · 16/01/2023 09:14

Divebar2021 · 16/01/2023 09:08

It will be a cold day on hell before any child of mine shouts at me. Be pissed off at me for whatever grievance you have but shout at me? No way.

This.

Stop doing anything for her, and I mean anything.

You need a heartfelt apology.

Your husband is a disgrace blaming you.

You sound like a bullied doormat.

Are you?

Stop doing ANYTHING for any of them until you get an apology.

Have you family to visit?

If you could take a few days away, do it.

We teach people how to treat us and you are allowing them to treat you terribly.

TerfOnATrain · 16/01/2023 09:18

You are so NOT wrong OP. The three of them are all CFs.

I once holidayed with my best friend and her family. We each took it in turns to wash clothes left in front of the machine. The day I did it, her DS left a phone in his pocket and it was washed. She went nuts at me, because seemingly I am meant to check her idiotic son's pockets because he CBA to.

That was the last time I shared the washing, as I said to her, my kids are responsible for emptying their own pockets.

I am happy to put a load on for anyone else, but I do not handwash and if they have delicates they sort it themselves. Yes DH, you forgot didn't you last week?, and now your favourite Gant jumper is an XS