I hate my life/weekend

[Littleelffriend]

I have a good life. I have 2 beautiful children, wfh part time. Have a partner. No financial worries (not rich). But I hate my life.
At the weekend I just feel like I’m filling in time, waiting for it to pass. I have no real hobbies since having kids. Zero energy as my youngest doesn’t sleep. She’s 2.5.
I look like shit, kind of don’t care as I never do anything. I know it’s only me who can change things but how do I give myself a kick up the ass?

I was thinking today how lovely it would be to just wander around a city alone, browsing shops and drinking a coffee in peace.

I ache for this, everything in my life is school runs, cooking, planning on cooking, playdates, Saturday club, after school clubs.....or work.

I think its the price of having young DC, the silly thing is I have siblings and friends who would happily take children, a partner who would happily take children for me to see friends day or evening- but here's the thing, if its an old college friend or school friend, an old work friend, that's fine. If I said, can you look after them so I can just chill out and wonder around , I'd feel weird and guilty. (Although I have no doubt the answer would be yes, take a break!)

Perhaps the answer is to be honest, and take that time out to find yourself again?

Yes, do make time together with partner once a month or so if you can, I think it makes a big difference.

One thing I found that helped a lot when kids were very small was doing yoga once a week - honestly having time to just be in my body and focus on me was really invaluable for feeling less like I was just trudging from one domestic task to the next.

January is tough with small kids. I don’t care what people say about weather and clothing they are just too little and I also don’t want to be cold and wet. It all, for me, starts to look much better in March.
We like a wonder round the charity shops in town on Saturday mornings, they usually get something each and it passes the time. I do feel we should be doing more than just passing the time but it’s better than being inside and my eldest has announced no more countryside walks until March after the Christmas holiday walks!

I could have written this 12 years ago ( my kids are now 15 and 13 ) . My husband worked most weekends and I worked during the week. We had no family to give us a break . It was tough with non sleepers also and I felt I was just kicking in the weekend. The thing that I found helped me and us as a couple at the time ( was every Sunday when my husband wasn’t working I got dressed up makeup / did my hair and we went to our favourite restaurant ( Thai restaurant) and I had my favourite meal and a glass of wine we went got a nice walk together and made it kind of a day out . I looked so forward to it every week .
also I took a Pilates class to fell me feel good about my body again and did Pilates twice a week even if I was exhausted . When I felt good in myself everything felt better .

I sometimes wonder what people envisioned before having kids? I agree with all the shit things you mention (my youngest is 20 months and still bf 2/3 times a night), my life is similar only I work ft and have 3 small children. It is quite shit in parts having kids, weekends are like this because well, yes you have kids and life revolves around them. I do wonder if people imagined they'd be teleported back to their pre child life on Friday afternoon, have a nice break and pick up on Monday where you left off. Weekends consist of washing, housework, shopping, bday party's, children's hobbies, DIY/fixing things etc, unless you plan way in advance and book a babysitter you aren't doing anything nice or relaxing. I don't agree on this one day free each thing either, if you do that when exactly do you see your husband, defeats the object of being a family if one of you has the kids one day and the other the other day surely? We do take it in turns to have a "lie in" until 9am, that's about as good as it gets 🤣. I'm sure we'll be sad when our house is tidy and quiet one day and I spend my weekends just doing whatever the hell I like, for now it's a wild fantasy 😆.

I'd say start small. Take 30 minutes to go for a walk on your own. Cook a nice breakfast. Put on a really good film that is ok for kids - loads of the classics are a U. Put some good music on. Visit somewhere pretty.

These type of small changes do help to lift your mood. Then you have more ideas.

There are a lot of pros to wfh but I think mentally there are a lot of downsides.

You need to get out of the house and go somewhere where you are respected and needed or that you’re not thinking about doing the laundry or what you’re going to have for dinner etc.

If you can’t work out of the house then you need to have some time doing something else - at a minimum every other Saturday could be just yours where you meet friends, go for a long walk, do a hobby etc and your DH can look after the kids.

Everyone needs meaning and purpose in their lives and I think when you have DCs, you can sometimes focus so much on them and the everyday house stuff that you lose sight of yourself and what gives you purpose in life.

Just wanted to say we just had a totally crap weekend (with nearly 2 and nearly 6 yo DDs) and am very grateful for this thread! January (and February come to that!) are so shite with little ones. Wet, cold and poor! Feel better we're not the only ones struggling to love every minute, and grateful for the tips for how to make the best of it.

I would also like to put the vote in here that actually, if they end up watching quite a lot of telly while you do something round the house that doesn't make your brain ache, that's actually ok. My generation (80s) bloody existed on TV morning noon and night and I don't think we're much the worse for it. They're in nursery/school all week being creative and whatall, a few hours veging out over the course of a weekend will not stunt their brains irretrievably. Plus Bluey is ace 😆

Sleep deprivation is akin to torture and you sound like you could also be depressed?

Could you ask a friend/s round one evening for drinks and chatting or have them round for coffee one morning, so the kids can play and you can chat and be yourself?

You could always chat to your health visitor - about your DD’s sleep if you think you might some help or if not, just to offload to the HV a bit.

Are you feeling overwhelmed about everything? Does your DP help out with your DD and around the house?

Don’t you and DH give each other time off at the weekends like take it in turns to have a lie in and take it in turns to exercise each or have some you time? Weekends need to include some tag team parenting in order for you to both switch off.

I'm not one of those people who thought they would just carry on their life as normal and the kids would just fit round it. But I don't think anyone can fully appreciate just how drastically life changes until you actually experience it? I didn't imagine still not being able to sleep through the night once they were 3. Or that they still wouldn't be interested in the cinema at 6. For example.

Bringing her into your bed didn’t create bad habits. Having inconsistent sleep arrangements does. In fact having her in your bed creates a safe sleep environment for her - putting her in her cot/own bed and mixing between the two is what is confusing her probably. just let expectations go and pit her in your bed every night. She might sleep solidly? And therefore you get more rest. She’s only little once - She won’t be in there forever ❤️❤️

take the guilt off yourself, it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job - it’s always much clearer from a distance to other people than when you’re in it yourself.

You need to make a super human effort to sort the sleeping - you and DH as a team. Sleep deprivation is the worst, especially long term. it might get worse before it gets better, but it’s an investment in your health at this point.

And like other posters have said, figure out what brings you joy. It might not be the same activities as pre-kids.

could be as simple as takeaway and film with hubby. Or time alone for a run etc.

we each have a few hours to ourselves Saturday / Sunday morning and it’s worked wonders.

I love reading so I have a designated reading chair and lamp that no-one is allowed near!

hope this helps.

Honestly get yourself a ‘thing’. Book club, exercise class, swim, sport. Go on your own, take a friend m, whatever. Just book it and do it…… if you don’t like it try something else. We can make excuses for not doing things forever, but then another years gone by and you are in the same position. My thing- I’m in a hockey team- have been pre kids- can’t commit quite as much now but do try to play most of the time- there’s lots of mums- it’s an escape, social and gets us fit :) but also have done back to netball classes- also lots of mums etc in same boat (I just do t like it as much as hockey 😉). Find a thing and try it… the. Maybe the rest will follow …..

This is me too OP. I have 1 and 3 year olds and feel like this most of the week as I'm having a break from work rather than pay 2 sets of nursery fees (but that's a whole other topic!).
The only thing that helps on the weekends when DH is around is trying to carve out some time alone, even just an hour here and there. I usually time it so he takes the 3 year old out when the 1 year old has her afternoon nap. Even just having that hour to put some uplifting music on, blitz the house and cook a nice meal in peace makes me feel much better!
I cant believe how much my standards have lowered that I look forward to an hour alone cleaning/cooking 😂But it is what it is, and hopefully we'll be back to travelling/socialising/having fun within a couple of years!

I hit the same sort of slump this afternoon and just felt almost depressed. I knew I would feel good again when I sorted myself out but it was like everything was just on top of me. My house has far too much stuff in it for a start. We have too many clothes so the cycles of washings never come to an end and there are permanently queues of baskets waiting to be washed. We have boxes piled high in the utility room that have never been moved because it’s easier just to shut the door. I also wfh and much prefer it to when I had a stressful job I hated but I think when you don’t have the automatic socialisation thing of going to work or even getting showered, doing makeup etc for work, I think over time that can start to make you just feel frumpy and meh. I’ve decided to structure my week a bit more with certain things I do on certain days. I will take my son swimming one day every week. I’m going to go back to my running club that I used to enjoy. I’m going to make way more effort to text friends and be the one to actually initiate meeting up. I think when you’re trapped in the house the whole world can start to feel a bit worthless but when you do even a small thing, like I got my hair done the other day and just chatting to the hairdresser and laughing for 2 hours made me come away feeling completely different. I was just sick of sitting in my comfy clothes staring at the same four walls. Structure is key I think. Do you have any other interests where you could go once a week or something completely new you’d like to start?

Re broken nights. My DS three small children shares the childcare at night. The lads took him away for his birthday one night. He was so looking forward to a full nights sleep. This is a a horrible phase of having children. You both need to organise some me time.

Same here and no time to have a long bath or do my nails so what do you do there then
this is why we look like shit cos 3 year olds don’t give us no space it’s shit bigtime

Re the washing if you're not cash strapped find a launderette that washes, dries and folds everything and bags it up. It's wonderful. Had to do it when my washing machine was awaiting a part. Three weeks no washing.

Or just take it all to the launderette yourself. Sit there with a book, download a movie into your phone and chill.

I've been to the cinema a few times, bought a kfc, driven to the beach and enjoyed eating it in peace.

It's a tough stage and will get better but you can do something about it now if you can summon the strength.

DH being away during the week must be exhausting for you and means your dc are missing out on having a dad so I'd certainly suggest they do a daddy activity for a few hours on a weekend. This is your time to do something for you.

Then you feel the need to tick the 'we did family time' box which is understandable so that's another say 3 hours on the other weekend day. Make it fun and easy rather than epic and brag-worthy.

Then ensure DH is doing his bit with both the childcare and housework for the remaining weekend. This isn't unfair, he gets plenty of leisure time during the week and should be wanting to support his family at weekends.

On what you can do with 'your time' do put lots of thought into it. What can you do today that would make you feel better tomorrow? Eating cake, having a bath or an afternoon nap are very short term thinking, things that'll make you feel better now but do nothing to improve your mental health (OK, sleep might if you're exhausted). Exercise, reading, cinema, meeting friends, etc will have a longer term positive impact.

This was me OP not so long ago. What helped me: (1) getting into a good Netflix series as a lazy way to switch off for 1hr a day (or every couple days) and take some me time (2) Vitabiotics Feroglobin daily even though I'm not anaemic it gave me that extra bit of energy (3) practicing mindfulness, particularly when I was washing up, which was guaranteed at least once a day! Something about focussing on washing the suds off each dish really helped ground me (4) reminding myself that this phase too will pass, just like the good times aren't permanent, neither are the bad.

This is lovely.

We do similar. Sometimes we'll do something all 3 of us together in the afternoon on weekends. But the usual routine is my husband has our toddler Saturday morning until nap time so that I can lie in and have time to myself, maybe go for a swim or whatever, and I'll do the same on Sunday for him, or vice versa.

We have a rule that whoever has him has to get up and out of the house though. That way a) it's best for him to get out in the fresh air/go to an activity so he's tired for his nap and sleeps well b) the other person can stay home and enjoy the time to themselves without having to go out if they don't want to. Have a bath, read in total silence, watch a movie.

We also make sure we each get nights out regularly with friends.

Start being more selfish! You need time to yourself to function properly.

do you think it might be worth looking into working outside the house instead of WFH, because wfh with a toddler, I think youve got the worst of both worlds there

I hate my life. My DC are older (late teens) and I'm the breadwinner. I can't see any good reason for staying alive other than my DC. I hate waking up every morning and wish I could just die.

Apologies for derailing the thread, but yes, I understand how you feel. No answers other that solidarity

Sometimes I feel like this, but rarely, on the whole I’m pretty good at not letting the ‘mum drudgery’ get to me. I think it’s because my life has been rather shit so far so my expectations are quite low - not in a bad way, but to me happiness is just a moment without suffering. I don’t really need fancy hobbies or anything to be contented. I focus a lot on the little moment - making nice dinners, making sure the house is tidy before I go to bed so I can wake up in the right headspace, having a ‘posh’ coffee when I wake up each morning, using nice smellies. I live a couple of hours from my main friends but we’re in daily touch via WhatsApp and do silly things to keep ourselves amused like who can find the worst marketplace ad 😆

So yeah my advice would be just to keep expectations low for a few years, sad as it may sound it works!